Zem the Mattress

Zem tumbled through cosmic space, his stuffing fluffing in the solar wind. "Oh frabjous day, I worgle in happiness", he floruped. Zem had to say he was partial to the kind of blue-y orange that occasionally suffused his vision, usually next to the reddish-green. "Curiouser and curiouser, I seem to have lost my beauteous stripes" Zem shed a tear then, but only for the briefest of moments. This opened up a whole new realm of possibilites. He could try polka dots. Or thinner stripes. OR STRIPES RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. He glorgled in the purest joy, flipping over and over in the rainbow void. He thought it was time for a song:

Oh I am a mattress,

A mattress am I

I live on Sqournshellous Zeta

Where it is never dry,

I lie in the mud and annoy robots,

What a great life a mattress has gots

---

Oh I am a mattress,

A mattress am I

I'm tumbling through interspace

Which makes the mortals cry

I spin in the air and think of polka dogs

What a great life a mattress has gots

Zem eventually tumbled through the other side of interspace, bouncing off a rainbow and finding himself back in the middle of Squornshellous Zeta. He was just as happy to be back home as he was to be in the intercosmic void.

@nerx: Loudly yells, "AM I COMFORTABLE ENOUGH FOR YOU? I CAN INCREASE MY SQUISHODES IF IT WOULD HELP!"

@sideslash: It's funny, because all the mattresses are named Zem, except for the hipster who is Zachary. And because futons are basically a fancier term for mattresses, there are only slight differences.

@armistice: "WE MATTRESSES FROM SQUORNSHELLOUS ZETA ARE NOT BREAKABLE."

@amaranth_strix: Florgles with joy. :)

You thought it was a joke.

It wasn't.

Hello, it is I, Zem the Mattress! I am here to announce a very exciting new opportunity! I, Zem, have banded together with other Zems and we will solve CRIMES! I flurgle in happiness at the thought. It will be just like CSI, but with more polyester.

Now join me in a rousing chorus of the MATTRESS SONG!!!:

Oh I am a mattress,

A mattress am I

I live on Sqournshellous Zeta

Where it is never dry,

I lie in the mud and annoy robots,

What a great life a mattress has gots

-

Next verse!

-

I am nice and springy

Nice and springy am I

My polyester filling

Makes the allergic cry

Robots run away as I talk all day,

What a great life, a mattress has got

-

I am a striped mattress,

A striped mattress am I

My blue horizontal stripes

Makes the robots cry

I like icecream, something something something....

What a great life Zem the Mattress has got!

-

I love everything,

Love everything do I,

Especially icecream,

Which gets in the robots circuits and makes him die

Icecream is nice on Squornshellous Zeta where it is very hot,

What a great life Zem the Mattress has got!

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OOC infos: So this is pretty much what it sounds like: Zem the Mattess is leading an all-mattress crime-fighting squad. To join, create a profile Zem the [Adjective] Mattress, and join up! An example would be Zem the Invincible Flying Mattress, or Zem the Intelligent Mattress, or as the ongoing joke goes, Zachary the Hipster Futon.

Then we will solve crimes. Probably in this thread. You can come mess with the mattresses if you want, mattresses seriously don't care. Also, every single mattress is named Zem.

All of them.

Posted

Zem wasn't sure how, but he kept ending up in furniture stores. He'd be lying on the sidewalk…FURNITURE STORE! He's be looking around an IKEA to see if he recognized any of his friends….FURNITURE STORE! He'd be outside a furniture store…BAM! FURNITURE STORE! Zem was a very good-tempered mattress, but this was starting to get on his spring-loaded nerves. Did it occur to anyone that Zem didn't WANT to be in a furniture store?! He had very, very important things to do. For example, today he planned to lounge around in a mud puddle all day. But noooooo….FURNITURE STORE. THERE WAS NEVER ANY MUD IN THE FURNITURE STORES. 

Zem slammed into the cool-haired human's face, bouncing back to the floor. Hm...that wasn't quite right. Zem had been aiming for the door. Which was behind the human! Now, Zem could just go around the human, but that was too much for his mattressy little brain. It was really amazing that the mattress race had survived as long as it had, but mattresses had almost no natural predators. And they could never tell when one of them had been killed since all mattresses were named Zem. 
 
Zem flopped down and considered once more how to get to the door. The human was still sorta in the way. He poked at Zem, hitting his springs. "THAT TICKLES!" Zem blurbled, laughing. Sadly for the human...his Song Spring had been pressed. The pressure point that made Zem burst into song. He cleared his throat. "OOOOOHHHH" He began,  
 
"Oh I am a mattress, 
A mattress am I 
I live on Squornshellous Zeta 
Where it is never dry 
I lie in the mud and annoy robots 
Oh what a great life 
Zem the mattress has got!"

Zem sadly flopped off of the mattress-stand. Was he not a soft enough mattress? Was he not blue enough in his stripes? Was he not snowy-white enough in his other stripes? Did he not have an absolutely charming personality, and a lovely singing voice? Zem took up a dramatic pose, lifting his front off the ground. HE WAS A MATTRESS! AND HE WAS A GOOD MATTRESS AT THAT! Could the humans not see that? Well, either way, ZEM KNEW IT! 
 
"  ♪Listen monster man, I'm not a fan!♪" Zem looked around. Monster? Where! He hoped it wasn't a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. There was nothing there. It must be an INVISIBLE Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. "T hat's.................different." The human with the nice fluffy hair said. Zem preened. He was indeed a lovely mattress, and he knew it. He was prime mattress. All the lady mattresses loved him back on Squornshellous Zeta. "  ♪You may be springy and fun to use, but that won't stop me from doing what I do!♪" Oh no..this couldn't be.....AN INVISIBLE RAVENOUS BUGLBLATTER BEAST OF TRAAL...WITH A POGO STICK! This was the subject of all of Zem's nightmares! 
 
He began to flop forwards as quickly as he could towards the human-with-the-cool-hair. "EAT HIM!!" Zem yelled, intended for the Pogoing Invisible Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, though it sounded more like a threat.

RPG is up! 
http://www.comicvine.com/forums/rpg/9/the-bestest-battle-ever-zem-the-mattress-vs-afro-man-rpg/574918/