Anti Jokes

No Caption Provided

I ran into an old friend the other day.

I was arrested for driving under the influence.

No Caption Provided

Q:What group of people do cops target?

A:Criminals

No Caption Provided

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Bob's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Also 7 has a hook for a hand so that's pretty scary.

No Caption Provided

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?

A bullet.

No Caption Provided

How do you get a clown off a swing?

Hit him with an axe.

No Caption Provided

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

*Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.*

No Caption Provided

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a fridge at him.

No Caption Provided

What did one pancake say to the other pancake?

Nothing, there is no such thing as talking pancakes.

No Caption Provided

Argon walks into a bar...

Nobody notices because argon is a tasteless, colorless, odorless, and nontoxic gas.

No Caption Provided

Two men walk into a bar...

Not it's just me, I'm really lonely.

No Caption Provided

People are like drums.

If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.

No Caption Provided

Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes.

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

No Caption Provided

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment for up to 20 years in an international detainment facility.

No Caption Provided

Why does the milkman carry milk?

Because that is his job.

No Caption Provided

I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression the other day.

It made me sad.

No Caption Provided

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Not Susie

No Caption Provided

Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

No Caption Provided

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and a pretty good spring and summer, too.

No Caption Provided

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.

But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.

No Caption Provided

Where did Susie go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

No Caption Provided

What did one Japanese man say to the other?

I have no idea, I don't speak Japanese.

No Caption Provided

What did the fat kid get for Christmas?

Presents

No Caption Provided

What did the hobo get for Christmas?

Nothing.

No Caption Provided

What was the pirate movie rated?

PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.

No Caption Provided

I'm about to rewrite history.

History

No Caption Provided

Do you know what Chuck Norris does for a living?

He's an actor, I also heard he's quite good with martial arts.

No Caption Provided

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.

The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water.

His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too."

So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.

No Caption Provided

Q: Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?

A: Tax evasion.

No Caption Provided

Knock knock.

It's the landlord.

Rent is due.

No Caption Provided

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: Still a deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the animal's species.

No Caption Provided

Q: What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?

A: Both are not a lamp.

No Caption Provided

What do you call a joke with no punchline?

No Caption Provided

Q: What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the batmobile?

A: Get in the batmobile.

No Caption Provided

Q: What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?

A: A stab wound.

No Caption Provided

Q: Why can't the T-Rex clap?

A: Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

No Caption Provided

A man walks into a bar. He suffers a fatal concussion and the playground is shut down by local police until proper padding is installed.

No Caption Provided

Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

No Caption Provided

Roses are dead.

Violets are dead.

I am a bad gardener.

No Caption Provided

What did little Timmy want for Christmas?

Parents.

No Caption Provided

Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.

No Caption Provided

If life gives you melons, you are dyslexic.

No Caption Provided

What's Batman's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit.

No Caption Provided

A fat man has three chocolate cakes, a dozen buttered bagels, ten quarts of ice cream, and fifty rainbow cookies. He eats everything. What does he have now?

Two minutes until execution. He's on death row for serial murder.

No Caption Provided

There's A Few More For You. I Haven't Updated This Post In A Year.

12 Comments