Iron Man 3

NOT Spoiler Safe. Plot is discussed in explicit detail. I can't describe why I was so burned by this film without mentioning specific details and major plot points.

Of all the problems I have with Iron Man Three (yes the word three as it insists) it's most glaring fault is it's schizophrenic tone. It can't decide to be an intense character study of a man without his armour - unable to feel safe after facing gods and other worlds and barley making it out alive, not being able to sleep for fear of letting his guard down and his mere toys won't be there to protect him. At other times it'll be a recalling your roots story, having Tony spend some real time with another fatherless son who's fresh approach to this whole super-heroism thing rekindles Tony's confidence in himself and his abilities.

Then there is the tone the film seems most comfortable in - Beverly Hills Cop. Tony spends 80% of action sequences out of his suits and bumbling around scenery, as trained security, militia, mercenary and ex-army guards and private armies get taken out by Inspector Gadget.

These often violent shifts - set to a script written by someone that took the few ad-hoc lines of Iron Man that made dialogue seem like real conversation and rung them out into two hours of garishly forced banter - make it not only difficult to attach to any of characters, but even the basic plot.

I really turned off on this film when after gallivanting about the bad guy's house Tony Stark bumps into Russel Brand. Only it's actually the freaking Mandarin. I saw S2E3 of Sherlock too, it was much better as a double bluff.

And when the real villain reveals himself and is asked "Why?"

"IDK, money?" is what you get.

I buy as many comics as I can afford a week, I can suspend my disbelief very easily (I loved Speed Racer), but once that had just about sunk in, the movie really broke. I started noticing a thousand and one little things that kept piling up higher and higher. Stark heavy scenes out of armour were like watching Peter Parker dancing down the street to me. The human plasma cutter henchmen could slap bolted together pieces of armour off in combat - but not get Iron Patriot open with his suit disabled and his limbs bound. Temperatures exceeding 3000 degrees and Killian's polo shirt is unscathed. Heat renders full Iron Man armour useless, but the suitcase suit can stand being wrapped up in what's effectively a whip made of EMPs and run with flickering screens. Col. Rhodes suits up, flies to Pakistan and does his Iron Patriot business in a green polo and khakis.

The movie name drops all these terms from the comics, but they're so detached from their print counterparts they hold no meaning whatsoever.

And although it's not technically part of the film, the post credits scene was a framing device. Does it make a difference that it's Mark Ruffalo he's talking to while he sits and collects a paycheck? Absolutely not.

IM hinted at Avengers, Hulk confirmed a linked film universe, IM2 showed us Thor, Thor had the set-up for Avengers, and Captain America had the direct lead into the third highest grossing film of all time - which in it's post credit scene showed the extended Marvel Universe in the glorious form of Thanos.

Iron Man 3 has the shawarma scene.

The actual good parts were oddly the weakest parts of Iron Man 1 & 2, the CG heavy robot fights. I love explosions and I enjoy a good popcorn movie, but this was far too lumbering in taking on an angle that it wasn't ready for, and floundered between tedious sit-com tropes for it's laughs with eccentric billionaire hanging round with a small boy playing with their toys while they try to out douche-bag each other in how they communicate. This and overcoming his anxiety disorder with a kid saying "You're a mechanic, make something" made me truly feel like I wasted my money watching this. Sorry Iron Man Three - I wanted to love you.