By _Sojourn_ 2 Comments
Don't shield your eyes...This story is true...Sort of...Embellished for the likes of you all. But whatever. I just thought it would be nice to let out once and for all...Catharsis. Maybe you'll learn something I didn't, and not make these mistakes...Whatever....
The bite of autumn was in the air, and still the late summer sun fought for it's last days of length. Work was work, and I was glad to be off for a few days. It was my first day off in a few weeks, trying to finish paying for a side project that I've still yet to get off the ground. That's beside the point. As usual, I checked my social media accounts, and browsed mindlessly, double tapping the thots who loved to tease with photos of their asses. I coincidentally realized that if I liked them, it also sorta kinda made me a thot too. But I was not a thot supreme...I could say that.
A guilty pleasure of mine...or any gay guy is grindr. Yes, don't give that look...It's fun when you're bored. Like I said, I'm not a thot supreme. I don't hook up with random strangers...Mostly because they can't handle the fact that I've been in the public eye for years. My account was a blank profile. I would just look, window shop, see who was in the area. If I was lucky, I would catch someone I knew and it would be a hilarious moment for me to treasure for the time being. I went back to the gram, and continued to browse. People knew who I was there, it was meant to be public. I still however didn't have many followers...Whatevs...There were a few people that I'd gotten to actually love pop up on my timeline.
One in particular, who shall remain nameless for the sake that I still kinda love...Anyway. We would always like each others pictures, we'd comments winky, kissy, and smiley emoticons. It was all in good fun, but in all seriousness, this person held a special place in my life. A little ray of sunshine, in a place where there were a lot of cloudy days. Double tap, winky, kissy, smiley face...It was routine, and I liked it. I like this person. Even with my life as a super hero, working at the veterans hospital...Saving lives...His life seemed like that of a rock star...All of the perks and none of the down sides...Like people threatening your loved ones, seeing death first hand, being forced to kill...Those things that I had experienced, were seemed to wait at the door of this persons life.
It wasn't until I got home that I noticed the dm. I was half expecting some weirdo, sending me nudes and professing their undying lust. But it was this person...And it made me happier than I'd been in a very long time. The message was simple..."We always like each others pics, so I figured I'd just introduce myself." From there a dialog started, and we even exchanged numbers so we could chat by text and call...For a week, I felt like nothing could harm me. I was impervious to the bs. I woke up to a good morning text, this person went to bed with a good night text. It was sweet. And yet, the entire time in the back of my mind, I knew a truth. A devastating truth. But still, I needed this in my life. My coworkers even noticed the change in my demeanor. They'd make little comments about me dancing to music that wasn't playing or something like that.
It was three months of bliss, and we finally made plans to meet. I lived in Virginia and this person in New York City. I imagined they'd seen me before, coincidentally from the previous years of turmoil the city had suffered, but that was different. This was personal...I thought...I knew...I think...I was in love. I wanted to touch this person, and I wanted to protect this person, I wanted this person to never ever leave my side. There was so much we had in common...Literally everything was perfect...But as they say, nothing good can stay.
I requested a full two weeks off of work. Everyone was happy to see me go do something for myself. But something was happening. For the last few days, I'd only spoken to this person four times. Completely out of our normal, all day string of texts and conversations. I felt the oddness, and questioned this person...OKAY..Okay, you've probably figured out by now, it was a guy..Duh..but you'll see why I've been calling him this person.
The day before I was set to leave, I was optimistic. Surely my arrival would spark the fire again. But I called him seven times. Of course giving time to not be a creep. I texted...I Checked everything people that dated usually checked. And nothing...He just disappeared. I couldn't go. I couldn't debase myself like that, going to look for someone who doesn't want to be found.
Seething inside, I calmly walked in to work the next day and everyone gave me the stare...The look that said "trouble in paradise" But there was no trouble, because there was no paradise...There was not even an ocean for an island to float in. For two weeks, I beat myself up, assured that I'd come on too strong...And then, my self pity turned into anger, and anger turned into worry. What if something had happened. What if someone had held a grudge for all these years and found out about him and done something. And then, there he was, on Instagram, plain as day, smiling, but not as I'd ever seen him.
Before I go any further...There is something you all should know...Something I knew, but neglected to let myself make good decisions about my own well being. The June that I found him on ig, he posted a picture, holding up a needle with the caption "the transformation starts today" I knew what it meant, and I was happy for him..her. But when we started talking, he was a he...and now she was wearing a wig, and make up, and high heals and a dress. Don't get me wrong, I've seen him do all of those things before, but now it was real. My heart...But what could I say...He...She wouldn't respond. So I just left one last message. "I know it was a short time for us...And I can't say that I loved you because I don't really know...But it sure as hell felt like it. I wanted the best for us...I'm not mad anymore, I hope that everything you do is everything you need...Do good things in this life" I deleted the contact information.
Two months later, I sat down at a bar and ordered a double Jamieson. It was a long night...Scrolling through pictures, staring at her...She was gorgeous. She was happy. But I wasn't, and I decided that it wasn't fair..I hated how much control I'd let this person have. She dictated my life, and didn't even know it...So, got her number from the initial ig dm, and sent a final final text. "Don't you know what you meant to me...I could have loved you like God" Flair for the dramatics, drunk texting, one in the same. I passed out when I got home.
The next morning, I saw a message from an unknown number. A response. I almost cried with confusion, because I couldn't remember what I'd said. She said she would call me in a few hours. And she did...She explained that the entire time we were long distancing, she had a boyfriend. But they'd now broken up because she decided to once again start hormone therapy. I couldn't only listen. There wasn't much I could say but, I'm here for you...I'd love to be your friend. I guess she understood that my feelings for her changed when she did. But besides that, I was still hurt. But I finally had gotten an answer. She also thanked me for not going all Dark Oracle on her and flooding NYC...It was a funny joke...and it made me feel that specialness again. She was listening to me this whole time..She knew my problems, she knew my flaws.
Its been a good stretch now. Things are back to normal. We like each others pics, winky, kissy, smiley emoticons. I check grindr... I'm still single af, and and she's had a string of mini relationships...I guess none at all are just as good as lots of failed ones...I still save lives, but part of me wonders what could have happened...