The New 616: Origin Part 1 of 3

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hype2

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#1  Edited By hype2

-Michael's Notes- I know no one may get this, and I don't know how they'd get this. I mean it's not like I'd show them my private journal...but anyways, this is all about how Michael, (ahem, me) became Spider-Man.

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It was just a normal New York City day, at least, as normal as it gets. Of course the city was the most crime ridden city in all of New York. So that speaks volumes. Yet enough of that, let’s get into the real stuff. Let’s fast forward to me; a scruffy, average, black kid.

I was just getting off the bus and headed back home when suddenly. "Hey he's got pockets! Let’s rob him!" A strange man with a mask was yelling towards his buddies. Soon, three men in masks were chasing after me. "Hey, can we talk about this, I really don't wanna get robbed!" I yelled out as I ran as fast as I could. Yet I was starting to stumble in front of random citizens.

"Hey I'm working here!" A random guy yelled out as I bumped into him. Gasping, I was soon cornered...in a corner. "Now give us all your cash." I was soon crawling, nearing a wall, as one of those guys shouted something out. "We don't normally rob children, but we're low on cash and-" The guy is suddenly stopped by someone completely unexpected, "Spider-Man?!" The men cry out in unison as they stumble backwards. "You guys are going down!" Spider-Man says as he slams one of the robbers into a trash can. Then he webs the others to the ground.

"You alright?" Spider-Man lowers his hand to me, my eyes were closed, I looked as if I was drowning in fear. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw Spider-Man staring right at me. "N-nah I'm good." I yell out as I collect myself and stand up. "You weren't much help anyways..." I mumble under my breath, obviously I wasn't very fond of Spider-Man.

"What?! I saved your butt!" He shouts at me. "You may have saved my butt, but the city is still drowning in crime!" I shout back at him like a child and cross my arms. "I'm doing the best I can." He snaps back before beginning to swing off. "It's my responsibility to keep this city in check, without me. This city would've drowned years ago." And just like that, the "Spider-Man" swings off. That left a sour taste in my mouth. "He thinks he does so much..." I mumble to myself, as I began walking home.

I was home an hour later. "What took you so long?" My mom asked as she cleaned the kitchen counter. "Oh you know, stuff..." I didn't actually do much; it was a Saturday. So before she could ask about what exactly happened; I was in my room, writing in my journal about the day, and soon enough, it was evening. "Michael, come eat!" Mom shouted as I opened my door and headed for the kitchen.

-Michael’s Notes 2- As you can probably see, I didn't like Spider-Man, didn't even think he did his job well. I felt like the city was drowning. You see, part of that was because my dad, is a cop. I always thought he did a really great job, until spider-man showed up. Then suddenly all these villains showed up. Like Kingpin, Scorpion, Electro, and Shocker.

After dinner I was out. "I'll be back by ten-thirty!" I yelled out to my mom as she nodded at me, "Make sure you take a shower once you get back, you look scruffy!" She yelled out to me as I closed the door. I hit the bus, "alright get on quickly!" The bus driver spoke as the bus began to move. I soon began texting my uncle, Steve. -Yo, can I come over your house? - I text him, soon he texts me back. -Uh sure. What's up? - -Nothing, much. I figured seeing my uncle every once in a while would be nice. - I suddenly grinned. Yet my grin instantly turned to a frown as the bus hits a bump. "Sorry about that folks." Most people on the bus sigh, but I pay little attention to the driver.

Suddenly, the New York City bus hits a random stop near Central Park. "Who's that?" The driver asks as suddenly some man in a vulture suit began terrorizing Central Park. "What the-!" I shouted out as people ran out of the bus with urgency. I soon ended up running alongside the terrified people. Instantly, a woman shouted. "Spider-Man will save Central Park!" Suddenly and surprisingly, a giant guy in a rhino suit started plowing through the trees.

News helicopters swarmed the area as the rhino began destroying the water fountains and what not. Suddenly the bald vulture guy sent feathers from his robotic wing and shot them like quills, a news helicopter was hit and landed on the ground, exploding. "This is intense!" I yelled out, but for some odd reason. I ran towards the action. I sat behind the gate at Central Park. I examined the enemies that were destroying the area.

'Where is Spider-Man?!' I think to myself, Spider-Man was completely gone, nowhere to be found. The rhino grabbed the bus I was previously inside, and throws it towards me. 'How did he see me!' I think, I also thought this was my doom, but as fate might have it; it wasn't. I was saved by Spider-Man and flung into a nearby trashcan.

I was knocked out completely. Yet I soon woke up inside the trashcan, incredibly lucky to be alive. I widen my eyes. 'S-spider?!' My mind went black, my skin hairs tingled strangely, and my body felt stranger than normal. A strange spider with odd red marking bit me on my arm. I instantly slapped it off. I leaped out of the trash can abnormally. Barely landing on my feet, "What happened to me!" I yelled.

I stared at Central Park, the matter had already been taken care of. Spider-Man had saved the day, capturing Rhino inside some kind of paralysis net, and the Vulture...was nowhere to be found. Spider-Man spoke to me from atop a street light to my surprise. "Hey kid you okay-" I sensed him, he sensed me, and I felt a strange tingle. "You're like me, a spider-" "How could I be a spider!" I snapped back angrily. "I don't know how, but I can help you, you've got some crazy strange powers now. If you ever decide, just go to Central Park tomorrow." I considered this, but just walked without saying a thing.

'I can help you ' Spider-Man's words repeated in my brain as I sat on my bed. I had told my uncle I couldn't make it earlier, so then I just sat on my bed. Waiting for the night to end. 'I couldn't go with him, and become a spider...could I?' I thought to myself, and soon my eyes narrowed. Soon, I fell asleep.

-Michael's Notes 3- If you can tell, I was very unsure of what was going to happen with my life. I didn't know whether or not I become Spider-Man. I still don't know whether or not it was the right choice! But hey at least it's interesting.

-Snores- the Sunday sun rises up as I snore my life away. I eventually hang on the edge of my bed and fall onto the ground, my eyes slowly widen, and I see I'm on my bedroom floor. "Huh?!" I questioned randomly, for some odd reason my hand was stuck to my bed sheet. "Get-get!" I yell for an inane reason. I jumped backwards as I grab my arm with my other hand. I still couldn't pull my hand off my bed sheet no matter how hard I tried.

"Grr!" I growled as I accidentally jumped onto the wall of the bedroom. "I can stand on walls now?!" I screamed as I suddenly sensed something, or someone. "What's going on over there!" My mom yelled as she began walking towards my bedroom. 'Okay, chill just...' I think, I instantly fell to the ground; and my hand was unstuck. 'So all I have to do is...calm myself...or maybe, I have to stop struggling so hard.'

"Okay what's going on!" My mom stormed into my room as she stared at me, reading through my journal. "Oh nothing mother..." I speak in a slight British accent. She only scolded me and began walking to the living room. I closed my journal and sat it down on my desk.

I leave the house a few hours later, New York City always looked awesome in the morning, but that day; it looked a bit frightening. I had so many thoughts and questions, and the only one I felt like could answer was Spider-Man. So I gave Spidey a visit. "Hello...anyone here..." Central Park looked completely deserted after the Rhino and Vulture attacked. "I knew you'd show up!" Surprised, I leaped backwards onto a tree. "I so you've come for help." Spider-Man suspected. "I-I wanna be like you, I wanna become S...S...Spider-Man. I guess it's my responsibility."

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hype2

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Bronze_Surfer

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@hype2: Big improvement, only thing I could add is that maybe don’t have multiple different people speaking in the middle of one paragraph. At the very least make a new paragraph or space each time a new individual speaking in order to better understand who is talking

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hype2

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@bronze_surfer: Alright then, thanks for the review. I'll likely do that for part 2.

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TheFortress

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@hype2 Good first entry! Really anticipating more of the story. My only real criticism is the same as bronze_surfer. It just breaks up the flow of the story to have multiple people speaking within the same paragraph. Other than that, really good job!

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BKole

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@hype2 Not a bad start. I'd echo what is already said from the others above, but also try and do more showing and less telling. I realise that's a function of first-person. The fact you've adopted a present tense makes it even trickier in that respect, and it starts to slip into past tense on more than one occasion - I'd recommend just sticking with past. It's easier!

One part particularly stuck out as well "I speak with a slight British Accent", (First question is, what is a British accent? As Britain covers multiple countries and multiple regions with different accents and dialects) and secondly, was kind of a weird thing to have. It falls under that "Telling" rather than showing thing (I recognise its hard as well, its a trap we all fall into - We want to convey far more information than we have room for sometimes, but trust the reader to pick it up).

A great start and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Michael.

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TDK_1997

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@hype2: Not a bad first entry. However, there were some slight problems I managed to notice. First of all, as the others said, try to separate the dialogue on different rows or paragraphs. Second of all, the dialogue is a bit odd and doesn't really seem natural but with time you will get better. And final, the character interactions at times are odd and the reason for why they are doing a certain thing - how and why were Rhino and the Vulture attacking Central Park, how did Michael just happen to find Spidey out of nowhere and stuff like that.

Otherwise, a compelling story that just needs polishing.