Broken Soul #14: Jackie - My Lil Sis

DateBroken Soul #14:View:Back/ Next
03/30/19*Jackie - My Lil Sis(Blog Only)(Back) (Next)
*This was actually written and posted on 3/30/19. The earlier date at the top of the blog is because this is a recycled blog page. -cb

Saturday, March 30th, 2019, 1:13AM

"Jackie" (not her real name, because she doesn't know I'm going to write this) is not an ex. She's my Lil Sis. Not by blood- that's what I've called her since I was fifteen or sixteen years old. She and her family were members of the church I got saved at, and we were in youth group together. I had a pretty serious crush on her, but like most girls that I liked at that time, I didn't really have the courage to tell her... or maybe I just didn't have the private opportunity to tell her. Whatever the case, I never told her, right?

Anyway, her parents decided to move to Mississippi, and the day of her last youth group meeting before the move, we were all in the parking lot when Jackie called out, "Somebody adopt me so I don't have to move to Mississippi!"

I immediately hollered, "I'll do it!"

That's when she started calling me her Big Bro, and I started calling her my Lil Sis. We wrote letters back-and-forth for a few years, and lost touch for awhile. In my late twenties, I got in touch with her again. She was living in North Carolina, and after some phone conversations, she invited me down to visit one weekend. Nothing romantic, mind you- she wanted to see her Big Bro, and wanted me to meet her boyfriend- we'll call him "Jerkwater."

As you might guess from the replacement name, I don't have much love for Jerkwater. He was unpleasant the whole weekend, and manipulated things so that Jackie didn't speak to me for many years. They eventually became Mr. & Mrs. Jerkwater, and moved to California. For some reason that neither Jackie nor I can fathom, Jerkwater eventually got us in touch with each other again (although she maintains Jerkwater wouldn't have done that. Still, she says she didn't do it either, so I have to think it was him. I mean, who else would have?). She was still angry with me about that weekend years ago, and although we became Facebook friends, we didn't talk much for a few years. In fact, we even unfriended each other once or twice. Eventually, we made peace, and Jackie revealed that she and Jerkwater were getting a divorce.

The divorce wasn't quite final when Jackie got in touch with an ex-boyfriend from Mississippi- we'll call him "Jeb." Jeb was in an unhappy marriage. Eventually, Jackie met with him in another state, and they hooked up. She was on Cloud Nine, completely in love. Eventually, Jeb cut off communication, and went back to his wife. Later still, after Jackie's divorce was final, they hooked up again, and Jeb told her he was leaving his wife. Again, Jackie was on Cloud Nine.

Wouldn't you know it? Jackie found out that for longer than she had been "back together" with Jeb, he had been seeing another woman. So now she's heartbroken.

I love my Lil Sis. I mean I love her like she's actually flesh-and-blood. But damn- he cheated on his wife with Jackie. Why is she surprised when he cheated on her with someone else?* ...That's my Lil Sis though- completely grown up about some things, but completely innocent in others. Because her love is true, she believed his was too. I'm shaking my damned head right now, wishing I could make things better for her, and hoping that it doesn't make her bitter.

***

All that is just what led to me thinking about this: for the longest time, I believed Jackie was the one; the girl I would marry. I mean, she's not actually my little sister after all, and I did have a crush on her to start with. All that writing back-and-forth, and the calls when we could... keep in mind this was before the Internet... that's a lot of time and energy invested in keeping in touch. Naively, I thought we'd eventually get together in some kind of romantic-movie reunion-moment.

We did eventually talk about that. The details aren't important, but the gist was this: while I was holding out that hope for so long, Jackie only briefly considered it, and then discarded the idea. She just didn't feel the same. That left me a little crestfallen at the time, but now I can look back on it and say, "That's okay." Everyone has a choice. We both made ours.

I'm not looking for her to fall in love with me now either. In fact, we were talking last night, and I told her, "You need someone around your own age who has their shit together. That leaves me out- I don't have my shit together." We both laughed at that.

***

I was a bit crushed when I got off the phone with Jackie last night, but it had nothing to do with feelings for her or anything like that. It was just that the whole time I was listening to her, and all of her news, I realized that I really had nothing to tell her. I mean, just nothing. All I could really tell her was that my life lately has been work and home, and no relationships for ten years or better (depends on how you count it, but it's been ten years at the minimum count). It was a little bit depressing. As that feeling often does, it turned me towards introspection, and all that thinking is what led to this blog tonight.

I'm still a little stuck for what to do next with my life. I'm working at Wal-Mart, running groceries out to cars for online shoppers, not making great pay, but still the second highest pay I've ever made. It's enough to get by month-to-month, but not enough to pay back all the people I owe money to, not enough to get ahead, and certainly not enough to get back out on my own, meaning my own house with no roommate. I love the guy like a brother, but eventually he's going to want his own space again. I need to be ready for that. Not sure how I'm going to do it. It will sound trite if you don't believe, but I always believe that God will make a way. He always has, and I believe that He always will.

Bah, all of that is just introspective crud though.

***

It was great to hear from my Lil Sis last night. I love her, and I miss her, and I miss having someone like her in my life. ...That'll come in time too. God always makes a way for me. He will in that as well.

Amen to that. Amen to that. Amen.

Saturday, March 30th, 2019, 2:00AM

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Saturday, March 30th, 2019, 2:24AM

*P.S. I should clarify that I'm not judging Jeb or Jackie. Like I said, they both made their choices- she was cheating on Jerkwater the first time her and Jeb hooked up (and I think Jerkwater had cheated on Jackie before that, but I honestly don't remember all the circumstances of the story). I'm not judging them though, because I've been the other man in someone's marriage before (see: The Daughter of My Heart). Even aside from the mother of the Daughter of My Heart though, there were a few others over the years who were "separated," and I hooked up with. It honestly didn't occur to me until years later that hey, I was "the other man" for those women as well. So I'm not judging them for infidelity.

I'm also not making fun of my Lil Sis when I mention her being innocent in believing that because her love was true, that Jeb's was too. No, indeed. I understand that innocence of thought. You see: mistakes happen. No one is perfect- not me, not Jackie, not you. Maybe infidelity isn't on your list of wrongs, but something is. It's easy to judge someone, and believe that once they've done some wrong, they will forever be that way, and always do that wrong. Hell, I said that about Jeb, didn't I? The thing is: people are more complex than that, and circumstances change. Jackie cheated with someone she loved on someone she used to love. Jeb was likely torn between two people he loved (he can't be a complete cad- he chose my Lis Sis after all). I'd like to think that if I ever get married, I'll be faithful to my wife. I make it a policy to never say never, because Chris Bishop is in no way perfect, but I'd like to think that from here on, I would be faithful.

So please, understand that I'm not judging here. I love Jackie, and hate that she's hurting. If I could drive across the country and somehow magically heal all her hurt with a hug, I would... it's what a Big Bro should do, isn't it? That's beyond my power and means to do though. We've all made choices, and we all have to live with them. All we can do is ask forgiveness from God and the ones that we've hurt with our choices, hope that they do the same, and just keep moving forward.

So no judgement here.

Saturday, March 30th, 2019, 2:43AM

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