My 41st Birthday Wishlist

Get on it. You have until 15 February 2015. *SOME OF THE NOTES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER READERS. Viewer discretion is advised.

List items

  • Imagine the money one would save on gas--extremely important especially in today's economy. Running a little behind wouldn't have to derail your entire day, and what?? Your comic store sold out of the latest issue of Saga? Instead of bitching about Diamond, teleport on over to the next closest store and knick one. I'm sure that's what the Viper and Silver Samurai are doing in this pic.

  • I'm getting married in a little over a month, and will gain the most important ring I will ever own in my life. Still, if one is hardpressed to find me a teleportation ring for my birthday, he or she could time-travel to the 31st Century of the DCU and snag me a Legion of Superheroes Flight Ring. We'd be friends for life!

  • Gallagher would be so envious. Stylish, sleek, and comically deadly, Harley's hammer would look nice mounted over the mantel like a hunting rifle in some old white man's cabin.

  • So, after his original armor was destroyed in Iron Man # 127, Abner Jenkins had the Tinkerer make him this more streamlined design in Spectacular Spider-Man # 58. Possibly based on designs for another Tinkerer client, the Binary Bug (Machine Man # 11), this aerodynamic suit would not only allow me to get from my suburban home to my job in the city in no time flat, but would also allow me to launch an anonymous campaign of terror against the Westboro Baptist Church (unless they're on Comic Vine), stalk my celebrity crushes in style, and do Jackass-esque stunts without undue injury, leading to a lifelong friendship with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Magera.

  • Poor little guy. Skywalkers kicked him to the curb, but I'd get him fixed up and slap one of those trays on 'em that intergalactic beeping douchebag R2-D2 wore in Return of the Jedi and R5 would be the most popular droid at my step-son's pool party. Also, it would be nice to have a friend controlled by a restraining bolt; my Japanese Chin keeps slipping out of the chain link fence around the backyard.

  • "F*** you, telemarketer. My cat says you're lying," would sound insane if I didn't have one of the Will's partner's littermates laying around the house as cats often do. Shannon, my soon-to-be wife (I described her in About Me as wife so I don't have to update in a month), would be less than thrilled about another pet, but she'd appreciate that it would keep everyone in the house more honest.

  • So, according to the TSR Marvel Super Heroes rpg Ultimate Powers Book, disruption attacks the molecular bonds of the target material, prolonged blasting returning material to its original state: sand, liquid, gas... whatever. What fun one could have cruising around town and blasting billboards for real estate agents, unsightly garden decorations, and issues of X-Force # 1 (Liefeld). Life's a video game with Yellowjacket's stingers. Also, probably more affordable than Beetle armor.

  • With this fell book, I will make all Twihards cry emo tears of genuine sorrow as I consign vampires back to the Mormon housewife's stupid imagination, the goth cosplay wardrobes, and the White Wolf role-playing games where they belong. Also, tentacle sex with the Mrs. when the Captain has, um, problems that "happen to everyone."

  • I cannot imagine a more stylish boom box. I haven't had a good cassette player in years. HOWEVER! I hope my Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack or my Buzzcocks tape doesn't suddenly turn into a panther and run off down the street. That could create liability issues I am not financially equipped to handle.

  • It doesn't have to be a fully functional one. I'd settle for the one from Super-Villain Team-Up # 17 with Hitler's consciousness trapped inside.

  • I'm not advocating infidelity or human trafficking, but, um, well... uh... ~stammers~ she makes me feel funny in my bikini area.

  • I'd never fear the warm waters of the public pool again in this self-contained, laser-loaded sleek fashion accessory. No grill would be too hard to light, and Jehovah's Witnesses would reconsider ringing my doorbell while I'm powering through seasons of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. How could Zarana possibly resist my capacity for wholesale destruction?

  • Winters in Missouri suck, but I would get a really expensive and big heated enclosure for D.D. In summer, I could ride astride him like Moon Boy to work, gobbling up people who don't use their turn signals and rampaging through Wal-Marts.

  • Please.