Sorry kids, but these are a few of the better/more entertaining blogs I've written over the past year on my devilish myspace site... Don't judge me, myspace is great for networking. So, enjoy them, writing is my life.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Another angry letter...

For those of you who don't know about Target Toss Pro: Bags Video Game, it is the devil. Here's a link: http://www.bmigaming.com/targettossprobags.htm

You know that game bags? Where you try and get the bags into the hole while you get drunk, well... there's now a video game.... And I'm mad.

Contact info:

Incredible Technologies, Inc.

3333 North Kennicott Avenue

Arlington Heights, IL 60004-1429

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

I was recently in a bar called, "Wabash Tap" in the south loop of Chicago. I met with some friends and enjoyed the afternoon. We had a few drinks and decided to let the video gaming process to begin! But, what do we play? The standard game of billiards? Darts? Maybe a rousing game of Golden Tee--? Maybe not. We spotted what we thought was the worst idea since the debut of Cavemen; Target Toss Pro: Bags. Really? A video game based on bags? Well, we all laughed and I popped in two of my hard earned American dollars just to see how bad it was. And this is where you think the story might take a 180 degree turn, but you'd be wrong. This is the most ridiculous, mind-numbing game I have ever played. Don't get me wrong, a game of real bags with some close friends and some cold beers is always fun, but this was blasphemy upon the bag god. You took what is essentially, the laziest sport known to man, and somehow found a way to in fact make the game lazier. No longer do you have to swing your arm back, lean forward with your body and toss; just move the trackball and let it fly. I know what you're going to say, "It's so simple, anyone can play it!" This is true, but it takes more than ease of play to make a great game nowadays. Pong was a lot of fun in the 70s, but that won't fly today, no sir or ma'am. The only type of person this game is good for is the socially awkward shut-in who left his/her house that one night to go to the bar and couldn't find anyone to play with.

Most larger bars I go to do indeed have the actual real bags game sitting in the back of the bar, and better yet, it's free. $1 for 20 tosses, or $0 for infinite tosses? The choice is simple. Now don't get me wrong, Golden Tee and your bowling game are phenomenal bar games, I personally think you're trying too hard with this one and fell flat. In other words, I spent $2 on something I'll never care to remember about again.

Cordially,

~Mat Elfring

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My angry letter to Sonic Drive-In

I will be sending this to the people at Sonic for pissing me off for the past few years.

Dear sir or madam,

For the past few years I've enjoyed your Sonic commercials. I've laughed at a few, maybe even passed it onto a friend, telling them of the hilarity I witnessed on my television. The commercials kept coming and coming and I thought to myself, "Hey, their food looks pretty good. Maybe I should visit." Well, I went to the Sonic website and used your store locator, and much to my surprise, 121 miles away. 121 miles?! That's roughly a two hour drive! I do not have the time nor patience to drive that far. I have no reason to go that far other than to eat possibly delicious food at a affordable price. Why would you advertise in an area that can't you profit from? Are you attempting to drive Chicagoans insane? Well if you are, mission accomplished. Everyone in Chicago craves your possibly delicious food like a heroin addict who hasn't shot up in weeks. You're torturing us, at it saddens me to the deepest cockles of my heart.Lets just get down to business, shall we? I'm graduating college in December and before I head off to graduate school, I'd like a favor. Maybe even more of a graduation present. I figure you people owe that much to me, after years of torturing me with your possibly delicious and potentially hilarious commercials. I would like, no... I demand you build a Sonic Drive-In in Kane County, Illinois. I'm moving back there in January and like I said, I don't have the time or patience to drive to the rural outskirts where the bovine population is quadruple the human population. Just build it, let me eat there until I am satisfied, and then sell the building off to someone else. Let them build another 7/11 or some other chain that I will drive by everyday and ignore.If you do not do this, I will be forced to ignore your existence. That's right, Sonic will be theoretically dead to me. Next time someone says, "Hey did you see that potentially hilarious Sonic commercial?" I'll say, "Sonic The Hedgehog?" and they'll say, "No, Sonic Drive-In, the restaurant." and I'll reply with something like, "There's no such thing! How dare you! We are no longer friends!"Look, your bad planning made me potentially lose a friend in a future that didn't have to exist. Does that make you feel good? I hope not.

Yours truly,

Mat Elfring

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The horrors of comic book customers..... Part 1

It's -20f outside, well with the windchill that is. Man, that is frigid.... It's also horridly windy out, yes! So when you walk into a store of any kind, except for Nextel, those people don't have souls, please close the door.

Such case was observed mere minutes ago at my Graham Cracker Comics when a woman or girl, more of a manchild or womanchild in this case entered my store. She fully opened the door and jumped in, the door was kept open by the wind, great.... I closed it. She comes up to me, handing me 3 trades of Star Wars Clone Wars Adventures, none of the volumes in order... In fact she purchased 1, 5 & 10. Beginning, Middle and End, nice. She tells me she wants to collect all of them in the way only a womanchild could, I smile and say, great, but you have 1, 5 & 10. She asks where the rest are, I blindly say, "We'll have more on Wednesday" desperatly trying to avoid a long conversation about how kick ass she thinks Star Wars is. She says ok and leaves.

This is one of those situations where I am not going out of my to help a customer... I failed to mention she was trying to flirt with me, yeah that makes this all the more creepier. Sometimes I wish I had a wedding ring on.

Keep in mind, 80-85% of our customer base kicks ass, they are cool and fun to be around.... But the rest of that pie, oh god, I shutter to think.... They are the worst or the worst. I'll keep you updated on ALL the horrid customers today.