Jumping the Shark Doesn't Even Begin to Describe it
By The Angry Comic Book Critic
This is a special message I have for Sam Raimi....I would like to know right fucking now exactly what went through your mind as you where making this film were you just board of the series and wanted to ensure that no would let you do a sequel so you could move on to other projects? Or did you just enjoy getting fucked up the ass by the studio who demanded you put all the unnecessary characters that watered down the story and made the whole film a waste of time and a epic fail as well as turned a once epic series into complete crap? I sincerely hope it was the 1st one if that's the case I can forgive you but if it's the 2nd one all I can say is may god have mercy on your soul cause I sure as hell won't. Don't get me wrong I loved the 1st two Spider-man films by you and the Evil Dead Trilogy is a Classic series but this was pure garbage and for a director of your caliber I expected soooo much more from you what I got here is something I expected of Joel Schumacher or Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer who made all those god awful (Insert Genre) movies but not from you. You I always had faith in until I saw this. You dropped the ball worse than Steven Spielberg for Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this was your worst film to date I certainly hope you can find redemption in your future projects cause your more than capable of it if you want to. Alright now that that's out of the way lets review this shit stain cause after some failed anger management it's time to get angry again.
This movie is pure and simply ass! With the only redeeming qualities to being the Special effects and J.K Simmons as J Jonah Jameson cause that man was born to play that role and for that I give him my thanks but as for the rest of the people in this film I say fuck you for sucking and making EVERY SINGLE LINE IN THE FUCKING FILM FELT LIKE IT WAS FROM A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE!!!!!!!! I'm really not kidding here half the time nearly all the actors in this film seemed like they where fresh out of acting school instead of well establish credible actors that they are with such over acting that it turned emotion into something to be laughed at instead of something to give the film realism. The rest of the time everyone was whining like a pathetic little bitch which such classics as "It's not about you it's about me peter" or "Your breaking up with me MJ "Sob" "Sob"" god almighty I've read nearly every single issue ever made of amazing spider-man as well as seen Spider-man the Animated Series dozens of times and Peter and MJ were NEVER EVER this annoying or selfish I swear to god the only moment in this film that wasn't a major action scene that I liked was when Peter pimp slaps MJ to the floor at the dance club that made me laugh but going by what I know about those two as characters from all the other media formats I've seen them in that scene wasn't just Jumping the Shark that my friends was Jumping the shark coming back shooting it in the balls raping it eating it's flesh consuming it's soul mounting it's head on a wall and doing it 12 more times just to be safe (All credit to the Jumping the Shark Speech Goes to Doug Walker AKA the Nostalgia Critic on www.Thatguywiththeglasses.com) Okay now that I've covered my ass from copyright infringement let's move on now. Gwen Stacy why the hell would you put her in this franchise this late in the game there was absolutely no good reason to have her in this film aside from giving the audience a new piece of eye candy now that Kristen Dunst is getting on in years I mean she contributed nothing to the story and was there just to be there and there is nothing worse to me in a film then to have a main character that contributes nothing to the story and is just there as eye candy even Megan Fox contributed something to Transformers aside from eye candy. Venom why? Why god would you do this to him why lord why?! In the comics Venom was not some douche bag prick that annoyed everyone just by standing in the room. Venom believed himself to be a hero and protector of the innocent through his warped moral code he was in some sense an Anti-hero he even saved lives the only people he wanted Dead were certain people, criminals and Spider-man. Now I going to say Topher Grace was the Worst Possible choice for Venom in both body type and personality he acts like a pretentious jackass throughout the film and whenever he was on screen I just wanted to punch him right in the nads. Now comes the big one for this film what I am about to say to me is on par if not worse to me than One More Day to me this is original sin in terms how bad this portion of the film was here goes........deep breath......Sandman Killed Uncle Ben......NOOOOOO!!!! NO NO NO NO FUCKING NOOO!!! I want to make this perfectly clear SANDMAN NEVER EVER EVER KILLED UNCLE BEN!!!! This part of the film made me want to cry out with such intense fury and rage that it would make the hulk look like he was having a hissy fit by comparison! It didn't even make sense for god sake in the 1st film they admitted the killer was the guy who robbed the wrestling league manager it wasn't sandman why the hell would they retacon it what was the point it just made the film even worse by doing that and really pissed off the fans at least when tim burton made the Joker the killer of batman's parent in the 1989 film I could buy it and it made sense because that was the direction they were going for the franchise with this is failed worse then Kathy Griffin's stand up routine. This Film was not only a shit stain on a great series but a blight on the Super hero genre not seen since Batman and Robin that is how bad this movie was and goddamn the people who wrote this filth and I want them to know there's a special place in hell for their brand of writing! Okay there's a lot more to rant about for this but I'm going to just rap this up by saying this film is a prime example of how a bad film with a very good marketing campaign can fool us into thinking a film was going to be good they did it with independence day they did it with Godzilla and by god they did it with this. I can admit it when I saw the trailer for this I was hyped as hell I thought it was going to be the best thing since Spider-man 2 I was so wrong I can't even begin to describe.
I'm The Angry Comic Book Critic and this movie is just pure shit and will be judged as such!