Kiwi-kid

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Tripod: Mary-Ann.

By Kiwi-kid 3 Comments

 
 
   
 Lyrics:


  Scod:  Now, this one... I was on my way here and I had a little idea for a love song. 
   You guys can just, you know, sing backup vocals. You know, watch me for the changes. 
Gatesy:  Oh. 
Yon :  Okay. 
Scod:  I got that from "Back to the Future". 
Gatesy:  So we just... what do we... 
Scod:  It's a kind of fifties doo-wop thing. 
Yon:  Okay. 
Gatesy:  Okay, so we... 
   (Scod starts playing) 
Yon and Gatesy:  (Entering in perfect harmony) Ooooh... 
Gatesy:  Awww! 
Scod:  That's good! 
Gatesy:  I'll tell ya, fuckin'... (makes telepathy-type noises). 
Yon:  Definitely a connection, isn't it? 
Gatesy:  There is something there, man! 
Yon:  So, I went... 
Yon and Gatesy:  Ooooh... 
Scod:  That's good, that's good. 
   It's one of those "Monday, Tuesday", "days of the week" type songs. 
Scod:  Met my baby on a Monday, 
   Dumped the body on a Tuesday... 
   Then I went to... 
Gatesy:  Stop... 
   A bit extreme, you think? 
Scod:  Too Christmassy? 
Gatesy:  No! 
   No, no, it's just you've left yourself nowhere to go in your little story there. 
Yon:  Yeah. 
Gatesy:  Yeah, you know, you've... what are you going to do on, like, Wednesday? 
Yon:  Yeah? 
Scod:  Thought I might go to the movies. 
Gatesy:  So it's not a song about love, it's a song about going to the movies. 
Scod:  Fine! Song about going to the movies. Fine. 
Gatesy:  Okay. 
Scod:  Went to the movies on a Wednesday, 
   Went to the movies on a Thursday, 
   Went to the movies on a Friday... 
Gatesy:  Stop! 
   Going to the movies a lot, aren't ya? 
Scod:  Well, I don't really have a girlfriend any more... 
Gatesy:  Oh, right. 
Yon:  I've got a good song that would finish the first half well. It's a sort of a ballady thing, it's another love one, so I think it'd really, you know... 
   Ahh, so, if you could just play something for me ballady... 
   (Scod starts playing) 
Yon:  Perfect, yep. And watch me for the changes. 
Scod:  I've been watching you for changes for ten years... 
   (Audience "awwww"s) 
Gatesy:  Oh, fuckin' shut up! 
   He's a little asshole. 
Yon:  Her name was Mary-Ann, 
   She made him feel like a man. 
   I'm not saying that he felt like a man. 
Yon:  He didn't want a man, he liked them as friends, but he didn't feel like a man in the same way that you'd feel like having an icy-pole, he didn't... umm... 
   Oh, it's all right, I know what to do. Can we just start from the top? 
Yon:  Her name was Nicole, 
   She made him feel like a hole. 
Scod:  Feel like a hole? 
Yon:  It has to rhyme with "Nicole". 
Scod:  Just use her actual name! We'll find a rhyme for it. 
Gatesy:  Yeah. What's her real name? 
Yon:  Magina - hit it! 
Gatesy:  Umm... I'll do... I've got one for Mary-Ann. 
Gatesy:  Her name was Mary-Ann, 
   (Yon does his telepathy trick then joins in) 
Yon and Gatesy:  She made him feel like a man. 
   But she didn't even know he existed, 
   But oh, whenever she walked past, 
   His heart would stop... 
Scod:  So he was dead before they even got started, 
   'Cause his heart had stopped when he caught sight of her. 
Gatesy:  No! 
Scod:  It was death at first sight, 
   They never made it one night... 
Gatesy:  Stop! 
Scod:  And the... 
Gatesy:  He didn't fucking die! All right? He didn't die. 
Scod:  He said his heart stopped! 
Gatesy:  Yeah, but... 
Scod:  What is he, the undead?! 
Gatesy:  No, no, he's not! 
Scod:  I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. 
Gatesy:  No, he's not undead. 
Scod:  Doomed to walk the Earth and be in a shit song? 
Gatesy:  That's my fucking life! Now you play the song. 
Gatesy:  Her name was Mary-Ann, 
   She had the body of a goddess and the face of an angel. 
   Every man's desire, 
   She set his world on fire... 
Scod:  So they were all dead before they even got started, 
   'Cause the world had burned up in an incendiary disaster. 
Gatesy:  Shut up! 
Scod:  Join in if you know the words! 
Scod:  Everybody-was-eliminated-in-a-horrible-miasma-of-fire-and-destruction, 
Gatesy:  Shut the fuck up! 
Scod:  The-smell-of-burnt-flesh-put-the-kibosh-on-romance... 
Gatesy:  Shut-the-fuck-up! 
Scod:  What? 
Gatesy:  Shut-the-fuck-up! 
Scod:  You said that... 
Gatesy:  Shut-the-fuck-up! 
Scod:  I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, you said the world had caught fire! 
Gatesy:  It's a metaphor! 
   I reckon my Mum could beat your Mum in a fight, you know that? 
Scod:  My Dad could beat your Mum in a fight. 
Gatesy:  You suck. And so does your Mum. 
Scod:  Hey, hey, hey! 
   Say what you like about my Mum... leave me out of it. 
Yon:  Umm... I reckon I can fix this song up, by the way... the Mary-Ann one? 
Gatesy:  (Laughing) You? 
Yon:  Yeah. Fuck off. 
   Yeah, it's a... it's a... just play, and I'll sing, and it'll be good. 
Yon:  Her name was Mary-Ann, 
   She was searching for a man. 
   Her silhouette was unmistakable, she stood out in a crowd, 
   She had a shapely... head, 
   And a long flowing... nose. 
Tripod:  She was hideous, 
   A walking disaster. 
   A craggy crone, 
   A picture of disgust. 
Yon and Gatesy:  She caught his eye... 
Scod:  And returned it promptly. 
Gatesy:  Fuck off! 
Scod:  He was glad that she could catch it, 
   But they couldn't re-attach it. 
   He was blinded for all time... 
   (Pause) 
Yon:  All right... 
Yon:  So they lived... 
Tripod:  ... happilyyyyyyy, 
Yon:  Because he couldn't... 
Tripod:  ... seeeeeee, 
Yon:  That she was so... 
Tripod:  .... uglyyyyyy! 
Yon:  I'm glad it wasn't me, 
   And they lived happily... 
Gatesy:  Thank you very much! 
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