The Spy Who Didn't Shag Me (A Leisure Suit Larry 2 Fic) Chapter 3

Happy April 6th. Today I decided it was time to post the third chapter of my adaptation of Leisure Suit Larry 2. This one features Larry's very first encounter on game shows, and these actually go very well for Larry. If you check back on Monday, you'll also be able to check the audio version of this chapter, as the link should be active by then, or at least after 10 AM Eastern time.

Again, in due time, this fic will get an updated look to it. I just need to figure out how it will look.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication, and do this mainly out of a love for the games. Also, the fourth wall will get demolished, and it's repair cost will be all on you.

Once Larry had his lottery ticket, he made his way back to the television studio. As I stated in the last chapter, this was no ordinary lottery ticket. It was Schrodinger’s Lottery Ticket. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the concept of Schrodinger’s Cat, since the theoretical experiment is well known, but not fully understood.

Schrodinger’s Cat is a theoretical problem, in which a cat is in a sealed box with a flask of poison, a way to break the flask, a Geiger counter, and a radioactive source. Once these items are in the sealed box, the Geiger counter is to monitor the radioactive source, and when it notes decay, it triggers the flask of poison to be shattered, thus poisoning the cat. This means that at any point after the box is sealed, the state of the contents is in theoretical flux. Most notable is the cat, which is either alive or dead, but until the box is opened, the cat is in both states. Now, reality would dictate that the cat would most likely be dead due to lack of oxygen, and when Schrodinger died, he probably got shabby treatment from Death since Death has a fondness for cats.

Larry’s lottery ticket was literally the same case. Since this was in the days before very sophisticated checking techniques existed, the ticket could be easily misread, or even forged. While Larry’s ticket was genuine, it was highly possible that if it couldn’t be read for whatever the reason, the numbers on it could easily change into winning numbers. This, of course, coupled with an ironically close live production schedule, meant big winners had a relatively short time to get to the studio.

Now, as Larry was walking to the studio, the lottery had done their drawing, and six unique three-digit numbers were picked. Even an extensive search on the internet could not bring those numbers to light. Of course, this could be due to certain events that followed, and that will be discussed much later. I should note that this event was almost akin to the Michael Larsen debacle, with the main difference being due to the event I’m about to relate, and that what Mister Larsen did was completely legitimate.

You see, when Larry made it into the studio, he was greeted by a rather dull looking receptionist. Her blonde hair was rather frizzy, and her outfit was barely fashionably tasteful. She was also chewing away on bubble gum. Of course, Larry was momentarily smitten by this woman. He then noticed that she was momentarily trying to focus on him. He didn’t know if this was a good thing or not.

He quickly pulled out his lottery ticket, and showed it to the receptionist, asking the obvious question. “Say, is this lottery ticket any good?” It was in this magical moment when the lottery ticket became Schrodinger’s Lottery Ticket. Since the ticket had to be visually confirmed, it meant the receptionist had to read it. This is normally not a problem; however, the receptionist had a family history linked to an eye problem.

I did not find this out until I sought out the receptionist. Her name had been Lolita Dinkley. She was the proverbial black sheep of the Dinkley family, who were all known to be very smart, in highly proficient careers, avid readers, and sadly all plagued with bad eyesight. Lolita was the black sheep because she wasn’t the smartest, she didn’t end up in a highly proficient career, and loathed reading. In fact, she was known to literally live day by day with guy after guy. To do this, she has been known to misplace her glasses.

After she tried in vain to focus on Larry’s lottery ticket, she shook her head, responding, “I don’t know. I’ve misplaced my glasses. As best I can remember, the week’s Lucky Life Lottery numbers are…” She had rattled off six three-digit numbers. It was at this point when the lottery ticket in Larry’s hand had fully become the mystical ticket. When Lolita mentioned all the winning numbers, Larry knew none matched his numbers.

Knowing a bit of combinatorics helps in understanding the lottery system, or the game of Numbers. Most lottery games use a limited set of numbers less than one hundred just to increase the chance of winning from possible to nearly impossible. This particular game, unfortunately, picked six numbers out of a set of one thousand numbers, including leading zeros in the numbers. The odds of matching one number is six out of a thousand, or to make it sound better, three out of five hundred. Matching all six is a number I will not attempt to spell out, let alone write out, but it is a number about sixteen digits long, putting the combinations in the quadrillions. Those odds led to not many contestants for the big prize on the show.

Larry was aware of this possibility, and even used it to his advantage. He smiled his best smile, and said, “What luck. Those are exactly my numbers. I’m glad I got here in time.” To ensure things continued to go his way, he quickly crumbled the ticket, and tossed it into a nearby waste basket.

Lolita nodded and said, “You are a lucky guy!” (But not lucky enough to be able to get with her, as she still had a somewhat fashion sense.) “The last Lucky Life Lottery show of the season is being taped right now. I’ll notify the director that you’re here, and I’m sure you’ll be called immediately.” She then pushed a button on her desk, and a door unlocked as she said, “Just head on back to the green room, and they’ll be with you soon.” Larry only nodded and made his way back to the green room. As he headed back, she then said, “And there is no reason to be nervous. You’ll just be on live television and will be watched by millions of people!” She chuckled after that as Larry entered the green room.

The green room is a sacred place in the theater. This is where performers and guests in a performance usually wait until they go on stage. These rooms are often designed in such a way that allows performers to relax between scenes or get off their feet while at the same time, being able to rest. The reason the name came about is lost, since not many green rooms are green. Given the superstitions of theater folk, it could be a joke due to having nervous first timers on stage. Let’s face it. To wish luck, they say something negative as a well wish, or a hopeful fate that will improve the well-wisher’s chances.

The green room at KROD studios was neither green, nor designed for comfort. The only place to sit in the room was a bench that was along the far wall. It also had doors to two separate studios. This is a bit unusual, since both studios were each filming a game show. One was for the Lucky Life Lottery show, while the other studio was for the dating show The Dating Connection. In fact, its latest episode had been recording, as well as broadcasting, at that very moment.

Now before we go onto the strange turn of events that are about to take place, I should note here that in the history of dating game shows is not an easy one. Shows like The Dating Game while popular at the time were not devoid of questionable content. The Dating Game was long known to have very famous people taking part in the competition, including such notable hunks as Andy Kaufman, and some guy known for playing a lethal robot. It also had the displeasure of having a serial killer on it, although they didn’t fully know it at the time. Knowing this should give you an idea why what is about to happen played out the way it did.

You see, after a few moments of Larry sitting on that uncomfortable bench, the door to the Dating Connection Studio opened, and one of the people working on the show came out and called to Larry. Now, if I had to describe the person who called to Larry, the best description I could give was to say they resembled Lamar from Revenge Of The Nerds. I will not repeat it word for word, but basically the man said, “You’re late! Where have you been, you silly little dickens?! We’ve just been worried sick about you. Hurry up, Honey, you’re ON!!” You see, this man was the contestant coordinator for The Dating Connection. It was his job to pick out the contestants and to make sure at least two were ratings worthy, while the other was the obvious bad date.

As the man re-entered the studio, Larry got up and followed, a little unsure since as he entered, he could tell it wasn’t where he was supposed to be. This, however, was the first mistaken encounter that Larry was going to have. You see, the man who was previously in the Green Room, and that Larry looked like, was actually going by the name Raguka Singh Soong. That man was an expert spy working for the KGB and the nefarious Dr. Nonookie. While posing as a physics professor, he got picked for the show, and was thankful that he received word that it was soon time to pick up the microfiche. He managed to sneak out when Lolita Dinkley was momentarily distracted with boss. Pictures of that distraction are reportedly available now on the very dark web.

Larry, however, was taking his place on The Dating Connection, which as I stated before, was one of those dating gameshows like The Dating Game and Love Connection. The big difference, however, was that the host was the ever-uncharismatic Biff Barf. He presided over the game which catered to some very unlikely contestants.

This particular episode of The Dating Connection featured one Barbara Bimbo as the eligible bachelorette. According to her short bio for the show, she was a computer program and apparently had some geeky interests. While my own research proved that her last name actually was Bimbo, and that she had obtained a degree in computer programming, her various professors stated something about she was very good with a joystick. (Stop snickering, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO SHOULDN’T BE READING THIS.)

Barbara was also the typical valley girl, who inserted the word like almost as often as every other word. I found this out when I went to ask her some questions about the show, and her first sentence was, “Like what like do you like want like to know like about that like sham of like a game show.” (Even typing that was painful.) This mode of speech can be seen throughout the episode and made most of the answers given seem like Shakespearian sonnets. While the other contestants gave very near romantic yet cheesily vulgar drivel, Larry’s responses were painfully pitiful, and would make one not think he could land a woman. His responses were almost like he was limited to only a certain number of characters in a line (like in some of those early Sierra games).

This is why Biff, as well as most of the audience, misunderstood Barbara Bimbo’s response to which bachelor she was going to pick. It was obvious to most that Larry was not supposed to be picked. Larry had even thought he wasn’t going to be picked, but that was also because he wasn’t supposed to be on the show in the first place. In a response devoid of likes, she said “Yes, and I’ve made my decision, you know, too.” This was misunderstood as picking bachelor two, which was Larry. This resulted in both winning a cruise on the U.S.S. Love Tub, which was a cheaper version of the Love Boat (and later was replaced by the P.M.S. Bouncy). This was a complete shock to Larry, and meant he had to get his passport from Eve’s place.

After the show had ended, he went back to the Green room, where ‘Lamar’ provided Larry with his ticket for the Love Tub. Larry returned to his seat on the bench, contemplating what this strange twist of fate meant. Maybe after his appearance on the Lucky Life Lottery show, he could find some way to woo Barbara on the ship. Perhaps if he came into enough cash, he’d be able to afford the best for her on the ship, and after that. He was already starting to imagine her in a swimsuit, as well as out of it.

Thankfully, Larry didn’t have time to dwell on those images as the other studio door opened up. This time, a lovely looking brunette came out, and broke those thoughts out his mind with a single glare. With that glare, she said “Hey, you! Where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you.” As Larry was supposed to be the very last contestant for the season, him going missing was a problem.

Thinking his explanation would help calm things down, he answered truthfully. “I just won ‘The Dating Connection’.” He almost smiled when he said that, but he caught the glare from the woman, and could tell that his response was already not helping him.

This was true since as the woman responded to his statement with, “Big Deal. You were supposed to wait here. Now hurry and follow me!” You see, as she said that, her mind was already running through the disastrous one-in-a-million scenario that could possibly happen now.

You see, every person working on any game show worries of the game looking rigged. Rigging game shows used to be commonplace back during their debut. Legendary quiz-show Twenty-One was one such case, and after that, anything that made a game show looked rigged became suspicious. In fact, the previously mentioned Mister Larsen did the impossible years later on a game show that was supposed to work on random chance and racked up a very huge amount of cash on Press Your Luck by never hitting a Whammy in the second round during a constant run of forty-five spins. Since then, shows that relied on luck made sure that big prizes were harder to obtain, while still statistically possible.

This is why as Larry was entering the studio, the lady was making sure the special device on the Lucky Life Lotto wheel was deactivated. This device was made to give the wheel a slight bit of oomph to move it off the big prize. It would have still landed on a big prize, but not the biggest ever offered. She had been already running the odds, and she figured that Larry, dressed as he was, was a loser. If ‘The Dating Connection’ rigged the game in his favor, she wouldn’t need to worry about him winning. If it wasn’t rigged, and down to dumb luck, she was certain the wheel was going to land on that big prize. The ratings would skyrocket, of course, but she wondered if it would sink the show as well.

The host of the show, Riff Barf (who wasn’t related to Biff Barf as far as he knew) announced Larry as the final contestant of the episode. He didn’t even interview Larry due to time constraints, and it is said Riff muttered something to Larry under his breath. So Larry did the only thing, and walked over to the wheel, and gave it a good spin.

Big money giveaways are designed to be a near impossible chance. A perfect example of this is getting the bonus for spinning a dollar on the Big Wheel on The Price Is Right. Landing on the one-dollar spot on the Big Wheel is a one in twenty chance. Landing on that spot two times in a row was a one in four-hundred chance. Landing on that spot five times in a row would be a one in 3,200,000 shot. Such a remarkable chance is unlikely, but still possible by the laws of probability. Such events would be an automatic attention getter, as well as a news flash that was worthy of the country. It is also why various games of chance with a possible huge payout are rigged not to pay out too often if someone is capable of beating the odds in any legal way.

The biggest spot on the Lucky Life Lotto wheel was one spot worth one million dollars a year for life. There were other spots on the wheel that were worth less a year for life, or just as an amount to be paid out on air there. One million a year for life was a prize to hope for but would be a nightmare if it was one for whomever was financing the Lottery. This is why the wheel was normally rigged to not land on that spot.

As the wheel started to slow, I should remind everyone of Murphy’s Law. This unwritten law states that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. It is further expanded to state that when it goes wrong, it will do so at the worst possible time. There is one part that is little known of, and that part is that at that time, it will benefit one person in the best way. That is exactly why the wheel stopped on the big prize for Larry.

Once that happened, everyone reacted as if it was the most amazing thing. In truth it was, but they were prepared for it for the most part. A special preprogrammed light sequence was activated. Riff Barf made a big show of excitement. The studio audience was already giving a standing ovation. To top off the spectacle, the hostess of the show came out and presented Larry with the first ever printed one-million-dollar bill, as Larry’s prize was one million dollars a year for life. Larry, having just won a cruise with Barbara Bimbo, now had the means to secure her heart as well (he thought so at least).

Now as Larry left the studio with his prize, the producers and the Lucky Life Lottery corporation were in a panic, as there was no way (at that time) to ensure that kind of payout on a yearly basis. When it was found out the device to prevent this from happening was not active, they were about to fire someone when it was discovered that had it been activated, the device would have malfunction causing a massive problem. This meant they had only one choice, and Larry would find out the impact of that choice much later (and you’ll find out about it at some point in this narrative). Right now, Larry had to prepare for his cruise.