By The Angry Comic Book Critic
Jonah Hex the movie……FFFFFFFFFFFFUCK!!!!!!! Thank you once again Hollywood you’ve destroyed another classic hero! No it wasn’t enough you had to do it to Batman, Superman, Steel, Howard the Duck, The Hulk, The Phantom even Spiderman got raped by you shit heads and your poor story telling, bad casting and above all else greed!...Okay I’m calm now I just needed to say that. I mean my god I saw this movie for free and got a t-shirt, cup, poster, Jonah Hex #1 of the current series and rub on tattoos as extra incentives to praise this film and the only good thing about the entire night was the comic. Yes dear readers that thirty-something page comic was better then the entire movie and considering what it cost to make this piece of shit that’s really sad. Let me just say if they did a shot for shot remake of the 1st three or four issues of the current Jonah Hex series it would have been a great film but instead we get as Itsjustsomerandomguy* put it “Constantine the Ghost Rider in the Wild Wild West” and you know what he was right. He was absolutely 110% right that was exactly what this movie was because last time I checked Jonah Hex could NEVER EVER BRING PEOPLE BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!
Well I guess I better dive into why this was so god awful. #1 they totally fuck up the origin! In the comics Jonah Hex gets his infamous scar after breaking the rules of a tomahawk battle by resorting to using his knife after his tomahawk breaks after being sabotaged by his opponent and as punishment he was burned with a tomahawk marking him as a disgrace to the Native American tribe he was sold to as a child. Jonah didn’t get that scar by his own hand to erase the brand of Quentin Turnbull! #2 Megan Fox’s character was completely pointless. I’m serious she had no reason to star in this movie what-so-ever and they had a sex scene with her and they cut it out…Why?! By doing that they took away any hope this film had of being mildly entertaining at least if we saw her getting nailed the film had some entertainment value as a cheap porno! #3 nobody save for Josh Brolin gave two shits about what they were doing. Honestly I think some of the actors were drugged someone slipped them a roofie and pushed them on set and said just read the teleprompter that’s how hollow there performances were. #4 the sheer insanity of the action sequences in this film. Now don’t get me wrong I love action films but for the material the film was based on it was just so out of place dynamite crossbow, Nuclear cannonballs, suicide bombers it was just bat shit crazy. Jonah Hex was always a subtle character in the comics even in his most action packed comics it was never this outlandish it just wasn’t! The only good thing I can say about this shit fest is Josh Brolin played a great Jonah Hex if they reboot this keep him toss everything else and make a western not some over the top action orgasm devoid of passion and story! I’m the Angry Comic Book Critic and this shit gets the stamp of approval.
*Check out It'sjustsomerandomguy's youtube channel funny as hell
Jonah Hex The Movie