Well, it is July 27th, and after a bit of a trying time involving an injury at work, a massive cleaning of the apartment, and finally getting back to work, I have some new stuff to post. The first thing ready ended up being the newest chapter in my Leisure Suit Larry adaptation. This has been a fun little project, and I enjoy doing it. It helps get me in a better mood, especially as I've had to deal with some problems recently, which includes a sprained tendon, at least I hope it is just a sprain. Hopefully, this puts a smile on your faces as I include whimsy into this already funny game.
Again, in due time, this fic will get an updated look to it. I just need to figure out how it will look.
|General LSL Disclaimer|
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication, and do this mainly out of a love for the games. Also, the fourth wall will get demolished, and it's repair cost will be all on you.
The Modern Day Casanova
|First Chapter||Let's Meet The Man|
|Chapter 2||Lost Wages|
|Chapter 3||Newbie at the Bar Scene|
|Chapter 4||Bathrooms and Back Rooms|
|Chapter 5||The Realm of Typhoid Va-Jay-Jay|
|Chapter 6||The American Institution|
|Chapter 7||The Slightly Safer Street of Lost Wages|
|Chapter 8||The First Conquest|
|Previous Chapter||Larry's Luck|
Chapter 10: Checking out the Casino
As any good patron at a casino knows, or at least any who gets past the gaming section, casinos offer more than games to part visitors from their money. Also, the more responsible gambler (and yes, they do exist), takes time to refresh themselves. They stop gambling to rest up or take a break to relax their minds. For these reasons, most casinos also offer lodgings, food, and even a show.
Since Julius Bigg was more into wealth and power, he made sure his casino had the minimum. The hotel part was set up on eight floors, with an exclusive penthouse on the top floor. That was usually rented out to one wealthy out of town woman, and at her request, the elevator was guarded by one of the best guards that Julius knew of.
He also had only one Honeymoon Suite in the place, and the only way you knew it was there was because it had a heart on the door. As he figured, anyone on their honeymoon wasn’t gambling, and thus wasting the room for someone who would be gambling. As it was, there was a standing arrangement for the room thanks to a group running a very specific con. He didn’t bother disturbing them since they usually left their victim in a very humiliating state, which was good for possible blackmail, if they weren’t totally cleaned out.
The casino also had a cabaret set up on the main floor. It usually consisted of two very different acts. Unlike most other shows in casinos, the ones in this casino were not the best. Julius preferred that so that more time was spent gambling. Unknown to him, one person actually had an amazing skill that anyone would pay good money to have them performing there.
Larry, once getting to the back of the casino explored the immediate area. His first stop was to check a payphone that was in the lobby. When he first spotted it, he figured that there was a slim chance that someone left a coin in it. (It was a very slim chance for reasons that will be obvious in a moment.) He then decided that since he had scored big at the casino, he would share the good new with his mother, or even Roberta, his lady friend at that old hint line.
This plan got kyboshed the second he went to try it. It had nothing to do with the fact that his mother had already shut off her phone line and was halfway to his sister’s place. It also had nothing to do with the fact that after his prior phone call, Roberta had quit for the day, and was hanging with a wonderful pair of a gaming programmers responsible for a highly praised RPG series. It also had nothing to do with his money being bogus, as that would just be horrible business for a casino.
It was due to the fact that a wad of bubble gum was placed in the coin slot. This gum was not just any gum, but Twerp gum. According to rumor, this gum was made from the innards of one of the rarest of dangerous cryptid creatures, one whose name I don’t dare utter in fear of invoking an attack from one of these dangerous creatures. As it is, this gum had a warning put on it that excessive chewing, and subsequent bubble blowing could result in death. (All the testers are rumored to have died from suffocation when the bubble popped, covering their heads in something that couldn’t be removed.) It was for this reason that the phone was out of order. The phone was never replaced because that prevents coins from being wasted on anything other than the machines, by the owner’s logic.
Larry then started heading over to the cabaret, but he momentarily stopped when he spotted something odd in the garbage can. He looked again, and almost gasped in horror at what he was seeing. It was a membership pass for the Discotheque. What kind of heathen (in Larry’s mind) would throw away such a sacred thing. Even better, the card wasn’t a photo identification. Larry had a feeling the bouncer there wouldn’t remember every person who had membership. (The lack of a photo on the membership card isn’t a mistake, but more of a realization that people might not want to admit they are members at a discotheque.)
The truth about that pass, however, was that it was purposely left there by that gang of con artists. The very same ones who had planted the ring in the sink at Lefty’s. In fact, it was also the same on who had shoved the gum in the payphone when they started the con. That individual was covertly hidden as one of the hired shills playing one of the slot machines. When they saw the card being taken, they covertly contacted the ringleader. Larry was now marked for the con, and it was only a matter of time.
Larry, unaware of this, pocketed it. (I couldn’t resist using that term. I want to mess with the audio attempts at this. J.K. would be proud.) He then made his way into the Cabaret, only to see a chorus line of dancers. They all looked alike to Larry, since they were all overly endowed, showing a lot of cleavage, and long sexy legs. If Larry took a moment to actually look past the eye candy, he would have noticed that they looked exactly alike. There is a reason for this, as such an event is extremely improbable. The truth about them was that they were a troupe of female impersonators. It is true, however, that some men have fallen for them, and got a rude surprise when they got to the more physical nighttime activities.
All that aside, Larry stood there, almost drooling for a few minutes before he regained his wits. He even debated trying to ask one of them out, but even he knew better than to interrupt them while they were preforming. Larry wisely left the Cabaret to check out the one feature left in the lobby: the elevator.
This particular elevator was one of a kind in the world. Most buildings in the world just have regular boring elevators whose only feature is that torture called elevator muzak. If the buildings have an elevator that was not in a closed shaft, then they would use a glass elevator, so the people using it could look out at the sights. These elevators are not advised for those suffering from acrophobia. This particular elevator was of the glass variety, but the shaft it went up was set on a double helix structure. This meant that as it went up, it spun around, and it lined up to open on the same side on every floor. The man who designed this has made sure it is the only one like it in the world (mainly because of the onslaught of lawsuits that got redirected to him via Julius, as Julius made sure that he had things legally set up that he wasn’t responsible for how the elevator was designed or installed.)
Larry, unaware of this, marveled at the look, and decided to go all the way up to the top floor. He pushed the top floor button, once getting in, and watched as the doors closed. He glanced down for a moment, wondering about the odd choice of the flooring of the elevator. He couldn’t figure out who would make the floor a vomit color. Once the elevator started spinning upwards, Larry was thankful that he hadn’t had anything to eat too recently. He just barely registered that all the floors were set up in a round format, with several rooms around the central area.
When the elevator stopped at the top floor, Larry staggered out. He closed his eyes for a moment, as the world was barely standing still for him. He also now had a greater appreciation for his mother during those times when he was little and he would twirl around non-stop. He also developed a momentary respect for all those women who would twirl around like that. That respect ended when he thought about the outfits they wore, and how tight they appeared to be. Larry, like many men of the era, had developed a crush on Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl. (He wasn’t the only one since I had seen that campy Batman show many times growing up. Honestly, the episode where they were all made 2D bummed me out until they were restored.)
Once he recovered, Larry took note of how the floor was laid out. Half the floor was devoted to rooms, while the other half had another elevator, a desk, and one of the best looking security personnel that Larry had ever seen. They were the kind of guard Larry was already hoping would frisk him. He even pulled out his breath spray and freshened this breath.
The reason for this was actually one of the best guards for the private penthouse of the casino. Her name was Faith, and she maintained watch on the private elevator to that penthouse. She did this with a brilliant combination of attire, attitude, and skill. First off, her attire, which showed off not only an exceedingly generous amount of cleavage, but displayed both sets of guns she had. Her attire also managed to stay in place, preventing any wardrobe malfunctions, much to any guy’s chagrin. Her attitude helped since she could rebuff any advance from a man, or woman, and it was rumored only a medical aphrodisiac could melt that attitude. The final part of that triple threat was her marksmanship, and the fact that she could shoot a fly off a post at fifty paces. It is said that Faith had crossed paths with a British woman who considered her an equal in each area, and they remain friendly rivals when in certain competitions together. Her first thoughts when seeing Larry was ‘Oh god, this guy is a loser of the highest caliber.’
As it was Larry approached her, and turned on all his charm, (which in his mind had the power of a spotlight, but only had the power of a nightlight) and eyed her up and down. To his delight, he first saw her huge guns with had to be in the double letter range. Then he noticed the other set of guns she had, and he got the feeling they were 45’s. Whatever he said had to be not cheesy, or too forward, so he went with his reliable standby. “Hello, baby. I’m Larry, Larry Laffer.” He held off on the wink or any finger gestures.
Faith responded in kind, with a very cutting comeback that would tell almost any man that she wasn’t interested. “Hi. I’m Faith. Is that a roll of dimes in your pocket, or are you happy to see me.” If you wonder why that is such a cutting remark, allow me to clarify. A standard roll of dimes, which has fifty dimes in it, and is equal to five US dollars, is approximately two and a half inches long, and have a diameter slightly larger than two thirds of an inch. They are the smallest coin in US currency, and no man in his right mind wants his manhood described as terms that small. (And if read this wondering what that means, YOU SHOULD NOT BE READING THIS. I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU MINORS THIS. STOP READING RIGHT NOW.)
Larry, being new to the dating world, didn’t catch the jab at his manhood, but took it to mean that she had checked out his own newly used ‘package’. He took a chance and leaned a little on her desk. He paused for a moment, considering his next words carefully. “If you weren’t doing anything later, maybe we could get a drink later. I’d love to know how a lovely figure from heaven ended up down here.” (This remark just showed how new Larry was to the dating world.)
Inwardly, Faith rolled her eyes, but she felt a bit sorry for this loser. He was so out of his element, but she had to make sure he got the picture that he had no chance with her. She tapped her guns, and said in a neutral voice, and responded. “Sorry, I’ve got to do some things with Hope and Charity tonight.” (It is not uncommon for someone who has a particularly favorite firearm, or firearms, to name them. Sadly, these names haven’t just been used for that set of 45’s.)
Larry heard the words and nodded. He was inwardly in awe and hoped to get to see those two double lettered guns named Hope and Charity. He did, however, notice her cold attitude, and recalled a legend her heard in his youth. He had heard of a miracle item that was guaranteed to turn any ice queen into a hot tamale. He knew now that he had to find this miracle item, and left Faith to her job. He went to the elevator, and decided to head downtown to the lobby, one floor at a time.
As Larry takes this slow trip, checking the rooms on each floor, I feel I must educate you on this miracle item. You see, there are currently two ways to hear of this miracle item. I first heard of the miracle item in one routine by a now questionable comedian’s act. This comedian, whose comedy for the most part is still funny, told the story in the way of the first way to hear about the item. There was teenaged Hispanic boy who would tell other boys about this miracle item: The mythical Spanish Fly. It was later found out that this ‘boy’ went around to various neighborhoods around the world telling this tale. It is currently believed that this ‘boy’ must have the secret of eternal youth that has been held by people of Asian descent, and the late Dick Clark.
Now that I have informed you of this, we rejoin Larry in the lobby, as he makes his way over to the Cabaret again. He was hoping to ask out one of those dancing girl, but their act had apparently got finished. When he entered the room, he now saw a comedian performing. It wasn’t the same one I mentioned previously, as even when he was performing, he was too big a name for Julius to hire him for shows. This comedian was very low brow, and told nothing but very low brow jokes.
Needless to say, Larry had to watch this man’s show, and made his way over to a table with only one chair at it. He sat down, and the room was filled with the sound of flatulence. Larry felt embarrassed for a moment, only to realize that there was a reason the chair he sat on was set up to be the only place to sit. It had on it the Fartmeister 4000 whoopie cushion on it. This was known as the loudest whoopie cushion in the world, and only three were ever produced and sold. This comedian had been one of the purchasers. Larry put this aside, and enjoyed the slew of jokes the man told. He laughed, but in the empty room, his laughter sounded fake.
The only other being in the room was the drummer who actually had a real talent, and the comedian knew it. He incorporated it as the ending to his act, and kept telling bad joke after bad joke. When there were usually more people in the room, he knew they would slowly leave, usually the last one left just as he told his last joke. Since Larry sat through all the jokes, the comedian knew his comedy act was going to get out shown.
The comedian looked back at his drummer, knowing what was coming. The comedian had no real talent, but the drummer was actually blessed with clairvoyance. The drummer had once gone in a casino, and made a nice chunk of change, before being pegged as a cheater. Since most casinos frown on that, and report people like that, he never did it again. He did, however, do an amazing mind reading trick. You see, after the comedian told his last joke, he stated what the drummer was about to do. The drummer then proceeded to announce to everyone in the room, which was only Larry, that Larry had ten thousand dollars in his wallet, as well as a few expired and maxed out credit cards, and the various items that was in Larry’s pocket. Larry sat there dumbfounded for a few minutes, before he could even think to get up and leave. The fact that Larry’s mind could be blown enough to make him stationary for a few minutes should be a sign that he’s an easy mark. Something he didn’t even realize.
|Library Page||RichGenX's Library - The Modern Day Casanova|
Effects of Fourth Walls Shattered: I've stop keeping track. It's too much to total.
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