Reboot, reuse, recycle. That's basically my feelings on the magical world of Hollywood adaptations. We usually see at least 5 comic book adaptations a year now, and half of them are forgettable: Man-Thing, Elektra, and Jonah Hex are prime examples of this. We all know the number one goal of Hollywood: Make some cash, so when you think about it, it's not really a surprise that a chunk of these adaptations fall flat on their face like Paris Hilton on her 21st birthday.
News has been spreading of new sequels and new reboots, and while us fans would love to see these happen, what's the point? If they're just going to rush out a sequel to make a sequel, they're going to piss off every nerd from Vancouver to Cairo. It got me wondering, can I come up with scripts worse (I mean to say "better" obviously) than the ones producers in Hollywood are putting out?
== TEASER ==
In a recent Obsessed With Film article, they stated that Lauren Donner, wife of Superman director Richard Donner, has the treatment for a couple of X-Men related films:
So we get two X-Movies that lead right into each other. That could sound promising. At least, I hope it's promising. And don't worry Deadpool fans, it looks like you may also be getting a Deadpool reboot:
“We took the treatment to Fox and they love it… And X4 leads into X5″.
“It’s a total reboot… We’re either going to pretend that didn’t happen – or mock it, which he could... It’s insane, it’s definitely comedy, But it’s an R script, it’s really irreverent and violent. Right away, we’re out of the X-Men world”.
So the fans are again getting what they want: a zany, violent, comedy featuring Deadpool. Whether or not it will be any good is up for discussion. After reading this, I thought to myself, "Mat, at one time, you were in fact a screenwriter in Chicago. In fact, you were good at it. Don't you think you could also write an amazing X-Men sequel." I stood up and shouted to the sky, "I am Mat Elfring! Yes, I can write a great X-Men sequel."I spent weeks putting together a few X-Men films, and I know I'm not supposed to release these to anyone because I plan on selling these to Fox for like, one billion dollars, but I'd love to show you guys key scenes from my screenplays for X4 and X5. Please enjoy these as much as humanly possible, and please don't judge me because these are not in perfect Screenplay format. Enjoy:
Scene 37 From X-Men 4: The Awakening Slumber (Page 25)
EXT. DESERT - DAY
XI'AN, dressed in his typical desert wardrobe, complete with beige scarf covering his face, walks through the wasteland desert. The wind pounds at his face. He squints as the desert sands pick up.
Xi'an falls to his knees. He pants heavily, and grabs his water container from his belt. He opens it and tries to take a sip, but it is empty. He throws the container to the ground and raises his hands into the air and screams.
Curse you Junkpile! Curse you!
A wormhole rips through the fabric of time and space behind Xi'an.
I never got to say I love you!
Xi'an is sucked into the wormhole, and the wormhole closes.I know what you're thinking, "Whoa! That was awesome! How do you come up with all these great ideas Mat?" What can I say? I just know what a great movie sounds like. Much later in the film, the X-Men team gets into some deep doo-doo. Please consider this scene as Oscar worthy for Best Screenplay in 2013.
Scene 145 From X-Men 4: The Awakening Slumber (Page 394)
EXT. XAVIER'S ACADEMY - DAY
Gimme a sandwich. I love sandwiches. I love Mat Elfring too. He's the best writer of Deadpool ever.
No sandwiches for you bub.
Mon chere, creole cooking. I'm from Louisianna.
I like grunge rock. It's extreme and cool.
Another Deadpool walks into the room.
FADE OUTWow! That's a pretty solid script, but what about my great script for X5? Is that worth a look at too? Of course it is! Now, a quick word, X5 takes place in the 18th century on a pirate ship, and they never leave the cabin of the ship.
Scene 3.141 From X-Men 5: A Raisin in the Sun (Page 3)
INT. PIRATE SHIP CABIN - EVENING
XAVIER is playing chess against WOLVERINE.
I ain't no good at this Chuck. Shouldn't we be fightin Phoenix and saving the universe?
Weariness has, in fact, won in this room. Everything has been polished,
washed, sat on, used, scrubbed too often. All pretenses but living itself
have long since vanished from the very atmosphere of this room.
And where does it end?
An end to misery! To stupidity! Don’t you see there isn’t any real progress,
Chuck, there is only one large circle that we march in, around and around,
each of us with our own little picture in front of us – our own little mirage
that we think is the future.
Xavier moves his rook.
I hope you guys enjoyed my scripts. I'm hoping that Fox picks them up and I make some huge bank. What ideas do you guys have for X-Men scripts? Are any of them as ridiculous as these ones?
Mat "InferiorEgo" Elfring is a comedian, teacher, comic store employee, and writer of sorts.
He's also on twitter: @ inferiorego
NOTE: The majority of the dialogue from my X-Men 5 film actually comes from the classic Lorraine Hansberry play A Raisin in the Sun. I totally made you guys read classic literature!