A Great Plan!!

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It was a question that has plagued him for years. A question that was so deep, so dark and so agonizing that he could not rest until solved. So serious that he could not even be aroused while watching his favorite VCR classic “Naughty Nurses Meet Naughty Teachers IV” until finally solved. That question being...how to kill a speedster! In Jason’s world any and everybody should be able to be killed by a bullet, except him. If he was to shoot at you, you should be hit, not running around it at a speed so fast that the bullet would appear to stop moving. Not only that but in his world no one should be able to move so fast that they could do whatever they want while you are standing there motionless. Perhaps it had something to do with being pants hundreds of times in middle school, by the bigger smarter kids, but the fear of what those speedsters could do while he stood there unaware plagued him! But as he sat on his stain soaked couch, with a bong in one hand and the other scratching his a$$, he swore that he would never leave his apartment until finding a way to kill those freaking speedsters one way or another! After another long toke from his bong shaped like a naked woman, he lets out a loud “Oh Yeah Baby!” followed by a slew of painful coughs, he decided to put his full attention on the problem at hand.

Like the great Dr. Frankenstein, the one who came up with the theory of relativity, he choose to start with one fact and work from there. In this case Jason choose to start with the ‘Speedforce’ or at least what little he knew about it. Based off rumors and misconceptions, all he could assume is that the speedforce is all around you and when a speedster runs he taps into it. Therefore with the strain of what little gray matter he had left, the idea crossed his mind, to blow everything up. Feeling like he had made a scientific breakthrough, he could already picture the grand moment in which he would light a handful of dynamite and throw it forth into what he would consider the speedforce, thus igniting it in a ball of fire that would take half the world with it, as well as every last freaken speedster. Although there would be considerable collateral damage, with the up side of killing every speedster, it would be worth it. So with great pride he lept from his couch knocking over a two day old pizza box, and shouted the word “Alleluia!’ But then, just as an evil smile crossed his face, he sadly realized that he didn’t have a single stick of dynamite, let alone enough vodka to make a Molotov cocktail.

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In a sad state of mind, and brief moment of realization, the only true ammo he had in the house was four clips for his trusty 9mm, that he bought off Ebay! Somewhat depressed, he plopped back down on is couch, spraying a thick layer of dust and Doritos chips around the room, while twirling his gun around his finger. “Damn it!” he barks as he strokes his ego, “My bomb plan would a worked and I would have gone down in history as the man who killed all the speedsters!” But then as he continued to play with his 9mm, by popping out the clip and replacing it in record time, he ejected a single bullet and caught it in his right hand! It was then at that moment as he looked down upon the great equalizer, that a new plan crossed his mind. If it were impossible to throw a bomb into the speedforce, why not let the speedforce come to him. In his mind his new plan was simplistic and beyond perfect. If the speedforce was everywhere and activated when a speedster ran, if he were to put a single bullet on his table, naturally the speedforce would be shot the moment a speedster began to run! With no idea how Wile E. Coyote his plan sounded, he was already salivating over how famous he would be. Therefore with great pride, he strategically placed the single bullet on his table and slowly stepped back for safety. Now hiding behind his couch, he continually leered over, waiting for something, anything to happen, while holding his breath in anticipation. Unfortunately for the next three minutes he became overly board with the whole thing, and in a hissy-fit he knocked the table over shouting, “Damn it, they did it again! Some how those speedsters got wind of my plan and changed time again so that it wouldn’t work!” With that said he packed another round in his bong, taking in a monumental hit, all the while boasting, “If I had the freaken dynamite my plan would have worked”, while coughing between each word!

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Payback for Backstabbing!

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As ordered by the powers of good, Jason was no longer aloud to be the Backstabber. In a bizarre attempt to turn his life around he was now forced to give away everything he owned, including his suit goggles and even his trusty 9mm that he bought off E bay. What’s worse he now had to work every day at “Paws across America”, the local animal shelter as a volunteer, or else face the wrath of Galatea or more specifically her Dragon form. Through a lot of legal red tape he was lucky enough not to be put in jail instead, the local law secretly laughed when they heard of the whole deal. For his first day he walked in dressed in a ‘Bikini Inspector” shirt and a pair of jeans covered in layers of dirt, as if they had not been washed in over a year. Already cursing under his breath, he informs the owner, a kind old environmentalist nicknamed ‘Hugger” that “Okay Jerk, pal I’m gonna go take a nap in the back room, you wake me up when the day is over!” But instead of being greeted with the same level of awesomeness that he felt he deserved, Hugger simply replied “Namaste,” handed him a old wooden handle shovel and smiled, “You get the honor of cleaning up the cages!” He then placed his hand upon Jason shoulder, leaned in for a hug and whispered in his ear, “Billy says HI!

Thinking himself to be a awesome con artist, in a blatant attempt to get out of work, Jason breaks the shovel over his knee and in a coy voice replies “Oops it looks like the shovel broke.” But as Hugger was fully aware of who Jason was and how his mind works, with a smile upon his old face he hands over an even smaller shovel, a hand shovel and replies, “Well then, looks like you’re just going to have to use this one.” Reluctantly, Jason grabs it in anger and walks out to the back of the place grunting and groaning all the way until he reaches the room where all the animals sleep. Immediately, an overwhelming scent of feces and pet food overtook him, forcing the Backstabber to gag and even vomit in his mouth. In a huge fit of defiance he screams, “Oh Hell No! There ain’t no way I’m cleaning that!” as he flails around in a hissy-fit, until he hears out from the main office, “Galatea wouldn’t like that!” Were it not for his spine chilling fear over Dragons he would have shoved the metal end of the shovel deep into the old geezers back, but instead he lowered his head in shame and uttered the words, “I’m still a winner!” as he surveys the area. To his dismay the place was filled with animals of each and every shape and size, including dogs so big that he could mount and ride them. But as the bigger animals have bigger poop, he choose to start with the smallest of animals, a little Chihuahua with the cutest brown eyes anyone had ever seen.

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Still cursing he rips open the cage only to have the little Chihuahua come up and playfully nip at his foot while jumping up and down with affection. To any other man it would be a tender moment warming their heart, but to Jason all he saw was a rodent messing up his boots. “Go away ya little Jerk!” he yells while pushing it away with his heel, “You’re cramping my style!” But instead the little Chihuahua continued to nip away in the cutest of manners. But in true Backstabber form, overwhelmed with all the crap he now had to deal with, he kicks at the puppy a little to hard, breaking it’s pretty little neck and knocking it back to the far side of the cage. Immediately, Jason thought, ‘Oh crap Galatea’s gonna eat me!” and in genuine fear fumbles back with his arms flailing around. But as he falls back, he stumbles backwards into another animals cage, knocking it over on to another cage, which fell on to another. In the end every animal’s cage was knocked down, unhinging the lock and letting them all run free. In an instant Jason was surrounded by a hoard of animals, all running free and what’s worse making noise. Once again Jason thought to himself, “Maybe nobody will notice!” as he began trying to wrangle up the animals, but instead ended up slipping on a pile of feces and falling back, right on his a$$!

But just when things couldn't get worse, Hugger comes running in yelling, “What in tarnations is going on out here?” Immediately, Jason jumped to his feet covered in nervous sweat, and with the worst poker face in the history of lying, looked back at him and answered back, “What do you mean?” But just as he was expecting to be turned into Dragon food, Hugger suddenly grabbed his chest! Wailing in pain he stumbled around, leaning on the wall for support as his face turns a ghostly pail white, Hugger fumbled through his pockets in hast.“My pills!” he begged several times as it was obvious to all he was having a heart attack, except for Jason, who naturally thought the old man was popping drugs! But just as Hugger managed to grab his pill bottle from his breast pocket, he accidentally spills them across the room as he tried desperately to open them. Unfortunately, before Jason had a clue, Hugger fell to the floor dead, still clutching his chest, with his eyes slowly rolling up into his head. But even with a dead man laying before him at his feet, all Jason could think of was himself and how to cover up all signs of his undoings. It was then, in a moment normally not associated with the Backstabber, he came up with a plan.

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Knowing that Hugger liked to smoke a cigarette every now and then, Jason quickly grabbed his matches, and with his trembling hands, struck one and tossed it into the garbage. Instantly the discarded papers burned, lighting a small fire that slowly grew, when suddenly the whole place exploded with fire. Unknown to Jason, with all the built up flatulence from the animals, the gas ignited, setting the whole place a blaze. Immediately, all the animals ran out the front door in fear, leaving Jason alone with Hugger and a huge problem. Still thinking only of himself, he knew he needed to do something with the body and in an irrational idea figured on dragging it out to his car, in the hope of discarding it somewhere else, rather than just leaving him there to burn. With the fire still raging around him, he grabbed Hugger by the legs and proceeded to drag him out the front door, when suddenly he was stopped by two police officers who just happened to be next door at the coffee shop. Before he knew it, the officers were in fact helping him and even praising Jason for his quick thinking! Shortly there after, after the fire department, medics and news arrived, the officers were under the impression that Jason was the hero of the day, and as one of the offices put it, “Mr. Reed, you are a hero! You may be a bit unorthodox letting all the animals run free, but you saved them from burning to death after Hugger’s accident. Yes sir you are a hero and I’m going to make sure everyone knows it!” Then as he shook Jason’s hand, a crooked smile crossed the Backstabber’s face and in his head, all he could think was, over and over, one word ‘Winning!’

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Church of Backstabber

It began like any other dream. Jason stood naked in the middle of a wrestling ring, in an abandoned arena with all spot lights on him. Around him circled four plus sized women dressed in edible thongs, cheering his name with glee as they planned to jump on top of him. Soon the nasty love making would begin involving everything from vibrating sex tools to outrageous costumes, and several, several primal screams. But before the triple rated X affair could begin, a dense fog of smoke filled the arena in his dream. Soon Jason could no longer see where he was or more importantly, who he was with, and was almost moved to tears as the women left his sight. Then as quickly as it rolled in, the fog lifted and Jason found himself standing as a preacher in a full red flowing robe. He was now standing before his followers and legions, as the one and only speaker for the great and powerful “Holy Church of Awesomeness!”With a wave of his hand the congregation arose, revealing waves and waves of even more oversized plus sized women, all wet just from being in his presence. In the upper balconies, stood the legends of awesomeness. Men who were real men like Chuck Norris, Bruce Campbell and The Undertaker, all giving off hand signs of mad respect to the Backstabber, their recognized superior! Again Jason signaled them to sit down and as they did he prepared for today’s lesson, “How awesome I truly am!” Before he begins, he takes a brief second to pick his nose followed by wiping his hand against his sleeve. Immediately he opens with a crowd favorite “Who Loves the Backstabber?!?” but instead a loud ear piercing feed back filled the room. Jason shortly fiddles around with his mike then declares, “Whoever is the freak in charge of the freaken sound quality should be…. ( the crowd waits on the edge off their seats) should be stabbed in the freaken back!” and immediately, the crowd goes wild in cheer! Finally the crowd settled down, but not before the women threw their pantie towards him, some still giving off heat. Jason quickly clears his throat, then slams his hand against the podium and begins, “Today we will begin with a story about a day in my most awesomeness of life. Today as I was taking a massive dump on the toilet, (again the crowd shouts halleluiah)I was so blocked up I thought I would never drop this load. So I grabbed hold of the seat, grunted like a MAN and low and behold, I dropped it.” He then raised his hands up wide apart shouting “and It was this freaken big! Seriously it was so big I didn’t even think it would flush.” He then waits a second to build suspense and finishes with, “BUT IT FREAKEN DID!” At this point in the dream a wagon train full of cheap whiskey road across the sides of the cathedral but to Jason it was all to normal! It was then time for communion, the spiritual sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, and as such the women filled the isles. One by one they walked up to Jason, with their cleavage hanging out begging “Give me your manly load, oh awesomeness one” followed by moans of satisfaction. In response, he whips out a can of cool whip and proceeds to anoint each bosom with a can full. Followed by the all to important placing of a strawberry between them, and of course….the motor boating! It was now time to end the proceedings but not before Jason commented on the massive size of his penis and whipping it out.It was now time for the skinny dipping in the holy water, and Jason was first to rip his clothes off. In one huge splash the congregation joined in and once again the orgy was on! But like in his earlier dream a dense fog rolled in ripping away images of the Holy Church. He reached out to grab hold of it like a child in a nightmare reaching for a door at the end of a hallway with the hallway never ending. Finally the fog lifted, and this time he found himself tied down to a hospital bed with a naughty nurse standing over him. In an oh so sexy voice she says, “Why hello there Mr Backstabber, you dirty dirty boy. Looks like you need some extra special medical care. Lucky for you I know just how to take care of you!” She then leans over flashing her boobies in his face as she fluffs his pillow. Now getting into the new dream, Jason winks back at the naughty nurse saying, “Well then I’ve got a huge throblem that only you can take care of. If you know what I mean?!?” Then suddenly the dream turned wrong as the once erotic dream now became a nightmare. From behind her back, the naughty nurse pulled out a big thick thermometer, three times larger than a normal one. Then in a manly voice she declared, “Time to bend over, and take your temperature, Mr. Buttstabber!” From that point on Jason screamed in fear, doing everything he could to wake up. But the question is not whether he woke up before or after the probing, the question is, How awesome his church would be?

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