I ran into an old friend the other day.
I was arrested for driving under the influence.
Q:What group of people do cops target?
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Bob's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Also 7 has a hook for a hand so that's pretty scary.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
*Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.*
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.
What did one pancake say to the other pancake?
Nothing, there is no such thing as talking pancakes.
Argon walks into a bar...
Nobody notices because argon is a tasteless, colorless, odorless, and nontoxic gas.
Two men walk into a bar...
Not it's just me, I'm really lonely.
People are like drums.
If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.
Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes.
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?
Imprisonment for up to 20 years in an international detainment facility.
Why does the milkman carry milk?
Because that is his job.
I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression the other day.
It made me sad.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and a pretty good spring and summer, too.
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.
But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.
Where did Susie go during the bombing?
What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I have no idea, I don't speak Japanese.
What did the fat kid get for Christmas?
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
I'm about to rewrite history.
Do you know what Chuck Norris does for a living?
He's an actor, I also heard he's quite good with martial arts.
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.
The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water.
His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too."
So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.
Q: Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
A: Tax evasion.
It's the landlord.
Rent is due.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: Still a deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the animal's species.
Q: What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?
A: Both are not a lamp.
What do you call a joke with no punchline?
Q: What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the batmobile?
A: Get in the batmobile.
Q: What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A: A stab wound.
Q: Why can't the T-Rex clap?
A: Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A man walks into a bar. He suffers a fatal concussion and the playground is shut down by local police until proper padding is installed.
Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Roses are dead.
Violets are dead.
I am a bad gardener.
What did little Timmy want for Christmas?
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.
If life gives you melons, you are dyslexic.
What's Batman's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit.
A fat man has three chocolate cakes, a dozen buttered bagels, ten quarts of ice cream, and fifty rainbow cookies. He eats everything. What does he have now?
Two minutes until execution. He's on death row for serial murder.