My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

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A place for me. Searching for a mentor

I'm sad. There's weight on me. Not physically, but emotionally, I'm so sad. Every time I open my eyes, waking up, I know that my heart aches more so than the seconds before. I want to end my life, just to stop the hurt, but I continue on. Sometimes, when I'm alone in the park, in the cold and among the stars that I sleep under, I cry for no reason other than just being sad. I can't let my mind wander to anything else but this depression. Is this depression? Am I depressed? I do wonder those things.

What I can say is that after three days, I'm finally not angry anymore. I had plenty to be angry about, but nothing to go into such a rage as I had been. It was that monsters fault, not doubt they're all still there fighting among themselves. Throwing blows of power, trying to figure out who the strongest of them all are. I was there, I was called there rather. I latched on to his enmity, I fed off it. It bathed me in red waves of carnage and I wanted to kill and maim and destroy everything. But that's not me...

Okay, I'll say it. I have absolutely no idea of who I am personally. I know my name, I know my heritage, and I know my history. That's all a guy should need to figure such a question out, but I can't. My mind creates collages of others when I try to piece together my own self worth. I'm unworthy. I'm weak. I ran from that fight because I thought, I knew that I was going to die. But what kind of life do I live, what kind of life do I have now that I sit in grass and leaves, sulking and ruminating on how much I hate myself. I do hate myself. I have feelings I can't place names too, I have thoughts that I'm ashamed of. What is wrong with me...WHO AM I. I need help.

But who out there would help me...I have no place to all my own, I have no friends, and I have no family. I'm alone, and scared. I'm scared, and I'm sad. I try to think beyond my cloud of sorrow and misery, try to call out and ask for help. People have thrown dollars and coins at me, but I don't need money, I need...help. I guess they thought that was helping, I can't fault them for that. For not knowing exactly what I needed, I can't allow myself to place blame on them, when I know it's my fault...Can I? I'm confused, and I don't know what to do.

These heroes of the world, they have it all figured out. Is that me. Could that be me, I want to help people. But I'm afraid I might be consumed by those wrathful pings again. I don't want to hurt anyone but my parents, wherever they are...I want to help. But I don't even know how to use my powers for good, all they've ever done was destroy. They bring darkness, and pain. Am I some sort of villain, do I inherently have a lust and need to harm? These questions swirl in my stream of thoughts, and I can't decide. Should I just be done with it, and kill myself? No..Yes...Ugggghhhh, Its so damn hard to stay focused. I'm cold.

I'm crazy, I know it. But I have lucid thoughts. I do really want to help, and I do really want to hurt my parents. What does that make me? Who does that make me. Can I do both and still be a hero, or a semblance of something that isn't only a nuisance? I need help. I need help. I need help.

I need a place to learn how not to be consumed by negativity. I guess I'm vulnerable to others emotions though. So it has to be the right kind of help. Where do I go to find that? Who will help me? Who will help me?