The Immortal Part 1

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mikesterman

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#1  Edited By mikesterman

this is my first original fiction post of my character. feel free to comment any constructive criticism you may have, please go easy, grammar is not really my Forte. (Warning adult content rated m for mature for the following: drug and alcohol reference, extreme violence)

i own all rights because these characters are mine, thought up from my brilliant imagination, nobody can say otherwise

chapter 1

I was rudely awakened by the sound of a tiny dog's high-pitched bark, as a thin ray of sunlight crept through the shades and reddened my eyelids. How much I hate that dog. How I would like to grab it by the snout and toss it to kingdom come. I walked to his door and tried my hardest to knock gently so I don't make a hole through his door. When he opened it he scolded me for knocking like a cop, he smelled of alcohol and marijuana, Little does he know that if I knocked any harder his door would've been on the floor.

"Yeah, whaddya want?" he asked me with an annoyed look on his face.

"Your dog has been barking since dawn," I told him, trying my best to keep my cool. "Can you please walk him or something?"

"So you want me to get out of my bed and my slumber, to walk a dog that is stopping you from yours? You have got to be out of your friggin mind." Then he slammed the door in my face.

I remember when people didn't dare talk to me like that. The very thought of his disrespect makes me want to break the door down and rip him in half, but in this era, that would've ended with the cops at my door. Then I would have to fight them off, then the body count would never stop, and I don't feel like starting that now.

If people knew who I was, or what I can do, or even how old I am, I'd have to fight every second of every day.

I am Demetrius Lippio, and this is my story.

I was born around 520 BC in Sparta, Greece. My mother died during my birth, and I never knew my father, so I lived with my grandparents. At age eight, I was moved to the Spartan training camp, where I would live until I was a warrior. They would feed us very little, and make us sleep in harsh conditions. The generals encouraged us to steal food from other people. I tried my best to avoid that, until somebody stealth fully stole my bread without me noticing. So I tried to steal so I wouldn't be hungry. Unfortunately, the generals caught me. They grabbed me and tied me against a wooden pole. They grabbed a huge branch of wood, and struck it against my back. I felt nothing but a thud, as I heard the branch break to pieces. The generals were amazed, but they continued to look for a bigger branch and whip me with it, but it suffered the same fate as the latter. That's when I learned of my durability.

When I grew to a youth, the generals were teaching us how to wrestle. When it was my turn to practice, I breezed through every opponent with ease. None were able to move me when I got into the wrestling stance. And I would toss everyone around like rag-dolls. It felt as if they had no weight to them, but I was able to do the same to men that surpassed me in size. And during weapons training, none of the swords were able to penetrate me. I even let them get a few slices and stabs in. Many swords and spears were bent and broken that day.

The generals saw my strength and durability, and they decided to use me as their secret weapon. I was put into the front of every battle, and I was in charge of taking out the enemy cavalry. So every battle I would tackle the horses to the ground, and lift the chariots off the ground and smash them. After the cavalry was gone, I was free to fight who I pleased.

When the enemy saw my strength, they made me the first target to kill, but I was able to take out the entire enemy force single handed, without weapons.

A sort of cockiness grew inside me, and soon I was bragging about my abilities every day. During one battle against the Persians, the battle of Marathon, I toyed with the enemy and beat them senseless. "YOU CALL YOURSELVES IMMORTALS? I AM THE IMMORTAL!" I declared that at the top of my lungs, and I was soon labeled the Immortal by every one who heard of me.

But that was long ago. I have fought in many other wars, I even moved to America to fight the Revolutionary War because there was none going on in Greece. The last war I fought in was World War II . But I never fulfilled my purpose to die in battle. (The greatest honor for a Spartan to receive, is to die in battle). I've fought with that purpose ever since my wife died of a sickness, while I was out fighting in the battle of Thermopylae. But none were ever worthy enough to defeat me, So I gave up and sank into a great state of depression. I long to be with my wife in death, but I fear that is a luxury I cannot have.

The man next door on the other hand (and his dog), might meet my wife soon.

chapter 2

5:46 AM. CIA Base, Langley, Virginia. CIA Operator, Charles Henderson.

"OK guys, here is the deal," Henderson starts, as he locks the conference room from any outside intervention, this is a top secret meeting.

"I've had my IT guys, look through all the files of our army since I came across this strange picture." He opens a slide show revealing a picture of a group of soldiers from the civil war era, Demetrious is in the picture with a rifle slung over his shoulder.

"Then I found this picture from my grandfather's chest of his World War II things," the picture also has a group of soldiers, one of them is Henderson's grandfather, next to him is Demetrious, with a Thompson slung over his shoulder.

"Don't these guys look a little too similar to be descendants? My grandfather always told me of stories of a man in his battalion, who was immune to gunfire and grenades, and who lifted tanks like they were cardboard boxes, but I thought he was nuts, until I came across this picture. Its the same guy on both pictures, his name is Demetrius Lippio, and he was in the army from 1779 to 1943. If this man is as strong as my grandfather thinks he is, he will make a wonderful asset to our ongoing war against terror, and we might even scare the crap out of the Russians and the Koreans with him. We have his location. Hell, he's even in the AARP registry. He lives in Connecticut. I want to send you guys to his house and persuade him to enlist again. This is top secret and I want you to keep it a secret until he joins. Go get him." He dismissed the operatives, and requested for them to get all the Intel they need to accomplish the mission.

chapter 3

8:23 AM, Operation "Pretty Please." Two agents at the address of Demetrius

I was going to my mailbox to receive my AARP check, when I spotted two men in black tuxedoes, and Bluetooth's in their ears, (obviously government agents) walking toward me.

"Demetrius Lippio?"

"Yeah? Can I help you gentlemen?"

"We are here to talk about your experience as a soldier."

"What are you guys? CIA? You guys couldn't look more generic."

"That's not important right now, the important thing is how you were able to fight in every war since the Revolutionary war"

At that moment I realized my secret was over, it was only a matter of time before the tuxedos would catch on. And I knew their intention, for me to be their personal Nuke.

"Look" I told them with a serious face, "I am not going to fight in the army again, there is no point at all if its not a challenge, and these terrorists sound like real pushovers to me."

"Well sir, you see, you don't have that choice. If you do not comply with us, we are ordered to use physical force."

I took a moment to stare at them, to see if they were serious or not. when I found out they were I just had to laugh out loud. "Look guys, I know you probably haven't heard, but I'm not so easy to push around."

With those words, they gave each other a nod, and took out a stun gun and pressed it against my ribs simultaneously. It didn't hurt as much as it was annoying, and I don't like getting annoyed, so I grabbed them both by their suits, and tossed them across the street. They landed hard, and surprisingly didn't get up, not for a while anyway. When they finally got up, they drew out their pistols, and told me to stay back. Nobody pulls a gun on me, I take it as disrespect. I walked casually toward them, and they opened fire. They put a few holes in my favorite robe, but that was the only damage done. These guys already found me so, might as well show them what they can't have.

I lifted the nearest car and tossed it in their general direction. They ducked out of the way, but were terrified. They continued to shoot at me, and even ruined my AARP check. That was the last straw. I rushed toward one of them, as they continued shoot at me. I grabbed one by the neck and crushed his windpipe. The other one tried to kick me in the back, all he did was break his leg, so i decided to let him live. He will be a living message to the tuxedos, not to get on my nerves. He hobbled away, yelling threats that would've sounded bad, if i was a regular human. But the thing is..... I'm not

chapter 4

11:56 AM, CIA Base, Langley, Virginia. Operator, Charles Henderson

"Where the hell are agents Kimbal and Ramirez ?" he yelled with authority in his voice. "They should be back by now with the 'package'." at those words, agent Ramirez was helped to find a seat in Henderson's office. His right leg was on a limp, and he had scrapes on his forehead."

"Sir," Ramirez panted, "he wouldn't come quietly."

"Where the hell is Kimbal?" Henderson asked. Ramirez just looked down, and didn't say a word. "I see... I'm going to send a team over there now. He's going to wish he would've died in one of those wars."

"Sir I don't think that is a very good idea." Ramirez stated in a worried tone "This guy didn't flinch when Kimbal and I stunned him, and he took bullets like they were spitballs, I didn't even see him bleed. We need a lot more than a team; we need an army."

chapter 5

10:45 PM Demetrius Lippio's house.

I was sound asleep at the time, when I felt something poke my arm and bend. I slowly lifted my eyes to find my hands cuffed behind my back, and a heavily armored man next to me with a bent syringe. I cannot believe they would really try to do this while I was sleeping. "Really guys?" I asked as I barely moved my hands and broke the cuffs. There was about four men in my room, all heavily armored and wielding LMGs. They all aimed at me with the guns, and they told me to get on the ground. But seriously, we all knew that wasn't going to happen.

chapter 6

10:50 PM Commander Arnold Camp of the Virginia state SWAT

Arnold Camp had an easy plan, the same one that has worked for every high risk targets he has dealt with: Go in, cuff him, inject the sedative, take him into custody. But this time he received a call from someone in a higher position than he was, to bring a lot of men because of the threat this particular target poses. So he sent in a four man squad in the house, and he had 70 men outside with guns pointed at the house, they evacuated the entire neighborhood and 20 military jeeps with machine guns attached were also at the scene. Camp didn't expect to use them, he didn't expect for anything that was about to happen in five minutes after he sent in the squad. There was the sound of machine-gun fire from the inside of the house, followed by a bleak silence. Next thing you know, a SWAT member crashes through the second floor wall, followed by two more crashing through the sides of the house and landing on the lawn, lifeless. Finally one more crashes from the top of the house and lands directly in front of one of the military jeeps. In a state of panic, Camp ordered for everyone to open fire on the house. Machine guns and assault rifles Roared as they shot the house to pieces and it toppled forward. Camp sent two men to check the rubble and make sure he was dead. As the two men neared the house, they heard a rumbling sound, and saw debris moving. They aimed their guns, and in horror watched as something the form of a man stood a midst the rubble and cleared his throat.

"That... was my... house." The man said, and Camp ordered everyone to open fire again.

As the machine guns were roaring, Camp noticed the bullets would simply bounce off him. and he wouldn't even move an inch, until everyone stopped shooting.

"My turn." he said as he ran straight at the army of men, Camp ordered them to open fire, but he didn't even seem to notice the gunfire. He ran to one of the jeeps and flipped it with one hand, then he punched it straight into a house across the street. One of the SWAT members tried to hit the man in the back of the head with the rifle butt, it just shattered, and the operative got punched in the face so hard, he was killed instantly. The man continued to break and damage every vehicle. Every man who challenged him would get killed from one punch from this guy. He even used some men as weapons, swatting other men with them. Camp was horrified. This man was no bigger than most of the SWAT members. How does he possess so much strength? After 10 minutes, most of the men were either dead or unconscious. Camp tried to sneak up on him and give him a good head shot with his magnum, but it only made the man itch. Camp was grabbed by the neck and lifted up.

"I loved... my... house" the man said in a menacing voice.

"Please, don't do this." Camp begged for his life, so the man let him go. "Who are you?" Camp asked while he was in the fetal position.

"Don't worry about it." The man said, as he casually walked away.

End Part 1

Part 2 sneak peak:

I was on the ground, after those good shots from this lunatic. He was too fast for me, causing all this chaos; I can't stop him, not with this obvious weakness of mine. These people were innocent, and he was endangering many. Jane was firing at him with her pistol, but to no avail. He was levitating the roller-coaster with about a hundred people screaming, crying, and praying for their lives. I see him pull it back and was going to throw it at me one more time. He was still smiling like a gentlemen, a midst all the chaos he was causing, like he had no soul. In a split second, the roller-coaster full of civilians was hurled in my direction, I have to save them, but can I take the hit from the magic coated Roller-coaster flying toward me at high speed? I have no time to think, I have to save them, no matter what it does to me.

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cbishop

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#2  Edited By cbishop

Hey mike', cool start. First and foremost, I would say if this is an original character, don't also call it a fan fic. Unless your story is going to have other folks' characters popping up in it, call this original fiction, so people know it belongs to you.

Second, you say at the beginning that it has mistakes. So if you're aware of them, do some editing. We all make mistakes, but when you knowingly post them, they've gone from "mistakes" to "intentional errors." Do the work- editing is no fun, but it is necessary. Considering that this story is pretty good, it deserves good editing.

Third, looking forward to seeing more of this. Welcome to the Fan-Fic forum, and this has been added to my FF Long Box. :)

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mikesterman

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@cbishop thanks... I'm glad somebody is paying attention... I will do some editing... And I wish more people have viewed it...

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#4  Edited By batkevin74

@mikesterman: Constructive criticism only please....well that rules me out.

As cbishop says if you know about the errors, why haven't you done something about them? There's an edit button, also if you typed it on a Word doc (or whatever) they've got spell & grammar checks.

Personally I hate numbers in writing. If someone is eight years old, then it's written eight not 8. It's writing not maths. This is my personal pet peeve. Sometimes it is warranted eg 520BC but other than that write the number, don't be lazy.

Sparta, Spartan. You drop the captial and re-add the capital within the two sentences "My mother was a spartan woman, and I never knew my father. At age 8, I was moved to the Spartan training camp, where I would live until I was a warrior"

Also I don't think you need to explain your mother was Spartan...if she was Nubian or Egyptian sure, but its safe to assume people in Sparta at 520BC that unless you say otherwise, are all Spartans.

Now the Greeks were clever but as for time "Your dog has been barking since 3 am." I'd edit it to something like "Your dog has been barking since before dawn!"

Storywise it is Greek Highlander, let's see some more. A bit more care BEFORE posting and you'll get get more results.

Hey @joshmightbe check this out :)

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mikesterman

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@batkevin

First off... Thanks for holding back lol... Second . I am on mobile right now and I was when I posted the story so that's why it's very erroneous

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As cbishop says if you know about the errors, why haven't you done something about them? There's an edit button, also if you typed it on a Word doc (or whatever) they've got spell & grammar checks.

Please do not rely on spell check- read over your story yourself to check for spelling. Because while spell check will catch "thier" when it's supposed to be "their," it won't catch "He looked for her on the river" when it was supposed to be "He looked for heron on the river." It's okay to start with spell check, but don't rely on it as an editor.

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#7  Edited By mikesterman

@cbishop: @batkevin74: I edited it... also added some more parts. I will add more tomorrow as well...

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#8  Edited By cbishop

Sending you a PM.

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#9  Edited By mikesterman

@cbishop:edited completely. hopefully it has no errors

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#10  Edited By cbishop

Chapter 3 on have some minor capitalization errors- missing capitals at the beginning of some sentences. Chapter 2 could be broken up into a couple of paragraphs, at least. This reads pretty good though.

Only other thing: fics need a rating- it's part of the forum rules. This one most definitely falls under "M" for mature, with the extreme violence. Needs to go at the top. See the Fan-Fic Rules. Yes, this is original fiction, but you're writing for the same audience- the rules still apply, and although it's easy to forget, we do get kids on here. ;)

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mikesterman

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Oh I'm 17.... Lol I'm still young

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@mikesterman: We get kids even younger, so yeah, it still needs a rating. Btw, for seventeen, this is awesome writing. Even more impressed now. ;)

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