So the RPG section... do people bother to read or edit bios? And what's this strange fascination with both godmoding and creating lyke, the most powerful character evarrrrr. Seriously, when did people lose respect for the craft?

For now, this is just a general talk about music. If you couldn't tell, I listen to a lot. Rap, metal, rock, country, classical, etc. The list goes on. I think what I enjoy most about music is the memories or emotion it can invoke. A lot of the stuff I listen to has to do with what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I just enjoy the raw aggression, or I feel like mellowing out. Sometimes it's the lyrics that hook on to my feelings, saying what I can't to the people I want to say them to. Music is life. Music is a friend. It's never let me down, never sold me on false promises... I can just listen and enjoy.

I'll periodically post things here. Writing this because it seems to be all I have left.
 
 

The choice between sleep and being awake is treacherous

My mistakes play over and over again in my head

Tangible, letting me feel my torment all over again

Inside a fire burns

Nearly extinguished as I wake

It’s replaced ice as I cut myself off from what I feel

I’m reminded that I’m supposed to be learning about myself

I’m reminded that I’m supposed to be embracing my feelings

The ice begins to thaw

A flood of emotions

Anger

Regret

Punctuated by joy, to cleanse my mental palate

I see all the beauty in the world

I miss the moments when I had it

The wolves smell blood

They circle

I drive them off with the fire

Burn myself out

Return to regret

Regret slips in to anxiety

Anxiety slips in to sadness

I listen to music thinking it will make me feel better

This time, Joshua Radin

The sounds of the Sesame Street theme

Doesn’t help

Reminds me that I used to be happy

That I used to have love in my life

I’m blind to what I still have

I push it all away

I log on

See her

Reminded again of loss

I   walk outside, and leave my coffee on the table

No caramel machiatto can sooth me today

I cry on the curb for a few minutes

Call from my sister

I pick it up and she hears me sobbing as I ask if I can call her back

She says okay, and texts instead

So much love

I miss my tiny dancer, and Heidi, and even her boyfriend who I don’t know all that well

Reminded that someone loves me

I walk back inside

I want to go to Sesame Street

They all seem so happy

Puppet bastards

Feel bad about hating puppets

Apologize to Elmo in my head profusely

Starbucks closes

I ride back to work for a few hours

The regulars cheer me up

Tony, the British one reminds me of my older sisters ex-husband

I liked him, nice fellow, wish things could have worked out

Reminded of my own failed relationships

I cry a bit more

Three A.M. now

Tired

I put on my gloves, spend a few minutes letting the bike warm up, and let the cold air on the ride home numb me a bit

Contemplate whether I should go to bed

Finally end up doing, thinking I’ll feel better

Repeat

Well, I'm done. I'd say I'm leaving CV, but there are still people I like. So I'm going on a self imposed exile from the forums. Battles, GC, RPG, everywhere. I'll check my PM's, because there are still people I like to talk to, but that's the only way you'll get in touch with me. Seeya.

You know, I've never feared conventional things. Spiders, snakes, dog, lions, that sort of shit. No, I was always afraid of the unconventional. Right now, I'm afraid of sleep because some nights I don't want to wake up. I'm afraid of saying awake because I have to face the world. I'm afraid of change, because lately all the change I make brings me agonizing physical and mental pain. I'm afraid of being declared insane, because that means I've lost the war with my mind, one of the only things I've got going for me. I'm afraid of losing my friends. Seems to be happening a lot lately. I'm afraid of dating a porn actress. I'm afraid that if I'm on a plane that crashes, I won't be able to tell my family I love them. I'm afraid of Sarah Palin becoming president. 
 
Slept last night at work. Admittedly, it wasn't comfortable, but I did. And I woke up. I'm awake. And there's no pain in my chest. Things are changing for me right now, and so far, nothing horrible is happening. So far, I haven't felt disconnected today. My mind is intact. I'm making new friends. And the old friends and I are becoming better friends. I'm learning that those who care don't leave you. No matter what. Porn actresses are just scary as hell. My family knows I love them. Sarah Palin's a retard. She'd never get elected.

Screw it. The logical part of me is telling me that this is the worst idea possible, but if this is what has to happens, then this is what happens. Long story short, about a month ago, I tried to kill myself due to a massive bout of depression caused by multiple factors. It ended with me losing one of my best friends and most of all, my livelihood. More recently, I wrote a massive blog and threatened to post it in a public arena in  order to make myself look like a massive douche bag so she'd finally hate me forever and get over it. Let me be clear. This is a horrible plan right now, but I'm trying not to obey my logic and got with my emotions on this. As I'm typing this, I'm on the verge of tears for no apparent reason other then a lot of remorse and guilt. She was an angel when I needed one. For the past four weeks, I've been trying to gain a sense of closure on the situation, but apparently my last plan wasn't the way to go about it. Suggestions are appreciated.