Broken Soul #13: Valerie

DateBroken Soul #13:View:Back/ Next
03/27/19*Valerie(Blog Only)(Back) (Next)
*This was actually written and posted on 3/27/19. The earlier date at the top of the blog is because this is a recycled blog page. -cb

Wednesday, March 27th, 2019, 1:21AM

I've been stuck for words lately- "writer's block," I guess- and I've been wanting to get back to writing. I just don't have a story I want to do right now, and this isn't really what I want to be writing about right now either, but Broken Soul started out as blogs about my exes, so heck, let's talk about another one of my exes. <sigh>...

***

So... Valerie. I met Valerie when I was living with Kelley's parents for my second senior year in high school (Kelley- see Broken Soul #2). We rode the same bus to school, and I had a creative writing class with her. I think that was it though, because she was a sophomore. There was a science "night hike" field trip that we both went on, and if I remember correctly, that's where we started going together.

We were walking one of those plank bridges with no rails that go out over a marshy area, just above water level, and her night vision wasn't great. She almost stepped off a time or two, and I wound up pulling her arms around me, telling her to stay with me so she didn't fall in. An excuse, of course- I just wanted her near me.

Anyway, things progressed as they do with teenagers. We held hands. We kissed. We dry humped, and other things that weren't quite sex every chance we got. And one day, she wanted to go on a hike into the woods behind her apartment. We got into the trees, jumped a creek, and in a small spot she had cleared out beforehand, she stripped, and wanted me to have sex with her. God, she was beautiful, but... I chickened out. I was afraid of getting her pregnant, so all we did was more stuff that wasn't quite sex.

Not very long after that, she broke up with me, and went back to seeing the boy she had been dating before me- let's call him "Chuck." He became her first. I pined after her the rest of the school year, but nothing came of it, even after she and Chuck broke up again.

Fast forward from 1990 to 2007 or so, and I found Valerie again on Classmates.com (same way I had found Stephanie, you may recall [see Broken Soul #1]). I sent her a message, and almost immediately received a call from a very hot-sounding British accent. It turned out Valerie had been living in England for the last eight years. She was then-currently in a loveless marriage, and looking to get out.

I was homesick at the time, and I had looked her up because she was one of the people from back home that I wanted to catch up with. Just catch up with. I was living in Las Vegas- across the country from my hometown in Virginia- so it's not like I expected anything to come of a long distance phone conversation. Especially one overseas. So I was completely surprised when Valerie one day blurted out that she loved me, and mystified when I said it back to her.

We talked for a few months, and we were talking about getting together as a couple. The main problems were that I had a house that I needed to unload, and divorces in England take two years. I figured this was good- I could sit on the house for a couple of years, sell it for a profit, get out of debt, and either move to England to be with her, or we could both move back to Virginia. Valerie made it very clear that she would not move to Vegas.

Then one day, I was driving, and out of the blue, I had the thought, "She's going to change her mind." I say the thought was from God, because it's not anything I would have thought on my own. The idea hadn't even occurred to me until just that moment, but when it did, I knew for certain that it was true.

The next day, she called me and said that this thing between us wasn't going to work.

If I had not had that warning the day before, I would have been completely devastated. Maybe not on the same level as when Stephanie left me, but close. Since I did have this warning though, I was only a bit bummed out (in comparison to what it could have been) and pulled out of the funk soon enough.

Come to find out, Valerie had been talking to Chuck the same time she had been talking to me. I wasn't willing to get together with her while she was still married. He was. She moved back to Virginia, married him, and the last I heard, they had two kids. For those wondering, I don't know how she got around the English two year wait for a divorce. Maybe she didn't. Doesn't really matter. She married Chuck.

Between her breaking things off with me, and moving back to the States for Chuck, she had called me one day. I answered, she was quiet, and finally spoke after a minute or so. She didn't say much. I finally asked if she was okay, she said, "No," and hung up.

Christmas also came before she married Chuck, and at that time, I was living alone in my house in Vegas. Mom had moved to either Texas or California, so I was alone. Any friends from work were spending Christmas with their loved ones. I wanted desperately to talk to someone, and as I had really not been in touch with anyone else, Valerie was the one who knew me best at that time. So I wrote her a very heartfelt e-mail for Christmas, wished her well, and went on.

I soon received an irate e-mail from her. She took my e-mail as me trying to "steal another man's woman;" as me trying to steal her from Chuck. This wasn't the case. It just wasn't. It wasn't even close to that. I poured my heart out to her, but it was meant as a friend to a friend, and it wasn't in such a way as to imply any kind of intimacy beyond that friendship. I had made peace with her decision to be with Chuck. I just didn't know who else to talk to on a lonely Christmas.

Anyway, we haven't talked since... I've occasionally wondered if it was really her that wrote the irate e-mail, or if it was Chuck. It was such a complete reversal from everything we had talked about while she was in England, that it jolted me like a fall into a cold swimming pool. She was so unfriendly in her response that I blocked both her and Chuck from my social media account. Yes, I had so made peace with them being together, that I had accepted his friend request.

I had plenty of rebuttal to her irate response. I wrote it. I never sent it. It wasn't worth it. In the end, she wasn't worth it. Not because she was unfriendly, even though she was. Not because I hated her for it, because I certainly didn't. Just because... I knew she wasn't the one. She chose Chuck. End of story. For once, I was going to move on from the "unavailable woman," and I did.

I don't know how to properly describe what little relationship I had with Valerie. It was lustful, and that lust was never quite fulfilled. So there's certainly regret there. Carnal regret, I guess. On the other hand, we never actually had sex, so in some small way, I feel good about that. Sometimes, anyway. Other times, I could kick myself for not taking the chance I was given. Ah, well.

No real, deep moral-of-the-story thought here. Just getting thoughts out about another ex. Sometimes, that's all there is.

Wednesday, March 27th, 2019: 2:21AM

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