By black_wreath 58 Comments
Haven't done one in a while. For the record I don't like being negative, but I've been told I can be good at it so here's my bottom ten of all-time.
Now I'm not saying these are the worst movies ever I'm just saying... no screw it, I hate it when people say that, it lacks conviction... these are the worst movies ever! Those expecting the likes of Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Room, Food Fight and other triumphs of ineptitude will be disappointed - those movies are funny as shit and accidental masterpieces as far I'm concerned, they're awesome.
Disclaimer: If anything I wrote angers you I apologise but keep in mind I now identify as a cat so I think it's remarkable that I managed to write anything at all.
10. Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday
The worst entry in my favourite slasher franchise, the F13 formula isn't hard to figure out so how does one screw it up this badly? Jason Voorhees can suddenly apparently possess people and can only be killed by a family member whom a fair amount of the characters here improbably turn out to be - these things never mentioned before or after this movie probably because it was an unnecessary and counter-productive idea, all it results in is a Jason-bereft film... Because apparently that's not who fans want to see... The film has some fun gore effects and cameos from both Freddy's hand and the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis (both admittedly are cool moments) but its sins against F13 lore are unforgivable and if you're familiar with this how loose this franchise really is with continuity you'll know how hard it is to actually achieve "unforgivable" sins. Also, the score is even worse than Part 3's.
9. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Trashing Twilight nowadays is like boxing a corpse, hardly a challenge and long past the point of serving a purpose - but this particular entry is like Ted Bundy's corpse so I still feel okay punching it postmortem. A movie that actually got me to yell "Something happen!" in a crowded cinema within the first 15 minutes (embarrassing the shit out of my concubine) and those first few scenes are unfathomably boring, well except for Billy Burke who was wonderful as the only normal person in this entire franchise. So basically Bella and Edward get married have unprotected and probably traumatic-to-watch sex which to the surprise of all leads to Bella becoming pregnant (who knew?), everyone wants her to abort it but Bella wants to have the baby even though it will kill her (we can only hope) and in the end the wolves decide to play coathanger but Jacob saves it by imprinting on it which I think means he marked his territory on the child and officially laid claim to all future coitus with the kid and who the **** writes this shit? Oh right, her.
8. God's Not Dead
Wanna know what's awkward? Watching this with your ultra-Pentecostal family while trying not to fall out with them yet again. I've watched quite a few propaganda movies in the past and found this to be as hateful as any and while I contend it can be interesting to watch one where I am the target, that doesn't make it any less obnoxious. The thing proudly displays black and white mentality like Christians = , Atheists = , Muslims = , Gays & Catholics & other Non-Evangelical Christians & Any other religions = , God's Not Dead is happy to lazily and hypocritically pander solely to those who already agree with its view of the world with zero effort dedicated to reaching out to non-believers - instead it actually comes off like the people behind it would rather alienate them further from the church which kind of counter-productive when it comes to preaching the gospel and, you know, saving souls which I was led to believe was a Christian prerogative, so even as a propaganda film it's a complete failure. Two fingers up.
7. Pearl Harbour
Everything about this movie feels incredibly artificial and, yeah, that's what movies are but everything from the hokey performances, word-that-means-the-polar-opposite-of-subtle symbolism, the obviously fictional love story and worst of all complete apathy towards portraying the event and the people involved correctly. I'm neither American nor Japanese and even I'm offended by Michael Bay's allergy to history, in theory I'm not the biggest fan of the Hollywood take on history but when it's treated with some sensitivity and taken seriously it's been able to create some of my favourite films but Pearl Harbour can only be melodramatic and boring. Oh and I cannot believe how much I hate Ben Affleck's character in this.
6. Evan Almighty
That Pentecostal family made me watch this too, yeah I don't visit much anymore. Tom Shadyac directed the wonderful Ace Ventura, Liar, Liar and Bruce Almighty but it's tempting to say Jim Carrey really directed them because without Jim it's hard to tell he even has a sense of humour as Evan Almighty is loaded with some very funny actors and yet none of them are even close to being humorous here. Steve Carrell is forced to resort to having slapstick buffoonery in the scenes where he builds the ark, which just made me feel sorry for him since I like him as an actor. Unlike in Bruce Almighty where God tries to teach Bruce a meaningful lesson to help him and comes off likeable, he's a straight-up prick in this - he commands Evan to do his bidding while giving minimal information, making it as difficult as possible, ruining his life in the meantime and laughing about it all the way through, it's more Job than Noah.
Nonsensical plot, godawful costume, risible CGI, complete and total detachment from the source material - forget about all of that, I want to talk about Alex Borstein because no-one ever does... Alex Borstein is by far the worst thing in this! She makes a painful movie excruciating and yet it's Halle Berry who gets all the hair-balling - she did the best she could with the material given and you try acting while on catnip! The only thing that could've saved this is if the entire cast were replaced with cats. Real cats.
4. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
When you're directing a movie designed to sell toys to children you could at least not shoot your lead actress like she's a porn star. While the previous movie had some likable characters (I even laughed at "I ate the whole plate") this time every single human is irritating and/or boring but I'm going to single out Sam Witwicky's mother as the worst for that horrible scene in which a pot brownie somehow causes her to lose all consciousness of reality - why are movies with pot-related scenes frequently written by people who've clearly never done pot before? The best thing I can say about Transformers 2 is its use of professional voice actors in an age when most animated movies are marketed based on celebrity voices... You'd think I'd say the action but there's so many goddamn pixels in every robot fight scene I can't tell who's who or often WTF is even going on, it may as well be white noise. Damn kids today.
3. Made of Honour
I've seen a lot of rom-coms and they're generally a flavourless gruel consisting of bland characters, lame humour and predictable clichés - I believe Made of Honour is the worst example of this that I've seen. Patrick Dempsey is best friends with Michelle Monaghan but he can only tell dogs he loves them not humans (yep, real plot-point) and thus they don't realize that love was in front of them the whole time until she goes to Scotland and suddenly gets engaged to Prince Kevin McKidd (too good for this shit) who is perfect in every way. Since much of this thing is set in Scotland we basically every stereotype gag Groundskeeper Willie did better from "kilt resembles a skirt" to "Scoots be har-r-r-rd to oonder-r-r-rstund!". She realizes she's with the wrong dude at dinner when he politely expresses he'd rather her ask for a taste of his meal rather than her help herself to his plate, which is surely a deal-breaker if ever there was one. This movie is super lazy and the highlight is seeing Patrick Dempsey get punched in the face.
2. New Years Eve
This is probably the most insufferable film I've ever seen and I know that because for some reason I've seen it more than once. There is one reason it exists, easy paychecks and here they are:
- Hilary Swank: In charge of the New Years Eve confetti or something. Has OCD or something.
- Ashton Kutcher: Some asshole who hates New Years Eve (that's not me making a self-reference).
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Has a bunch of resolutions she is willing to do what is obviously cheating to accomplish these. This is a really odd performance.
- Zac Efron: Helps Michelle cheat on her resolutions. Loudly ridicules her while on the phone despite being fully aware she's in the vicinity.
- Jessica Biel: Preggers and wants to give birth first at midnight to win prize money, probably the stupidest plot in the movie. During the credits she gives birth to a Valentines Day dvd thus confirming she was impregnated by Satan.
- Robert DeNiro: Makes up the all too small death toll in this movie.
- Halle Berry: Nurse who takes Robert outside in the freezing cold to see the ball drop which probably prematurely kills him.
- Katherine Heigl: Yeah, next...
- Jon Bon Jovi: Musician with an unbelievably bland stage name, understandably ran away from Katherine now wants to get back together with her, strangely enough. Ends up running out on a concert he was advertised for, this would normally anger fans and promoters but it's okay because he did it for love.
- Lea Michele: Bon Jovi's back up singer, stuck in elevator with Ashton Kutcher, I honestly don't know which one I feel more sorry for. When Bon Jovi ditches his concert she is randomly promoted to the star of his set.
- Sarah Jessica Parker: Tight-assed mother of Abigail Breslin.
- Abigail Breslin: Insolent daughter of Sarah Jessica Parker.
- John Lithgow: He's John Lithgow... so naturally he's the best thing in this movie. He has barely any screen time.
- Josh Duhamel: Needs to get to NY to reunite with mystery woman (SJP) hitches ride with Lisa Simpson - these scenes are very hard to get through.
- Sofia Vergara: A sentient torture device, I cannot understate
- Cary Elwes: A doctor who gets chained in a mysterious bathroom and is eventually forced to cut his own foot off to escape. This all happens off-screen, by the way. In my mind, the other characters share similar fates, Sofia suffers the most.
1. Alice in Wonderland (2010)
This is it. This is number one. Though it's difficult to say this is objectively a worse movie than some of the above entries, what I do know is that none of them managed to objectively piss me off as much as this one. None of them actually had me ask the cinema receptionist for a refund which is not something I would ever normally do to someone just doing their job (I didn't get one anyway, so I'm even more pissed off at it) but I really felt betrayed this time and the reason is because I was genuinely excited for this one. Believe it or not Tim Burton is my favourite director not because I love all of his movies but because I love half and I loathe half, there is no middle ground with Burton I either want to make out with him or beat the living shit out of him - but the point is that I always care (maybe a little too much I admit) and no other filmmaker consistently provokes such wildly different but equally extreme reactions. Oh and it really is Johnny Depp who manages to be the worst thing in this, at least with most of his other cartoon character performances- I get it but here I don't even understand what he's trying to do I just understand that I hate it and any time he's onscreen I just want him to piss off. I paid to see Disney's Alice in Wonderland (you know, like the stupid movie is called) and was excited as I grew up with the original on tape and instead I get Maybe the Wrong Alice Maybe Returns to Won.. Underland, at least Hook didn't call itself Peter Pan... My favourite part of this movie was when the March Hare said "Spoon." Yes my fondest memory of a movie I greatly anticipated ended up being the word "Spoon"... "Spoon"!!!!
Normally I'd do honourable mentions but this list was kinda depressing and I regretted doing it at all half way through writing it so I'd just like to end here because movies are dumb and now I hate them and stuff...
Fine... I hate Maleficent, Tekken and High School Musical too...
Previous movie lists:
- Comic Book Movies (part 4)
- Comic Book Movies (part 3)
- Comic Book Movies (part 2)
- Comic Book Movies (part 1)
Seriously, ****ing "Spoon"!!!