W2O: Magical Girl Bakasaka

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#1 Edited by waezi2 (25427 posts) - - Show Bio

No one could escape the terror of Grandpa Gravy's good intentions.

The citizens of Köln ran in terror as the golems made out of meat, bread, salad and ketchup attempted to catch them and then force-feed themselves to their victims.

Grandpa Gravy, the Irish druid who had the ability to give food sentinel life was one of the... stranger meta criminals the world had ever seen. Not much was known about him beside the fact that he had made it his life's mission to travel around the world and make sure that no one would ever starve and be skinny again.

...

... Why he was in Germany instead of feeding the hungry in Africa was anyone's guess.

As a man screamed in terror, watching his wife who was about to choke to death in sentient food, Grandpa Gravy raised his arms in triumph as he flew on his giant roasted duck. All hose skinny people would be fad and well fed in no time. And nothing could stop him! Not even a-

"HORDE OF RAINBOW WARZEBRAS, ATTACK!!!"

Thirty multicolored horses galloped through the streets and rammed themselves into the golems with the helmet covered heads.

And then, both the zebras and foodgolems burst.

Not in a dynamite and bomb kind of way... more like... water balloons. Rainbow-colored sparkly water balloons.

Granpa Gravy was baffled. These zebras had appeared out of thin air. What was the meaning of this?

"Konichiwa!"

Gravy looked up and saw a young girl dressed in pink. She stood on a small pink cloud and smile as she made some sort of (silly) pose.

No Caption Provided

"Watashi wa Bakasaka, and I'm here to kick your shiri!" She made a ten-year-old-girlish laugh.

Most would be confused... But Gravy was an old man who rode on a giant, flying dead duck. He was hard to impress. So all he saw was a skinny girl.

So very, very skinny...

"Air strike!" A horde of grilled pigeons appeared on Gravy's command. "Feed the skinny one!"

"Eeeew! Meat!" Bakasaka waved the wand she held in her left hand. The heath-shaped gemstone at it's end began to glow. "I'm a vegetarian, you big mean baka!"

A big, bright light came out of the wand and turned the headless zombie birds into a thousand lollipops that fell to the ground.

"And now it's your turn, you big meanie!" Bakasaka held her mighty weapon and pointed it at the mad druid. "Turn into a-"

No! That's just stupid! It's TOO stupid! Just... bind him and make sure he can't speak. His food monsters react on verbal commands.

Bakasaka frowned. "Fine... GUMBALL BANDS, APPEAR!"

Before Gravy realized what the girl was planing, he was wrapped in sticky, pink rope(?) than metabolized him and covered his mouth, making it impossible to speak. The giant duck he sat on was transformed into a piñata by command of Bakasaka and then burst, making Gravy fall toward the ground. He would have died... if it wasn't for the gumball bands that made him bounce around like a ball.

"YATTA!" Bakasaka was trilled.

Later...

After seven interviews, fourteen handshakes, twenty-one selfies, giving out too many autographs to count, and thanking a cheering public for their kind words, Bakasaka flew home.

She entered the little apartment. She made a pose as she touch the purple gemstone on her chest, and she was surrounded by white light. The light took the form of a rose that slowly unfolded itself. And she then stepped out of the light-rose. Bakasaka was now taller, older and dressed in a green shirt and black pants.

"Aw man..." Alex Brühl groaned and stretched out. "I will never get used to this $!%¤#&."

Don't swear, ni-san! It's vulgar.

"Ah, shut your trap already." Alex threw himself into bed and grabbed a MX0 manga that he began to read. "And stop calling me that."

Are you still mad at me? It's been two days now!

"Me? Mad? NOOOOOO!" Alex rolled his eyes at the girl voice inside his head. "Why would I be mad? Having the mental picture of Roter Blitz kissing me forever burned into my brain is no big deal!"

Well, SUMIMASEN for having a little fun!

"It's bad enough that I can't get rid of you, I have to be involved in whoever you suck skulls with!"

You are just mad because you blew it with Ada and she dumped you last month!

"..." Alex didn't say anything. He just went on reading his comic.

... I'm sorry. That wasn't fair.

Alex ignored Bakasaka.

I know it's not polite to dig around in your memories without your permission. You just been thinking so much about it lately that I accidentally saw the memory.

"..."

It WAS an accident, REALLY! I'm sorry.

"..." Alex sighed. "Forget about it. It's no big deal."

... You wanna... talk about it?

"Na..." Alex sighed as he lied the manga on his bed table and reached for the light-switch. "But thanks for the thought. I will turn off the lights now. Good night."

Oyasuminasai.

One week earlier...

"This is nuts!" Alex ran as fast as he could. "I am SO dead!"

Buildings were burning, cars crashed, everyone panicked.

A giant robot money/octopus was rampaging through the city. Nobody knew why or where it came from. Only that it was dangerous.

Alex was a loser when it came to a lot of things. Including everything that was related to physical exercise. So he tripped and was exhausted after two and a half minutes of running for his life.

As he lied on the ground, gasping after air and almost sure that he was gonna die, he saw something lying in front of him.

A white gemstone.

Without knowing why, he reached for it, grabbed it and...

... Everything went white.

Alex found himself in a huge room. The floor, the wall, the roof, all of it seemed to be made out of glass. He was all alone. He stood up, wandering if he was dead.

YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED FOR POWER

Alex almost had a stroke. He looked around to see where the voice came from.

In front of him stood what looked like a white American Eskimo Dog.

It opened it's mouth and said:

I AM DOG

Alex stared at it. "... You don't say?"

CHOSE THE FORM

"Chose the what now?" Alex was so lost.

CHOSE THE FORM OF THE GUARDIAN, THE WARRIOR OF LOVE AND PEACE

"Warrior of..." Alex was baffled. He was about to ask one more question before he was interrupted by the dog that said:

THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE

"... Wait, slow down. I didn't chose anything, I-"

YOU MUST NOW TAKE THE FORM OF THE GUARDIAN

"But I didn't... Wait..." Alex was terrified as he realized what the dog meant. "Wait, WAIT! No! I did NOT choce that! It was just the first thing that popped up in mind when you said-"

THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE

"No! NO it has not! I don't even like-"

THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE

Alex was blinded by rainbow-colored light, then found himself back in Köln once more.

He looked to his left and found the mirror inside the window of a cloth store.

He had become a Japanese teenage girl.

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#2 Posted by waezi2 (25427 posts) - - Show Bio
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#3 Edited by wildvine (14888 posts) - - Show Bio

@waezi2: I know you edited this line Also, she had hair all over her body. but may I suggest just removing it? This line placement just breaks an otherwise fairly smooth dialogue. Its not what the line says-- its the line placement itself. Just scrap that dude. Your readers can pick up that the character has changed. If you have to do a transition you should have more to that line. Make Alex taller maybe? Broader shoulders? Short hair? There's ways to say "guy" besides being hairy.

Now before you think I'm just giving you hell, that was the one thing I had an issue with. The rest of the story is fine. Kind of wonky but pretty standard for this universe. The villain is funny and I like the hero. I also like the hero "gimmick" even though you did this before. Its a fun gimmick. There are a few typos but overall-- that is to say aboveand beyond the negative aforementioned points-- I thought this was a fun and quirky story. This is probably my personal favorite story that you have published lately.

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#4 Edited by waezi2 (25427 posts) - - Show Bio

@wildvine: Thanks, been meaning to write it for a while, but needed the right villain. Someone ridicules, yet revolting:) I might use Granpa Gravy another time.

And yeah, it's a reused gimmick. I originally intended to introduce Suehpro to the W2O, but a) others had influenced the character, so she wasn't mine alone and b) I thought the strong amazon demigod thing had been used a bazillion times before. So I chose another sort of fictional god-like superwoman: a magical girl :P Bakasaka is pretty much a parody of magical girls since Alex(who isn't too fond of the concept) created her unconsciously. And I made her German just to make it stranger:) Also because impurestcheeserecently mentioned that there is a lack of not-dark German heroes.

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#5 Posted by cbishop (15743 posts) - - Show Bio

@waezi2: Yeah, definitely like Suehpro, but way more annoying for the male character lol. You could have used Suehpro though- nothing says Kick-A-Long has to be continuity for anyone. I'm certainly going to use my two characters again, but KAL won't figure into their characterization.

As for this story- great story, but a ton of misspellings and several wrong word choices. The one that springs to mind is where you said the gum bands "metabolized" Grandpa Gravy- I think you meant "immobilized."

Cheers. Call me out if you write another one. :)

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#6 Posted by waezi2 (25427 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: I swear, my computer changed it to metabolized. I don't know how, URGH!

I know I COULD use Suehpro, but I wanted to make it as original as possible. Also, the strong amazon warrior is a bit of an overused female stereotype... So I used a NEW female stereotype:P And a grown man sharing his body with a teen girl is, as you pointed out, more awkward :D

But I'm thinking about introducing Maheswaran to the W2O.

BTW, when I make the site (I'm gonna call it Waeziverse.com) could I hire you as my editor? I can't pay you right away, but IF I get to the point of earning a little, then we could figure something out.

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#7 Posted by cbishop (15743 posts) - - Show Bio

@waezi2: Let me think about it- I'll PM you later.

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#8 Posted by waezi2 (25427 posts) - - Show Bio

@cbishop: All I'm asking for.

Also, Grandpa Gravy and Bakasaka is added to the character list

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#9 Posted by 4donkeyjohnson (2023 posts) - - Show Bio

ive missed heaps