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Joy Castz -- Icewind Dale


Then my other brainythink-headparts went "Hey, that would actually be extremely sweet. I would have intercourse with that show. But who would they cast?"

This is who they should cast.

Note: This is not a complete cast. Some characters I don't necessarily care about.

Drizzt Do'Urden -- Pana Hema Taylor

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Yup, Agron's boyfriend from Spartacus.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Don't freak out. Think about it. As a Forgotten Realms elf, Drizzt has very specific features that we have to keep in mind -- narrow features, slim figure, short stature, soft hair, etc. This little guy has all of that stuff, and while his nose is a little bit funny I'm pretty sure you'd all be satisfied with how he looked once the studio finished his make-up.

But can he even act the part?: Probably. Drizzt is only so challenging a part, he's just a big blend of friendly, noble, and sometimes emo. Not too tough and we already saw Nasir do his part to be fierce, vulnerable, courageous, and wounded. He can also do action scenes, meaning that his training time will be minimized. And obviously Drizzt is gonna have to do some serious action scenes.

Artemis Entreri -- Stephen Amell

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Yup, Arrow.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Why not? Let's be honest here, this isn't crack-casting in the slightest. Amell looks uncannily like Entreri, and can do amazing action scenes.

But can he even act the part?: For his failings as Green Arrow (not being funny or upbeat enough), he's perfect as Entreri. His cold, dead eyes; his superficial, empty charm; his tortured demeanor. All of this is exactly what we need in an Enteri character. I'd love to see Amell wielding the jeweled dagger -- a lot more than with a bow and arrow.

Wulfgar, Son of Beornegar -- Alexander SkarsgÄrd

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Yup, the vampire dude from True Blood.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: While I hate to be redundant, why not? He's a tall, buff, blond viking, and while he's a little too old for the part makeup can age him pretty easily.

But can he even act the part?: Again, the part isn't that hard. Wulfgar has two points in his life -- boisterous warrior out to prove himself, and sulking, brooding, angsty jackass. Pretty sure this guy can do both of these things. The action scenes won't be anything amazingly hard since it's just swingin' a hammer around, too.

Catti-brie Battlehammer -- Rose Leslie

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Yup, the wildling chick from Game of Thrones.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Dammit, why do you keep asking that? This isn't out-of-the-box here. I'm firmly in the box. Who would you cast as a young, spunky redhead who is good with a bow and was literally raised by dwarves? This is a clear choice.

But can she even act the part?: ...Do you watch Game of Thrones?

Jarlaxle Baenre -- Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

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Yeah, I'm borrowing from GoT again. You know this guy.

WHY, JOY, WHY?: Okay, this one is a little trickier, as it's a natural challenge with casting fantasy races such as elves. Nikolaj (let's call him "Jaime Lannister" for short) has a slightly leaner body type and an angular face that seems healthy but experienced, which is what we need for Jarlaxle. Overall, though, what matters for this character is less action scenes, and more attitude. Which brings me to....

But can he even act the part?: I think he can. In Game of Thrones he is frequently talkative and cunning, confident to the end, and even a little playful. For those who have read the books, this is exactly what we need for the Jarlaxle character -- if he alters his character a bit (as an actor, I should hope he can), he'll be able to portray an excellent Jarlaxle.


And that's it! Before you say "what about Bruenor/Regis/Harkle/etc./etc./etc." the answer is "I don't care enough about those characters to cast them, I'll leave that to the casting directors who will never make this".