Green Lantern #89

I didn't want to believe it.

I really didn't. But there it was. Jesus. Crucified on the back of a friggin' airplane. Is there nothing sacred in this world? What is WRONG with O'Neil and Adams that they have to resort to the cheapest, most offensive...

This isn't even a paper-thin allegory! THERE IS NO ALLEGORY! This is "Avatar" levels of pretentious and preachy, folks! AVATAR-Levels! This is a morality play being told to children by head-up-their behinds liberals who decided to throw in Jesus Christ to make a cheap point about the importance of the environment.

Look. Let me get something straight. I am a liberal. I am a Catholic. I am a lover of the environment and of religion and I care DEEPLY for proper use of symbolism and interpretation of religion. I am not going to pretend that religion doesn't have problems or deny that religious symbolism can be overused. Here's the problem that I DO have.

I don't mind the crucifixion thing. Look, superheroes or normal people have been crucified in fiction before. That is not TOO offensive to me. It's shocking. It can be gripping. It can even be horrific and disturbing if used properly. What I DO mind is PUTTING AN OBVIOUS STAND-IN FOR JESUS CHRIST UP IN THAT POSE TO MAKE A CHEAP POLITICAL POINT! You don't DO that! That is BEYOND tasteless!

I'm going to bring up Superman now because we all like to do the "Superman as Jesus" thing a lot, don't we? Superman kryptonite aside, was nearly invulnerable for years and years, and it was that very invulnerability that made him inappropriate as a Christ figure. Until around the 1990's, there wasn't much in the way of crucifixion poses or anything. BUT in late 1992 DC Comics captured immense public attention with the "Death of Superman", and the scene of Lois holding Supes in her arms like she was Mary in a "pieta" was damn close to religious symbolism. He returned a year later much more vulnerable, especially as Clark, and heck, we even got a few covers of a crucifix Superman!

But the point is that superheroes are redeemer figures. It is their job not to "fix" problems of humanity. As Superman himself said in Grant Morrison's run on JLA, one of the best runs of the Justice League I ever read and in the first JLA storyline I ever read, he said "Mankind has to be allowed to climb and reach his own destiny" or words to that effect. The Flash asked "Well, then what's the point? Why do they need us at all?" And Superman said... "To catch them if they fall."

Bad. Ass.

To me, superheroes are like little Jesuses. They will teach you to fish so you can eat forever. If need arises, they will heal the sick and wounded and yes, sometimes, raise the dead! But they can't do EVERYTHING for you! Take that scene from Jesus Christ Superstar. He's being overwhelmed by people begging to be healed and Jesus, obviously feeling very pressured and frightened, says "There's too little of me...you have the power, save yourselves!" There's a limit, is what I'm saying. A limit to what you're supposed to do, what you ought to do and what lines you cross. And it isn't that offensive to use SOME religious symbolism or philosohical debate in comics. But making it this obvious and this...this heavyhanded is INSULTING. It isn't creative, it isn't witty or "in", this is just...it...

Look, maybe you have an issue with religion. I know that Jim Starlin does. He's written dozens of comics and he continues to bash it over and over. Why? Allow me to quote an interview with him.

"My well-meaning parents decided to send me to a Catholic grade school, to get a better education than I probably would have received at the local public school. They had no way of knowing that the school nuns, who were the majority of the teachers at this particular parochial school, were right-wing, card-carrying John Birch Society members. By the time I was in third grade, I already knew that the class-conscious, and often racist, bile coming from these supposed teachers was utter nonsense. I remember one nun denouncing President John Kennedy for his stand on civil rights. She was certain that his "vile attacks" on the country's class structure would bring about Armageddon. With a background like that, I couldn't help but question the validity of all religions."

Okay, I can UNDERSTAND that. But ONE experience he had...in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL...was enough to paint his worldview and have him think "I'll talk about how belief and faith is a lie"?

If you don't like religion, FINE! If you wanna TALK about it in your stories, FINE, but either be subtle or be creative!

An obvious Jesus-stand in being crucified on your front cover isn't creative.

And for the record...neither is the title. "And through him save a world".

Let's just take a look at Green Lantern, volume 2, issue number 89, shall we? (Sighs)

Obviously, he didn't do a very good job of painting, there's huge chunks of the previous paintjob still visible! But there might be those of you that think these seems...somehow...familiar...

Wait for it...wait for it!...

Yep. That's right, folks. That episode of South Park involving Cartman making that company that smeared poop paint all over people's walls? How much you wanna bet that Matt and Trey were inspired by this? I give them this though...they recognized the ONE remotely funny and entertaining part in this whole story when they saw it. I hope you got your laughs out of that because it is AAAAAALL downhill from here! Or rather, all down-slippery slope.

Green Arrow and Green Lantern head to Abraham so that Green Lantern can visit his girlfriend, Carol Ferris, the head of the company that Isaac (yeah, real subtle religious name by the way) has been harassing. Green Arrow's out in the woods just relaxing a little and working on his marksmanship when...

Oh HAI blond-haired, blue-eyed Jesus! Yeah, I can't POSSIBLY see any potentially insultingly preachy-looking storytelling opportunities in a story that features THIS character! I mean, LOOK at him! He's Jesus! He's a freakin' aryan Jesus with a Mr. Bluebird on his shouldeeeer! Can you BELIEVE that NOBODY turned to these guys and said "Now hold on, this is a bit much"?

ANYHOW, Hal saves Carol and her foreman from some falling pipes in her factory as she takes him through a tour of his rig. But it wasn't an accident. The "accident" was caused on purpose. Isaac caused this. Just giving it away. But WHY does he do all this? Well it isn't just because he cares about the environment. For him, this is personal. Let us read on.

Okay, I will say this. I LIKE the idea of him as a scientist. This shows that he's not just a dumb hippie who can only strum a guitar. I like the idea of him having parents that died of the same pollution that affected him. But this thing keeps getting preachier and preachier and more insulting with each page!

Luckily, Green Lantern shows up.

Okay, to his credit, Isaac genuinely seems to not want to actually HURT anybody with his work, but...he was a SCIENTIST and he didn't bother to think...how could he not foresee...this comic is trying to portray him as this innocent environmental prankster who's intelligent enough to know exactly how much to dismantle high-tech machinery at an airstrip, but anybody that smart would have KNOWN what they were doing could end up hurting innocent people! This isn't like painting the walls with garbage! This comic makes barely any SENSE when you think about it!

Oh, but Ollie gets on Hal's case and says "Isaac is working for a higher law". He then knocks Hal out when Hal, y'know, says Isaac should go to trial for BREAKING INTO A PLACE, COMMITTING SABOTAGE AND ALMOST KILLING PEOPLE.

Wow, Isaac is pretentiously stuck-up.

And THIS...is when the comic REALLY starts to get stupid and offensive. Just...let that fact sink in. See, Green Arrow and Green Lantern get caught by rather corrupt security guards and knocked out. As they're dragged back towards Ferris Airport...THIS happens.

...I'll bet you were thinking "Oh god, please, I thought they weren't actually gonna show him up there". Nope. They did it! They FREAKIN' did it! And it gets worse.

And! It gets WORSE!

Anyhow, they stick them ALL up.

Get it? "I wash my hands"?!

BUT WAIT! IT! GETS! WORSE!

OH! MY! F--KING! GOD! I'm sorry! I am really, REALLY sorry for losing my temper but THIS IS JUST DISGUSTING! This is just so HORRIFICALLY, CONTEMPTUOUSLY MANIPULATIVE AND PREACHY! There was NO allegory! NO metaphor! NO creativity put into this story AND THEY THREW IN THREE! Count 'em! THREE f--kin' crucified people to make a f--kin' point on how we should save the f--kin' trees! I think f--kin' GREENPEACE would see this comic and go "Jesus Christ, you're overdoing it, guys!"

.....and you wanna know the worst part? We're not even FINISHED yet! Just...I...I can't take it anymore. Just...look.

NOBODY would ever say-

THIS! STORY! SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!

This is it. The only reason this isn't worse than "Superman: Grounded" is because this gets to use the excuse of "It was made over 40 years go, they didn't know any better". And even THEN that excuse BARELY works.

I'm so depressed and SO angry. I...I don't know what to say. Green Lantern deserved BETTER than this. The comic book superhero is basically a redeemer figure, a claim that's well argued by Robert Jewett and John Lawrence in their book "The American Monomyth".

A community in a harmonious paradise is threatened by evil: normal institutions fail to contend with this threat: a selfless superhero emerges to renounce temptations and carry out the redemptive task: aided by fate, his decisive victory restores the community to its paradisal condition: the superhero then recedes into obscurity.

Jewett and Lawrence write that the American monomyth secularizes the Judeo-Christian redemption dramas that have arisen on American soil, combining elements from the selfless servant who impassively gives his life for others and the zealous crusader who destroys evil. The supersaviors in pop culture function as replacements for the Christ figure, whose credibility was eroded by scientific rationalism. But their superhuman abilities reflect a hope of divine, redemptive powers that science has never eradicated from the popular mind. People WANT to see Christ-LIKE figures. People acting LIKE Christ. Not disgustingly beat-you-over-the-head-obvious stand-ins that are supposed to be taken SERIOUSLY! Hell, FAMILY GUY'S Jesus Christ is more acceptable because Family Guy's meant to be satire! But...but THIS?!?

And I know what you're thinking. "Come on. How could a Jesus Christ stand-in not POSSIBLY be worse than any "Superman" comic series"? Trust me...it IS. And as soon as I get the chance, you'll see why as I cover the reasons why the JMS run on Superman called "Superman: Grounded" became THE worst Superman series I've EVER read!

Ya know what? You want a GOOD story using religious symbolism and figures and the like? Hunt down the graphic novel "Kingdom Come", which I did a whole journal on. THAT is an excellent story and well worth your time AND it looks beautiful! Don't read this unless you've got a strong stomach and can laugh at how head-up-its-ass-pretentious it is!