February 13

A Story For a Dirty Blonde

He sat at the bar enjoying an iced tea, tolerating the karaoke, and writing some thoughts in a spiral notebook. There was only one seat between his and those of the two beautiful women who had come in together, obviously planning to enjoy the night. The one closest to him, a blonde running towards brunette, made eye contact, and pointing at his notebook said, “You’re writing me a love story, right?”

“Absolutely,” he answered cheerfully.

Tuning in on the conversation her friend, a busty redhead, squinted and squealed, “Look at how small his writing iiiisss!”

“That’s so nobody can copy off of him, like in school,” teased the blonde, and both girls laughed.

“That’s right,” he confirmed with a smile. “If I’m going to write you a love story, I don’t want anyone to steal it.”

The dirty blonde got the joke and rocked back on her bar stool laughing. The redhead crooned, “Aww, that is the sweetest thing everrr!”

The blonde looked at her friend strangely, then looked at him. He leaned towards her conspiratorially with a playful grimace, and confided, “She hasn’t read the story yet.” She laughed again.

A few songs went by, the dirty blonde and the redhead sang, “I Love Rock ‘N Roll,” and they stepped outside for a smoke. When they returned to the bar, the blonde, seeing that he was still writing, said, “Geez! You got that much to tell me?”

“Oh yeah!” he declared. “I figured I could leave it to your imagination, or I could tell you what was going to happen next.” She raised an eyebrow, and he smirked at his mock bravado.

The night continued, and he kept writing. The blonde and her friend flirted with other guys in fun, drank some more, and sang some more songs. They paid their tab as he finished writing, looked up at each other, and then…

"And then?" asked Marion Yu, looking up from the notebook she had leaned against the steering wheel.

"And then Mary," said Rick O'Shea, her partner who was eating fries in the passenger seat, "the dirty blonde ditched her friend to either go home, or leave with someone else. The redhead, whom a waitress had called Gina, wound up leaving alone, as did he an hour or so later. She was nice, but not for me,” he said with a semi-disappointed look as he poked a fry into a pile of ketchup.

"Man! We are never going to get you--"

She was interrupted by a radio squelch followed by, "Unit Seven Eight Five, please respond to a homicide at the offices of Holiday, Incorporated."

"Seven Eight Five responding forthwith," Rick said into the radio mic.

"Holiday?" said Yu as she set the notebook aside and started the car.

"Please tell me they haven't 'killed' Frosty again," complained Rick as he sat up straighter. "Hey, Chihuahua!" he called out the window. "You want these fries? We gotta go!"

A lanky, nervous looking man in tattered clothes trotted over from where he'd been hovering near a phone booth, and took the fries eagerly. "Heyyy, thanks, O'Shea! These look great!"

"No problem," said Rick as Mary put the car in gear. "Here, take the burger and coffee too. Make sure you find someplace warm tonight," he called as the car started off. "It's supposed to be a cold one!"

"Will do, detective!" called Chihuahua, raising the little carton of fries in salute.

"Aw," teased Mary as she flipped on the siren, "see? You're such a nice guy. I'd almost sleep with you."

"I'd almost let you," Rick teased back.

Making a mock kissy face as they turned a corner, she said, "Well it's mine and the dirty blonde's loss!"

The siren blared as the car roared down the street.

Lobby of Holiday, Inc.

As the detectives entered through the revolving doors, Rick waved to the security desk a few yards away, and said, "Hey, Nat. You called in a murder?"

"Well, yeah," said Nat. The "Watchman" nameplate on his shirt gleamed in the overhead lights. "Pretty sure the guy didn't do himself in."

"Pretty sure?" asked Yu.

"Well, it is arrows," he said with a pained look.

"'Arrows,'" Rick repeated. "You don't mean Cupid?"

"See for yourself," Nat said shaking his head. Tapping some keys on the computer to recall an elevator car, he added, "Sixty-ninth floor. Uniforms are already waiting upstairs with security."

"Okay," said O'Shea as they followed the ding of an opening elevator. "Thanks, Nat."

"You bet," he called as the elevator doors slid together.

Sixty-Ninth Floor

Security was waiting at the elevator, and pointed them towards a conference room at the end of the hall. They avoided a few hardboiled eggs with colorful designs on the shells along the way- one squashed and broken, the others cracked but mostly intact. An officer waited at the door who pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. The detectives walked in and surveyed the body on the conference table as CSI took pictures.

"Aw, mannn!" griped O'Shea, "It is Cupid! That sucks!"

"I know," said Mary. "How will you ever get a date now?"

Looking to the CSI tech, Rick said, "Whatcha got, Dot?"

Dorothy Matrix looked up from her camera, then raised a chin towards the body. "Pretty much what you see- arrows to the head and heart."

"What about the one in his hand?" asked Mary. "He pulled one out before he died?"

"No," said Dot, looking at her pointedly. "He caught it."

"'Caught it?'" Rick repeated incredulously. "He probably put a hand up defensively and took the shot, you mean?"

"No, I mean he caught it. The arrow barely pierced the palm of his hand, which means something had to have stopped it. That would be the grip of the fingers he caught it with. The little man was a badass," she said with a mixture of admiration and sympathy for the victim. "He put up a fight."

"But he lost," said O'Shea. "Who beats Cupid with an arrow?"

"The Sparrooow," Dot said as she bent down to snap more pictures.

"Say again," said Mary.

Dot stood up straight and repeated, "The Sparrow." Pointing to the wall, she said, "Another arrow pinning that note over there."

Mary walked over to the wall and ducked her head to one side to read the words scrawled under the arrow.

It was I.

-The Sparrow

"Really?" she asked. "Signed his work? Just like that?"

"Her work," came a voice from behind them. The detectives turned to see a man with dark, wavy hair, and boy band good looks. He was wearing a red and white costume, had a string of colorful beads around his neck, and was holding an arrow with no tip in his hand. "I handed my bow and quiver to security when I got off the elevator," he said, extending the arrow out to Detective Yu which she took.

"Great," said O'Shea. "Another Cupid. You got an alibi, superhero?"

Cupid scowled only slightly. "I was celebrating with Mardi Gras when I got the call. I'm his, um, emergency contact," he said, looking at the body.

"It's a little late for Mardi Gras, isn't it?" asked Yu.

"I wasn't celebrating Mardi Gras," corrected Cupid. "I was celebrating with Mardi Gras. She's gorgeous- great... you know," he said, cupping his hands in front of him. "Loves beads," he added, pulling at his necklace with his thumb.

"Why do people love you?" Yu said with disgust.

Dot stepped up beside Mary and took a picture of the superhero, which he smiled for. Without taking her eyes off him, she spoke to Mary from the side of her mouth, "Are you looking at him? Come on." She cleared her throat briefly, but didn't hide her smile as she tapped her camera. "Well, I have what I need. I'll be going now," she said with a slight wave to the detectives. "Rowr," she said low as she passed Cupid.

He smiled after her, then looked back to Detective Yu. "It's kinda my thing," he said with an amiable grin. When Mary didn't smile back, he added, "That's why I brought you one of my arrows. The fletching is different."

Rick pursed his lips as he looked at the arrow in his partner's hand. "You said 'her work.' You know The Sparrow?"

"I... uh... trained her," the superhero confessed sheepishly.

Mary rolled her eyes. "Greaaat. Did you love her too?"

"Yes, I did," he said with a sad smile, "but not like that."

"Then what was it like?" asked O'Shea.

Cupid furrowed his brow as he looked at the floor. "I... cared for her."

"Does she have a name besides 'The Sparrow?'" prodded Mary.

"May. May Coch." He searched the floor for a moment longer before looking towards the body on the table. "I'm a friend of the family- we go way back. After her mother's death, her father, Robin, became a falling down drunk, and abusive in every way possible. I took her in. She was understandably angry, and she needed an outlet. So I taught her archery. She practiced obsessively; became really good. She also became attached to me."

"And this was a problem for you?" Mary asked with disbelief.

Cupid looked at her without his characteristic smile, and said, "She was a friend, as was everyone in her family. I'm a god, a superhero,and a celebrity. Real friends don't come easy. So when she started to show interest, I discouraged it."

"You discouraged it," Yu said doubtfully. "Female attention? From a woman that you had living with you?"

"Have I done something to you, detective?" Cupid asked with slight anger in his voice. Then taunting, he added, "Or not done something to you?"

Mary stepped forward, but Rick put a hand up in front of her to stop her. "You are a son of a bitch," O'Shea said.

"Hm," Cupid intoned derisively. "Don't let Venus hear you say that. Or Mars." Then with a shrug and a glance at the ceiling, he said, "OrVulcan." Looking back to Yu, he stared unflinchingly as he said, "As I said, I'm a god; immortal; human lives are a brief whisper to me. If I can bring pleasure to some of those lives, why should I not? Erotic love and pleasure are what I'm known for best. And I'm good at it," he said with a pointed nod. Mary glared. "Don't hate," he added, blowing her a kiss.

Mary shook with rage, and breathed hard and long through her nose. Finally shoving her partner's hand from in front of her, she took a step closer and said, "You didn't answer my question."

"Yes!" shouted the god, making both detectives flinch. "I discouraged it. What do you think I am? She's only a teenager! I even sent her to live with Diana who trained her further."

"Diana... Artemis?!" Yu shot back. "The huntress? You sent a pissed off teenager to be trained by the goddess of the hunt?"

"I sent a friend to stay with family!" Cupid said angrily. Taking a deep breath, he took a step back and said, "But it did turn out to be a bad idea. She learned from Diana as well as she had learned from me. Then one night she stole off silently with her weapons, and..." he trailed off momentarily.

"And..." prodded Rick.

"And she killed her father," he said at a loss. The detectives were silent. "I've been looking for her ever since. I... I do feel responsible."

"How 'bout Diana?" asked Yu. "She looking for her too?"

"No," Cupid said sternly. "I told her I would find May. Diana doesn't play."

"And you do?" taunted Mary.

"I am more restrained. I won't kill her," answered Cupid. "Not if I can avoid it, which is my goal."

"'Not if you can avoid it,'" repeated Rick. Looking back at the body on the table, he glanced at his partner and asked, "Why Cupid?" Turning to the god, he said, "She's hunting you."

The god said nothing.

"Oh, my... of course," said Mary, the anger gone from her voice. "Male authority figure in her life. She showed you love. You rejected her... sent her away... She hates you as much as her father."

Cupid closed his eyes and chewed on his lip as he turned his head away, holding back his pain.

"So this," Rick said pointing behind him. "She's just calling you out?"

The hero nodded. "Eros is family too. She's angry with everyone. Once she felt spurned by me, she wanted to know why God didn't intervene between her father and herself... and why the gods didn't intervene, since we knew them."

"Why didn't you?" asked Yu.

"I did. I took her in. What should I have done? Struck her father down? The gods are forbidden from that kind of interference now. She had to make her own decision- anger, forgiveness, or just moving on."

"So door number one, huh," said Mary.

"Apparently," confirmed Cupid.

"Why 'The Sparrow' then?" asked Rick.

Cupid's shoulders sank a little as he answered, "It's what I used to call her when she stayed with me- 'my sparrow, with her little bow and arrow.'"

"You quoted Mother Goose to a teenager?" asked Mary.

Recovering his charming smile, Cupid put a hand to his chest as if covering a mock wound. "My dear, who do you think Mother Goose got it from?" he asked with a wink.

With no humor, Mary shook her head and said, "You really are impossible."

Rick walked over to a telephone near the door, pushed the speaker button and hit a speed dial button. It rang once before they heard, "Security."

"Nat, it's Rick. How long has security had the building locked down?"

"Ever since the body was found. Bunny really freaked out."

"'Bunny?'" asked Mary. "The eggs! The Easter Bunny found Cupid?"

"Esther Bunny, actually," said Nat, "but yeah, she found him. She bolted straight back to her hole in the Easter department and called us. Security has been with her ever since. Poor thing's been shaking like a leaf."

"How long was that after the murder?" asked Rick.

"We're not sure," admitted Nat. "Cupid had been working on last minute Valentine's requests for tomorrow. He was swamped and didn't want to be disturbed. Esther was taking him some eggs- wanted to make sure he ate. That's when she found him. We locked down as soon as she called. Security has swept the building a few times, but we didn't find anything that you haven't already seen. We don't know how she got in or out."

"You wouldn't," said Cupid. "She learned my sister's lessons well."

"Yeah, she's a great student," Mary said sarcastically. "You should really be proud."

"Look," said Nat over the speaker, "Dot mentioned that our shooter was a woman as she was leaving. So I've had the boys going over the security footage, looking for any unknown female visitors that have entered the building today. They've found about twenty. I'm forwarding screenshots to your phone now, Rick."

O'Shea's phone dinged just then, and glancing at it, he said, "Okay, got 'em, Nat. Thanks."

"No problem," said Watchman. "Let me know if you need anything else.

"Will do," said Rick before disconnecting. Tapping his phone to unlock the pictures, Mary and Cupid stepped up to either side to look at the pictures with him. Rick pointed at a TV on the wall and said, "Turn that on, will ya?"

"Wh-- Ah, wi-fi capable. Good call," said Yu, hitting the power button.

Rick sent the pictures to the TV, and scrolled them using his phone like a remote. They scrolled through several without saying a word. A few were obviously too overweight or too old, but Rick stopped on one. Cupid shook his head, and Rick moved on. He went by a few pictures and stopped again, but Cupid shook his head again. He went by two more, and then stopped.

Cupid spoke up, "That's her." She was dressed as a delivery woman, carrying a package on a hand truck. Undoubtedly her weapons in disguise.

Mary looked shocked. "Wow. She's gorgeous. She'd pass for twenty-five, easy."

Rick looked equally as shocked. "Yeah... are you sure she's just a teenager?" he asked Cupid.

"I've known May her whole life," answered the god.

"Rick?" asked Mary. "You're looking a little green, partner. You okay?"

Rick shook his head slowly. "No... no, I don't think I am. That's... that's the dirty blonde."

Time Share: The Time Phantom Interview

Cameras aren't usually allowed at these meetings, so we've obscured the faces of those in attendance. An old man in a sky blue costume with a white skull emblazoned on the chest approaches the podium. The brown leather boots, briefs, and gun belt finish the costume, complete with the sidearm, which doesn't seem to make anyone uncomfortable.

He seems to steady himself by holding onto the podium, and looks at the group only a moment before saying, "Hi. My name is John Phantom, and I'm an addict."

"Hi, John," responds the group of about twenty people.

"I've been clean for thirty five years, four months, and..." he stops to figure. "And nineteen days." The group applauds his accomplishment. "This past week has been an especially bad one." His head drops mournfully, followed by his eyes closing, and his lips drawing in as he remembers his pain. "My wife came back from the dead," he says to audible gasps from the group. "Sort of," he adds as he looks at the ceiling.

***

The scene switches to a private room where the old man sits at a table, still in costume, and smoking a cigarette. "No, my real name's not 'John Phantom.' Don't be ridiculous! My sponsor said that attending as 'Time Phantom' was 'hiding from who I was,' but I couldn't reveal my real name due to my enemies. Plus the group kind of felt silly saying, 'Hi, Time Phantom,' every time I spoke. So 'John Phantom' was the compromise. My identity is protected, and they get to not feel silly." The old hero shrugs. "What the hell? We all did some stupid, embarrassing sh[eep]t while we were using. What's 'John Phantom' between anonymous friends?" he chuckles ruefully. Then he takes a long drag on his cigarette, savors it, and blows it out through his nostrils while still looking at the interviewer off camera. "You know I hardly even touch these things anymore either?" he asks, then looks at the cigarette. "But like I said, it's been a bad week."

***

The camera switches back to the meeting where "John's" story continues. "I became the Time Phantom when I was eighteen. It's a legacy that goes back a little over two thousand years. 'The Ghost Who Walks Through Time' they call me, and it came with a long list of enemies trying to kill me... or kill me 'again,' in some cases. The 'immortal hero' story was easier to keep going before cameras and video." The group laughs lightly, and John smiles with them. "At any rate, I am one in a very long line of Time Phantoms, but all those crazy bast[eep]s wanting me dead just for continuing a costumed tradition? It was a lot for a stupid teenager like me. That... and the flying," he says with a shrug and an eyeroll.

"Who'd believe it, right? A hero that can fly, but is afraid of heights." The group laughed again. "Sure, the time travel, the other powers, the fame... and the girls," he says, pursing his lips at what is clearly a fond memory. "All of that was nice," he says with a nod, "but man, I hated flying. So whenever I could avoid it, I did. That's why I had the car," he says with a little gusto. Then his eyes go haunted as he looks at nothing in particular in the room, and a somewhat weakly, he says, "That damned stupid car."

***

Back in the private room, the hero is still smoking. He says, "Oh, I loved that car.... then. If it hadn't been for that car, I might have never met her," he says with an endearing smile. Then his eyes go just as haunted as in the meeting, he takes a quick puff on the cigarette, and quietly adds, "Maybe that would have been for the best."

***

At the podium, John says, "Rollergirl was amazing. Pure beauty from her dyed blonde hair to the wheels on her skates. From that first time I caught her when she she was knocked off her feet by The Hitman, I knew that I had to be with her. She wasn't as impressed with me, but luckily, I had the car. She loved muscle cars- that's how she got around when she wasn't on skates- and my car had more muscle than any other out there."

Life showed back in his eyes as he described it. "Motoronium engine with nitrosium fuel cells. Flight and submersible capabilities. A loud, guttural roar when I put my foot in the gas. Badass chain guns that folded out of the sides when I needed the firepower. And a sweet, cherry paint job." He smiled a little as he remembered it. "We went on many a date in that car, and even raced each other when we had the time. We married eventually, and it wasn't long before our angel was on her way. We named her Clementine, just like her mom." Pride shown on his face, and there was a little twinkle in his eye that may have been a tear.

***

At the table, the tears were more obvious. He said nothing, staring at the wall as he recalled his losses.

***

"Rollergirl retired when she had our little girl, and I was all for it, but I kept in the fight. Twenty-one years old, trying to balance saving the world, being married with a kid, not liking to fly, and supervillains trying to kill me. So I started using to calm my nerves- took my first hit from some pills I took off a dealer I busted. I figured I was super strong and invulnerable- it wouldn't bother me, right? I just needed to take the edge off." He shakes his head ruefully at the thought.

"It was okay for awhile. Like any addict, I learned to hide it, and lie about it... for awhile. Of course it got out of hand though. That picture of me and The Three Kings that you see everywhere? I was flying way higher than any of us in that picture that day. Almost took out the chase plane in my stupor. That's why I'm so close in the shot, and why none of the pictures I took with the telephoto lens I was holding were very good."

***

Sitting in the chair, lighting a new cigarette with the old one, Time Phantom takes a puff to get it going and then laughs. "Yeah, one of the greatest moments in my life, flying with my idols and those beautiful planes of theirs, and I did it through a drugged out haze. What a freakin' idiot," he says with a dismissive wave.

***

The room is silent, listening intently to John at the podium. "This went on for a couple of years. I remember Bump In The Night yelling at me that I was 'out of control' at one point. You'd think that when of my villains is telling me that, I would get a clue, but no. I beat him senseless and kept right on with what I was doing."

He took a deep breath and a swallow of water, and continues, "Towards the end, a news crew caught me on film trying to hide a stash of pills in my shorts at a drug raid," he said, snapping the waistband of his shorts with his thumb. "I'm sure you've all seen that at some point. The cops didn't know what to do- they couldn't hold me. One of them spoke up though, and I blew him off and flew away.All of that was on film of course, and Clementine was not happy when I got home. I'd rather go toe-to-toe with Viceroy Volcano than my angry wife," he said, getting a chuckle from the group.

"We had a big blowout argument that ended with me at a press conference, issuing a public apology, and entering rehab for the first time. That didn't do much. A detoxing superhero that can bench press loaded semis and toss people across town doesn't inspire a rehab staff to try to corral you when you want to go off the rails. They couldn't anyway. I'd time travel at night, going back to a point where I'd busted some dealer, lift his stash again, and come back to my room higher than the national debt. No telling how many divergent timelines I caused with those trips.

"They finally 'passed' me, rubber stamping me out of their hair and making me someone else's problem." He drinks some more water, and pauses.

"I didn't want to deal with Clem' again, but I didn't want to lose her either, so I got a lot better at hiding it. When I couldn't, I'd call her and tell her I was going on a mission in space with Jumping Jupiter, or that I had to chase Wartime across centuries, or that I was in China with Red Panda." A few whistles went up at the mention of the Chinese heroine. "Yeah, not one of the better things I could have told my wife," he admitted, which was followed by more laughter from the group. "But I'd tell her whatever, just so I could get away and get high. Most of the time, I was parked across town in a vacant lot near the docks, passed out in my car with more pills in my system than a pharmacy. Probably would have been asleep with needles in my arm if they could penetrate my skin. Don't think I didn't try."

***

In the private interview, Time Phantom laughed guiltily. "Yeah, I tried it once. When it didn't work, I went and demanded my money back from the dealer, and whatever he had in pills or blow. He gave it up without a fight. I think he was scared I was going to rip him in half. My drugged out ass at the time- he's probably lucky I didn't."

***

"When I was in my better moments," said John, making eye contact with the group, "I was fighting crime and taking down villains. Maybe a little rougher than necessary; I wasn't at my best.

"I had a CB in the car with a guarded frequency, and Clementine would call me on it with the typical housewife stuff." Going a little softer and high pitched to imitate his wife, he said, "'Don't forget to pick up the dry cleaning.' Or 'Can you pick up some milk on your way home?' Or 'Don't forget the mayor is giving you the key to the city at two.' That kind of stuff," he said with a vague backhanded swat at the air.

"We had this thing on busy days like that. She'd ask me to pick something up from the store, and then take our daughter to the playground next to the store. I'd get glimpses of them as I went in and out, they'd see me briefly before I got home, and of course little Clementine got to play. She knew my secret, and liked to see me in my costume whenever she could. Two birds with one stone, you know?"

***

In his chair, Time Phantom swallowed hard and turned his head from the camera- wiping his eyes with his fingers.

***

"It was one of those days. I had to fight some freakishly preserved Nazi fused with his plane- The Luftwaffan, or The Blitzkrieger, or something- who thought he was fighting the same Time Phantom from World War II. Of course he wants to dogfight, so I had to fly. The height was terrifying. The fight was brutal. Between moments, I went back in time and got high as crud, and came back. I only meant to take the edge off, but I overdid it. By the time we were done, I was exhausted and coming down, but still pretty torn up.

"So of course Rollergirl calls me on the CB, and has a list for the grocery store. I was too tired to argue, and figured I could use the time to straighten my head out before I got home. We had taught our daughter not to acknowledge me when she saw me in costume, but my head still wasn't clear when I came out with the two bags in my arms. I grinned my big dumb daddy grin, and called out, 'Hey, pumpkin!' That was all it took for her- she hollered 'Daddy!' and came running across the parking lot. Clementine came running after her, trying to catch her before anyone realized who she was running to." John pauses, chest heaving with the thoughts.

"I was--" he falters, then sobs. "I was so messed up from the pills and blow that I had done during the fight, that this break from our protocol rattled me. One of the sacks slipped from my arms, breaking the eggs, and spilling the containers of milk and ice cream from the bag. I dropped my keys trying to catch it, and the keyfob hit the pavement, causing the chain gun to--" He sobbed again, then bent over the podium shuddering as he cried openly. "It unfolded from the side of the car," he said a bit muffled from not speaking directly into the mic.

He stood up suddenly, trying to regain his composure, and cracked the edge of the podium in his grip. The shock from the surprise of it jolted him from his tears. He was speechless for a few moments as he looked at the broken podium, then looked back at the group. He stood up straight, took a few deep breaths, and then said, "I bent over with the other bag still in my arm, and picked up my keys." He looked at his right hand as if his keys were still there, between his forefinger and thumb. "I reached for the ice cream, and my thumb...mashed the button for the chain gun." A couple of short cries went up from the group.

***

In the room, Time Phantom was doubled over against his legs, face buried in his hands. Breathy sobs were all that broke the silence.

***

"They were cut down in an instant." The room was silent. John rolled his lips between his teeth as he thought of what happened next.

"I lost it. I went back and tried to save them. Over, and over, and over again. I created so many divergent timelines trying to keep them from dying; I screwed up history so bad; that Wartime- frickin' Wartime- had to get a group of heroes together and chase me through time to stop me and fix history. And they did. Which meant that I didn't get to save Rollergirl and my daughter," he said with a hollow stare towards the back of the room.

"With Wartime's help, they held me in one time, and I went to rehab for real. I've been clean ever since, and have dedicated what's left of my life to honoring the memory of my wife and daughter- being the hero I should have been all along." There was brief applause for that, but John waved it down.

"This past Sunday was the anniversary of their deaths, and like always, I traveled back in time to see them. I always go to a time when they're at the playground, so I can see them from afar without them seeing me." He swallowed hard as he remembered them.

"Only this time, something happened. Something interfered. And rather than going to another time, I went to another universe. Maybe one of those I created when I screwed up history- I don't know- maybe Wartime didn't fix everything. But what did I see? A younger, dumber version of me, making all the same mistakes." John shook his head sadly.

"And then I saw her, but not quite her- her hair wasn't dyed, and her muscle car was a different color, doing a wheelie as it flew by on the street. I helped my younger self fight Volcanono- an altered version of Viceroy Volcano- and then we went back to his house to discuss how this happened."

John shrugged kind of helplessly, and said, "I'm old. I needed to go to the bathroom, so I asked if I could use theirs. Younger me, who called himself Sky Phantom- apparently he had no problem with flying- pointed down the hall and stumbled off to the kitchen. I went down the hall, and went into the wrong room." He took a deep breath, and said, "And there she was. Her back to me. Black hair instead of blonde. And naked. My breath caught and I gasped, 'Clementine!' She looked over her shoulder at me, and I was sostunned- so shocked by her being back- being so close to me- that it threw me back across the universal divide. Back home."

***

Time Phantom looked at the interviewer off camera, and just raised his eyebrows, acknowledging the outlandishness of it all with a look.

***

"I have never wanted to get high more than that moment," said John. "So I have been at meetings every day since, just talking my head off like this. I want to go back and see her. I want to help Sky Phantom to not go down the path that I have. But mostly, I reallywant to get high. So for now, I'm here." His eyes searched the cracked podium for a few moments, and the room was silent. "I'm here," he said again, and then, "Thank you."

The group applauded.

***

"I'm here," he said to the interviewer. "That's all I've got right now." He took a drag on his cigarette, and nodded. "I'm here."

Ringo Saturn and The Vault of the Heavens

Io Jupiter is the galactic equivalent of a grave robber. The only catch is that she has no problem creating the graves herself if it gets her what she wants. Me? I guess you could say that I'm a grave robber too- I prefer treasure hunter- but I like to go about it naturally rather than lethally.

My name is Ringo Saturn, and right now, Io and I are on the trail of the same treasure: The Vault of the Heavens. In all of the galaxy, there's nothing like it. The legends about it are many, but there's one saying about it that persists from solar system to solar system; planet to planet:

• It holds doom for he who tries to take it for himself.
• It holds wealth beyond measure for he who would allow himself to be last.
• It holds hope for all that live, for generation upon generation.

I haven't really worked out the meaning yet, but whenever something like that survives time, it bears paying attention to.

At the moment, I don't really have time to dwell on it. Io sent her mercenaries after me, and they came in with blasters blazing. I've been stuck on this dustbowl of a moon for a day-and-a-half now, holed up in a derelict asteroid miner's cabin while the mercs make Swiss cheese out of the entire structure. Fortunately for me, whatever prospector built this place decided to tunnel his mine from his kitchen floor. So when I jumped under the table for cover, I fell into a deep, dark hole, clear of the blaster fire, but still in reach of the coffee, thanks to my ring.

Oh yeah, the ring! It belonged to a former Radio Cowboy. Maybe the first- I haven't made time to figure it out yet. It works in conjunction with a badge and gun, all of which the cowboy was buried with. It's been one of the best finds I've ever made- saved my hide a few times already. It has a pretty decent AI incorporated into it, but it's mostly informational. Meaning it's not exactly like having a friend on a road trip, but it will tell me all sorts of things if I ask.

The badge is shaped like a five pointed star- some connection to ancient law enforcement on a planet in another solar system that we supposedly all came from. I don't know if I believe in that or not. I haven't found any evidence to refute it, but I haven't found any to support it either. Either way, the ring generates an energy field that absorbs solar radiation to stay powered. The badge draws a charge from the ring, and generates a force field around the wearer, even keeping in an atmosphere in space. I made it into my belt buckle. I haven't wanted to test the limits of that so I use a spaceship whenever possible- The Starbolt, aka The Saturn Starbolt.

The gun is just a gun, except that the ring can be focused through it when necessary. Among other things, the ring can generate energy blasts, but it takes concentration that someone in a firefight can't always generate. So at those times, I can use the gun. It draws a charge from the ring too, but if I hold the gun in my ring hand so that the ring is on the grip, it's basically unlimited ammo. At that point, it's just point and shoot. Kind of scary to say about a gun, but good to have when you need it. It's designed to work with the ring so that if the Radio Cowboy is ever disarmed, the gun won't work for anyone else for very long. With the right command to the ring's AI, it can be shut down altogether.

As I said though, it's powered by solar radiation. Right now, I'm on the dark side of the moon, I've been firing back from the mineshaft all night, and the charge is getting low. It's when a merc's blast shatters the coffemaker that I get an idea. "Ring! Your charge is sustained with solar energy, correct?"

"Affirmative," the ring answers.

"Is it strictly solar energy, or can you charge on other fuels?"

"The ring was designed for solar absorption based on that being the most likely source of energy in space. However, any energy source can be converted to power the ring."

"Yes!" I cheer. "Ring, form a field around the mining cabin!"

"This will strain the ring reserves to dangerous levels. Badge field may be compromised."

"Form the field around the cabin!" I shout back. "Absorb the blaster fire!"

"Complying." An energy beam lances out of the mineshaft, and envelopes the cabin. The blaster fire intensifies, and after a few minutes, the ring simply says, "Fully charged."

I kiss the ring, and say, "Get us to The Starbolt!"

"Complying." Suddenly I'm flying out of the shaft, the energy field knocking the table aside, and then punching a hole in the roof. I fire at the mercs as the ring flies me back to the ship, and their blasters continue to charge the ring. We're soon out of their range.

"Wahhhhoo!" I shout. "I could get used to this!" We fly straight into the boarding bay of The Starbolt, the hatch closes behind us, and I am soon in the cockpit and firing it up. We're in orbit in no time.

"Okay ring, time to find Io Jupiter," I mutter.

"Location of Io Jupiter unknown."

"We've really got to work on your language interpretation. You are way too literal."

"Interpretation function fully operational."

"Case in point," I mutter again.

Io Jupiter, here I come.

Family Affair (Try to Keep It Straight)

El Dorado- home of The Color Guard

Silver Streak whooshed into a kitchen and back, distributing beers to all nine players around the table, and popping the top off of one for himself.

"It's really a great honor to have you for our poker night, sir," said a blushing Golden Girl.

Her boyfriend, Golden Lad, nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you've got to be the greatest hero of World War Two!" he declared with a slight British accent.

"Oh, I didn't do that much for the war. Really," insisted the aging superhero.

"Are you kidding me?" balked Golden Arrow. "The Allies might have lost if it weren't for Super-American, sir!"

Super-American smiled slightly, taking off his winged helmet, and revealing a full head of white hair. "No, son, that's not true at all," he said as he pulled slightly on one of the cards in his hands, then pushed it back into row with the others. "The Allies' win was ancient knowledge to us. The only reason I came from the future was to inspire them to do what they were meant to. I merely gave hope at a bleak time. To be truthful, I tried to make my contributions as minimal as possible so as not to alter history. Sure, I threw a Panzer or downed a Zero here and there, but nothing the historical records didn't note as defeated anyway. I'm just glad to have helped."

"How much did you alter history when you helped make him," purred the violet-haired woman with the cat-like eyes.

"Tigress!" blustered Amazing Man as he traded two cards to White Panther, who was the dealer.

"Ha!" laughed Super-American. "Actually, I'm afraid my boy here is the reason I can't go back to the future. Saving his mother changed quite a bit as it turned out. The Purple Plague didn't kill her, so the Golden Knight didn't kill him. So Golden Knight didn't go to--"

The hero's story was interrupted by loud gasps from Tigress and Golden Girl, and Golden Arrow choking on his beer. The others at the table stared in stunned silence. Finally, a horrified Tigress exchanged glances with Amazing Man, trying to get words out, but failing. Then she stared at his father for long moments before saying, "Did... did you say 'The Purple Plague,' sir?" She was almost crying as she said it.

"Well...yes," said American, a look of concern on his face as he put his cards face down on the table. "Whatever's the matter, young lady?"

Her lip quivered slightly, but with her voice shaking, she managed, "The P-Purple Pl-Plague is m-my f-father."

"Your father was a villain?" asked Super-American in surprise.

"Dad!" barked Amazing Man.

Tears welling up in her eyes, begging for it not to be so, she pleaded, "H-he killed your wife?" Turning to Amazing Man, she was nearly frantic. "Your mother?!"

"And Golden Knight killed her father?" asked Golden Girl. "My father did that?"

"Our father," corrected Golden Arrow.

"So you two are siblings," said Super-American with a nod. "And you, Golden Lad? Another brother?"

"Oh, no sir, I'm the boyfriend," he said, his British accent becoming more pronounced. "I got my powers from Golden Girl when she saved me from The Green Dragon, back when he fought The Black Dragon over London. I helped in the fight, and we've been together ever since." He smiled at Golden Girl, but it faded quickly when he saw the concern still on her face.

"I see," said Super-American. "So The Color Guard is a family affair then?"

"With the emphasis on 'affair,' I'm afraid," said a raven-haired looker.

"Sis, come on," said White Panther.

Super-American laughed. "And 'sis,' is it? Whose children are you?"

White Panther smiled with embarrassment as he looked at his cards, then folded his hand. "Most of our parents were members of The Rainbow Bridge Club back in the day. We're son and daughter of White Indian and The Black Cat, who also used to be a villain. When she got together with dad, she changed sides and names, becoming Black Angel."

Super-American nodded. "I knew them well. Good people."

"I took my mom's name of 'Black Cat' when I first joined The Color Guard," said the sister.

"Which got my attention, because Black Cat was my mom, from when she was still a villain."

"Ah," said the older hero, "that explains 'Tigress' then."

"It's Purple Tigress actually," she said respectfully. "He never became a hero, but he was still my dad."

"My dear, that seems truly hard to believe," he said with a warming smile. "I knew your father too- he was a terror to fight."

"You would've believed it when she came at us guns blazing," said White Panther, making Tigress wince. He winked at her. "She came in all, 'Who are you to have my mother's name,' and bam! Pow! We had a fight on our hands!" he laughed.

"I was out for blood," confessed Tigress. Pointing at her half-sister, she said, "until she took off her mask." Faltering a bit, she said, "She looks so much like mom."

"She told me so too- said I was beautiful- which is how I got my new name," she said with a soft smile. "If 'Black Cat' was going to cause her pain, I didn't want that, so I took a name inspired by my new sister- 'Black Beauty.' That's been my name ever since, and we invited her to be on the team. That's how the daughter of two supervillains got to be on the team."

"Well, I didn't accept right away," said Tigress bashfully.

"Yeah," laughed Golden Arrow. "She came at us a few more times before coming around. Took Amazing Man joining us to change her mind. She had a bit of a crush as it turned out." The group laughed good-naturedly.

"I've been meaning to ask how that happened," Super-American said to his son. "You don't have a color in your name."

It was Amazing Man's turn to blush. "Oh, that was the press' doing. When I first fought alongside the group, a reporter dubbed me The Green Ghost after seeing me turn to green mist. Before I knew it, the team voted and invited me to join. I straightened 'em out on the name, but it took the press a bit to let it go."

"Okay," said Super-American. "And you two are dating, I take it?"

Amazing Man smiled sheepishly, and protested, "Daaad."

Purple Tigress laughed, "Yes sir, we are. I hope you don't mind."

"On the contrary," he said. "I approve wholeheartedly! This one needs someone to keep him in line," he said, elbowing his son lightly. The team laughed again.

"How come you never joined The RBC?" asked Purple Tigress.

Super-American smiled. "Long story. Mostly because there was no color in my name." The team laughed. "So then, I know you're The Woman in Red," he said pointing across the table, "And you're Red Rocket. Related?"

"Brother and sister," confirmed The Woman in Red. "Our parents were Red Torpedo and Scarlet Phantom."

"Keeping the family to one color theme," snickered Red Rocket.

"Yes," Super-American chuckled. "That's quite a car you drive by the way. Got the old man's penchant for tinkering, I see? Your father and Golden Knight built El Dorado, y'know."

"With a little help from my mom," added Silver Streak.

"Our mom," said Golden Girl.

American laughed with disbelief. "Now wait-a-minute. You're all sister and brothers?" he asked, pointing at Golden Girl, Golden Arrow and Silver Streak.

Golden Arrow was sipping on his beer when asked. He stopped, and pointing the bottle towards Silver Streak, he said, "Oh, no- we're not related at all." Super-American looked confused. "Golden Girl and I are only half-brother and sister. My father was Golden Archer--"

"--Who became Golden Knight later. Right," said Super-American.

"My mom was Green Sorceress," finished Arrow. "I was 'Bronze Man' so as to not get confused with Golden Girl and Golden Lad, but then 'Bronze Terror' came on the scene and killed mom. I didn't want the name association, or the reminder, so... 'Golden Arrow,' after dad."

Super-American looked a bit sad at that. "I was truly sorry to hear about her death. You have my condolences, young man."

Arrow nodded, and took another pull on his beer.

"And my mom was Silver Knight," said Silver Streak, "but from when she was the villain Madame Strange."

"When she got together with my dad, she became a good guy, and they changed their names to Golden Knight and Silver Knight," added Golden Girl.

Looking at Silver Streak, Super-American said thoughtfully, "Your father... Madame Strange was married. So was he--"

"--Doc Strange. Yes sir, both were villains. Similar to Tigress, I was pissed that mom moved on to a team of heroes, and came gunning for Golden Girl. The team beat me, and she welcomed me with open arms." He looked at the table. "I just broke. Family was all I wanted, so when they offered for me to join, I accepted immediately."

"So you two must be glad to have him around as well," Super-American said to Red Rocket and his sister.

"How do you mean?" asked The Woman in Red.

He was slightly taken aback. "Oh. You've never made the connection?" The group looked confused. "My dear, 'Doc' Strange is TomStrange."

Woman in Red still looked confused, but said, "Well, 'Tom' is our dad's name, but--"

"--Our last name is Redd," finished her brother.

The old man raised his eyebrows. "Well, he changed his name, but I assure you: Doc Strange became a hero too, because he was Red Torpedo." The Woman in Red fell back in her seat, exchanging shocked looks with Silver Streak and Red Rocket. "He and Golden Knight fought bitterly the last time Doc Strange got out of jail. He created the Red Torpedo identity so as not to violate his parole. He just wanted to see his son. When your mom realized what was happening, she stopped them from fighting, and convinced Knight to keep the secret. So they told the press that the fight was a test for their newest recruit, and they introduced Red Torpedo to the world. He met Scarlet Phantom when she joined the team, and yes, they clicked at first because of their matching color schemes." He shrugged. "The rest is history."

"Holy cow," said a young man laying a gun in the middle of the table. "You guys are closer knit than you thought."

"And you are?" asked Super-American.

"Oh, Gunmaster," he said, reaching across the table to shake the hero's hand. "Woman in Red's boyfriend. Not a member- just associate."

"You're going to have to become Blademaster if you keep betting your weapons, young man," scolded American.

Gunmaster winced. "Yeah... I was hoping we were just betting for fun?"

Half the group rolled their eyes and handed him back his weapons. He looked to The Woman in Red, and she said, "Oh, I'm not giving you back anything." Gunmaster's mouth fell open. "I won 'em fair and square. I got invisibility from my mom, but guns are my thing too. I like these," she said firmly. The group was quiet. Then she smirked, and with a wink she said, "But we might be able to work somethingout." The group chuckled, then laughed as Gunmaster's face lit up.

Super-American looked across the table, and said, "Well, that leaves you, young lady. I know it's 'Blue' something, because most of your costume is that color, but I apologize- I've forgotten the rest. Begins with an 'L' I think."

The girl held her thumb and forefinger apart a few inches beside her, arched her eyebrow, and let blue electricity jump between them as a reminder.

"'Bluuuue... Lightning?" he asked hopefully.

"It's 'Blue Lady,' actually," she said with a smile.

"And who are your parents?" he asked, taking a pull on his own beer.

"Well, it took me awhile to find out," she confessed. "I'm adopted, and they wouldn't tell me. I finally got mad and threatened someone with a little electroshock therapy--" She stopped when Super-American looked at her disapprovingly. She hunched in her chair a little, and said, "I'm not proud of it." Then straightening back up, she very quickly added, "But it did work! They told me who my mom was, and I knew she was Green Sorceress' sister, so I tracked down Golden Arrow, and--"

"--Green Sorceress," said Super-American, looking just as shocked as Purple Tigress had. "Blue Bolt was your mother?" he asked, his hand shaking as he set down his beer.

"Dad? Are you okay?" asked Amazing Man.

Not answering, he asked Blue Lady, "Who was your father?"

"I... I don't know," she answered. "My adoptive parents didn't know, and neither did the orphanage. I was about to say- I tracked down Golden Arrow to see if he would know, but he had a different father. I never did find out."

Super-American sat in stunned silence. Then very quietly, he said, "A 'family affair,' indeed."

"Dad?" asked Amazing Man.

He turned to his son with wide, haunted eyes.

"Dad? What's wrong?"

"Your mother," he started. "She died when you were born."

Amazing Man started to look deeply concerned. "Yeah, dad, I know," he said gently.

Turning to Blue Lady, Super-American said, "Would you take off your mask, please?"

The room was very quiet. Blue Lady didn't know what to say. After a few long moments, she reached up with both hands, and slowly removed her mask.

The old man gasped. "You... you look so much like her," he said, putting a shaking hand up to his mouth. "They--" his voice broke with a sob. "They told me you died with her."

"What are you saying?" she said angrily.

"Dad, what are you saying?" Amazing Man asked in confusion.

Turning back to his son, hand still over his mouth, he lowered it slowly and said, "You didn't know her, but Blue Bolt was your mother. You had a twin sister that didn't..." Looking back at Blue Lady, he corrected himself, "that they said didn't make it." The group was stunned once again. "My dear girl..." he reached a shaking hand across the table, and haltingly, she reached out and took it. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

She half-smiled, still not knowing exactly how to react.

Going from shock to anger, Super-American added, "I don't know why they told me you had died, but I will find out. That I promiseyou."

"We'll find out," added Amazing Man, just as somberly. When Blue Lady looked to him, his face changed with realization, and he shouted, "Holy crud! I have a sister!" He turned to mist and flowed across the table, solidifying beside her and giving her a hug. She was shocked for a moment, but then hugged him back.

"We're going to need more beers," said Silver Streak, and before anyone could answer, he was back handing them out. Popping the top on everyone's beers at super speed, he raised his bottle, and said, "A toast! To family!"

"To family!" shouted the group, raising their bottles, and clinking them all around. Then they all sat down and threw their cards in.

White Panther passed the deck to Red Rocket, who started dealing and said, "Well, it seems we all need to get to know each other even better. So Super-American, what about that long story of why you never joined The RBC?"

"Ah," said Super-American. He took a long pull on his beer, set it down, turned it in his fingers a few times, and then said, "That's been a closely guarded secret." The group waited silently, and he finally sighed. "Well, the truth is I couldn't join The RBC, because it might have messed up history too badly. Once I met and saved Blue Bolt? And then fell in love with her? There was no way I could join."

"But it would have messed up history too badly before you met her?" asked Purple Tigress, her feline irises shining as she tilted her head.

"Yes," said Super-American, taking a deep breath. "My history. You see, Golden Knight and Silver Knight are my great-great-great grandfather and grandmother, several times removed."

The group gasped.

"That..." started Golden Girl. "That means..." she shook her head in disbelief.

"Yes," said Super-American. "My family line comes through you. You're my ancestor as well."

"Oh-ho, wowww!" shouted White Panther, throwing his cards on the table. Laughing he said, "Just... wow!"

Pointing to Amazing Man, Super-American said, "And his. And hers," he said pointing at Blue Lady. "None of us could even exist without you."

"And you saved Blue Bolt," said Golden Girl, "which saved Purple Plague, which kept Golden Knight from going to jail, which allowed me and Tigress to be born..." she shook her head with the implications.

Realizing where it was going, Golden Arrow laughed and said, "Which means they couldn't exist without you!"

"WOW!" shouted White Panther.

Golden Girl looked at Super-American, clearly reeling from this information, and although her mouth moved trying to form words, she found herself speechless. He nodded at her, answering her unvoiced question. She shook her head slowly, backing up in her chair a little, and then she fainted.

"Golden Girl!" shouted Golden Lad, catching her before she fell over. Setting her up in the chair and patting her face lightly, he said, "Golden Girl! Golden Girl!" Then realizing something, he looked at Super-American, and asked, "Wait-a-minute. Does that mean...? Am I...?"

Super-American winced and nodded. "Great-great-great--"

Golden Lad passed out.

"WOW!" shouted White Panther.

Red Rocket fell back in his chair and stretched his arms up with a cheer of "Woooo! Best. Poker night. Ever!" and laughed with the rest of the team.

The smooth baritone voice of a station announcer calls out, "You're watching ISPN: The International Super Person Network!"

The Second Reign of Women pops boldly into view as theme music starts playing over silent clips of Supermodel in action. The narrator starts, "We all know Supermodel- hero of The Sponsors, and loved practically the world over, she's the public face of the Super Corporation." Still shots flash on the screen every two seconds, showing Supermodel at the S-Corp. podium during a press conference; walking the runway at a Super Chic fashion show; in a publicity still for The Sponsors; an overhead shot looking down on her as she stands on the deck of The Battleship; lighting the Olympic runners' torch with her fiery breath; standing at the graveside of her father Major Battle during his funeral; and a face-off publicity poster of her and Superblonde for their now famous televised grudge match.

Those are followed by action clips of the Supermodel Vs. Superblonde fight as he continues, "Just as well loved, but perhaps more infamous is the hero who burst onto the scene by fighting Supermodel, and revealing to the world what they have in common- the Hyper-Parasistes. More commonly known as the Superbugs, the world has since learned that these truly alien lifeforms are actually symbiotic in nature. Who is the woman that revealed all this though? It depends on who you ask..."

The next clip is audible, showing news anchor Phillip Thyme for Larsen Channel Seven News. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you're just tuning in, a fight between Supermodel and an equally powered woman claiming to be the daughter of Osmosis has leveled a portion of the Richmond Rotunda this evening. Hundreds have been injured, and there have been some fatalities. The damage is still being assessed at this time. Calling herself Superbi-- uh, Superblonde..."

"Wait a minute," says the narrator, "What was that?"

"Superbi-- uh, Superblonde," repeats the newsclip.

"Check again, Mister Newsman," the narrator says in a mocking tone. "Let's roll that fight footage."

MFL footage of the interrupted Richmond Rhinos game-turned-super-fight shows a by-now familiar scene.

Supermodel picks herself up out of the impact crater she made when she fell from the sky, and asks angrily, "B[leep]ch, who are you?"

"That's Superb[leep]ch to you!" screams the other combatant.

"I'm sorry, who?" asks the narrator.

"Superb[leep]ch to you!" repeats the clip.

"I'm sorry, one more time?" asks the narrator. "Let's get rid of that annoying bleep though."

"That's Superbitch to you!" screams the original footage clip.

"You heard that right- in her anger, the daughter of Osmosis dubbed herself 'Superbitch.' An unfortunate choice that she's never quite escaped, but that hasn't stopped her from trying!" Photos change every two seconds, the first showing the original green costume that mimicked her dad's, topped with his green bowler hat- the so-called Bowler of Oz. The banner in the lower left says "Superbitch," then the name gets overstamped with "Superblonde." Then she's in an orange jumpsuit, with the name banner showing "Superblonde," then overstamped with her prison number: "9035768." A new picture shows her in her Black League uniform, with "Major Oz" on the name banner. Then that gets overstamped with "Major Chaos," then stamped again with "Major Bitch." The next photo shows her in a red costume with the banner once again reading "Superblonde." The banner extends with a slide whistle noise, and her common nickname of "The Blonde Bombshell" appears next to the name. Finally, the last photo shows her after she moved to England, married The Terror, and debuted her current pink and black costume. It's complete with a pink bowler hat with a black hatband known as The American Derby- hearkening back to her arrival in the public eye. She's giving a playful wink to the camera, and the name banner in the lower left reads "American Beauty."

"But pfft! Everyone knows them!" declares the narrator. "Once the Superbugs became public knowledge, the scientific community quickly realized that the creatures were worldwide, spread mainly through meteor strikes that have peppered the globe over time.

"One of the more notable strikes was in Turkey, and it upset the balance of world power. When an Islamic general of the Janissary corps took over the country and set himself up as Sultan of Turkey, his preference for dark robes gained him the media nickname of 'The Man in Black,' and what has been dubbed the 'Black Reign' began. Besides his many other human rights violations, he reinstated harems, and began 'importing' women from all over, despite unfavorable comments from NATO and the UN.

"So the story goes that one night the Sultan was feeling a little freaky, and wanted a new girl sent to him from the harem. The girl was sent, and before the Sultan could disrobe, a meteor strike wrecked the Imperial bedchamber, and both Sultan and odalisque were invaded by Superbugs." As the narrator tells this, mock B-movie drawings are shown: the Sultan rubbing his hands together, his face showing lecherous intent; a young odalisque with a look of horror, her arm thrown up to shield her face as manly hands reach for her; a meteor heading for Turkish spires; a jagged, cartoon crash explosion; overblown alien bugs with the Sultan and odalisque reflecting in their eyes; and then The Man in Black and his would-be-conquest standing in the middle of a dramatic starburst, breathing fire to the right and left of the picture. "Annnnnd the world called him 'Turkeyman'." A wah-wah sound is heard.

"The girl refused to reveal her name, so she simply became known as 'Odalisque'." An obelisk appears onscreen. "No, Odalisque," the narrator corrects. A question mark appears in place of the obelisk. "Just go with it," says the narrator," and a Facebook thumbs up icon appears in place of the question mark. "Good. Moving on."

"Of course, we all know what happened next," continued the narrator. "Several years later, we found out where those bug meteors were coming from, and it won't 'Klendathu,' space fans!" A clip from Starship Troopers plays briefly as he says this. "No, it was the former homeworld of The Accord- a hive-minded collective of alien races that- unlike Earthlings which hunt down the alien nests and destroy them like overzealous Orkin men- embraced the Superbugs, and merged most of their collective with them!" More cartoon pictures detailed what the narrator was saying.

"So the Accord came to Earth. They asked us to 'Be in accord.'

"We said 'No.'

"They said 'Please?'

"We said, 'No way!'" Two cartoon children representing Earthlings and Accordians stand yelling at each other while he says this.

"We fought." The cartoon kids slap at each other rapidly while turning their heads away.

"We fought hard." A dust cloud kicks up, obscuring the two 'toons, and more cartoon kids jump into the fight.

"We beat the Accord." A cartoon spaceship explodes and falls out of the sky.

"The alliance of Earth's 'Dragon Men' dissolved with the victory, and Turkeyman killed Supermale." A Supermale kid-toon is kicked out of the dust cloud fight, and falls to the ground with "X's" over his eyes, and his tongue hanging out.

"Supremacist killed Turkeyman." A Turkeyman kid-toon is thrown from the dust cloud, and lands back-first on top of Supermale, tongue also hanging, and eyes "X'd" out.

"Supremacist caught a beatdown." A Supremacist kid-toon stumbles out of the dustcloud, wobbles around briefly, and collapses chin-first onto Turkeyman's chest, birds and stars orbiting his head, and a dark black shiner over one eye.

"Everyone went home." The dustcloud dissipates, and nobody is there.

"And Turkey turned to the only person on the Sultan's power level to lead the country. Still refusing to reveal her real name, Odalisque renamed herself 'Ankara' after the capital city, and became the new Sultana- referred to by her countrymen as the 'Sweet Sultan of Turkey.' Then...the unexpected."

Lightning cracks across the screen, and loud thunder follows.

"While the rest of the world was screaming their distrust of the now-stranded aliens that survived, and arguing over what to do with them, Ankara offered the Accord refugees asylum in Turkey." Dramatic, ominous music punctuates the narrator's statement. "To make matters worse, the Accord took their surviving Superbugs with them, and Ankara unleashed some of them on the Imperial harem." Canned screams and movie monster sound effects played over stop motion animation of harem women running from giant bugs. "The Harama was born."

Stop motion flames rose up over the animated harem background, and the narrator continues, "Having endured the horrors of human trafficking to wind up in the harem, and abuse and sexual servitude once they got there, The Harama- drunk on their newfound power- went on an absolute rampage. Flowing across Turkey in an indestructible, fire-breathing wave of revenge, they committed a near-total gendercide; slaughtering every male they came across- young and old- with an Amazonian fervor." Female wails of torment are heard over the animation. "It took the intervention of Ankara, two of the Harama loyal to her, and the cries of the country's women- wives, sisters, and daughters- to bring the killings to a stop. When it was all over, only an estimated eight percent of the Turkish male population remained.

"The Harama retreated to the capital, and Ankara announced to the world that Turkey was now a closed state, much like North Korea." News footage plays over the narration. "She confirmed the asylum for the Accord refugees, and promised swift retribution on any country that attempted to attack them within Turkey's borders. With the now-massive military might of the bug-implanted Harama and Accordians, the balance of world power was instantly thrown on its ear.

"While Ankara did not let this new position go to waste, she wielded it as a bargaining chip for her country's interests, rather than as a weapon. The world began to see her as 'The Sweet Sultan,' just as her countrymen did, and the Sultana of Turkey, formerly an 'unspoiled' odalisque, became known as 'The Modern Day Virgin Queen'."

A map of Europe and Asia appeared onscreen, and a big arrow pointed to England as the narrator said, "Don't let Iron Liege hear you say that though!" A picture of the armored, fully-covered royal flashed onscreen, but was then covered by a big red "X" as the narrator said, "On second thought, who cares what she thinks? She's named after a racehorse!" A picture of the deceased racehorse appeared in the royal's place. "Unless she's really immortal like she claims," the narrator added quickly. "In which case, the horse was named after her, so nevermind." A red "X" covers the horse, and the picture switches back to the human Iron Liege. "Long live the Queen!" shouts the narrator, followed by a nervous, "uh-heh-heh."

"Speaking of 'long live the queen,' that's what Turkey is hoping for as they are now in the throes of their Second Reign of Women. So while the United States has a stranglehold of superiority on many things," vamps the fast-talking narrator as Uncle Sam, The Statue of Liberty, Abraham Lincoln, a battleship, and fireworks flash across the screen in rapid succession, "super women is no longer one of them! Look out Supermodel! The Sultana of Turkey is giving you a run for your money!" Music plays, the picture narrows, and credits start to play in a minimized box on the right side of the screen. "For ISPN, this has been The Second Reign of Women! Thanks for watching!"

Flambe The Flaming Homosexual is loud and proud about being a gay superhero, wearing dayglow pink spandex with bright orange and yellow flames around his plunging V-neck shirt. After defeating the homophobic killer archer, Straight Arrow, he's the darling of both the Manhattan hero circuit, and the college club scene.

T&A Exotic Dancers is exactly what it advertises- strippers showing their all to a steady stream of horndog drunks, frat boys, lesbians, and on many a Saturday night, bachelor parties. Like tonight. Tonight, the bachelor party is for...

"Joey Legonza!" calls the DJ, followed by cheers from a large group of rowdy men. "Joey Legonza! Report to the stage!" A happily tipsy man in the middle of the crowd of cheers tries to wave off the silhouetted man in the booth on stage left, but he persists, "We hear this is your bachelor party!" The cheers intensify. "That gets you a lap dance with two of our beautiful girls! Right up here on the stage!"

The whooping and cheering men begin to push Joey towards the stage, along with one woman in a yellow and black tube dress, yelling and cheering right along with them. "Joey! Who'sthat hottie?" Some whistles follow. "Is that your fiance?" Joey shakes his head as the crowd herds him forward. "She's NOT?! I've got to meet her then! Glad to see you're not that whipped though!" Cheers and roars of laughter rock the club.

"Okay guys, hoist him up to the stage!" Joey's friends grab him by the arms and legs, and half-throw him onto the raised platform as two girls come from stage left to help him up. "Ooooo, Joey, it looks like you got a sweet deal tonight! Meet Domino and Holly Sugarrr!," he growled. "The Sugar Twinnnns!"

Whoops and cheers went up from the crowd. Joey pursed his lips with an overly appreciative head nod, and playing to the crowd, he struck a contemplative pose- left arm folded over his chest, right elbow resting on that arm, and right hand stroking his chin as if trying to decide which one to sample first. It was just further intoxicant to the exuberant swell of men.

With lust in his voice, the DJ sneered, "And tonight, Joey Legonza, you get to see Sugar in the RAWWWW!"

Joey rubbed his hands together expectantly, and his friends fairly gargled their cheers through their salivations.

"But FIRST," taunted the DJ as Domino brought out a chair from backstage, "Put your hands behind your back, Joey!"

Joey snapped to attention in a mock manner and clasped his hands behind his back. Domino set the chair directly behind him, and then took hold of his hands. Holly undid his belt, and slipped it expertly out of the belt loops. Joey raised his eyebrows and rocked to his toes, making excited faces at his friends. They ate it up, cheering him on. Domino sat him down, and Holly made a show of walking behind Joey to secure his hands with the belt.

Then the DJ commanded, "Now sit there just like that while the girls do their thing!" The music started, and the DJ taunted, "For theentire dance, Joey! No touching, only looking."

Joey's shoulders sagged in mock dejection, but he couldn't erase the playful grin from his face.

"That's right, grin you idiot," continued the DJ, "because it's for this dance, and the rest of your life!"

Joey couldn't help but laugh aloud with the crowd.

The girls did their job well, working both Joey and the watching crowd into a lather, teasing and taunting as they danced. Men from the floor walked up to the stage and threw bills of various denominations on the edge of the stage. As Joey enjoyed himself, the DJ called out, "So Joey, be honest: are you thinking about the Sugars right now, or your fiance?" The crowd laughed as Joey mouthed something to the DJ. "Your fiance? Really? Why have Sugar when you've got a honey waiting for you, right?" The crowd laughed, and the twins stood up with their hands on their hips, momentarily huffing at the DJ, making the crowd laugh louder. Then they smiled, and went back to work on their dance, determined to make Joey break.

Another twenty seconds into the song, the DJ said, "Joey, really- you still want to get married?"

Joey nodded enthusiastically.

The DJ yelled into the mic, "Everybody say, 'a$$#ole!'"

The crowd called out "A$$#OLE!" and then cheered.

"Show of hands," said the DJ, "How many of you guys know Joey's fiance?" Every hand in the house went up. "Wow. Is she worth it?" The guys supportively cheered their friend's girl.

Another five seconds went by, and as Domino slid her body down the front of Joey's shirt and between his legs, expertly teasing him, the DJ sounded quizzical as he casually asked, "Joey, your fiance- does she give good...y'know- what Domino's faking right now?" Domino winked up at Joey.

Joey craned his head back over the chair and gave an overexaggerated nod.

"You see all those hands out there?" asked the DJ. "THAT'S WHY!"

The room erupted with laughter and a synchronized "Oooooo" from the assembled men.

"What do you think she'd say if I asked her?" asked the DJ. Joey nodded with an assured look on his face, to which the DJ said, "So you think she'd tell me she's good at it too?"

Joey tossed his head backwards over the chair, clearly feeling the burn. His friends cheered uproariously.

"So what's her name, Joey?" the DJ asked as the girls danced around him. Joey answered, but couldn't be heard over the music. "What's that?" asked the DJ. "Anyone out there know the name of Joey's fiance?" he called.

"JENNY!" roared the crowd.

"Jenny?" repeated the DJ. "Jenny? 'Joey & Jenny?' Really? That's too cutesy," protested the DJ. "I'm just going to call her 'Jennifer,' okay Joey?"

Joey shrugged.

The DJ just kept talking over the music. "So you're really in love with Jennifer, huh, Joey?"

Joey nodded seriously. Holly slid her hands around him from behind, rubbing from his shoulders, down his chest, and reaching for his waist, but pulling back at the last second.

"Do you tell Jennifer that?"

Joey nodded again.

"I would hope so- you popped the question, right?"

The crowd laughed good naturedly.

"Does Jennifer tell you that?"

Joey started to nod again, but was interrupted by Domino rubbing a hand along his cheek to his chin, and turning his head to within inches of her face.

"Yeah, of course she does," agreed the DJ. "What's not to love?"

"Does Jennifer work?" the DJ asked.

Joey shook his head, sneering like it should be obvious that she wouldn't, then looked back at Domino.

"Stays at home then?"

Joey shrugged, smiling less, but clearly interested when Holly rubbed a hand across his other cheek to his chin, and turned his face away from Domino and back to her.

"Does Jennifer know what you do?"

Joey looked back to the DJ with a what the hell look on his face, the crowd of friends quieting by half. Joey shook his head.

"Jennifer doesn't know that you traffic girls overseas?"

The other half of the crowd went silent.

"Jennifer doesn't know that she's the fifth fiance this year?"

The music stopped.

"Jennifer doesn't know that you're also known as The Black Widower?"

A distinctive CLACK and SHLICK-SHLACK was heard over the mic, and then the booth lights went on.

"You girls should duck now," said the DJ as the Punisher looked out from behind him, holding a Beretta to the DJ's head, and a sawed-off shotgun to the window.

BANG! went Castle's Beretta, and the DJ's brains exploded all over the window. BOOM! went the shotgun, and the window blew out onto the stage. The Sugar Twins screamed and ran backstage.

Suddenly, everyone in the room had a gun in their hand, but the Punisher was faster. He grabbed a machine gun that was slung over his back and sprayed the room with one hand, and grabbed a grenade from his belt with the other, lobbing it into the crowd. Then a second and a third. A few shots rang out in his direction, and one even clipped Frank in the shoulder of his grenade arm, but it was over before anyone knew what hit them.

Joey Legonza, now sober, had come to realize that his hands were secured to the chair with his belt a lot tighter than he thought, so all he could do was shout, "Oh sh!t, man! Oh sh!t! Oh SH!T!"

The Punisher walked up to him, and put the shotgun to his forehead. Then looking down, he used the gun to poke Joey hard in the crotch, and said, "What's the matter, Legonza? You didn't like the dance?"

"N-nah," he lied. The Punisher scowled. "NAW, man, naw! I-I-I..." his voice dissolved into a whine. "I-I'm getting married tomorrow, man!"

Castle scowled harder, "At least for a week, before shipping her to the underbelly of Saudi Arabia, or India, or Moscow, right?"

Joey's face went completely hopeless.

"You really didn't like the girls?" asked Frank. "Is that why you do it? You hate women?"

"S-sure man," Joey sputtered desperately. "Whatever! The girls were great! They were fantastic! Best evUHG," he was cut off by the Punisher's shotgun being shoved into his mouth. A wet stain spread across his pants and down Joey's leg. Castle ignored it.

"Yeah, they weren't too bad," Frank agreed. He yanked the shotgun out of Joey's mouth, pumped it one-handed, and shoved it roughly back into his mouth, breaking teeth as he did so, making Legonza cry harder. "You should have gotten your dance in the V.I.P. room though. You know why, Joey?"

The trafficker sobbed violently, tears flowing harder as he shook his head with some difficulty due to the shotgun.

Frank's face went serious and dark as he answered, "They're known for their happy ending."

BOOM!

Escape Through the Nexus

Nim heard two gunshots outside of his apartment. He jumped up to turn off the lights, then went to the window.Nothing out there but forest, he thought to himself.

Then a weird flame lit up the woods, way inside. It shot across a space, and then something darted across it. A short scream followed, then something indistinct he couldn't make out through the glass. Silently, he clicked the lock off, slid the door open, and stepped out onto his balcony, moving to the corner that was cast in shadow. More gunshots followed, then more flames, and then that something again, followed by a weird roar.

"Sableye's escaped!" he heard from the darkness.

Escaped from what? thought Nim. There's nothing out there. Or there's not supposed to be. I better look into this.

Stepping back inside, he went to his bedroom without turning on the lights. Ambient light from the moon allowed him to navigate well enough, and what he was looking for was always in the same place. While the single shots now gave way to machine gun fire, he tightened a belt, tied the holsters attached to it to his thighs, and then checked the guns. Fully charged. He Velcroed a star shaped metal badge over a patch of the same shape on his chest, and then grabbed a duster hanging on the door hook. Putting it on, he slid his feet into his boots, and checked to see that the anti-grav heel units were charged. Making his way back out to the balcony, he swung himself out over the rail, and descended lightly to the ground, a couple of floors below.

He made his way into the woods, and tapped his belt buckle to enable the force field. No sense getting shot by panicked shooters, he thought. He'd only gone about a hundred meters into the forest when a handful of men came sprinting towards him, shooting wildly behind them. He stepped to one side, then stuck his arm out, catching the first two in the chest as two more ran by. They fell hard to the ground, and then he grabbed the next one that came within reach; a babyfaced male. "What's going on here?" demanded Nim.

"Ranger!" cried the young man, wild eyed. He then looked over the ranger's shoulder, eyes wider still. Nim crouched suddenly, jerking the man down with him, then spun his leg outwards, catching the man's two companions again, sweeping their legs out from under them. Drawing one of his guns, he pointed it at them and said firmly, "I'll ask again: what is going on here?"

The two men put their hands up in front of them, and one of them said, "Sableye's escaped. The danged thing is trashing the camp!"

"'Camp?'" repeated Nim. "What camp? These woods are empty!"

The second man on the ground shook his head. "It's tesseracted. We're guards. They bring us the Nexus' worst."

Nim made a face like he'd just got wind of something foul. "What the hell are you talking about? There ain't no Nexus prison 'round here! I would know!"

The young man spoke up, "You're not supposed to know." Nim looked at him. "It's the best way to keep these prisoners' locations secret," he said.

"Look out!" one of the others shouted.

Nim looked at them, and they were looking behind him. Throwing the babyface all the way to the ground, Nim ducked himself, and looked up just in time to see a vaguely humanoid creature bounding at them on all fours, gem-like eyes gleaming in the moonlight. It growled, leapt, and went right over their heads, disappearing into an oval shaped void of energy.

Looking to the young man, he said, "Sableye?"

The young man nodded.

Looking to the other two guards for more information, one of them shrugged, "Don't look at us. We only detain. Youare the ranger."

Nim tilted his head at them with some frustration, then leapt to his feet. He took three running steps, then threw himself into the nexus.

***

There was a brief head rush, and then Nim was tumbling out of the nexus. He rolled to his feet, coming up with his gun. "Nexus Ranger!" he shouted.

A bald man with a mustache had Sableye pinned down- one hand on the back of its neck, one on a leg, and a knee in its back. Looking at Nim, he simply said, "Heironymous. Secret Service. This yours?"

Spotting the badge on the man's belt, the ranger said, "I promise you: this is out of your jurisdiction."

"You don't say," the man said dryly, looking bored.

Just then, Sableye swiped a hand backwards, throwing his captor off to one side. It made a face, then yowled, and then exploded. Nim's force field kept him from harm, and once the dust cleared, he saw that the agent was also unharmed, although his clothes were in tatters.

"I hate when that happens," said the agent.

Nim looked around quickly, and spotted another nexus against the wall. "Sorry 'bout the intrusion," he said as he broke into a run, and leapt through the portal.

"No real harm done," Heironymous said as the nexus closed. Then, looking at his clothes, he said, "Hmph. I'm going to be late for dinner."

***

Nim rolled to his feet again, and then was immediately thrown to one side as the floor pitched to one side. Slamming into a wall, he saw the Sableye fighting with a tall, hairy humanoid which was howling its anger as it fought.

"What is that thing?" shouted 'Tar.

"I have no idea!" Drom shouted back. "But put it down before it destroys the Eagle! Tubacca! Quit playing with it!"

The creature gargled a protest, and then threw Sableye at a bulkhead. Instead of slamming into it, another nexus opened up, and it slipped through silently, sticking out its tongue as it did so.

Getting to his feet, gun in hand, Nim started to steady himself when 'Tar shouted, "Drom! Blaster!"

"Got it! Hang onto something!"

'Tar and Tubacca did as commanded, and the ship rolled sideways. Unprepared, Nim sailed backwards, tumbling through the nexus like an open window.

As it closed, a small explosion rocked the ship. "I am really tired of getting fired at today," Drom said quietly.

***

Hitting the deck in a full sprawl, Nim looked up to see a large man with a mace fighting the Sableye. Then he heard, "And what manner of man are you?"

He looked to the bow of the ship where the voice came from, and saw a tall blonde man that was apparently in charge. Before he could answer, the Sableye came screeching towards him. Ducking instinctively as it leapt, he rolled to see that Sableye leapt over the rail, but he didn't hear a splash. Scrambling to his feet and heading for the rail, he was suddenly jerked backwards by a powerful hand. "Finnrick asked you a question!" growled the man with the mace.

"Hold, Manjaro," came another voice. A man with a falcon on his arm approached from the stern, and pointing at the ranger's chest, he said, "See? He wears a symbol similar to Heironymous."

"I am still not convinced that was Heironymous, mage" spat Manjaro. "Even a dragon could not live that long."

Snorting at Manjaro's assumption, the mage turned his attention to the ranger and said, "I'm Ulrich. Are you friends with Heironymous?" he asked.

Thinking of his first trip through the nexus, he answered, "We've... met. My name is Nim." Looking to Manjaro, "I'm chasing the creature you were fighting." Then looking to Finnrick, he said, "I must be after him now."

"Go," Finnrick said without hesitation.

Nim ran to the rail, but stopped. "No!" he cried. "The nexus. It's...gone."

"I can help you with that," said Ulrich. Gesturing calmly, a mist reached out for Nim, enveloping him.

As he disappeared, Nim complained, "Aw, not magic. I hate magic."

Ulrich stared towards the dissipating mist, and answered, "That's probably why it affects you like it does."

***

A puff of mist heralding his arrival, Nim doubled over and threw up.

"Another intrusion?" said a booming voice. The ranger wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then looked up to see that it belonged to a gigantic red bird with four yellow eyes, sitting in the biggest tree he had ever seen. Under one of it's massive claws, it had the Sableye pinned. Or it did until a nexus opened up underneath, and the Sableye fell through. The bird stumbled slightly as it's foot slipped through as well, but it drew it out of the nexus just before it closed. "Hm," it said as it looked at the bottom of its foot, checking for the Sableye. Seeing nothing, it looked again to Nim, and said, "And who are you?"

Nim stood up slowly, hands drifting instinctively to his holsters, making sure his guns were still there, but he did not draw. "I'm chasing the creature that just disappeared from under your foot. The Sableye is a fugitive," he said. Direct explanations were often best when jumping dimensions.

The bird's top set of eyes smoldered slightly, but it said, "So go after it while you are still able."

"Thank you," Nim said respectfully, "but... how? The nexus closed behind it."

"That branch, there," came a voice from behind him. Nim jumped with a start, and turned to see a furry creature pointing to a low hanging branch. "You are the biggest squirrel I've ever seen."

"My name is Ratatosk," said the squirrel. "Get to that branch before Toucan the Terrible changes his mind."

Hearing the bird's name, Nim looked to him cautiously.

Eyes still smoldering, Toucan the Terrible said, "You should listen to the tree rat."

Wasting no time, Nim jogged over to the branch and jumped up to catch hold. Pulling himself up, he stood and walked in the direction that Ratatosk pointed. The branch climbed and curved steeply, and Nim followed it until he reached the end. "Now what?" he asked aloud, looking out into the black void.

"Jump," he heard Ratatosk's voice echo from below.

With no real alternative, Nim did as he was told. The inky darkness swallowed him up, and he was gone.

Looking a few branches up towards the bird, Ratatosk said, "You know I don't like it when you call me that, Sam," he said.

The bird's smoldering eyes lit up brightly, and two beams lanced out, reducing the squirrel to a pile of ash. The four yellow eyes narrowed, and the toucan laughed cruelly.

The ash shifted, and Ratatosk rose from the pile, shaking the ash from his fur. Glaring at the bird, he said, "I don't likethat either."

Toucan the Terrible threw his head back and laughed loudly into the darkness.

***

Throwing up, then picking himself up off the ground, Nim spat, then said, "Magic again. Yuck."

The yowl of the Sableye drew his attention. It was clawing at a man's arms as the man attempted to choke it with his rumal. The man wore a turban, had a mustache similar to Heironymous', and a gleam of murderous intent in his eyes. Drawing one of his guns, Nim aimed and announced, "Nexus Ranger! Let the Sableye go!"

Just out of the corner of his eye, Nim spotted a woman walking through the wall, guns of her own trained on the man in the turban. "Phansigar!" she shouted "Time to... what the devil?" she said in bewilderment as she saw the Sableye.

Nim drew his other gun and pointed it at the woman. She in turn trained one of hers on him. Dressed all in white, she looked every bit the ghost that her entrance had made her appear to be. "Who are you?" demanded Nim.

Before she could answer, a blue flash distracted both of them. They looked towards Phansigar and the Sableye, only to see the creature leap through a nexus. The turbaned man spun his rumal around his head, and let it fall around him, disappearing also. As he did so, his voice echoed from the ether, "Another time, Woman in White!"

Staring in disbelief, she looked to Nim, the only other person left in the room. He looked back to her, and said, "I'm afraid I have to be going too, ma'am, but if you don't mind me saying so, you're beautiful." And with a wink, he ran for the nexus and jumped.

The Woman in White drew her arms back slightly now that she had no one to aim at, then holstered her guns. "I will find you, Phansigar," she said quietly.

***

Landing lightly on his feet, thanks to his anti-grav boots, Nim shouted, "Nexus Ranger!"

"About time!" shouted Solomon Seal as he shifted to mist to avoid a swipe from the Sableye. Reforming on the other side of the room, he said, "Take care of this thing, will ya? It throws fire!" A blue fireball erupted towards him as if to prove his point, and he misted away.

Nim fired at the mist, and the Sableye looked at the ranger with confusion, not sure why he had fired at his opponent. Taking advantage of the distraction, Nim fired at the Sableye, wounding it and knocking it backwards. Before it could recover, he reached in his pocket, and came out with a pokeball. Throwing it, the ball captured the Sableye, the creature yowling in protest. Walking over, Nim picked up the ball and pocketed it.

Punching a button on the hilt of his gun with his thumb, he fired at the corner of the room, and a return nexus lit up. Looking to the vampire, Nim nodded and said, "Sorry 'bout the disruption." He then walked into the nexus.

Walking in just in time to see the nexus flash closed, Jeanine Fairchild cried, "What in the world is going on here? Solomon?" Looking around at the mess, she exclaimed, "My office!"

Solomon sighed deeply, and looking at the now empty corner of the room, he said, "Don't worry, boss. I'll get it straightened up."

***

Landing easily back in the woods where he started, the babyfaced guard was still there, waiting. Looking at Nim a bit awkwardly, he said, "They told me I had to wait. I hate being the new guy."

Reaching into his pocket for the pokeball, he handed it over to the guard, and said, "See if you can keep it secured this time."

The young guard nodded sheepishly, and said, "Thank you, Ranger...?"

"Name's Nim. Roderick Nim," answered the ranger. "You can call me Rod. Most call me Nim."

The guard nodded. "Thank you, Ranger Nim." Hefting the pokeball, he looked at it as if he couldn't believe all the trouble it had caused, and assured the ranger, "I'll make certain this gets back where it belongs," and he turned to go.

Nim called out, "Hey! I didn't catch your name!"

"Need to know," the guard called back as he waved over his shoulder. "You don't," he said simply as he walked away.

"Hmph," said Nim as he watched the guard wander into the woods. "That's gratitude." Then he turned to head back to his apartment. "I do the legwork, he gets the prisoner. Shoot."

Monsters

Rick Grimes sat in his patrol car parked next to the curb where the best food truck in town parked, polishing off a huge slice of pizza, and starting in on some fries. He was a couple of bites in when his partner, Shane Walsh, got in on the passenger side with his lunch order. "Man, I don't understand why it takes them so much longer to make the pizza pie compared to the regular pizza slice. It's just more dough on top, right?"

"I feel your pain, brother," said Rick around a mouthful of fries.

Shane looked at him and laughed. "Yeah, I can see how it's hindering you. That pain might just be indigestion."

Rick laughed after he swallowed. "Why don't you just order two single slice combos and sandwich it together yourself?"

"And do what with the extra fries?" asked Shane. "I hate to waste food."

"Feed it to the birds?" Rick asked in a tone that said it was a no-brainer.

"What?" balked Shane. "Attract those little beggars every time they see the sheriff's star? No thanks!"

"Yeah, you're right," Rick said with a hint of sarcasm. "Feed creatures that are only looking for a way to survive? What was I thinking?"

Shane punched him in the shoulder, and they both laughed.

"Dispatch to Deputies Grimes and Walsh," crackled the radio. "Holdup suspects are approaching your area. Head them off on the 85."

Shane grabbed the radio mic and responded, "10-4. Deputies Walsh and Grimes responding."

Rick hit the lights and sirens, and said, "Guess you need a faster order, partner."

As he tossed his lunch out the window, Shane griped, "Yeah, danged birds get my lunch after all."

"Monsters," laughed Rick.

****

Merle sat back on his dealer's couch, taking a long drag off of the bong they were sharing. Then he passed it to his right, and said a little too loudly, "Here, little brother! Put some hair on your--"

"Damn, Merle!" Daryl shouted back. "Why you gotta be so damned loud? I'm still feeling that moonshine from last night."

"Aw, what's the matter, bro'? Can't take the hangover?" Merle laughed. "Maybe you need more hair of the dog than the hair this'll give ya," he said, quickly snatching the bong back from his brother.

"Hey! Give that back!" yelled Daryl, his hand shooting out and grabbing the bong again. They pulled between them briefly, and it snapped in their hands, cutting Merle and spinning out of Daryl's hands, crashing to the floor in the pieces.

"Heyyy, man! That bong was handmade," protested the dealer.

Merle wiped the blood from his hand on his shirt, then sucked on the cut before saying, "What the hell are you complainin' about? It was made from a damned vase!"

"It was the only thing I got when my mom passed," the dealer whined.

"You drilled a hole in it dipsh*t," said Daryl.

Merle laughed, and tossed the other half of the vase-bong into the floor, watching it break to pieces also.

The dealer just looked at the pieces forlornly through his drugged stupor, and said, "Dude. You guys are monsters."

Just then, the doorbell rang. "Hey, hey!" Merle shouted happily. "Pizza guy's here! About damned time!" Opening the door, he said, "Damn, Kato, I think you got the wrong house. We ordered pizza, not Chinese."

"Hilarious," Glenn deadpanned. "And I'm Korean, not Chinese."

"Whatever, Kato!" said Merle as he jerked the pizza box out of his hand and threw some crumpled bills at him.

Glenn had to chase some of the wadded bills down the steps, and Merle laughed before slamming the door. Glenn looked at the wadded up cash in his hands, sighed, and shoved them into his pocket. Wasn't enough there for a tip. "Thanks, douchebags," he said as he headed for his car.

***

All it took was for Ed to come in the back door and see the empty kitchen table. "How many times do I have to tell you to have my dinner ready when I come home, woman?" he raged.

"I-I'm sorry, baby," said Carol. "It's in the oven. It's almost ready."

Ed gritted his teeth, his jaw jutting back-and-forth a few times, before he seethed, "So what are we having?"

"Corn's on the counter," Carol said nervously, "and green beans are sitting in the microwave. I'm just waiting on the fish sticks to--"

"FISH STICKS?" boomed Ed. "I COME HOME FROM A HARD DAY'S WORK, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE FISH STICKS READY ON TIME? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" he shouted. "COME HERE!" he said, grabbing for her.

Carol instinctively jerked away, and shouted, "No!" only succeeding in making Ed angrier. "I mean, I-I'm sor--"

SLAP! sounded loudly through the kitchen, bringing a dark welt up over Carol's right eye. "I don't want to hear your 'sorry's!' Just get my damned dinner on the table, woman! If you burn those fish sticks, there's going to be hell to pay!"

Carol didn't move right away as she was feeling around her eye, and Ed shouted, "NOW!" She whimpered and moved to the oven, quickly reaching in for the pan, and burning her hand as she forgot a pot holder in her haste, the pan and fish sticks clattering to the floor. She screamed and ran for the sink, running cold water over her hand. Between the pain in her eye, the pain in her hand, her husband's lack of care that she burned herself, embarrassment over her vulnerability, and panic over the dropped fish sticks, she started crying.

Ed just looked at her, angrier than ever. He reached in the fridge for a beer, twisted the cap off, threw it at her head, and stalked out to the living room, muttering, "Stupid cow can't even get damned fish sticks done right. What the hell did I do to deserve this?"

As he disappeared around the corner, Carol continued to hold her hand under the cold water, and whispered to herself, "What did I do to deserve such a monster?"

***

Glenn Rhee was just coming in from his latest delivery when the boss called out, "Hey, Glenn! Got another one for you! Just came in a few minutes ago, but the lady promised a twenty dollar tip if she could get it quick. Her husband started shouting in the background about wasting money just after that though."

"Was it the Peletiers again," asked Glenn?

"Who else?" asked the boss dismissively. "I heard him screaming something about 'fish sticks' as she hung up. She sounded like she was crying."

"Damn," said Glenn. "Let me jump on that. By the way, those stoner A-holes you sent me to didn't even tip!"

"The monsters," the boss said in mock horror.

"What's monstrous is the minimum wage for food service, boss!"

For the first time, the boss looked up from the pizza dough he was kneading, and looked completely unamused.

Glenn just rolled his eyes as he grabbed the next pizza, and shouted, "I love my job, boss!" as he ran out the door.

The boss shook his head, then punched the pizza dough on the table. "Smart ass," he said.

***

"Mm!" said the blonde reporter. "Mister Atsan, this pizza is delicious! Great recommendation!"

"You think?" he asked. "It seems to be...missing something," he said with uncertainty.

"Well, if you know a better pizza place, I'd love to know about it!" she said enthusiastically. "This is great."

"Glad you like it," he chuckled, "but please, just call me Atsan; no 'Mister.'"

"Oh! Okay," said the reporter, pushing a dangling piece of cheese into her mouth. "Then your last name is...?"

"Just 'Atsan' will do, Miss Hunch," he said pleasantly.

"Oh, well then," she said with a small laugh, "Call me Iva then."

"Iva it is then," replied Atsan. "A lovely name you don't hear often anymore."

"You say that like you're some old fogie, Atsan, but I doubt we're that far apart in age," she teased.

"You might be surprised," Atsan teased back with a charming smile.

"Mm-hmm," said Iva. "I think I know being buttered up when I see it. So let's get to it. What brings you to Atlanta, Atsan?"

"The large homeless population," he said without hesitation. "As you know, the Atsan Association has been asked to expand beyond our orphanages into other areas where people need help, and we've gladly agreed to do so. I've come to sample the homeless population here, to see how we might best serve them."

"'Sample?'" Iva asked.

"Well, assess might be a more acceptable word," Atsan corrected himself.

The two laughed amiably, and the interview continued over their pizza lunch for another forty-five minutes.

"Well, I really have to get back to the office if I'm going to get this story in early enough for the evening edition," said Iva.

"Perhaps once you're done, I could see you this evening at my hotel? I'm staying at the Four Seasons in the penthouse. I'd love to have you for dinner."

"Something besides pizza?" Iva said, her eyebrow raised.

Atsan smiled back. "Oh, I can't imagine the two could compare."

***

Seven hours later, Miss Hunch stepped off the penthouse elevator, and was greeted by an empty foyer. Slightly confused, she stepped around the corner to see Atsan standing in the middle of the living room area, watching the news on a big screen television mounted to the south wall. The sound was muted. There were people running in the streets, chased by what looked like other people who were disfigured somehow. There were cars clogging the out-of-town lanes over the bridge, and then there was an explosion- one which she heard outside of the penthouse in the distance.

"What the hell is going on out there?" asked Iva. "I was so into my own story today, and in such a rush to get here, I hadn't checked the wires."

Atsan sighed. "It's what happens when my sampling sessions get interrupted."

Taken aback, Iva said, "Excuse me?"

"I told you I was here to sample the homeless population," answered Atsan. "Usually, that can be done without interference, but someone saw me, yelled for the police, and chased me off. The result is these... monsters," he said with some disgust. "Not quite windigo- just someone infected by a windigo bite, infecting others with their bite, and next thing you know," he sighed, "it's on the news. Damn."

"I-I don't understand," said Iva. "What do you mean 'someone saw you? Yelled for the police? Chased you off?' What do you have to do with-- gasp!" she stopped when Atsan turned around.

Blood ringed Atsan's mouth, and ran down his chin and onto the coat and shirt of his formerly impeccable white suit. "I mean I was in the middle of eating a real meal after that horrid pizza," he said. "Unfortunately, that was interrupted by those who really didn't know better. But then I should have known better really. Never let yourself get too hungry when making important decisions," he said calmly as he walked towards Iva, who was frozen in fear.

"Fortunately, I planned ahead," said Atsan, "and as I said earlier today, I can have you for dinner."

Iva started to scream, but was cut short by Atsan biting into her neck.

Snake Mountain

Skeletor's gleeful cackle can be heard throughout the spartan mountain. Only Evil-Lyn dared to enter his chamber to see what the commotion was about. Although once she entered, Beast Man followed fearfully behind. "What has you so happy, Lord Skeletor?" asked the sorceress.

"Evil-Lyn! Beast Man!" shouted Skeletor. "Observe my latest creation! My latest warrior! My Rhino Man! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!"

Upon the announcement, Rhino Man turned from the window, assumed a stance as if about to leap, and roared. His eyes were a deep yellow, his skin was a dark gray, and the horns at the end of his nose were made of a gleaming metal, pointed on the ends and fearsome to behold. He roared again, and charged across the room towards a five foot stone column with a bust of He-Man on the top. He plowed into it, and stone and rubble flew in ever direction. He roared again and charged in the other direction, taking out an identical pillar with a bust of Teela on top. Then one with Orko, then Man-At-Arms, and still others as Evil-Lyn and Beast Man looked on in amazement.

With every hit, Skeletor shook his fists in the air triumphantly and laughed with evil glee. "That muscelebound fool, He-Man, won't know what hit him!" Snake Mountain echoed with his laughter.

The Eternian Plains

"I don't get it, Lord Skeletor," said Beast Man. "Now that you have Rhino Man, what do we want these guys for? They're just a buncha wild Elephant Men. Their horns aren't covered in metal or nothin'!" he said with confusion.

"They're tusks, you fool!" answered Skeletor, "and that's not why we need them! While Rhino Man is destroying He-Man, you will all herd these Elephant Men towards Castle Grayskull. It will be destroyed by a stampede of these creatures rampaging through its walls, and at last, I will be able to defeat the Sorceress, and cut off the source of He-Man's power." Skeletor laughed and said, "At last, victory will be mine!"

"Good plan, Skeletor," said Beast Man.

The evil lord glared at Beast Man and snapped, "So get moving, you fool!"

"Yah!" shouted Beast-Man. "Get moving, you animals! To Castle Grayskull!" He roared, and was followed by Tri-Klops, Whiplash, and Ninjor, herding the Elephant Men in the direction of Grayskull.

"Do you think this will work?" asked Evil-Lyn, as she used her magic to levitate towards Skeletor.

"Of course it will work!" barked Skeletor. "This plan cannot fail!" he shouted angrily.

"Of course," agreed Evil-Lyn.

The Grounds Behind Castle Grayskull

Prince Adam and Cringer were out for a run, exploring the grounds behind the Castle. They tended to change, and Prince Adam liked to keep apprised of new developments. "Ha ha! Come on Cringer, you big 'fraidy cat! We'd be done by now if you didn't keep lagging behind," Adam called good naturedly.

"Ohhh," moaned Cringer. "Perhaps my 'lagging' has kept us out of trouble, Prince Adam. Did you ever think of that?" he asked with a shiver.

Adam looked at his friend dubiously. "Any excuse to linger, eh Cringer? You should--" Adam stopped short, because the ground began to quake beneath them. "What's that?" he said excitedly.

"Let's not stick around to find out!" cried Cringer. "Let's get back inside the Castle, Adam!"

"It's getting louder," said Adam. "It sounds like it's coming right for us. Come on, Cringer! Let's check it out," he called, and started running towards the front of the Castle.

"Ohhh dearrr, I was afraid you were going to say that," complained Cringer, but sprang after the Prince anyway.

The Front of Castle Grayskull

As he caught up to Prince Adam, Cringer saw him staring off into the distance. As he gazed in that direction, he saw a dust cloud that was steadily getting bigger, and causing the ground to shake more and more as they got closer. It seemed to be figures running towards them, and they were making a great commotion as they came. "Wh-what's that?" asked Cringer.

"Trouble," said Prince Adam, and without another word, he drew the sword that rested against his back. Hoisting it above his head, straight into the air, he shouted, "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!" Lightning crackled, thunder followed, and his voice thundered with it, "I HAVE THE POWERRRR!"

Instantly, he was transformed into the mighty He-Man, and without hesitation, he pointed it towards Cringer, who cowered momentarily before being changed into the fearsome Battle Cat! He roared mightily, and leapt to He-Man's side. He-Man mounted the saddle that Battle Cat wore, and they charged towards the cloud.

As the heroes got closer, they could see those at the front of the cloud. They were mostly a light gray with the bodies of men, heads like elephants, and their tusks made them seem fierce. They looked strong, were running towards them with great speed, and heralding their imminent arrival by trumpeting from their long noses. All except one who was in the lead. He was an albino white. As they got closer to Castle Grayskull, the white Elephant Man slowed, and the stampeding gray Elephant Men slowed with him. It was then that He-Man and Battle Cat could see the Evil Warriors behind them.

"Look, Battle Cat! It's Beast Man and Whiplash!" said He-Man.

"And Tri-Klops and Ninjor!" added Battle Cat.

"Then whatever this is, it can't be good," said He-Man with a scowl. "We'd better stop this now!" and Battle Cat bounded towards the Elephant Men and the Evil Warriors.

They hadn't gone far when they heard a roar, and were hit from the side, knocking He-Man from Battle Cat's saddle. "You've got your own problems to worry about, He-Man!" grumbled Rhino Man. Battle Cat growled loudly, and leapt at the attacker with a roar. The Evil Warrior simply flung his head around towards the great green-and-orange cat, and batted him aside with his horn. "You can't stop Rhino Man by yourself, kitty cat!"

"He's not by himself," came the voice of He-Man from behind him.

Rhino Man turned with a "Huh?" just in time to see He-Man's fist coming towards his face. It connected, and Rhino Man went flying backwards.

"He-Man! We've got to stop Rhino Man before those Elephant Men reach Castle Grayskull," growled Battle Cat.

"And we have to do it fast," agreed He-Man, and ran towards Rhino Man, who was getting up.

Further out from the Castle, Tri-Klops pointed and said, "Look, Beast Man! It's He-Man and Battle Cat!"

Beast Man growled, and said, "I can see that, you dimwit! Rhino Man will take care of him! We have to get these beasts moving again!"

Whiplash stepped forward and said, "Then that's what we're going to do!" The aligator man swished his great tail forward and snapped it at the elephantine creatures. "Get moving you stupid animals! Yah!"

Some of the Elephant Men began moving forward again, but Whiplash's tail struck towards the albino Elephant Man, and he caught the tail in his mighty hand. "No," he said. "I am not an animal! I am...a man!" As he jerked Whiplash forward by the tail, and punched him back again, he declared, "An Elephant Man!"

"Tri-Klops! Ninjor! Get him! And get them moving again!" Beast Man roared.

Tri-Klops' visor spun around, coming to rest with his blaster eye facing front. He let his gammavision loose, and blasted one of the Elephant Men. Unexpectedly, the gray Elephant Man disappeared, and the white Elephant Man got a little bigger.

"What?" gasped Tri-Klops.

Then, one by one, the gray Elephant Men disappeared in flashes of light, and the white Elephant Man grew bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until finally, he was nearly as big as Castle Grayskull itself! Beast Man, Tri-Klops, Ninjor, and Whiplash looked on in horror.

"You wanted me to move, little men?" said the now gigantic Elephant Man. "Then I will move!" Before any of them could react, he reached one giant hand towards them, and scooped them all up. Then he strode towards Castle Grayskull.

Elephant Man's change had not gone unnoticed by He-Man, Battle Cat and Rhino Man. They had stopped mid-fight to see him change into the giant before them. They were still staring in awe when he began to come towards them.

"That is one big problem," growled Battle Cat.

"He's magnificent," He-Man said with admiration.

"He's mine!" shouted Rhino Man, and he charged towards the gigantic Elephant Man.

Elephant Man saw the Evil Warrior running towards him, and did not stop. He smiled, and when Rhino Man was in range, he kicked him, sending him sailing over the heads of He-Man and Battle Cat, and crashing into the wall of Castle Grayskull where he bounced roughly, falling to the ground.

He-Man and Battle Cat observed this, and then turned towards Elephant Man as he got closer. In just a few more steps, he was on top of them. He looked down at them, and said, "I think these men have had enough," he said, dropping the four Evil Warriors in a heap on top of Rhino Man.

"I think you're right," agreed He-Man. "We'll have to make sure to find a way to let Skeletor know that his plan has failed."

"I think I know just the thing," chuckled Elephant Man as he scooped up the evil men. He drew his arm all the way back, and threw the five warriors in the direction of Snake Mountain. "That should let Skeletor know how things went!" He laughed a deep, thundering laugh, and then in flashes of light, he began shrinking until he stood before He-Man and Battle Cat at normal height, all of his gray Elephant Men standing with him.

Snake Mountain

"What is happening?" cried Skeletor. "I should have felt the power from Castle Grayskull by now!" he screamed.

"Perhaps Rhino Man was not enough to defeat He-Man?" asked Evil-Lyn.

"What?!" balked Skeletor. "Of course he was! Those fools should be back by now! Where are they?!" he complained.

Just then, he heard fearful yowling in the distance and it seemed to be getting closer. He looked out in that direction just in time to see his five Evil Warriors coming his way fast, all screaming through the air.

"What? You fools! Watch where you are flying! I forbid you to land here! I forb-- UGH!" he said as the five warriors flew into him and piled on him and Evil-Lyn in a heap.

"Get off of me, you dolts!" screamed Skeletor. "Do you hear? Get off of me this instant." He received only groans in return. "Get up! Get uuuuup!" he continued to scream.

"Ohhh," groaned Evil-Lyn. "You idiots."

Castle Grayskull

"They startled us at first," said Elephant Man, "but once I realized where they were herding us to, I would have no part of it. If you ever need us again, you have only to call on me, my friends," he said as he extended his hand.

He-Man clasped the hand of this new Heroic Warrior, and said, "We will, Elephant Man! You can count on it!"

Battle Cat roared in agreement, and the Elephant Men trumpeted victoriously.

The young man opened his mailbox and saw the ominous, black envelope addressed to Noah & Juno Hu. He turned it over in his hand several times on the way back into the apartment, and stood at the breakfast bar looking at it for a minute, before his wife looked up from the couch and saw the concern on his face.

"What is it, Noah?" she asked softly.

"I...I'm not sure," he said with some concern. If they were back in Chinatown, they both knew what this would mean. But here? In Larsen? He exchanged looks with his wife one more time, and then grabbed a knife from the silverware drawer. As he opened the envelope, he breathed a sigh of relief and laughed. "HA! It is only an invitation to your sister Wanda's fortieth birthday party!"

"Psht!" said Noah's wife, laughing with relief. "I've lost count, but I'm pretty sure she counted thirty-nine a couple of dozen times!"

"Now, Juno," cautioned Noah. "You should be nicer to your sister. You know she is not that old. Forty is hard for some people."

"Not for me!" Juno said happily. "I'm gonna be thirty-nine forever, baby! That's eighteen and twenty-one, all wrapped up in one package! That's cute little ol' me!" she cheered with a giggle.

"Oh ho, is that right?" laughed Noah.

"You better believe it," she said with an I dare you to say otherwise look. "Y'know what? C'mere."

Noah smiled as he crossed the living room. "Yeeess?" he said with a smile as he leaned on the back of the couch looking down at his petite wife.

"No, I meant down here!" she said as she jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck, dragging him over the back of the couch and on top of her.

They laughed and tickled and kissed for a long minute, before Juno put both hands on his chest and stopped. "You don't think she'll invite...you know...do you?"

Noah lost his smile. "To invite her would only invite trouble. Surely your sister would not do such a thing?"

"I hope not," pouted Juno. "I don't like that ginger harpy."

Noah pursed his lips for a moment, contemplating his wife and this new possibility for the party. "Best not to let it upset you. I think that even your sister could not hold a grudge for that long. She invited us to the party, right?" he said, kissing his wife gently.

"Hm," she hummed. "Well. You're probably right. It would only ruin her big day."

"Yes. One a couple of dozen years in the making," smiled Noah.

Juno couldn't help smiling back. Then they laughed. Then they kissed. For the moment, they forgot the black envelope and its invitation altogether.

***

The young, red haired woman looked in her mailbox and saw a black envelope.

William Dunn

The Faerie Market, near Wall:

William Dunn had not thought of World War II in many years. A strange weapon detonated by the enemy opened a hole in space and time, and a few in him as well. He was thrown here by the blast. Well, not here exactly, as he was currently in the Faerie Market. He had actually been cast into the woods between the Faerie Market and the town of Wall.

He barely made his way to the Market then, and was put back together by a a man he would be eternally grateful to, but also quite afraid of. William wasn't sure if he was that Doctor Frankenstein, but he certainly remembered scalpels, and wrenches, and needles, and hammers, and he was a little fuzzy on it, but he was pretty sure there was a blowtorch and a wand involved. Or perhaps it was just lightning through the doctor's skylights. Man or wizard, he had put Dunn back together again. More or less.

At any rate, William now had what amounted to a telescope for a right eye, but it sat on his face like a jeweler's glass. His right arm had wires and tubes running through it, and pistons that helped it bend. His entire hand on that arm had been replaced by a metal the likes of which he had never seen. It appeared to be brass, but he had yet to meet anything that could even dent it. This despite some of the fingers being hollow, and filled with various wonders. His favorite was actually the lighter in the tip of the thumb- the only thing the doctor had allowed him to suggest. There had been a few occasions to make use of it, but he mostly used it to light his pipe. His right knee and his left shoulder were the same metal as his hand, as was the big toe on his left foot. He wasn't sure that last bit was strictly necessary, but he sometimes used it as a blunt instrument while referring to it as his "hammer toe." Something else must have happened to his legs, because he could leap up to second floor balconies as if he were taking stairs two-at-a-time.

He was pretty sure Frankenstein was not the man known on his world, because bizarrely, he had also bonded Dunn's G.I. helmet to his head by means of a large screw at the top of his skull. He could remove the helmet in favor of a closer-fitting plate, but it was such a pain that he rarely bothered. He hardly noticed the discomfort anymore when he lay down to sleep, as he'd found ways to compensate for the helmet. The doctor had also bonded his watch to his left arm. It always kept flawless time, but he still had to wind it on occasion to keep his movements from becoming sluggish. It was annoying, but he figured it beat looking at the underside of a hill for the rest of his afterlife.

The true marvel of everything that had been done to him was his heart. It was covered at the chest by more of that metal, and with some strange, glowing crimson stone inside, both supporting and partially-replacing his heart. He figured that had to be something more Faerie than Frankenstein, but he was just grateful he had it. More than one fool had tried to take it from him.

He was looking for one of those fools now, as he was one of the enemy from his own world- one Herr Trigger. It was actually Auslöser, but he "translated it for the dumb Yanks." He had not only tried to steal the stone from Dunn's chest, he had actually stolen his pipe! That just wouldn't do. He figured Trigger would try to blend into the nearest crowd, and that was the Faerie Market. Will was looking for some kind of clue to his foe's trail, when he saw the Luftwaffe pin on the table of one of the Market stalls; a Gypsy wagon whose table was attended by a young girl who was preoccupied with a thin silver chain on her ankle. He might not have seen it if not for the sign hanging on the table. It read "YETI Authorized Dealer."

"Are you really authorized?" Will asked the girl at the table as he walked up.

It was when she looked up in surprise that he noticed her cat-like ears, and that the chain was not just jewelry. It actually ran from her ankle to a slat in the wagon's door. Surely it wasn't meant to hold her?

"I'm sorry?" the cat girl asked.

"Your sign says 'yeti authroized dealer.' Are you really authorized, or are you just selling the sign as a novelty?"

"The sign's real 'nuff," answered a voice from inside the wagon. As Will looked to the door, and old woman stepped out, overweight, with a patina colored, spiky attachment covering half her face. One of the spikes curved into her left eye socket, clearly filling empty space. A like-colored attachment ran the length of her right arm, giving sparse covering to the upper arm, but completely sheathing the forearm and hand. It had a red stone in the center of the back of the hand. "So's my dealership," she said in answer to his challenge. "Are youlooking for a yeti?"

Will scowled slightly, but nodded to the table. "Actually, I'm looking for the man that sold you those wings," he said pointing at the Luftwaffe pin.

"Really?" the woman said in surprise. "I only traded for them because I'd never seen their like before. He said they allowed him to fly, but I haven't had the chance to try them yet."

Dunn shook his head and chuckled. "I'm afraid they'll only work for him, Miss...?"

Sounding much more pleasant, the old woman said, "Madame Semele," as she proffered her left hand. "And how do you know what the wings can do, Mister...?"

"William Dunn," he answered, "and I know because Herr Trigger and I are from the same place. Or thereabouts. The wings grant him access to a flying machine. They don't actually give him any sort of ability."

Madame Semele's eyes lit up as she said, "A machine that flies? Marvelous!"

"I suppose it is," said Dunn. Playing to her wonderment and his own amusement, he said, "Where we come from, they're just sort of... plane, really."

"Plain?" she exclaimed. "I must see such a place where flying machines are plain!"

Dunn smiled genuinely. "It's not as remarkable as it sounds, Madame. Truly. Tell me though- you said the man traded these wings to you? For what?"

"Funnily enough, for a yeti!" she said with a laugh.

"You gave him a yeti for this trinket?" Will asked incredulously.

"He led me to believe it could let me fly," she said with an angry pout.

"Why did he want a yeti?" Will wondered aloud.

"How do I know?" the old woman barked, now closer to her original demeanor. "He wanted to go over the Ice Shelf, and you don't do that without a yeti. Now sir, if you're not buying anything today, I have work to do. Starting with notifying the Yeti Council that I have been bilked out of one of their brood," she said with aggravation as she turned back towards her wagon.

"Actually, do you have any more yeti?" Dunn inquired.

Half-turning back to him, Semele said sternly, "You'd do well not to waste my time, man. Yeti are expensive."

Dunn balked. "You traded one to Trigger for these wings!"

"Which I thought to be of great value!" she barked. "Do not taunt me, sir!"

"Perhaps Mister Dunn would have something of great value to trade for one of Madame's yeti," the cat girl asked with a purr.

"Don't interrupt when I'm talking business, Una!" Then, eyeing Dunn's wrist, Madame Semele said, "I'm partial to a good timepiece."

"It's attached, I'm afraid," he answered. "So's the helmet, before you ask."

"Bah," she grunted. "What do I want a helmet for anyway?"

"Madame?" Una said quietly.

"What, Una? What?!" the old lady barked impatiently.

"Is the ring of any value?" she asked, pointing to Will's left hand.

"Well?" demanded Semele. "Is it?"

Will thought for a moment, then held up his hand so Madame Semele could see it better. "It was," he answered. "It's called a 'power ring.' When charged, it can make anything you can think of. It also translates languages, and protects the wearer from harm. It's actually very low right now though, and I don't have the power battery with me. If you think you can trust me for it, I could trade you the ring for a yeti, and bring you the battery when I return."

"It can make anything," Semele asked hesitantly.

"Pick something," offered Will.

"Faerie folk," she said with almost girlish hope.

Will held the ring up so she could see it glow, and ten little faerie appeared to leap from the center of it, fluttering around his hand for a few moments before darting towards Madame Semele. She flinched before realizing they were just flying around her head, and they were smiling. She grabbed for one, and it disappeared in a puff of green smoke. She looked to the others, and they all disappeared in like fashion.

"Where did they go?" with disappointment in her voice, mixed only slightly with her customary anger.

"They're not real, Madame Semele," Will said with slight amusement. "They exist only as long as you will them to, and only as long as the ring has power. Do we have a deal?"

"Yes! Yes!" she cried happily, snatching the ring from his hand almost before he could get it off of his finger. Then she darted into the wagon. A minute later, she came out with a yeti. It was four feet high, and it seemed a little pudgy to Will. It had a silver chain identical to Una's around its ankle leading back to the wagon.

"A pup?" he almost spat.

Madame Semele was taken aback. "What?" she said defensively. "Yeti pups are easier to control, easier to store, and as they're not fully grown, they have a longer shelf life for the dealer. A buyer is rare, you know." Then actually smiling, she said, "No one is going to believe I sold two in one day."

Will scowled, but bent down to the young yeti. "Can you show me your teeth?"

The yeti growled, opening its mouth wide as it did so. The growl sounded nothing like the roar of an attacking adult. It sounded like the strangled whine of imperiled tiger cubs.

"Mm-hm," Will hummed with satisfaction. "And your claws?"

The pup held out its hand, and the claws were a bluish-black hue against his white fur. Will took his hand and turned it over to examine the other side. He could feel strength in the yeti's grip, but merely that of a full grown man; nowhere near what it would be when he was an adult yeti.

"And can I see your eyes?" he asked.

The yeti blew at the fur covering his eyes, but moved it only slightly. It gave a brief glimpse at the dark eyes hidden behind its bangs, but then they were covered again.

"Hold on a minute," said Semele. Turning towards her wagon once again, she called, "Edward!"

Will looked at her in surprise. "How many live in your wagon, Madame?"

Semele smiled with true humor, and simply said, "Well. It's bigger on the inside."

"Ah, I see," said Will, deciding from her undertone that it was best to pursue his curiosity no further.

"Edward!" she called again, and was immediately answered by the door to the wagon swinging open.

Out stepped a tall, lanky young man with pale, nearly albino skin, and disheveled black hair. He was dressed in black leather from neck to feet, and his hands had the strangest attachments Will had ever seen- all blades. Knives mostly, but he saw scissors there too. He also had a silver chain around his ankle, attaching him to the wagon.

"Remarkable," muttered Will.

"Edward, be a dear and trim the fur out of the yeti's eyes, will you?" Semele asked, almost sweetly. "I'll be right back," she added as she headed into her wagon.

Edward stepped forward, and examined the yeti's face for a few moments before his hands made a few swishing noises, and the yeti's eyes appeared, now exposed under nicely trimmed bangs. Will looked pleased, but still looked at Edward in astonishment. Edward noticed him looking, and stared back for a moment. Then he leaned forward suddenly to Will, and whispered strongly, "I don't belong here."

"I should say not," agreed Will. "So why don't you leave? Surely those hands of yours could make short work of that chain?"

Edward looked down at his ankle quite sadly, and stabbed one finger blade just under the chain, letting it glide over the back of the blade as he lifted it up for Will to see. With the scissors on his other hand, he snipped the chain in two. As it fell away, Will was amazed to see the chain pieces reattach themselves, looking as if they'd never been cut.

"Of course I've tried," said Edward. Before he could say anything else, Madame Semele came back outside with some papers in her hand.

"You'll need these," she said handing the papers to Will. "Proof of ownership of the yeti."

"Does 'the yeti' have a name?" asked Will.

"Who knows?" she balked. Slapping Edward in the chest, she snapped, "Get back in the wagon already!"

Edward looked at Will and nodded once before turning away sadly, and shuffling back to the wagon.

"Perhaps we could find out," Will said. "May I show you something with the ring?" he asked with his hand out.

The old woman smacked his hand away, and said, "You may not! Do you really think I'd give you the yeti, and then give you the ring back too?"

"Madame Semele! You wound me," Will said seriously. "I would not cheat our bargain." Holding up one finger, he said, "Will you hold out your fist then, and allow me to touch the ring?"

Semele squinted at him suspiciously, but held out her tightly closed fist. Will touched the outstretched finger to the ring, and asked the young yeti, "What is your name, child?"

The yeti became very excited to hear Will's words as a series of growls, barks, and purrs. It growled back excitedly, and the ring translated it to, "Migo! My name is Migo! You can understand me?!"

"I can for now, but when I stop touching the ring, I won't be able to anymore. So let me ask you- can you lead me across the Ice Shelf? Help me catch up to Herr Trigger and the yeti he took with him?"

"Mirka! He took Mirka! Yes, I can help you find them!" he said excitedly.

"Okay then. Do that, and know that I will treat you well," answered Will.

"Will you help me find my family?" asked Migo.

Dunn smiled softly. "I think that can be arranged, Migo," and he took his finger off of the power ring. Then he ruffled the fur on the yeti's head with his human hand.

"You can really help Migo find his family?" Una asked with joy.

"Shut up, girl!" Semele spat, and she reared back her spiky attachment to backhand the girl with it.

Will caught it in his metal hand instead. "I don't think that's necessary, Madame Semele." She glowered menacingly, but he didn't notice, as he was looking at the attachment covering her hand. Reaching in his pocket for a gold coin, he held it up to the woman and said, "Tell me about this attachment of yours. Its stone glows like the one attached to my heart, and I've only seen one similar to this. It belonged to the leader of the Thunderians."

"Pft!" balked Semele. "The Thunderians? That pitiful Claw Shield could nothope to compare to the Witchblade!" She laughed haughtily as she jerked the gauntlet out of Will's grip. "Take those wings too! Make that shyster give over something of real value, or forfeit his yeti. You can bring either back when you bring me the battery for the ring." She turned her back and stalked to her wagon, waving dismissively over her shoulder. As the door was swinging shut behind her, she called out, "Una, you slattern! Close the table! We're done for the day!"

Una pressed the Luftwaffe pin into Will's hand, and quietly said, "Thank you for helping Migo!"

Will glanced at her chain, and said, "I only wish I could help you as well."

"My help is coming from elsewhere," she said simply. "Barring that, Semele has willing given in to the evil within the Witchblade. It will kill her eventually, and I will be free then." She said it with no malice, only the patience one has for absolute, inescapable truths.

Will smiled at her, then held out his hand. "Come, Migo." The young yeti took his hand, and they walked away.

Una watched them for only a few moments before attending to closing her table.

Later

As they approached the mountain, Migo became very excited.

"You recognize this place, Migo?" asked Will.

Migo growled happily, and practically skipped next to William.

He laughed and said, "Well? Lead on then!"

Migo bounded off on all fours, outpacing Dunn a bit, but not getting out of his sight. Will ran behind until they got far enough up the mountain path to be on snowy terrain. He slogged through shin deep snow not very long at all before he found himself surrounded by adult yeti. They looked at each other for long moments before Will said, "I don't know if you can understand me without my ring, but I know where Mirka is too."

"Mirka is with us," said a tall male yeti. Will was clearly dumbfounded that he understood what was said. "We can speak your language. We just prefer not to."

Will gave a brief chuckle. "Shrewd, Kang Admi. I'm glad to hear Mirka is back with you as well, but what of the man that was with him?"

"He is no more. He hurt some of my clan with this," he said, holding out a Luger to Will.

Will took the gun from him, and put it in his pocket. "I'm sorry to hear that. Will they be okay?"

"Not all of them," Kang said. "He also had this," he added, handing Will a folded paper.

Dunn opened it, and saw that it was a map. "Oh, brilliant!" he said. "This will help me immensely. But I will still need a guide to get me over the Ice Shelf. Is that possible?"

"Not until my injured are healed," he said. "Men should not be here until they are. You should go back now. I will take you down the mountain until we reach the end of the trees."

Seeing that it was not a request, and that there would be no arguing with Kang, Will simply said, "Alright then. I'm ready." Kang growled something to the other yeti, and they all shuffled silently back into the trees. Will noticed that their long fur dragged behind them, wiping the snow clean of footprints. Then he and Kang turned to go.

They walked quietly for a few minutes. Kang finally broke the silence with, "William Dunn."

"Yes?" asked Will.

"Thank you." Will said nothing. "For returning my children. Thank you. The yeti will forever be your friend."

"My pleasure, Kang Admi," Will said. "What's being done to your clan is wrong. I'll help whenever I can."

Kang stopped and looked at the man for a long minute. Then he nodded. They continued on in silence down the mountain.

Inherit the Earth

We had been in space for eight weeks, and in that time had orbited the earth eight hundred ninety-six times. We had been waiting for our payload to come into range for most of that time. There were four of us; two crew and two scientists. One was Ruby Quartz- a geologist, meant to get a closer examination of the payload- a vaguely glowing hunk of space rock about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle- before we took it into Earth's atmosphere. The other was Xavier Teck- some kind of radiologist, there to find out what gave the rock its luminescent quality. There was Takeo Shot, my co-pilot and chief troubleshooter who to his dismay had spent a lot of our time in space chasing one troubling gremlin after another. And there was me- Peter Salt- captain of this tub, and with my hands in a little bit of everything.

Once the asteroid was close enough it took us only four revolutions to capture it with the arm, and bring it into the shuttle's cargo bay. It was a tense six hours, but we finally had it. Xavier couldn't determine what sort of energy was causing the asteroid to glow. It was spiking all of his meters for energy output, but flatlining the radiation meters. Ruby made her examination, and confirmed that the rock was comprised of extraterrestrial materials. So yes it came from space, and no it wasn't making any of us sick.

I radioed Mission Control. "Houston, we have acquired, examined, and secured the payload, and we are ready to set course for home. Over."

The com squelched, and Houston answered, "Roger that, Clayton. Fire thrusters and angle for reentry into Earth's atmosphere. Over." The squelch was just a sound effect that Mission Control added into the now-digital transmissions. Completely unnecessary, but it was tradition, and it played well to anyone watching it on television.

With a smile, I said, "Way ahead of you, Control. We are ready to come home. The Clayton will begin reentry in twelve minutes. Over."

"Copy that, Clayton. We'll be reading your instruments' transmissions until you hit the atmosphere, and then there will be three minutes of radio silence as you pass through the blackout zone. Over."

"Confirmed, Control. This is Clayton, ending transmission as we prepare for reentry."

"Godspeed, Clayton," answered control.

I turned the com off, and spoke into the shipboard mic, "Well? What's the first thing everyone wants to do when we get home?"

Shot answered first. "I want a burger. No- three burgers. If I have to eat one more MRE, I'm going to lose it." He smiled good naturedly as he knew that no one was a fan of our meal packs.

"I'm going to sleep for a week," chimed in Teck. "This crate's had me on call danged near twenty-four/seven. I'm due for some downtime."

"I've had enough of this space rock," answered Quartz. "I just want to set my feet back on terra firma and enjoy the solid ground."

"Ah, Quartz," I said, pointing out the window, "How can you choose solid ground over that?"

We were all silent for a minute as we took in the wonder of the Earth coming into full view.

"It is beautiful," Quartz finally agreed, "but what use is looking at it, if you don't get to enjoy it for yourself?"

"Amen to that, sister," answered Teck.

"Amen to that," agreed Shot.

I smiled, and whispered into the com, "Amen to that." Then checking the reentry clock, I said, "Alright, everyone strap in. We are four minutes away from reent--"

I was interrupted by the blaring of warning klaxons.

"What the devil?" asked Shot.

"Something's shifted the payload!" I barked. "It's come loose and is bouncing against the bay doors! If they come open, we won't live through reentry!"

Shot grabbed a wall, and pulled himself towards the cargo bay. Gliding weightlessly, he called back, "I'm on it!"

"I'm right behind you," called Teck, repeating Shot's maneuver.

The Clayton began to shimmy hard as we approached the atmosphere. "Make it quick, gentlemen! We are two minutes thirty from reentry! Houston! We have a problem!" I barked into the radio.

As I filled in Mission Control, Teck and Shot were in the bay. "Quick! Grab the lifelines!" shouted Shot. Both men clipped into the lines that would keep them tethered to the ship if the bay doors came open. No sooner had they done that when the doors buckled under the onslaught of the loose payload. "The arm!" called Shot. "Grab the payload with the arm!"

Teck quickly manned the arm's control, and managed to grab the rock with the claw. Then the doors gave way, and the vacuum of space pulled against everything in the cargo bay. Almost instantly, Shot was pulled out of the ship to the full length of his tether. The control arm was wrenched at an odd angle, and was almost fully extended out of the ship. Teck had managed to hold onto a handle next to the arm's controls.

"Reel it back in!" called Shot. "Reel it back in, or we are lost!"

Teck tapped the controls, but the arm barely moved. "It's twisted!" he shouted.

"Do it manually!" shouted Shot over the com. "Those doors have to close!" He began pulling himself in by the tether, but was moving slowly.

Xavier found the manual controls. It was difficult due to the arm being twisted, but he managed to winch it back into the bay.

"One minute to reentry! How's it coming back there," I called.

"Close the doors!" Shot commanded.

"You're still out there!" shouted Xavier.

"Close the doors!" repeated Takeo.

"I'm not leaving you out there!" Teck cried desperately.

"It's not your choice," answered Shot, and then he unclipped his tether, and tumbled backwards into space.

"NOOOOOOOO!" shouted Xavier.

"Thirty seconds!" I called.

Xavier took a deep breath and hit the button to close the doors. He watched Takeo tumble farther away from the ship until the doors finally shut.

Then we hit the atmosphere. Mission Control was still barking out questions and orders as we hit the blackout zone.

"The cargo bay is closed, Captain, but the doors were damaged by the payload! I don't know if we can do this!" called Xavier.

"Keep your head and get in here!" I answered back. "Where's Takeo? I need him up here now!"

"He...he didn't make it," was Xavier's quiet reply.

"Quartz! Get up here!" I barked.

"Me?" she said fearfully.

"I need help on the stick!" I shouted. "If we don't get this nose up, we are going to start burning really quickly! MOVE!"

Quartz sort of drifted, sort of fell into the seat beside me, and grabbed the co-pilot's stick without bothering to strap in. She pulled for all she was worth, and I pulled with her. It seemed like forever as the nose pulled up, and we could hear ceramic tiles peeling off of the underbelly and slamming into other parts of the ship. We were feeling the heat, and I have no idea when we started screaming. The ship shook violently, but the heat finally started to die down, followed by our screaming, and then the radio crackled back to life.

"Mission Control, this is Clayton. Do you read?" I said into the mic as calmly as possible.

There was no answer.

I checked the readouts and repeated, "Mission Control, this is Clayton. Do you read?"

No answer.

"Houston?" I said into the mic a little less calm, but trying to hold it together so I didn't freak out Quartz and Teck. They were only scientists, after all. They had trained for this mission, but weren't astronauts before this. "Houston, this is Captain Peter Salt of the Clayton. Come in, please."

Nothing.

I checked the readouts again, and pointing to our GPS, I told Quartz, "We're on our own. You see that red star?"

She nodded.

"That's our landing strip. We have to make it there before this fancy plane runs out of fuel and turns into a fancy rock. You're going to call out the numbers from that readout there," I said pointing, "and I'm going to land her. Okay?"

She nodded.

"Your voice, Quartz! Use your voice!" I barked, trying to keep her focused.

"I heard you!" snapped Quartz. "I read the numbers, you land!"

I nodded. "Good. Teck? Where are you at?" I called into the com.

No answer.

"Teck!" I barked.

Nothing again.

"Ahhh, crud!" I fumed. "We'll have to figure that out later," I told Quartz. Start reading the numbers."

Quartz read, and I flew. It seemed like an eternity, but was only minutes until we were on approach to our landing in Texas. "Dangit," I said through gritted teeth.

"What?" asked Quartz anxiously.

"Our front landing gear is jammed. Maybe damaged by a tile coming loose. Maybe fused by the heat of reentry. I don't know. We're landing with just the back wheels," I said in frustration.

"Can we do that?" Quartz asked. She sounded almost calm.

"We don't have much of a choice," I said as we descended. "We are on approach and low on fuel. We can't make it to our secondary landing site, and if we could we'd still have the same problem when we got there." I sighed deeply. "We're landing here. Ready?"

Quartz said, "Like you said: I don't have much of a choice."

We looked at each other, we nodded, and I glided her in. The ship shook as the back landing gear touched down on the runway, bounced, and touched down again. Then the nose dipped and crashed into the tarmac, and we skidded hard until the ground grabbed the nose hard, and we spun horizontally out of control. There was nothing to do but hang on for dear life, and that was the last thought I had before the ship slammed into something violently, and I blacked out.

I don't know how long I was out, but I woke up leaning against the harness of my flight chair. I guess if rescue crews hadn't swarmed the shuttle yet, then I hadn't been out long. I looked to my right, and was horrified to see Quartz through a hole in the shuttle wall, lying in a heap outside on the runway. The trail of her innards told the tale: she had apparently been impaled on her flight controls, then ripped away from them violently by the crash. I could only stare numbly. Finally, I whispered, "At least you made it to terra firma, Quartz."

Hearing no sirens or voices, I struggled out of my flight restraints, and made my way back to the cargo bay. Through the window, I could see the charred remains of Teck who had apparently burned on reentry. The payload sat inert, not even glowing. "Poor devil," I muttered.

I made my way off of the shuttle, and was greeted by... no one. Not a single soul. No rescue crews, no news choppers, no radio transmissions from Control. Nothing. And what happened to this facility? The buildings were in clear disrepair, and the runway was cracked, and the cracks full with weeds. Further down the runway, I saw a wing, and what had made us spin. A tree! Growing right in the middle of the cracked runway! How in blue blazes?

I walked the distance to the Mission Control Center, and found it unmanned. TV's showed only blue screens if they worked at all. Computers would boot, but their clocks showed only zeroes rather than an actual time. I finally found one that was hooked to the satellites monitoring the Earth and objects that might interfere with vessels in near-Earth orbit. They showed the same story the world over- deserted. I accessed a satellite's clock which was solar powered; date reading 2460. How had I landed over four hundred years in the future, and what happened to the people?

5th Column Comics: Heironymous in Indigo, Part 4 - Pink Dragon

Indigo City- hotel room of Agents Heironymous and Salt:

Heironymous shook Salt's shoulder lightly. "Hey, partner, time to wake up," he said low but commanding. When she stirred slightly and opened her eyes, he held out the bottle of water in his other hand, and reached into his coat pocket for two aspirins.

The bruised side of her face twitching slightly from the pain, she sat up and took the offered items from him. Putting the aspirins into her mouth one-at-a-time, she sipped the water, turned it over in her mouth a few times, and then swallowed. Clearly assessing her pain, she sipped a bit more, then said, "What time is it?"

"Noon," he answered.

"Looks like you've been up and about for awhile," she said sleepily, rolling her neck back and forth gingerly until it popped.

"Since about three," he acknowledged. "I got a text from the Prince. He said you got here about eight last night. You ready to get back to work?"

"Back to...?" she said groggily, gathering her thoughts. "Are we going back to the foundry?"

"No," said Heironymous. "We caught a case."

"Heading back to Washington then?" she said.

"The case is here," he said, reaching into the closet for one of Salt's suits.

"Here?" she said, sounding genuinely confused.

"The Indigo City International Bank and Trust was robbed last night. They need us there to represent the Treasury."

"What'd they get," she said, taking the suit from Heironymous, and motioning for him to turn around.

Turning to face the wall, he continued, "At first, they thought it was just the safety deposit boxes, but this morning they realized that all of the cash in the vault was gone too. About thirty-five million dollars."

Salt exhaled not quite in a whistle due to the swelling in her face, then groaned a gruff, disgusted noise. "Damned samurai," she whispered as she put on her shirt. Then louder, she asked, "How did they not notice a missing thirty-five million last night?"

"It looked like the cash hadn't been touched last night. Then they started inventorying it this morning, and they discovered that it was counterfeit."

"They didn't inventory it last night?" Salt said as she pulled on her slacks and cinched her thin belt.

"The vault was closed and locked. They assumed it hadn't been violated, and since it was on time lock, they couldn't check. Can I turn around now?" Heironymous asked.

"Yeah, but can you hand me my shoes, please?" she asked, pointing to her feet. "If I bend over to get them, the blood rush to my head makes my jaw pound."

"Here, let me," said Heironymous, lowering to one knee, and sliding her shoes onto her feet. Tying them, he smiled and said, "There you go, partner."

"Thanks," said Salt, as she adjusted the clasp on her watch. "How do they know the counterfeit money wasn't already there?"

"Indigo is unstable in almost every way right now," said Heironymous. "It's the closest to the Old West in the Modern City as you're likely to see. They can't afford for anything to happen to a bank covering their international investments and trade, so they inventory it every morning. Yesterday, the cash was all real."

Crystal swung her jacket around her shoulders and slid her arms into the sleeves in almost one fluid motion. Then she swayed a little, closing her eyes momentarily as she restored her balance.

Heironymous caught her by the elbow and asked gently, "Are you alright?"

"A little dizzy," confirmed Salt. "Docs suggested medical leave."

"You want to sit this one out?" asked her partner. "You know I can take care of myself."

"Like hell," she said. Handing him the keys off the dresser, she added, "But you drive."

Indigo City International Bank and Trust:

"I see what you were saying," Crystal said to Heironymous. "This looks pristine, aside from what they touched this morning."

"Yep," was all he said.

"Was anyone here? Security? Anyone hurt?" she asked.

"Two guards that time of night. They caught darts to the neck. Died quickly," said Heironymous, holding up the darts in an evidence bag.

"'Died?'" said Salt. "What the hell was on the darts?"

Heironymous took one and pressed it up against his fingertip through the bag. It didn't pierce his skin, but some of the poison secreted onto his finger, turning it pink. Looking at it for a few seconds, he said, "My guess would be hydrogen cyanide."

"That's a pretty specific guess, partner," Salt said, clearly expecting an explanation.

Heironymous sighed. "Seen it before. We're looking for a thief and assassin named Pink Dragon."

Crystal sighed and rolled her eyes. "Just how many dragons are there these days? Is she one of yours?"

"No," said Heironymous. "Not even from my neighborhood. She's from Thailand, home of the shocking pink dragon millipede. They secrete hydrogen cyanide that turns their shells a bright pink which is where she gets both the poison for her darts and her name."

"Exotic assassins. Greaaat," said Salt.

There was a rush of air and a pop between them, and there stood a woman in a bright pink costume. She quickly held up a sword to Crystal's chin. "Also an exceptional thief," she said smugly. Holding her free hand out to Heironymous, she said, "The darts. I really hate to leave them behind."

"Pink Dragon," said Heironymous. "This is just showing off."

"Well, it goes with my name," she said. "My full name," she added. "Shocking Pink Dragon!" and with that, an electric charge ran through the sword and left Salt twitching on the floor. Catching Heironymous by surprise, she snatched the bag of darts from his hand, and teleported away with another popping rush of air. Reappearing at the front door by a surprised detective, she touched him with the sword and shocked him before winking at Heironymous and saying, "Ta!" Then she teleported, and was gone.

Heironymous sighed. "Damn. As if Ascalon wasn't enough to deal with in this city."

Tartarus High

"Oh there you are! Come on! You're going to be late for freshman orientation!" My senior guide, Iris Wings, grabbed me by the elbow, and pulled me after her. "We've got to catch up to the group! Hurry!"

She broke into a run, and I kind of stumbled after her, because the wings on her back were helping to propel her, and I was too busy gawking at the place. "Iris, I'm coming! Give me a break!" I mean, I'd seen pictures, of course, but this...this was just...

"WELCOME TO TARTARUS HIGH, FRESHMEN!" a skinny boy in glasses blustered a little too loudly. "HOME OF THE TITANS! GOOOOO TITANS!" he cheered, pumping his fist in the air, and then I thought he was going to do a backflip, but it turned out he had just thrown himself a little off balance. He straightened himself, and continued, "Also the home of the Pantheon Paper, and since this is the home of the Titans, also home of Cerberus the mascot!" Nearby students barked raucously at the mention of Cerberus. "I'm Hermes Caduceus by the way. Any questions before we--"

"Oh. Em. Gee. And. Gee," said a freshman girl in disgust. She wore a dark gray hoodie that was pulled up over her blonde hair, some of which poked out from the front. It cast her face in dark shadow, but she sounded cute. Even when she said, "There's some dork running around campus in a three headed dog costume?"

Hermes was slightly taken aback. "No. What gave you that idea?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "You just said Cerberus was our mascot." Nearby students barked again.

"Right," said Hermes, his tone cheerfully congratulating her for paying attention.

"Soooo," said the girl, waiting for Hermes to clue in. When he didn't, she prompted, "Cerberus is the mascooot?" Students barked again. "Mascots wear costuuumes?"

"OH! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Hermes laughed hysterically. Then soberly, he held up a finger, then used it to push his glasses back up his nose, and said, "No. Cerberus is our mascot." Students barked again. "But there's no costume involved."

The girl stared blankly.

Hermes laughed diplomatically. "Uh, hellooo? Tartarus High? Home of the Titans? You took the ferry to get here?"

"That was...?" I interrupted. "He just looked at my student pass before bringing me across."

"Mine too," murmured a few others in the group.

"Special contract," confided Hermes, seemingly proud of the arrangement. Looking back to the girl, he said, "So. Tartarus. Titans. Ferry. Big, furry, three headed mutt guards Tartarus, because the Titans are prisoners here?"

"OH MY GODS AND GODDESSES!" shouted the girl. "THE ACTUAL CERBERUS IS OUR MASCOT? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" She was so loud that students barked all across the quad.

"Huh," I said. "I thought he was an aardvark."

"Easy mistake," said Hermes, "but the name's different."

I shrugged at the correction. "Okay."

Looking back towards the ferry, the girl yelled, "WE ARE SO GOING TO TALK WHEN I GET HOME, DADDY!" Turning back to the group, she stomped once and fumed, "ARGH!"

Iris started, "Your dad is--"

Then, the freshmen's eyes got big, and she said, "Wait. Are we prisoners here?"

"What?" gasped Iris, then laughed.

Hermes laughed too. "BWAH-HA-HA-HA! Oh my gosh, no! That's just the lower levels! HA-HA! Phew." Then he pushed his glasses back up his nose again, and added, "Oh, by the way: never go to the lower levels."

"Is it that bad?" I asked.

Hermes rocked backwards a little as he laughed and clasped his hands in front of him. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's just the Titans- the original Titans- are still prisoners there, and Cerberus--" Students barked. "--He guards them whenever he's not at the games, and he will eat you. We don't like feeding him freshmen." The group giggled, and Hermes said seriously, "It gives him indigestion. You don't want that. Freshmen have cleanup duty." About half of the giggling changed to looks of horrified disgust. Hermes didn't laugh to tell us that it was a joke.

"MOVING ON!" said Hermes.

"Wait a second, Hermes," said Iris. Turning to the girl who freaked out over the mascot, she said, "Your dad is--?"

The girl rolled her eyes, but sighed and raised her hand in front of her, "Yes. Sharon Boatman," she said, pointing to herself. "My dad drives the ferry."

Some of the freshmen were obviously creeped out. I just looked at her, and said, "Cool. Does he still take the... y'know," I said, pointing at my eyes.

Sharon smiled, a little embarrassed. "Yeah. He still takes the coins from the dead." She flopped her arms against her sides a couple of times, and said, "I keep trying to get him to roll them and put them in the bank, but he just won't do it. We've got so many plastic jugs full of those things around the house, it's ridiculous."

Everyone was stock still, just staring at her.

"I'm kidding, you guys," she said, shaking her head, and starting out ahead of the group. I couldn't help laughing.

Hermes shook it off, and ran to get ahead of her again, continuing right where he left off. "You'll notice that the campus is modeled after Olym--"

"HERMES!" yelled a girl from somewhere in a group of sirens approaching us. "TELL THOSE FRESHMEN NOT TO LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T EVENLOOK AT ME!" she ranted as the group brushed by us.

One of the other freshmen turned to watch them go, and Iris quickly cupped a hand over his eyes, "HEY! Weren't you listening? Don't look at her!"

The boy pulled Iris' hand away, and looked at her petulantly. "Perseus Valor looks where he will." The group of sirens stopped and parted as Perseus raised his chin defiantly and looked towards them.

"LOOK AWAY!" shouted Hermes, and we all complied.

All except Perseus. A bit forlornly, the girl in the center of the group said, "You asked for it," and Perseus whimpered before turning to stone. Then the sirens closed around the girl, and their clique moved on.

We were all in shock. We just stared at Perseus. "Oh, Styg'," Iris said a bit sadly. "Help me move him?" she asked me. We stood him next to a tree. Patting Valor's stone cheek, she said, "Maybe next time, you'll listen."

"Who was that?" I asked.

"She's a junior," Iris said quietly.

"That," said Hermes, having gathered the group around the tree, "was Stygio Medusa. Yes, of thoseMedusas. So when she says don't look at her, don't look at her. Lucky for this guy," he said, rapping his knuckles against Perseus' head, "she's like twenty-fifth generation or something like that. So he'll be back to his normal hard-headedness in about ten minutes or so." Snapping his fingers to get everyone's attention back from Perseus, Hermes led us back on the tour, and stopped by the stadium. It looked like any other track and football field combo, but there was a guy in the middle swinging a hammer with lightning crackling off of it.

"Who is he?" asked a girl from the group. It was Aphrodite Cyprus. We'd gone to middle school together, and I thought she was beautiful, but she didn't even know who I was.

Hermes sighed with a bit of resignation at having to answer. "That's Thornton Thunderhead. Champion hammer thrower."

"And he's a senior," sneered a long haired blonde near the gate. "So get your eyes off him before I let Fenris eat them out of your head, fresh meat!" As she said that, her gigantic dog barked and growled at us, straining against an impossibly thin leash that managed to hold him.

"SIF SIRNGURD!" shouted Iris.

Sif glared.

"Quit being a witch," warned Iris.

Sif sneered, but turned away. Then we heard a less-than-innocent, "Oops," and Fenris broke away and bolted right for us.

The group suddenly widened away from Aphrodite, Hermes and Iris flying upwards just out of the dog's jumping range. Fenris bore down on her, snarling and drooling, but Cyprus stood her ground, smiled, and happily squealed, "Puppyyyy!" Fenris just made a confused noise, and sat down right in front of her. She smiled again, and he stood up panting, and happily wagging his tail. He jumped about playfully. Aphrodite reached one hand out and scratched his head, and used the other to scratch under his chin. "Aw, who's a good boy, huh? Who's a good boy? You are! Yes, you are!" She scrunched her nose when she smiled, and Fenris licked her face.

Sif, watching the whole time, stormed up to them, grabbed up Fenris' leash, and jerked him back away from Aphrodite.

Aphrodite just shrugged. "Dogs like me," she said with a smile.

"I'll bet they do," growled Sif.

"Sif! I mean it! Be nice," warned Iris as she and Hermes touched back down to the ground. "Or I'll tell everyone that you pluck your hair to walk your dog! Oops," she said, mocking the way Sif had said it, "did I say that out loud?"

Sif narrowed her eyes at Iris, but said nothing. She glared at Aphrodite, and seethed, "And he's a wolf." Then she stalked away silently, jerking Fenris' thin chain to make him follow.

Aphrodite just waved at Sif's back. Fenris saw her and yipped happily before Sif jerked his chain again.

Clearly ignoring the tension between the three girls, Hermes jumped back in with, "Anyone here going into any sports? You think you've got what it takes to become a Titan? A mighty, mighty, Titan?" he said, making slow cheerleading waves with his arms. "I'm a sprinter, obviously," he said, plucking at one of the wings on his shoes. It made a springy noise.

I raised my hand slightly. "I was thinking about going out for javelin."

The whole group was suddenly looking at me. Clearly surprised, Hermes said, "Javvvvelin? Really? You think you've got what it takes to throw lightning bolts?" he said with some doubt.

I shrugged. "Sure. I've been doing it for awhile anyway. My parents pushed me to get some sidekick credits before I got here."

"Sidekick credits?" asked Iris. "The only sidekick I know of that throws lightning bolts is--"

"O MIGHTY GODS!" shouted Sharon. "YOU'RE KID JUPITER!?" she nearly squealed.

Once again, she was so loud that she drew the attention of the entire quad.

I looked out at the other students and grimaced a little. I was really hoping this wouldn't get out so fast. "Just Jared Jupiter these days," I answered quietly.

"WAIT A MINUTE" Hermes shouted ecstatically. "You worked with Doctor Zeus?! THE Doctor Zeus?"

"THE PRINCIPAL?!" the freshmen shouted in unison.

I winced. "He's...he's my dad, actually," I confessed.

"No wonder you weren't freaked out by my dad," said Sharon.

Elbow resting on his ribs, Hermes pointed at me and said, "Wait. Wouldn't that make you Jared Zeus?"

I shrugged. "Parents are divorced. Mom took his Roman name as part of the settlement, and had mine changed."

"Wait," said a boy in the group, slightly taller than the rest of us, and definitely bigger built. "You tellin' me that your dad is Doc Zeus?"

I nodded.

Ignoring me, he quoted, "'I shall not give him one or two? I shall not give him three or four? I shall not give him five or six? I'll give him those, and still six more?'That Doc Zeus?"

I nodded again. "Y-yeah."

He punched me square in the face, knocking me down.

"HEY!" shouted Hermes. "What the heck, freshman? What's your name?"

Pointing a thumb at his chest, he leaned towards Hermes boldly and declared, "Hercules Hero!" Then leaning down towards me he pointed a finger in my face, and spat, "And do you know how many times I've heard that stupid rhyme over the years? I hate that rhyme!"

Without getting up, I said weakly, "If it helps, me and dad aren't that fond of it either. Apollo Jettix made it up."

Kicking dirt at me, he shouted, "IT DOESN'T! I hate that danged rhyme! I hate Apollo Jettix! I hate your dad! And I hate Kid Jupiter, too!" Then he bucked like he was going to hit me again. When it made me jump, he just smirked angrily and stalked away.

"Well," said Hermes, clasping his hands in front of him again, "looks like this is going to be a fun year." Pushing his glasses back up his nose, he said, "Alright, come on, we have to get to classes. Let's go!" and he led the group back towards the main building- a massive Corinthian dome with columns and arches, ringed with fluffy white clouds.

I stood up, dusted myself off, and started after them. This was not how I was hoping to start my high school career.

*************

Note of trivia: I started to call this Olympus High, then changed it to Pantheon High, but something kept bugging me. So I looked it up and found out that Pantheon High is an American manga. So I went back to Olympus High, but then decided to look that up just to be safe. Turns out that Olympus High is an actual high school in Holladay, Utah, and their teams are in fact called the Titans. So I kept the team name, and changed the school name to Tartarus High. Looked it up- I'm the first to use it apparently. Whew. -cb :}

Larsen Police Departmental Drug Memo: XLR8R (aka Lite-Speed; In-A-Blur)

XLR8R (“accelerator”) is a drug that gives the user superspeed, and was developed by the criminal XL, who is also a user of the drug. It makes the user think faster which is its chief allure, often being bought by college students. Students often refer to it as In-A-Blur, because it’s an “enabler,” allowing them to think and do things “in a blur.” You may also hear it referred to as Lite-Speed, because it makes ordinary speed seem like a downer. Designed to be addictive, addicts will often use their speed to commit crimes. Many addicts committing robberies have accidentally killed their victims by striking them at superspeed while running. If caught, they are charged with manslaughter on the first offense (rather than involuntary manslaughter, since they voluntarily took the drug) and murder on subsequent offenses.

Not working the same as superspeed gained through other means, XLR8R accelerates the body’s metabolism, burning away fat at first, which is another reason that people get into the drug. Unfortunately, with its addictive properties, most go too far, and the drug starts metabolizing muscle too. Many addicts die from this, overusing the drug to the point of their bodies metabolizing everything it can until they die from massive cardiac failure; their bodies shriveled to the bones. Addicts who die like this, or who are clearly headed that way, are commonly referred to as a “jerky,” rather than “junkie,” and are said to be “overR8ed” (“overrated”). They are also called Suicide Runners, since the super speed most often leads to their death.

“OverR8,” “overR8ting” and “overR8ed” have become slang terms associated with the use of XLR8R. Also, in association with “jerky,” users are also vulgarly referred to as “jerking off.” i.e. “Man, that guy jerked himself off a long time ago.” A more accepted way of saying this is, “He overR8ed a long time ago.” When dealing with the public, please use the “overR8ed” version.

XLR8R, although often fatal, is not as terminal as LMN8 which causes most users to spontaneously combust. Users with the strength of will to use the drug in moderation are often perceived as very smart as they tend to use the drug to enhance their brainpower. However, they tend to not be able to sit still, and often talk rapidly like a person with too much caffeine in their system. Talking at superspeed is a dead giveaway, and people trying to do an intervention for a user often have to shoot them with several tranquilizers to slow them down enough to talk to them. Some users can find the right balance of using the drug and not, to give themselves superspeed for a purpose. One of these is the drug’s designer, XL, but it’s likely that he’ll overR8 at some point.

In conjunction with Fast Company, super speed harnesses are being developed for first responders to help combat this problem. Known as F.R.E.S.H., short for the First Responder Emergency Speed Harness, it will allow first responders to match speed with those under the influence of XLR8R. The harness has been tested in the field for some time now by the Fast Company sponsored superheroine Redline. For this reason, F.R.E.S.H. is also known as the Redline System. When we have a release date for this harness, an announcement will be made via press conference.

"I'm telling you, Booth," John Parker whispered, pointing to an odd looking needle in his other hand, "this is guaranteed to kill the president, and we are far less likely to get caught!"

John Booth scoffed. "I want the world to know who killed Lincoln!" he said a bit loudly, drawing reproachful stares from other actors awaiting the curtain.

"Keep your voice down!" hissed Parker. "Who cares who does it, as long as it gets done? If it's so important to you, claim responsibility after we have made our escape!"

"You're a coward," Booth said with disgust. "Lincoln has declared the slaves free, and thinks that he has ended the War Between the States. Now is the perfect time to strike a blow for the Confederate army! How is that crazy sewing needle going to bring down the president? Are we to sew his nose and mouth shut so he can't breathe?"

"No, no," the security man waved off his ridiculous idea. "This needle isn't for sewing. It's called a high... high po'...high... Anyway, it's for medicine. You see this piece right here?" he asked as he pointed to the end of the hypodermic needle. "It's a plunger. Pull it back, like this? It takes in medicine through the needle. Then you inject it into a patient, and the medicine makes them better. Without medicine? It takes in air. Inject the air into the patient, and they die of a heart attack."

Booth raised his eyebrows at this, his full attention now on Parker. "And where did you get such a fantastic device?"

Parker raised his eyebrows at his friend's realization, and smiled. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me," Booth said, narrowing his eyes at his confederate.

Faltering a bit, Parker said, "It was a man on some kind of... it was like a machine-driven bicycle, but no bicycle I've ever seen. It was heavy and thick, and it was shiny- highly polished metals and other materials I've never seen the likes of. Almost a saddle on the back of it for a rider, rather than a flimsy seat, and it made the most noise I've ever heard without a gun or cannon. The rider was huge; strong- Nordic in his bearing- and called himself Manjaro. The machine he rode appeared in a glowing fog, and left the same way."

Booth scoffed. "Do you think me a fool, Parker? Of course I don't believe that drivel! No child over the age of seven would! Keep your secret then. So I inject the president with air, and he dies. Why is this better than a gun?"

"Because," he answered with a hideous glee, "if you do it right, then everyone will think it was a natural occurrence. We won't even be suspected," he said, offering the needle to the actor.

John Booth looked contemplative as he took the needle from Parker's hand, and held it up to the light. He pressed the plunger fully, and then pulled it out again, looking as if he could see the air fill the chamber. He held it as if he would inject someone, moving it in stabbing motions through the air. Then he rushed the guard, backed him roughly against a wall, and put the needle to his throat. "What would you have me do, John Parker? Stab the president with this as he arrives, and let him seem to die naturally so that he can be mourned, and lifted up as a hero to the people? No, sir.

"I told you that I want the world to know that Lincoln was killed. They have to know what happens to men who would try to inflict their will upon a country that does not want it! This?" he said, holding up the needle to Parker's view. "This is cowardice, just as I told you, Parker! If you don't have the stomach for true patriotism, then be gone with you!" he growled, throwing the man to the side. Then he dropped the needle on the floor, ground it beneath his boot heel, and stalked away.

Parker picked himself up shakily, looking after his mad accomplice as he stormed away. Pulling a handkerchief from his pocket, he wiped his forehead and face, and headed out of the theater's back door. He needed a drink.

He was out in the alley with a bottle he'd bought from the tavern across the street when he heard the shots, followed by Booth's shouts of, "Sic semper tyrannus!" Hearing the wails of panicked patrons as they stampeded for the doors, he fled back to the tavern, and found the president's footman and coachman, both of whom were passed out drunk at their table. When found, he claimed to have been drinking with them all night since being dismissed from his post. Having paid the maid to back up his story, his part in the assassination remained undiscovered.