Joy Reviewz -- Asian School Girls (2014)

Title:Asian School Girls
Studio:The Asylum
Starring:Minnie Scarlet, Sam Aotaki, Catherine Hyein Kim
Writer:Tim Culley
Director:Lawrence Silverstein

...Yeah.

What can I say. I'm weak.

When I saw this as a new release on Netflix, the title caught my eye for reasons that hopefully aren't too obvious. I saw right away that this was done by the infamous studio The Asylum, perhaps best known for Sharknado, but against all odds I remained optimistic – from what I could tell, this seemed to be the sort of movie Asylum actually does fairly well (that being “grounded, low effects raunchy comedies”).

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I was... right and wrong. Let's take a look at Asian School Girls.

I'm doing my best to judge this based on how it markets itself, what it wants to be, and what it actually is. These things are not as close to one another as you might think.

How Asian School Girls markets itself is as a fun, wacky, action-packed comedy starring hot girls in schoolgirl outfits.

What Asian School Girls wants to be is a badass rape-and-revenge drama in the vein of I Spit On Your Grave.

What Asian School Girls actually is is neither of those things, though it contains some elements of both. The plot centers on four (wait for it...) asian schoolgirls faking their ID's and heading to a party, where they are subsequently daterape drugged by a couple of decent-looking guys. This leads to the technical epicenter of any rape-and-revenge flick, which is... well, rape. However, unlike the way this is traditionally handled, the rape scene is short (not even ten minutes), non-gratuitous, and not even particularly brutal (nobody really gets hurt, and one of the guys is even forced into it and is fairly gentle).

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After that, the situation is handled awkwardly as all hell. The girls are just kind of let go, with the ability to place faces at locations, and that doesn't even take into consideration their attitude about what just happened – they all seem genuinely peeved, but through a flaw in either writing or acting the tragedy never really hits home, with one exception: The most “innocent” of the quartet, Susie, was not only deflowered in the event, but is chastised by her family for getting into the situation at all. Mild spoilers – she commits suicide in what is, considering its source, a pretty grisly and sudden scene.

This sets the three survivors, previously willing to let this whole thing fade away, on a mission to avenge themselves and their fallen comrade. They start seeking out the guys that drugged them and gathering weapons and training so that they can handle themselves... mostly.

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But first they get jobs at a strip club to make some extra cash, not to mention keep an eye on the place the guys last mentioned being.

Now, in the age of bait-and-switch flicks with little to no nudity, it's worth noting that Asian School Girls has plenty of it, which includes two of the protagonists. If this doesn't satisfy your desire for flesh, then what you're watching probably shouldn't be an actual movie. Hell, there's even a brief, if seemingly non-canon (it's never mentioned again in any capacity) girl-on-girl scene towards the end. I like to think they lived happily ever after together.

All in all, is this movie any good? Not really. The plot, while not... perfect... is cohesive enough, but the dialogue is lazy, and the acting is primarily awful (to clarify, the best performance is given by the stunning Minnie Scarlet, who's a porn star – admittedly, she actually pulls off being the smart one).

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So, yeah. It's a half-assed revenge flick, a passable skin flick, is only funny because of how bad it is, has mediocre-to-poor action scenes, and is mildly racist (though, to be perfectly honest, it pokes more fun at racism than it actually promotes it). Was it terrible? Nah. At no point did I have to scan the room for something to bash my own head in with, and if it wasn't at least watchable I probably would have stopped watching it. Not the best thing The Asylum has squeezed out, but far, far from the worst.

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