Lance Uppercut

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WTF is with all of these "ask me questions threads"

Alright. Not to be a dick about this, because I did the same thing what, June? But these are becoming ridiculous. Do I think the ones up now should be closed? Maybe not all of them. But there's a time and a place for something like this. The time is now. The place is Formspring. Google it.


Direct my life

Seeing as how my own choices in life really don't seem to be going so well for me, I've decided that what's the harm in letting other people take a stab at it for me? This is a rare opportunity for an online community to have an effect on real world experiences. So here's you're first choice. I work at Johnny's Pizza, and one o our long time cooks (Steve, a 47 year old with IIRC, cancer of some sort) is retiring. And we've started hiring for new cooks. Now I've only been working there for a month, but the managers like me, and if I wanted a promotion, I could get it. So here's your first choice. Should I go for the promotion? 


Women in Metal

 Y'know this is something often under looked. There are a lot of female artists in music, that every year are recognized for their beauty, grace, and most of all, the sound.
I'm a metal head. Sure, I listen to everything, but metal is a passion. And women in metal are sadly unappreciated by a lot of people. Their out rocking just as hard as the rest of us, and looking hella sexy doing it. So here are some of my favorites. 

  Angela Gossow of Arch Enemy. This Swedish beauty isn't a model, but damn, she could pass for one. I've been listening to her rock the hell out of a stage since Doomsday Machine, and I've loved her ever since. 
Next up is Kittie. An entire band made up of sexy Canadian rockers. The band was formed by two girls met in a gymnastics class. At the very least, you have to admit that it's impressive. 
  And the best thing? The lead singer isn't even the hottest one. And you've got a crowd full of grown men thrashing around to this.
Jen Ledger. God, I love this girl. 

No Caption Provided
She's rather gorgeous, isn't she? Now I don't discriminate in my hard rock. She's the drummer for the christian group Skillet
  Why she's in the back is beyond me, but I love her voice.
Anyway, those are a few samplings from the world of women in metal. Maybe this will become a regular thing on my blog. Let me know who YOU enjoy behind the mic when it comes to women in metal.

Robert Rortiguez presents: Machete - trailer review.

Anyone remember the fake trailers in Grindhouse? Between the movie about the girls with a gun for a leg that that movie with Kurt Russel, we were treated to cute little gems of trailers for movies we thought we'd never see. Until now. 

 I wish I were joking
 I wish I were joking
The trailer begins with someone (who I hope to god is Danny Trejo) pouring liquor out of a bottle or flask of some sort literally shaped like a pistol. It cut's to someone who's obviously Danny Trejo loading a chain gun on to the front of his motorcycle. Seriously. I wish I could make this kind of **** up. Jessica Alba starts narrating and talking about how Danny Trejo is apparently a rogue federal agent  "ruled by a sense of destiny". This, while we're being treated to a montage of Trejo kicking ass and taking names. Apparently Senator McLaughlin and Torrez (played by Robert DeNiro and Steven Seagal of all people) murdered his family or something like that. We're next treated to Michelle Rodriguez stepping out of the back on an ambulance looking rough as hell, in tight pants, a bra, and and eyepatch. The action sequence teasers that follow involve Trejo with six knives attached to a belt, a Mexican Wrestler a girl with a throwing star, what looks like two girls in platform shoes picking up Uzis, some guys car shooting missiles at something I can only assume is Trejo (because obviously the only thing that's taking him out is a sidewinder to the face), and I stopped watching when the eventual nerdgasm of Seagal and Trejo sword fighting came up.
The Good

For some reason, Rodriguez has this amazing ability to get crazy as hell ensemble casts. Robert Deniro? Jessica Alba? I mean, if I'd been told that Lindsay Lohan was going to be in the same movie as Cheech Marin (ironically, as a nun and a priest respectively) were going to be in the same movie ten years ago, I would have gasped and though "That girl from the parent trap and that guy that got high with Chong? No way."

 Because this is the kind of picture you want floating around before a ninety day prison term with a bunch of horny women
 Because this is the kind of picture you want floating around before a ninety day prison term with a bunch of horny women

On a more serious note... Steven Seagal? I don't want to knock Steven. He's made some good movies, but seriously, him?
 Obviously as shocked as I am
 Obviously as shocked as I am

The Bad
I think it really shows a lot about American culture if directors think there's some kind of niche that's seriously going to go in to a theater to watch this movie. Obviously, I'll be joining them, but seriously, is this what we've got? I mean, this isn't going to be the next Titanic. There's no Oscar award for this movie. The best he could gun for is a Teen Choice, and who really wants to slime Danny Trejo when he has a thousand yard stare that kept him alive in prison? 

Ask Lance, #1

 Hello ladies and gents, and welcome to the first edition of ask Lance. So like I stated in the post, questions will be answered in the bloggity blog. You can ask me anything really, and I'll do my best to answer it no matter how awkward or emotional or balls to the wall hilarious it is. So let's get started with our first question from Erik.

What is the meaning of life? 

 Well my dear friend, this is a rather existential question. Nihilism would tell us that- alright, I'm screwing with you. It's 42.
 There are doctors named Kandy, right?
 There are doctors named Kandy, right?
Our next question is medical related, and luckily for Ebbm, I actually have a friend that's an anesthesiologist (which Google says is just a fancy term for Doctor.) 

How do you clean a rather deep flesh wound made by a vegetable peeler? 

 She suggests cleaning the would with mercury. It used to be found in a lot of thermometers, but nowadays everyone has opted for electronic thermometers, so these are going to be really hard to get a hold of. In lieu of this, nothing cleans a wound like good old salt. Don't be afraid to really rub it in. I'd personally suggest some crushed glass too. And after that, wash it with hot water and dump on some peroxide.
On a serious note, yeah, some triple antibiotic cream and some electrical tape. The more brightly colored the better. Trust me. Girls love it when you wrap stuff in tape.
Our first debate related question comes from Courtney12490, who asks the rather pressing question:

 How do you debate with Storm fanboys/trolls without getting into a flame war or losing your mind?

   I really wish I could make a joke out of this, but the sad fact of the matter is that this isn't a joke. Storm fans get pretty adamant about their opinions, and of
 It works for debaters too
 It works for debaters too
course ones first thought might be to down a bottle of tequila, just take a deep breath and speak your peace. If they don't want to listen, it's not really your job to convince them. So long as reasonable debaters are well informed.

How'd you come up with your username Lance?   

Speaking of the Storm fans Courtney... well, some people would posit that i was trying to copy Vance Astro, though anyone who's talked to me knows I'm nothing like the line of Lance Bastro, Trance Dancestro, or any other variations of the name. 
Actually, my name was inspired by a Simpsons episode. 
  Meet Lance. Lance Uppercut
 Meet Lance. Lance Uppercut

More specifically,  The Dad Who Knew Too Little aka Homer and Lisa on the lam. Homer and Lisa were fleeing from the cops, and they checked in to a hotel room under assumed aliases. 
 Hotel Clerk: "Your names?"
Lisa: "Lady Penelope Ariel Ponyweather."
Homer: Uh...Rock Strongo."
Hotel Clerk: "Your real name."
Homer: "Lance Uppercut."
In a rather fun twist, I've got a question from Vance

I have a question for you Lance.If you were playing football and a child ran right in front of you while running the ball would you.... 
A.Run around him 
B.Jump over him 
C.Run him over 
D.Jump kick him 
E.Run off the field and go get some cheese fries

 Well Vance, whenever I hear a question like this (which is surprisingly more often then one would think), I always have to think, WWJD? And the answer? Kids can't run fast enough to catch me. I'd jump kick that little kid so hard people would start calling me Captain Falcon. And then I'd get some cheese fries.
 Little kids aren't about to jump kick themselves, are they?
 Little kids aren't about to jump kick themselves, are they?

Our next question comes from Yautjapool, who asks

What is tennis elbow ? 

Well, Tennis Elbow occurs when the outer portion of the elbow becomes sore and tender. It can occur from most any sports you use a racket for, but you and I both know that you weren't playing tennis, were you -wink wink-
Alright.... I feel kind of weird after that one. I'm going to go take a shower.
Yeah. I need to run that too.
Yeah. I need to run that too.

A rather philosophical question comes from the member Edamame, who asks

How does the student reply when the teacher asks him/her what the words "ignorance" and "apathy" mean?

 The student would reply that he's a teacher and needs to check out a dictionary.
Now I've got a couple of questions from the same guy. So instead of posting them individually, let's do this in one fell swoop.

Why are webcomics so unpopular on this site? Is it because they aren't viewed as comics?
From: Decoy Elite
I'm asking two questions! Do you think Razorfist is a good villain?
 From: Decoy Elite 

 What do you think about writers upgrading weaker villains into viable threats(Spot and Hammerhead for example)?
Decoy Elite 

  Well DE, I'm actually a fan of webcomics my self, but there could be a couple of factors to this. One is that some web comics have no defined story. Personally, some of my favorite are VG Cats, but the fact that it's sporadic to update and has nothing to keep me interested is a pretty big let down.
The second is the lack of volume. Occasionally you'll get a web comic that updates every day, but generally it's once or twice a week, and you get one page to contemplate. A comic book is something you can sit down with and become engaged in. You just don't get enough volume in a web comic. 
Razorfist? Isn't that the guy in the gimp mask and the sword arms? Then no. Not ever.
As for upgrading weaker villains, it's a double edged sword.
Admit it. You love to see a new villain. Guys like Mr. Negative, the Void, Larfleeze, Atrocitus, all BAMF villains that have come out quite recently that have done a lot for villains as a whole. You love to see guys that will challenge a hero in new ways no one has ever seen. You love to see guys like Larfleeze bust out a whole corps of lanterns and so do I. 
But then you have a rogues gallery that you forget if all you do is keep on bringing in new villains. You over saturate the market with all of these new villains, and you've forgotten about the ones you love. The truth is that some characters have to go through evolution, and it should just be the heroes. Hammerhead had spent years getting the tar beat out of him, so wasn't it about time the coyote caught his Roadrunner and beat the crap out of Spider-man? Weren't you excited to see the Juggernaut get his powers back from Cyttorak and go blow for blow with the Hulk? Or an iconic villain like Lex Luthor get his own power ring and go nuts? 
So long as a company doesn't start handing out upgrades willy nilly, I think it's fine. But if I see all of the sinister six members turning in to a Hulk in one issue, I'm not even going to bother. Some upgrades don't work. 
Well, that wraps up the first edition of Ask Lance. I'm not sure how frequently I'll do them, but depending on the response, I may do it once a week or so. Leave comments below for suggestions, and even more questions.
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My favorite musical artists at the moment

I figured this would actually make a really good blog. A lot of people like to claim that they're "In  to every type of music", but the truth is, that's complete bull. There's no way you've heard an artist from every genre ever created ever. But I thought I'd start this out with one good; Damn, I like a lot of different types of music. So without further ado
Colin Hay, AFI, After Midnight Project, Alter Bridge, American Head Charge, Audioslave, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog (pretty much anything Chris Cornells ever been involved with) BB King, Beastie Boys, The Beatles, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Bionic Jive, The Black Keys, Black Lab, AC/DC, Blink-182, The Bouncing Souls, Cage The Elephant, CKY, Cloud Cult, Joshua Radin, Cobra Starship, Coldplay, The Crystal Method, Newton Faulkner, Massive Attack, David Bowie, The Doors Edwyn Collins, Eminem, Eric Clapton, Eve 6, Finger Eleven, The Flobots, Flyleaf, Paramore, Fountains of Wayne, Framing Hanley, Claude DeBussy, Frank Sinatra, Guns N'Roses, House Of Pain, Incubus, Green Day, Interpol, Jedi Mind Trick, Johnny Cash, Jonathan Coulton, Keane, Killswitch Engage, Volbeat, Metallica, IWABO, Slipknot, Korn, SOAD, Linkin Park, Job For a Cowboy, Texas Hippie Coalition, Five Finger Death Punch, Mastodon, Marvin Gaye, Matisyahu, MGMT, Michael Franti and Spearhead, The Mills Brothers, Muse, Mystikal, Neutral Milk Hotel, Beethoven, Nonpoint, Skindred, Notorious B.I.G., Tupac, The Offspring. Kanye West, One Day As A Lion, Otep, Black Sabbath, Polyphonic Spree, The Prodigy, Girl Talk, Rage Against The Machine, Rammstein, Rehab, Sublime, The Dirty Heads, Semisonic, Rise Against, Violent Soho, Sevendust, A Skylit Drive, Smashing Pumpkins, Solomon Burke, Sondre Lerche, Spiderbait, The Sword, Theory Of a Deadman, Tom Waits, Transplants, Weezer, Lil Wayne, ZZ Top, Pomplamoose, Scissorfight, Outasight, Jack Conte, Nat King Cole, The Decemberists, 311, Cypress Hill, Stone Temple Pilots, Blue October, Rilo Kiley, Norah Jones, Angus and Julia Stone, Ben Harper
There are probably some I'm missing. Bu this is what I could remember off the top of my head.

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