What is it about human relationships that I always find so alluring?

The immediate gratification of physical reward that all long for, at one point or another in their lives? The reality that you're not alone in your despair, and that there are people willing to carry your load with you?

Or is these same qualities that I treat like the voice of siren when I first hear it, only to gradually become the agonizing shriek of a banshee? Do I put up this resistance in order not to become addicted and dependent on this blessing in disguise?

To explain why I relent, or at the most, doubt these ties to last for a long time, you have to go through every day of my life. My joys, my sorrows, my blessings, my curses, my redemption of my being, my heartbreaks and my leaps into insanity. It's hell thinking about the people that betrayed me, but it's an even bigger hell to deny the people who genuinely want to bring me into their lives.

Every day I think about it, and it always seems surreal... Kind souls who actually offer their kindness to me, who seek to make me strong, who highly consider my opinion, without any ulterior motive guiding their words. As I readily accept these gifts, I always wonder, when will the other boot drop?

Before, I was alone, broken, bitter, distrusting of everyone that spoke to me. Now, I'm just wondering, if these vicious cycle will repeat itself, but with me as the oppressor...

I'm not delusional. I linger in my mistakes, still, but not in a way to seek penance, but as a way to analyze what I do today to avoid being that vindictive person that has attacked and betrayed me without stabbing me in the back. As I watch the sun set into the darkness, I wonder on how long will this torture continue.

I would try to ignore it. A bottle of Heineken, a Black & Mild Vanilla, sure, that would be the easiest way... But all I'm doing is killing myself. And in a way, the bottle and the blunt is synonymous with these ties that bind me. I try my hardest not to lose myself in such concepts, but haven't I lost myself by being over analytical in these very concepts?

But at the end of it all, if these ties are going to be my noose, then hell, might as well let it do its job. For it gives me the death in which I don't feel the pain, but to the contrary, I dare compare it, with having the best sex with the most beautiful woman you can conjure up in your mind.

I only have one life, and I don't think I'll be reincarnated anytime soon. Might as well make this memorable, because... Just because.