stahlflamme's New Avengers #5 - Don't They Know... ...It's the End of the World? review

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New Avengers giving you the same old stuff

The issue starts in the year 20XX which is barely 20-30 in the future judging by the characters appearing in it. Does Marvel know 2099 already dated their universe and being obscure with age numbers doesn't do anything?

Anyways, evil future Wiccan aka Demiurge holds Thor Odinsons burning skull in his hands while fighting the Avengers 20XX and it does absolutely nothing, because by now some villain stomping Thor or Hulk is so common it leaves no impact on anyone anymore and doing this in an possible future and not the present makes it even less impactful.

The Avengers 20XX are lame. They are really just combinations of two heroes wearing old marvel costume variations. Their names probably mean something to people who keep up with last names.

There is a size changing Nova

A female Namor named... Namorina, seriously? Didn't think these Namor related names could still get dumber, especially cause its not her actual name. I guess she is Namors daughter, niece, clone or something, cause her name is Dorma McKenzie.

Iron Mariner an Iron Man with a finn named Joko Krangsen, but is probably meant to be called Krangson and be the son of Krang.

Marvel Woman wearing the old black Ms. Marvel outfit who seems to be Blue Marvels daughter or granddaughter.

Vision, who is Victor Shade, the original vision, but obviously the fact that he is Wiccans father doesn't get referenced, when Wiccan unceremoniously kills him.

And lastly King Hulk, who is future Hulkling... so Hulkling still hasn't done this oh, so important fate that suddenly could wait again a few decades in the future... I'm cool with that cause the whole fate and hybrid species stuff sucked, but from continuity stand-point of this series thats pretty poorly done. Unless Ewing wants to tell us this guy rules two friggin galaxys and still has time to be an earth-based superhero.

More importantly, why would he have chosen a codename that makes him sound more like a Hulk, when he doesn't attempt to be one. Given the other lame heroes, he probably actually has Hulk powers now, because thats what we want characters being less unique.

His design is boring by the way just a long blond haired Hulk with a receding hairline by the looks of it, he is shapeshifter so why, wearing skimpy armor and lacks both the beard he has on the cover and the space sword Hulkling got last issue. If it was supposed to be a suprise that this is Hulkling these things would make some sense, but we're immediately told. My guess is Ewing just pulled this being Hulkling out of his ass now and hadn't planned it when he first created the 20XX Avengers.

Anyways Wiccan also kills off Namorita and King Hulk of course only tries whining to his old boyfriend as a result despite that he seemed to be charging at him earlier, but where do we get if Teddy can do more in regard to Wiccan than whisper "I love you" with a shaky voice? The original comics with these two I guess.

Moridun reveals himself and the Avengers flie through a portal Madame Natasha and Captain America, Danielle Cage, open for them. I guess Danielle unlike all other Captain Americas just stays out of fights with powerful enemies. Apparently they lead the Avengers Inititative.

Initiative? The thing Hulkling fought the government in the Civil War to prevent and didn't join even after they lost? Sure, obviously the guy who is currently branded a terrorist to be an Avengers without government influence ended up on the government team.

Anyways Moribun now has full use of the Demiurges powers and can rewrite reality. Cage tells them they have a way to the past and can fix this.

Except one of the first things about the Demiurge we heard was that his powers extend to future and past. And even if not its reality warping, it rewrites the past. Moribun destroys the universe, no I don't feel like being more dramatic about that the sky just breaks in like stained-glass. He is supposed to be a multiversal reality warper with absolute magic knowledge, if he can't break a universe this would already be anticlimactic.

In the present of 2016, now you give us concrete years, what the hell, the New Avengers are fighting Whisper, who seem to attack Tokyo, because apparently Maker now just attacks big cities on earth or someithing...

No, I tried not to judge the Paris thing, despite his cause chaos speech, because wiping out a major city for scientific benefit does sound like Maker, but no, he is literally saturday morning cartoon level now. He does give us his plan of unification of all universes, granted, but then goes like "dammit foiled again, we need to take down the New Avengers".

City by the way has a new name: Omnitronicus! Ewing needs to stop renaming stuff...

In tokyo we see the new Avengers fight Whisper, who are just riding around flying motorcycles. Power Man shows of his new power of growing giant size, by utilizing the knowledge of their databank downloaded into his brain cause apparently he gains power from knowledge, didn't know that... adding random powers doesn't make characters more interesting!

White Tiger jumps on one of the motorcycles and the guy surrenders... yeah.

Hawkeye shoots one down and Hulkling and Wiccan get the last few. Hulkling rides a flying motorcycle, too... because he can't fly by himself anymore?

Wiccan meanwhile makes their enemies motorcycles dissappear to let them drop towards their death, but Hulkling catches both of them. Wiccan says it would be okay for them to die, because they are the bad guys.

On Avengers Island the remaining team builds a time machine. Yeah, apparently having a psychology student and her Squirrel help build a time machine might mean its faster that way. Seriously, they say thats the reason.

Apparently this time machine will be more precise and energy effecient than Dooms time machine. Why do they have the data on Dooms time machine and why would anyone care, if time travel is energy effecient or not? Its time travel, its priceless!

Looks also like Pod and Toni might hook up in the future... yeah its not very subtle. Also isn't Pod japanese? Why isn't she part of the Tokyo mission? Anyways the time machine gets turned on and obviously the Avengers from the future appear.

In Tokyo Hulkling calls Wiccan out on his bullshit of almost killing two people and not caring about it and is rightfully angry...

Oh, no again that was what he would do originally for lesser things. Here of course he is just like "are you okay", obviously he can't get angry Hulkling doesn't get angry he is just the sweet gay boyfriend and nobody can scream at Wiccan he is to vulnerable and gay to handle loud noises. God I hate this garbage these to were constantly berating each other while fighting, when one of them did something stupid or reckless now it all comes down to "we're so gay, we're so in love, please fangirlies love us so much" instead of the actual genuine and understandable emotion these two once showed.

Anyway, Wiccan or rather Moribun senses the arrival of the Avengers from the future and tells he is gonna spacewarp them to the island, because apparently now we need evil space sorcerers for Wiccan to remember one of his oldest abilities...

In case my constant complaining and calling out of plotholes during the recap didn't make this obvious this story is not very good.

The current conflict is rushed. Last issue Wiccan got infected this starts with him destroying the world, but judging by his behavior in a past why did this even take 20+ years? He already showed nigh-omnipotence as a seventeen-year-old.

If the characters fight in the next issue they are the dumbest heroes in a long time. The future Avengers know its Moribun in Wiccans body, Hulkling saw a Wizard posessed by Moribund last issue and also saw wiccan act evil and out of character, also posessions by evil forces are common in the Marvel universe as Wiccan himself pointed out in the past.

And this universe shattering threat will be handled in the next issue alone, unless Wiccan escapes and becomes a regular villain, because people want to see Wiccan posessed by an octupus as a regular thing, right?

Also Wiccans powers are a problem. HUGE NEW PLOT! His last two storylines were all about that. Childrens Crusade less, but it was the start of it. This is not a character trait! Its bad and unoriginal writing by now! Its the "Gays can't handle power" to Scarlet Witchs "Women can't handle power" in the past. Progress!

Our other villain Maker is old news without the team having ever met him, he considers the New Avengers a problem now despite the fact that he didn't care after the first time. Whisper is just a bunch of hightech thugs here and we never get to know what they actually did. The Tokyo mission is treated as part of regular everyday mission, despite there there having been only one mission in the past at all.

Thats a huge overall problem, this comic pretends there is a status quo without ever having built one. It says eight month time gap, here is the team on an flying hight tech island they do missions.

Except if you haven't read their other books you know nothing about the characters. They have no development or relationships beyond the ones they already had before either and those aren't really explored. We're never even given a reason why they are part of a team that is considered terrorists in the US. Worse yet, if you read their previous books you find heavy inconsistencies to how they are written and what they can do.

This is not rocket science. Squirrel girl studies psychology? Wiccans mother is a psychologist, and he also gets implied to have psychological problems.

Hawkeye is on a team with Wiccan and Hulklings old teammate and knew Teddys father personally and is a close friend of Billys other mother, who saw her powers go out of control before.

But instead we just get passive agressive Songbird "You're an idiot Clint.", this book didn't even tell us they used to be a couple. Likewise Powerman and White Tiger reference to have broken up multiple times, why? Why is nothing done with it.

The closest to actual development is Powerman not liking Billys codename, which came more across as the white male author voicing his pretentious white guilt through him.

And Pod and Toni, but people probaly wouldn't even care about Pod, if they had read everything about her so far, she is barely a character and this book doesn't put enough effort into changing that. Yeah, she might hook up with Toni in the future... and thats supposed to be character development then? I don't care unless both have their own personality and traits!

Missions are treated as everyday occurence, but we only had one and one attack on the island leading to one characters personal story. There is never any suspense in these stories with just plot point a-z getting rushed through. The one time they fought a powerful villain he was immediately defeated with the newest plot device.

And we get big groups of additional characters every issue. For the record this is a nine member team+plus Squirrel girls sidekick, who gets screentime+plus two named important supportive cast members and since issue three we always had a group 4+ people additionally to that. This makes 16+ characters without the villains every issue with plotlines only lasting two issues. The writer already announced a crossover with Agents of Shield in the near future, thats the same thing again.

There are too many characters especially considering how the writer doesn't seem to care much about them, beyond taking some basic fact about one character and twisting it into a story that contradicts it. No suprise nobody gets to shine and the pacing ends up abysmal.

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