@megajust:
Once upon a time a villain turned into a hero for the sake of a city she loved. She had almost died to protect that city and its people, to stop it from being torn up at the roots. The villain was known as the Raven; the hero she had tried to become, the Rose. But the hero had failed and the villain had been ripped apart like the city she had given so much for. What, then, was left?
Nothing.
Or at least, it felt like nothing. There was a gaping hole where my purpose and liveliness used to be. Sure, I'd been cold. I'd been a downright beach. I'd worn mask after mask and just never cared about anyone but myself. I'd never needed to, I was an individual. I knew who I was. Back then I was Jesse James, wanted criminal, Icefire Outlaw, with a collective bounty from my enemies worth five million dollars. I had been worth that much, and more, in my own mind. I had been somebody with a definite past and an uncertain future. What had happened to that girl, that free bird, that clever fox? A sparkle in her eye behind her sunglasses, power behind her large black wings, with either a cold, collected look or a wry smile on her youthful face? Yes, although I'd always seen it as beyond my years, it was still young. Now when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a tired businesswoman, like anyone else in the world. I was normal. It horrified me to think about it, but it was the truth.
I'd had two opportunities to just run away from it just a few weeks before. Spread my wings, fight like I used to, and I'd just let it go. First my old ally Night Warden had revealed that he was my father, something I should have expected but didn't, making me question my own perception. Then my padawan Ali Outsider had come to my door looking for a sparring match like old times. Back then, I'd told myself the old times were dead. I'd told myself that I didn't need my old life, that Astrid Everdeen didn't need Jesse James' past haunting her. That had been a mistake. By trying to let my past go, I'd basically asked it to come in uninvited at all hours of the day. It was a need for excitement. It was something that stocks and budgets and signatures never filled. While I couldn't complain about my life now, it had a void in it at the very heart. I had Erik, I had Hunter, and in fact I'd brought them here. They flanked me on either side just like old times, the shadow godling shading himself from the harsh sunlight, the gryphon keeping pace with us despite his long feline legs and muscular form. Just by coming here, I'd placed my very life at risk. And deep down inside, very deep, at the dark, icy, empty void in my core, I was counting on that. But the rest of me was here for a different reason. This was where I'd lost myself, this was where Jesse James had been brought to the brink of destruction. It was either here that the last scraps of my being would burn away, or where she would flare up again like a phoenix from the ashes.
I pushed the Spex glasses further up the bridge of my nose and adjusted the violet hood covering my long blonde hair. For now, the AI was deactivated, but could be turned back on with a thought. The shades hid my eyes, sure, but the sweatshirt covered a bulk underneath it. A powerful bulk, one of my signature weapons. The weight was simultaneously alien and familiar, and I smiled to myself as I held Erik's cool white hand in my own gloved one. The air was cool, I had a decent excuse for the identity-shielding outfit, though Erik's presence and the gryphon's were relatively clear giveaways. If they'd be clear enough, I didn't know. The way I saw it, this would go one of three ways. First, the almighty tyrant known as Pain would ignore me outright. Second, he'd obliterate me without a second thought. While these did have a decent weight to them, I had a feeling he'd want more than just death from me. I'd been the most significant thing standing in the way of this overglorified throne. Not the only obstacle, but the first. From what I had heard about him, he would want to squeeze every ounce of emotional and physical agony from someone like me before making the kill blow. I wasn't here on some overdramatic quest or a suicide mission, at least not on a basic level. Of course there was that part of me that was still buried here in the very roots of the city, the old soil that could never quite be eradicated, the part that was family to those still trapped here. But it wasn't a false sense of heroism that had drawn me here. Last time I'd been heroic I had lost everything. No, I was here now because I needed something like that, I needed a threat, I needed a challenge. Basically? I was here for an adrenaline high. Even if it never came to blows, even if Pain himself didn't appear, the proximity, the thrill, the suspense, would all contribute to my emotional state. Heck, if nothing happened today, I'd just come back next time I felt blue and do it all over again. Nobody I knew would ever approve, but part of this was to get back into my old mindset of never needing approval. The freedom and nonchalance, despite the stress of mere survival. That was what I wanted out of today. Even if it killed me.
Log in to comment