Lance Uppercut

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Poetry and other junk

I'll periodically post things here. Writing this because it seems to be all I have left.
 
 

The choice between sleep and being awake is treacherous

My mistakes play over and over again in my head

Tangible, letting me feel my torment all over again

Inside a fire burns

Nearly extinguished as I wake

It’s replaced ice as I cut myself off from what I feel

I’m reminded that I’m supposed to be learning about myself

I’m reminded that I’m supposed to be embracing my feelings

The ice begins to thaw

A flood of emotions

Anger

Regret

Punctuated by joy, to cleanse my mental palate

I see all the beauty in the world

I miss the moments when I had it

The wolves smell blood

They circle

I drive them off with the fire

Burn myself out

Return to regret

Regret slips in to anxiety

Anxiety slips in to sadness

I listen to music thinking it will make me feel better

This time, Joshua Radin

The sounds of the Sesame Street theme

Doesn’t help

Reminds me that I used to be happy

That I used to have love in my life

I’m blind to what I still have

I push it all away

I log on

See her

Reminded again of loss

I   walk outside, and leave my coffee on the table

No caramel machiatto can sooth me today

I cry on the curb for a few minutes

Call from my sister

I pick it up and she hears me sobbing as I ask if I can call her back

She says okay, and texts instead

So much love

I miss my tiny dancer, and Heidi, and even her boyfriend who I don’t know all that well

Reminded that someone loves me

I walk back inside

I want to go to Sesame Street

They all seem so happy

Puppet bastards

Feel bad about hating puppets

Apologize to Elmo in my head profusely

Starbucks closes

I ride back to work for a few hours

The regulars cheer me up

Tony, the British one reminds me of my older sisters ex-husband

I liked him, nice fellow, wish things could have worked out

Reminded of my own failed relationships

I cry a bit more

Three A.M. now

Tired

I put on my gloves, spend a few minutes letting the bike warm up, and let the cold air on the ride home numb me a bit

Contemplate whether I should go to bed

Finally end up doing, thinking I’ll feel better

Repeat

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