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There was nothing Johnny Lee Wombat wanted more in his life than to be an Astronaut. When he was ten years old, he listened to the Moon landing on his radio, and knew then and there what his destiny was.

He worked as hard as he could, trained and studied, and after school managed to get a job in the Air Force. But not as a pilot, the usual track to being an astronaut - as a clerk. Still, that wasn't about to stop him. Wombat forged an application by putting his name on another man's service record and submitting it to NASA. He was accepted and called to duty, the proudest day of his life.

They kicked him out within twenty-four hours.

He was, to put it mildly, bitter. He believed that his passion would overcome whatever physical or educational deficiencies he might have had, that "grit" would make him the perfect astronaut. He wallowed in his bitterness for over a decade, during which time he fell into impotence and alcoholism, his marriage broke up, and he engaged in all manner of depravity. After ten years of self-pity and misery, he finally knew how he would prove to NASA and the world that he had the passion, drive and dedication they needed.

He channeled his anger into his work, and saved as much money as he could. Then he bought up twenty square miles of Arizona desert - not a very expensive proposition. Then he started buying up dynamite, and making his very careful plans.

After ten more years, he was able to carve "the biggest piece of profanity since God caught His dick in a zipper" - the words "FUCK YOU" a mile long.

When Jesse Custer wandered into his blasting zone, dehydrated, exhausted and missing an eye, Wombat took him in and nursed him back to health. When Jesse recovered enough to go and look for his girlfriend Tulip, Wombat loaned him a thousand dollars and wished him luck.

About a year later, Johnny Lee Wombat finally knew joy as the space shuttle Atlantis passed over Arizona and saw his message from space.


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