TheCannon Reviews: Impact Wrestling 5/8/15

Hey there everyone. I’m not in the mood to do my typical intro today, so let’s just get through this. This was advertised as a live Impact, but in reality it was on a one-hour tape delay or something like that. They were hyping up a former World Champ as the special referee for tonight, so that should be interesting.

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No Al Snow on the announce team tonight, so that’s good.

No opening video tonight which was weird. Show opens with Eric Young demanding to know who the referee for tonight is, as he’s been #1 contender for 5 weeks and deserves it. Then Bully Ray’s music hits, and he comes out in a referee shirt with a leather vest over it which looked awful. He then asks if we know who he is, and he says he’s the referee for tonight.

So Bully Ray... meh. Seems kinda anti-climatic really. Don’t see the point in brining him back honestly. Seems like a waste of money. He also looks like he’s put on weight since we saw him last year.

Also, Young’s vest had some patches on the shoulders and it looked like they were eyes with how the collar came over them.

After an opening video, Ethan Carter III & Tyrus (in a very nWo-like outfit) come out. EC3 gets on the mic and says that there’s an energy in the building tonight. He then says some stuff that sounds nice but didn’t mean much, and basically got a “You Can’t wrestle/Yes he can” chant going. Mr. Anderson comes out and is very annoying, and shows up the poll results for his match with EC3. Falls Count Anywhere (which Anderson wanted) won by 85% and arm wrestling (which EC3 wanted) got 15%. Yeah, this certainly wasn’t rigged or anything.

Match #1 - Falls Count Anywhere: Ethan Carter III w/Tyrus vs. Mr. Anderson

This match was okay I suppose, but nothing too memorable. I hate the way it was booked honestly. I know EC3‘s streak so far has mostly been him cheating his way through it, but he’s still been booked to be (generally) evenly matched against top guys and legends. So why is Anderson destroying him at the beginning pretty much with ease? EC3 does manage to get the advantage, but no where near as much offense as he should. He isn’t even involved in the finish at all, as all that happens is Tyrus coming in and destroying Anderson and letting EC3 pin him. Why did Anderson even want a Falls Count Anywhere match when he knew something like that could happen?

Winner via shenanigans: Ethan Carter III

The BDC comes out with awful masks. MVP gets on the mic and says that tonight Impact is live. Except it isn’t. MVP then talks about how the mask belongs to Homicide, but he isn’t here tonight as he was in the broncs and got blindsided by someone and needs shoulder surgery. He then goes on some nonsense about the government doing stuff but the crowd calling them thugs when they do it but cheer the Rising. Since when do they cheer The Rising? He then says something about “thug” being the new word for the N word. They bleeped it out obviously, but you can read his lips and tell he said it.

Drew Galloway & the Rising then come out and spout their typical nonsense. Galloway says that they had nothing to do with Homicide getting taken out, as they do their business in the ring. He then tries to say that “Homicide” isn’t exactly the nicest name and it could have been anyone... yeah Galloway, I seriously doubt his legal name is Homicide or that he goes around calling himself that. He then tries saying it could have even been Kenny King since he saw how Homicide was looking at his X-Division title last week. Since Galloway’s logic makes no sense, a challenge is then made for Galloway & MVP in a one-on-one match.

Match #2 - Drew Galloway vs. MVP

Meh. It’s a Drew Galloway match; what do you expect me to say?

My biggest thoughts for this match were “When is Marvel/Disney gonna sue over MVP’s skull logo?” Then I realize no one from Marvel or Disney watches TNA.

Galloway wins with that stupid finisher he has.

Winner via pinfall: Drew Galloway

After the match EY comes out to attack Galloway, and he beats down on the Rising with the rest of the BDC. This was completely random, but I love seeing EY randomly attack people, so I’m happy with it.

Backstage James Storm is shown arriving with a giant gift box, and he says it’s a special present for a special friend. He says that he’s like Santa and he’s just giving out gifts and that we’re gonna be upwrapping more soon. Very soon... Or whenever TNA’s writing staff remembers Strom giving this line and realizing they have loose ends to wrap up.

After commercials, Storm comes out with the giant gift box. He says that he can talk about beating people and and drinking beer and blah blah blah (his words, not mine). He says that he wants to shift the spotlight to someone else, so he wants to bring out his good friend: Mickie James. Micke’s music hits and she comes out. Storm says that he knows Mickie is transitioning her life from wrestling to motherhood, and that everyone can respect that, as without his mom, he wouldn’t know right from wrong, so god bless motherhood. Storm says that Mickie promised the fans one more match, and the time will come where she’ll give them one more match. Storm then says something about how important her music is to her, and decides to get to the point and gives Mickie her gift. She opens it and it’s a custom guitar. It’s purple and has “Mickie James” written on it and it actually looks pretty. He then says he wants to get a pic of them together and post it on his Twitter, and calls in someone from ringside with a camera and says that they’re gonna take a giant selfie right now. Is it really a selfie when you’re not the one taking the pic?

Magnus then comes out looking angry, and he doesn’t come out to his music surprisingly. Storm says that he got a gift for Magnus too, and he gives Magnus a spiked gladiator helmet. Storm then chuckles and asks if he remembers it. For those who don’t get it, when Magnus debuted in TNA back in 2009, he was “The Modern Day Gladiator” Brutus Magnus and came out in a spiked gladiator helmet like that. He was really lame and inexperienced back then, but he’s come a long way. I don’t know how many people watching even remember Magnus back then, but for a long time fan like me, I f*cking loved that.

Magnus then gets offended and walks away with Mickie, until Storm says that he also got something for Donovan (Magnus’s & Mickie’s son). He pulls out something, but I couldn’t tell what it was exactly. Storm says that Donovan can wear it and can be told it came from Uncle James. Magnus then gets angry and walks back into the ring, grabs the guitar, and hits Storm in the had with it before walking off again. The camera zooms in on Storm’s face and just shows a smile. Seems like that was just there just to remind/hint to us Storm is still a heel. Yet Magnus looks pretty heelish at the same time here...

You know what? I could b*tch about this scene, but I’m not going to. TNA is at least trying to do something interesting with this storyline, and they are keeping me interested in what happens. That and James Storm can make just about anything work, and he’s giving this storyline his all, so he deserves credit and respect there. So yeah, keep it up TNA. I want to see where this story is going.

Also, I wonder what Manik, Abyss, & Koya think when watching this. Is the Revolution even a thing anymore?

Backstage Eric Young & the BDC are talking, and MVP asks EY what he was doing out there. EY says something about how he wants

Backstage BDC/EY scene. “Yo man, what are we doin? I thought we were done with Looney Toons”

Match #3 - The Dollhouse (Taryn Terrell, Jade, & Marti Belle) vs. Gail Kim & Awesome Kong

THIS is what they open up the second hour with? You want people to switch channels, don’t you TNA?

The match was just not good. Jade is hot but just not good in-ring so far, Marti doesn’t even have the hot thing going for her, and I’ve never been impressed by Taryn. I’ve seen Gail carry Taryn before and I’ve seen her carry people like Brooke to passable/decent matches, but you know you suck when Gail can’t do that for you, and she couldn't do that for Jade or Marti here. Dollhouse wins after Taryn gets a roll-up on Gail. Who cares?

Winners via roll-up: The Dollhouse

After the match Marti gets caught between Gail & Kong in the ring while Taryn & Jade are on the outside, and they both beat up Marti. First off, that seemed very heelish of them. Secondly, she even sold Kong's Implant Buster poorly. How the hell is that even possible?

Matt Hardy comes out and talks about how Jeff got injured in a dirtbike accident and they are forced to vacate the TNA World Tag Team Championships. Matt says that it’s time for him to go away and think about what’s next for Matt Hardy and walks away. They actually showed video of Jeff getting injured before this scene, and I have to ask... Jeff, what the f*ck is wrong with you? It’s one level of crazy to even do stunts like that, but if that’s what you’re into then fine. But you’re under contract to TNA as a reigning champion there yet you do sh*t like that? You just f*cked up their entire tag team division now, and (if my guesses are correct) the world title scene. This is nowhere near as bad as the Victory Road 2011 debacle, but it’s a good display of why Jeff can’t be trusted with anything. Just f*ck you Jeff Hardy, I hope you never recover and are forced to retire. Now please break something that prevents us from having to hear you speak.

After that, the Clean Faces (Austin Aries & Bobby Roode) come out. I know TNA calls them the Dirty Heels, but as I said before, that name makes no sense currently, so I call them the Clean Faces. Aries gets the mic and says that he has some unfinished business with EY, but he promised Angle that he wouldn’t lay a hand on Young until after their match, but he will have revenge after this. Aries says that it seems like the tag titles are cursed, as whoever gets them has to vacate them, but that’s an opportunity. He then hypes the two of them up about how great they are, they are two of the most dominant world champions in TNA history (Roode, sure. Aries? Absolutely not), and held the tag team title and didn’t get injured. He then says that they’re the greatest tag team in the world today, which causes The Wolves’ music to hit and Davey Richards comes out.

Davey then comes out and honestly was boring (but I’m used to it). He basically talked about how great The Wolves are and that they’re the greatest tag team in wrestling today, and Aries points out that Eddie Edwards is still injured. Davey then welcomes back Eddie, who comes out with no crutches or anything and seems to be completely healed. Great news to me. They then talk more without actually saying anything, and basically agree to a best 3 out of 5 series to determine who the better team is. They didn’t specifically say it that I noticed, but I’m pretty sure they’re for the tag titles. Okay scene. Not too interesting, but it does set up their upcoming matches which should be pretty great. Anyone got any predictions on who gets injured next? My money’s on Roode.

Backstage Matt Hardy is leaving the arena, but is stopped by Drew Galloway. He basically says some nonsense to Matt about how they’re both great and how they believe in the same thing, and something about thinking it through or something... I don’t know. Do I look like I pay attention to Galloway? It felt like Galloway was trying to manipulate him into joining the Rising like Storm did for the Revolution.

Angelina Love comes out and starts talking about how great she thinks she is. She then lists stuff that people have been asking her on Twitter, like what she thinks about the break-up of the BroMans (I’m curious about that myself since we haven’t seen or heard from them in weeks) & what she thinks about Kim & Kong teaming up for the first time ever. I’d like to know what she thinks of this crazy new invention called “food”. Velvet Sky is then shown in the crowd and she gets into the ring. She has a whole new look and she doesn’t pull it off well. Angelina just says more random stuff to her while Velvet is quiet. Clearly she’s been taking mic skill lessons off of Awesome Kong. Eventually Velvet hits an awful spear on her and tries beating on her until security comes out and pulls her off. Storyline wise Velvet was fired so she shouldn’t be here, so why didn’t they come out sooner? Why did this scene even happen? No one cares about ANOTHER Velvet/Angelina feud, and no one cares about Velvet in general. After 8 years she’s still complete sh*t in the ring and they’ve done everything they can with her, so there’s nothing more to do with her other than a nostalgia act with Angelina. This hopefully is just a short thing and not a full-time return.

Match #4 - TNA World Heavyweight Championship, Special Referee Bully Ray: Kurt Angle (c) vs. Eric Young

Matthews said that if something ever happened to Captain America, that Kurt Angle could be an Avenger as he’s a cyborg, a machine, an Olympic Gold Medalist, and has the most reigns as and is the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. I’m not sure where to begin questioning that statement first.

There was a point where Angle & Young were trading punches, and the way the camera kept changing when they were hitting made me feel like I was watching Adam West Batman. All that was missing was the “Biff” or “Pow” every time someone was punched.

The match was... eh. What do you expect from a modern day Kurt Angle match? The BDC came out to ringside at one point and didn’t do anything at first, but Young kicked Ray in the groin and knocked him down, allowing the BDC to beat down Angle. But then Chris Melendez (???) comes out and starts trying to fight them off, then they’re followed by the Rising who chase off the BDC. Why was Chris Melendez here? He hasn’t been seen since February, and before that not since last fall. Matt Hardy would have made more sense based on what we saw earlier with him & Galloway. Heck, Rockstar Spud would have made more sense based on him getting screwed out of the X-Division title last week.

Anyway, Young tries hitting a piledriver on Bully at one point for some reason, but Ray reserves it. Young & Angle then keep going back and forth until Angle is finally able to get him to tap out. If I had to guess, I’d assume this is now the end of the feud. I’m wondering why they brought back Bully though; did this match need a special referee? There was no storyline reason for it, and Bully as the ref didn’t seem to set up any future stories or anything. Just seems like a really odd decision.

Winner via submission: Kurt Angle

Overall Impressions:

Wasn’t a huge fan of this show. I’ve seen far worse, but there just wasn’t much memorable here. For a “live” Impact I expected a surprise or two, but we got pretty much nothing (Bully & Velvet don’t count). I’d rather his a logically booked show (by TNA standards) than a bunch of surprises & swerves, but still seemed weird. But besides that, none of the matches stand out and the only promos I really liked were the short one from EC3 earlier and Storm giving Magnus the helmet. Still, this show wasn’t too bad, and I am interested in where things go from here, so that’s good. I also think EC3 should officially be considered the #1 contender at this point, so we’ve got that to look forward to if he is. But as for this show, it was just overall underwhelming and unmemorable.

That’s it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought of tonight’s show or the review in the comments. I’m TheCannon, and I will see you later.