TheCannon Reviews: Impact Wrestling 5/15/15

Hey there guys and girls, I’m TheCannon, bringing you a review for the May 15, 2015 edition of TNA Impact Wrestling. After last week’s lackluster “live” show, how would this show turn out? Will EC3 finally get his rightful spot as #1 contender? They were advertizing Team Angle vs Team Young in a “Hardcore War” for tonight’s show, so would that turn out good? Let’s start the show and find out.

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We’ve got Mike Tenay back on the announce table with Josh Matthews, and it’s great to have him back. Never realized how much I missed him until I saw people infinitely inferior to him.

Show opens with Kurt Angle coming out with Chris Melendez, wearing a shirt that certainly stands out. It’s all grey and in black lettering says “ARMY”. Angle says that each week he laces up these boots and goes to war, and last week he want to war with Eric Young, who decided to align himself with the BDC and it blew up in his face. Kurt says that he aligned himself with someone who, Sergeant Chris Melendez, who Kurt says is a true American hero. Kurt goes on about how great Chris Melendez is for putting his life for his country and it cost him his body. Not his body, really more just his leg. He then says he had help from others and calls out The Rising.

The Rising comes out, and Kurt begins thanking them for standing up for the fans, wrestling, & everything and they’re allowing him to defend the title every week which he’s thankful for. As a fan I hate the Rising for that. They then go on about some nonsense that ends with Galloway saying that one day they’re gonna fight for that title and he’s gonna win and take the belt from Angle. And that’s the day and I loose all hope for TNA.

Eric Young comes out shouting know and talks about how it took him weeks to get his title shot, and they stacked the decks against him with special referee Bully Ray and The Rising, and that he got screwed.

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Eric then says some more stuff and he just really just seemed too random. He said something about how Kurt surrounded himself with losers.

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Hope EY keeps this up, I haven't gotten this much use out of that meme in a while.

More stuff is then said, and Angle’s final partner for tonight is revealed to be the returning Lashley. I thought he was gonna be gone for a while, but I guess we’re not that lucky. Young’s team is then revealed and it’s the BDC unsurprisingly, who run down and attack Angle’s team.

Backstage scene where Brooke & Rebel are shown getting ready for their match. With what they’re wearing and the poses they’re making it makes me feel like I’m getting ready to watch some sort of softcore porn. Not that I’d know anything about that kind of stuff...

Match #1 - The Dollhouse (Jade & Marti Belle) w/Taryn Terrell vs. Brooke & Rebel

Remember everyone, this is very important! The Dollhouse has a new theme that’s the song “Doll Parts” by the band Hole with lead singer Courtney Love. It’s so important that they had to tell us in the corner of the screen.

I was going to make a joke here asking where the Menagerie went and how Knux should be on the side of a milk cartoon, but they make a reference that she was part of them but they “went back to the circus”. Technically it was a carnival, but whatever. Does this mean they’re gone from TNA? Cause I’ll be a tad disappointed if Knux is gone. Why is Rebel still here then?

The match was really bad, but when the most talented person out there is Brooke I don’t know what you’re supposed to expect. 3 of the women were hot, so I guess there’s that, but it doesn’t make it entertaining to watch. Still better than that sh*tty Avengers movie I saw earlier in the week I guess. There was a botch where Rebel was going for a split from the top rope, but Jade started rolling away long before Rebel actually got off the rope and she should have noticed. The Dollhouse wins and I truthfully don’t even remember how. Do you really care?

Winners: The Dollhouse

After the match, Taryn gets on the mic and starts giving her nonsense. She says something about her and Gail Kim’s family and says to stay tuned. Is she teasing more of her & the Dollhouse tonight? Please no. I don’t think I can handle more of this sh*t.

Backstage the BDC & EY are talking and they say Homicide can’t be there for Hardcore War tonight. EY says he’s got a guy and they’ll be impressed how crazy he is. Sounds like Bram, or I at least hope it is.

Ethan Carter III comes out and Matthews & Tenay start arguing over whether or not EC3 should be #1 contender (he should be). EC3 gets out and starts complaining about the new Top 5, as he beat Anderson last week in his own match and the guy who is #1 lost last week, so he should be the new champion and demands answers. Mr. Anderson comes out and... JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE F*CK!?! THIS SHOULD HAVE ENDED LAST WEEK!!! TNA, YOU DO REMEMBER THAT ANDERSON KILLS THE MOMENTUM OF EVERYONE HE’S IN A FEUD WITH, RIGHT!?! DON’T F*CKING KEEP THIS THING WITH EC3 GOING!

EC3 tells Anderson that they’re done, but Anderson says that they disappoint him and he wants to fight someone tonight. Anderson makes an offer that he already has something set up where Anderson faces Tyrus and if he wins, he’ll get EC3. EC3 doesn’t agree, and as they walk away Anderson asks if he’ll always be EC3‘s little b*tch, and then keeps repeating it until Tyrus accepts.

Match #2 - Mr. Anderson vs. Tyrus

Match wasn’t that good. I’ve seen worse, but it’s what you’d expect. Most notable thing was Tenay & Matthews arguing with Matthews in support of EC3. Does TNA feel the need to always have the announce team bickering?

EC3 tried to interfere at one point, but the ref threw him out. As he was walking up the ramp, a “We want Ethan” chant broke out, which was cool. Anderson seems mostly out of it, but predictably hits a Mic Check on Tyrus and gets the win. So now we’ve got EC3 vs Anderson AGAIN. They didn’t say it, but I assume for next week. Please be it this time.

Winner via pinfall: Mr. Anderson

Some replays of what happened last week with Magnus & James Storm is shown, and Magnus comes out. Magnus says that he will never apologize for hitting Storm with a guitar, he will hit Storm with a million guitars, and won’t because he’s a piece of crap. Yet Magnus is the face in this. He calls out Storm and his music hits, but Abyss comes out instead and Matthews tells us that isn’t James Storm. Thank you Captain Obvious. Abyss says that Magnus attacked his leader, and he’ll pay or something like that. Abyss & Magnus then start brawling, and use this “BBQ Pitmaster” stuff from another Destination America show that was out there for some reason. They brawl for a while until Manik comes down and is immediately taken out, but then Koya runs down with that walking stick from weeks ago and beats Magnus with it and takes him down. Koya’s a lot like Teddy Roosevelt, he speaks softly and carries a big stick. Manik then gets up and beats on Magnus for a moment until he gets up and poses with Koya & Abyss. Not sure why they’re trying to make Koya look like the most dominant Revolution member.

Match #3 - Clean Faces (Bobby Roode & Austin Aries) vs. The Wolves (Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards)

I hate Aries coming down in a shirt instead of a cape. Makes him look generic.

This was a pretty good match like I expected. I will say that I think Aries & Roode deserve better than going after the tag titles, but the division does need some decent teams, so I guess it's alright for now. Finish comes when Eddie gets roll-up on Roode. Kind of anti-climatic, but I guess they wanted to make the match & finish look close to get some interest in future matches. But overall, good match that I’d recommend checking out.

Winners via pinfall: The Wolves

Backstage scene where Drew Galloway tells Eli Drake & Mica that Kurt only gave them two spots for the Hardcore War, and he had to make a choice, so Eli isn’t gonna be there. Yay? Kurt then comes in with Lashley & Melendez and says that this is one of the best teams he’s been part of in his entire career... Really? One of the best with the Main Event Mafia? The Angle Alliance? Team Angle from Lethal Lockdown 2007 & 2015? Whatever.

Backstage(?) scene where Taryn Terrell & the Dollhouse are shown talking about nothing. She’s talking about something she’s gonna wear for Gail’s husband but it isn’t for you (talking to the camera), so why have a camera there? She then says that she’s gonna go out and show it to everyone. What happened to it wasn’t for us?

Backstage scene where the Revolution are celebrating, and James Storm comes in and starts yelling at them that he didn’t tell them to do that and not to do anything he didn’t tell them to do. I love how the one time the Revolution does something right, Storm scolds them for it.

The Dollhouse comes out, and begins going on about some nonsense. Jade & Marti aren’t wearing shirts (only bras) and aren’t wearing real pants. Why? Taryn shows some pics of her with Gail’s daughters looking uncomfortable. She then says more nonsense that makes me want to cut my ears off and asks for the lights to be lowered, and for some reason they were and some spotlights are shown on the ring. Why does Taryn have control over this? Taryn then takes off her robe and shows off her outfit... yeah, cause this is what I watch a wrestling show for.

Gail Kim comes out and acts all angry about how personal Taryn made it? Taryn says some nonsense and proves she’s one of the worst heels I’ve ever seen. One of them (Marti I think) asks Gail, “Why so serious?” They’re making a reference to Heath Ledger’s Joker? They haven’t earned the right to do that. Marti also offers Gail a lick of her sucker, and Gail says that if Marti doesn’t shut up that she’ll stick that sucker down her (Marti’s) throat. Is that what Marti was already doing?

The whole thing breaks out into a brawl, but I’m not sure I should use that word. It was mostly Gail beating on Taryn and any time Jade & Marti tried to stop he, she effortlessly threw them to the side and went back to beating on Taryn. I thought Ultron was gonna be the least-threatening villain/bad guy I saw in anything this week, but I was proven wrong here. Why did Gail need Kong’s help to fight the Dollhouse when she seems to be having no problem on her own?

Match #4 - Robbie E vs. Jessie Godderz

So, they haven’t been seen or heard from since April 17 when a break up was set up but hadn’t officially happened, and now they’re having a match? Why? “TNA Management” thought this was the best idea, but who is TNA management anyway? Are they split up or what?

They grapple and Robbie gets a quick roll-up and gets the win. That was rather quick.

Winner via pinfall: Robbie E

Jessie gets the mic and says no one wants to see a 5 second match, so asks for another match and Robbie accepts.

Match #5 - Robbie E vs. Jessie Godderz

Match goes on a tad longer, but again Robbie gets a quick roll-up and gets the win.

Winner via pinfall: Robbie E

After the match, Jessie says he wasn’t even ready as his tights were still tied and asked for one final match to determine once and for all who the better BroMan was, and Robbie accepts yet again.

Match #6 - Robbie E vs. Jessie Godderz

This match goes on for about a minute before Robbie gets another roll-up after a reversal and gets the win.

Winner via pinfall: Robbie E

Afterwards, Jessie becomes p*ssed and starts going after Robbie, throws the ref out of the ring, and beats on Robbie. He continues this and it goes outside the ring, leading to him slamming Robbie’s head into the post for the ring with a chair. So, looks like the BroMans have broken up and Jessie’s the heel. Not sure why they’ve split up considering TNA needs more tag teams right now, but whatever I guess. I’m kinda curious how this turns out for both guys, but I just feel like this is gonna be a mistake. And where’s Zema?

Match #7 - Hardcore War: Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Chris Melendez, Lashley, Drew Galloway, & Mica) vs. Team Young (Eric Young, MVP, Low Ki, Kenny King, & ???)

The rules to this are that two men from each team will start off, and every 90 seconds someone new will come out until all 10 men are there, and everyone brings down a weapon of choice with them. It’s basically Lethal Lockdown or Wargames without the cage.

Galloway & Low Ki start off, and everyone next (in order) is Kenny King, Mica, Eric Young, Kurt Angle, MVP, Chris Melendez, Bram (yay!), & Lashley. Glad I was right about Bram.

The match wasn’t bad, but really wasn’t good either. It’s about what you’d expect really. It had the typical TNA thing where everyone had to hit their finisher or some move all in a row to eliminate people. And it had the “one person jumps on about everyone else outside the ring and takes them out, including people that weren’t hit” thing TNA loves. Twice. Finish comes when Eric Young hits a Piledriver on Chris Melendez. I feel like Melendez was here mostly just to take a pin.

Winners via pinfall: Team Young

After the match, Young goes after Melendez some more and takes out his fake leg. Angle then gets in there and asks him what he’s doing, and Young ends up attacking him, and the show ends with Young choking out Angle with the leg. Well, I guess Eric Young’s begun the first leg of his journey to regaining the world title.

Overall Impressions:

The show was... okay. I’m just sick of the Angle/Young, Rising/BDC, & EC3/Anderson feuds, plus the Dollhouse, so this show was kinda boring and a pain to watch. Quality wasn’t that bad, but I’m just sick of seeing a lot of this stuff. Wolves/Clean Faces was good, and I’m semi-interested in the Robbie/Jessie thing, but I can’t say I’m into much more than that. Magnus/Storm seems to be going nowhere, and other than that I just want EC3 to get his title shot. For their top heel, they’re making him way too likeable and sympathetic. So yeah, just overall a show I wasn’t too interested in. I’d recommend the Wolves/Clean Faces match, but nothing else from this show stood out to me.

That’s it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. I’m TheCannon, and I will see you guys and girls later.

Next week’s show:

I just wanted to discuss this before leaving. I’m not sure what’s going on with next week’s show. I heard it originally being a 3-hour PPV show, but I later heard it was just a replay of last year’s Slammiversary. But recently I heard that TNA taped a full 3-hour show that will air outside the US, but here on Destination America it will not be aired and we’ll get Slammiversary instead. I’m not entirely sure what’s true and what isn’t, but it sounds like something’s gotten screwed up. If I’m able to watch the next episode of Impact (whether it’s on TV or online) then I will review it as always. If it’s Slammiversary 2014 then I might review it but I have no guarantee that I will. I’ll depend on what I feel like then.

But, just wanted to give an update on the mess of TNA’s programming right now and what’s going on with me reviewing it. Nothing more to add, so see you.