The Crack #1

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#1  Edited By MBCB2001

I hope you like my story...

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@mbcb2001 said:

Who wants to start?

Well... you started the thread. Have at it. ;)

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@cbishop: finally someone supporting my thread! XD ok i'll start....

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Have you started?

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#5  Edited By MBCB2001

@batkevin74: @cbishop: Sorry got problems with my phone.

This day was like every other day, but no one knew that everything was about to change forever. Officer John Hurk went to the police office after leaving his wife and daughter at home. He talked with the sergeant, who sent him to a mission, to trap a gang that was shooting civilians in Harlem. Finding his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went to their squad car.

"I've never been in a cononfrontation. We will finish with the bad guys, and i'll buy some donuts later", Jason said.

"The world isn't like that. People die every day. This is a dark world. You have to be prepared to kill, to make death yout best friend. Do you understand?", John answered.

"Yes, sir", Jason said.

They arrived and the action started. They got some info before going to the confrontation. There were other cops that were sent to patrol before them, Officer Crooks and Officer Barnes.

This gang had a leader, one of the greatest gangsters from the area, he was involved in the drug business, prostitution, bets, and much more. His alias name was "The Monster". He was dangerous, but they got him because of an informant. When they located him, they sent two patrols, officer jimeno and officer Ashcraft were down, and Officers Hurk and Morales came just in time.

They entered the fight. Two men had uzis, officers covered and started to shoot. They got them down and continued. As they continued found their other partners, officers Jimeno and Barnes, they were injured. They got their first aid kit and took the bullet out, by later vandaging the injure. Since this lasted longer, more patrols came.

There were lots of deaths and with some luck Officers Hurk and Morales went for the Big Fish, he was against the wall. He only got 2 bodyguards, while the rest of his people were still fighting against the other officers. They got rid of the bodyguards, but before getting The Monster, he took a hostage. They were alone and had to make a desition, the lives of this hostages were on their hands. Officer Morales was scared, he was innocent, honorable and correct, but he was just a kid.

He started to cry, but officer Hurk made him look onto his eyes and talked directly and strictly but with love, as if he was his own son. "Look at me!", he said. "This is the real world you hear me?! This is the moment when you become a man! And that people, do you see them?! Their lives are depending on us right now! You have to be strong! We will take those donuts and coffee later, ok? I promise... Now stop crying and lets get back to work...", he said.

They reduced The Monster with their guns, but suddenly a henchman came...

"LOOK AT THE SKY! We're all going to die!!!!", he said as he was exhausted to bring the news....

The sky was as red as blood, and they saw that from far away there was a purple/white light coming closer. It looked like an explosion. It came closer and closer until it crashed everything on it's way....

It Destroyed some houses, cars and stuff. They were luckily pushed away a few meters, as they covered. Most of the rest didn't survive. They didn't know what was happening as they fell unconscious....

Some time later, Officer Hurk woke up and saw destruction surrounding him. He had a giant piece of rrockin one of his legs. He screamed, asked for help, and used his radio saying there was an officer down, but no one answered. There was no signal. After a while, officer Morales listened to him and went to help. He was injured, but he wasn't that bad. They both pushed the rock, and Officer Hurk was finally out. He could barely walk, but he could walk with the help of Officer Morales, as they looked around, there was no city....

They looked for survivors, and found a dying officer Jimeno that had a giant rock on his stomach. They tried to help him, but it was in vain.

"Stop... Please...", he said as he was dying, "the survivors, they went away to the police station, you must go... But please make me a favor first please....".

Officer morales started to cry, and Officer Jimeno finished: "kill me... Right now... I don't want to suffer anymore..." (as he threw up blood).

"you must do it", Officer Hurk said.

"no, please, sir...", Officer Morales answered.

"We will be through a lot, and as i am injured, you are the man now, you'll see things, a lot of things, but you have to be strong", Officer Hurk said.

He took a deep breath, and made what he had to do. Officer Hurk told Officer Morales that he needed to see his wife and daughter, they needed to find them. Officer morales said he didn't have family, and that he would help him.

As they continued they heared a Scream. It was pleading for help. As they came closer they saw it was him, The Monster. As he recognized them just took a gun and shot at them failing. He took a rock and threw it to officer morales letting him on the floor. As officer Hurk fell onto the floor as well, he took his gun and tried to shoot The Monster, but he moved his hand and they started to get punches on the floor. They were two animals fighting for survival, light and darkness. After a couple of minutes, they were both really injured and bloody. As officer Morales woke up he took the gun and putted in front of The Monster, but as he knew he couldn't make anything to survive he shouted he knew the way to escape he contacted his partners. They got a jet in Washington and that this was "War". He knew the "Third World War" would start at any time, but he knew how to survive. He knew secret places above the city, where he used to hide, he had food, shelter and weapons, but he wanted to survive in change. Officer morales accepted, they were now working together, but they were first going for Hurk's wife and daughter. The Monster smiled as he had mind to give them shelter and food until he had the opportunity to kill them.

As they rested one day passed. They just slept in the destructed remains and made a fire. A day had ended, and they had more questions than answers. They needed to know what was happening, and something big was about to come. This was just the begining....

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PLEASE READ:

I want you guys to have this special requirements please:

I want them to find another main character, a paranoic old man that has experience and knows what is happening, this problem to be complicated involving mutant monsters, dimensions, reality rupture, government hiding secrets, after a long time humanity will understand new science and materials as they now have highly advanced tech such as artificial intelligence, superhumans, knowledge about dimensions and universes, alien life, etc... Officer Morales to become mature and a man. They later kill The Monster in an attempt of him to kill them, as all of them trust in him except the old man, that eventually gets killed by him. As they evolve they get advanced equipmemt as robotic artifacts, supersoldier serums, etc... Find the daughter and wife. Go to The Monster's jet Without the monster and go to washingtom into a government plan involving military to hude civilians in a bunker. Government interested in this tech and creatures, and have secret iterests. See a lot of soldiers dying and fighting with creatures. See reality ruptures in some places as loosing the laws of reality such as gravity or dimensions. See a lot of survivors. See a Godly being that wants to take the world. A politic Villain that has secret iterests in this creatures, dimensions and tech.

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@mbcb2001: This is what you said originally:

Any Topic, Any Character, from any Kind of Media (books, anime, movies, comics, videogames, tv series, etc...), Any Setting.

Now you're trying to direct the story. If you know the direction you want it to go, you should really write it yourself. ;)

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@cbishop: yeah but is ot a good story? XD I tried hard LOL

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Reality itself broke and its joining all the universes in one.

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@mbcb2001: You need to edit this into something readable. Use the edit button provided to insert some paragraphs because until you do, I ain't reading this.

It's a slab of text. Possibly the world's greatest story is in there but I'm not going in to find it! You present it in a readable way, I'll read it, hell I'll even comment. But not until you do

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@mbcb2001 said:

@cbishop: yeah but is ot a good story? XD I tried hard LOL

Honestly, I didn't read it, pretty much for the same reasons Batkevin' gave. It's a giant block-o-text that needs to be broken up with paragraph breaks.

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@cbishop: dont worry about that, it will be organized for tomorrow ?

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If I get good critics i'll continue the story

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@mbcb2001: Looks better. I'll give it a look tonight.

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So how's that guys? If its trash I'll like you to be honest XD

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I've only read the first paragraph so far. It looks like this right now:

@mbcb2001 said:

This day was like every other day, but no one knew everything was about to change for ever. Officer John Hurk went to the police office after leaving his wife and daughter at home. He talked with the sergeant, who send him to a mission, to trap a gang that was shooting civilians in Harlem. He went onto his car with his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went together. Jason said: "I've never been in a confrontation, we will finish with the bad guys and i'll invite some donuts later". John answered: "The world isn't like that, people die every day, this is a dark world, you have to be prepared to kill, to see death. Do you understand?". "Yes, sir", he said.

But should really look like this:

@mbcb2001 said:

This day was like every other day, but no one knew that everything was about to change forever. Officer John Hurk went to the police office after leaving his wife and daughter at home. He talked with the sergeant, who sent him on a mission to trap a gang that was shooting civilians in Harlem. Finding his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went together to their squad car.

Jason said: "I've never been in a confrontation, we will finish with the bad guys and i'll invite buy some donuts later."

John answered: "The world isn't like that; people die every day. This is a dark world- you have to be prepared to kill; to see death. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir", he said.

The underlined items are things that I changed or added. I crossed out "invite" and put in "buy," but I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say there. Very important rule: every time someone new speaks, you make a new paragraph break, as I did above. Even if it's only two people going back-and-forth:

"Yes!" screamed Cbishop.

"No!" hollered Batkevin.

"I said yes," Cbishop said angrily.

"I said I have the bazooka," Batkevin said with satisfaction.

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#21  Edited By MBCB2001

@cbishop: thanks for the advices, buddy. I'll fix that

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@mbcb2001: This day was like every other day, but no one knew everything was about to change for ever. Officer John Hurk went to the police office after leaving his wife and daughter at home. He talked with the sergeant, who send him to a mission, to trap a gang that was shooting civilians in Harlem. He went onto his car with his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went together.

Okay it's a bit light on description. Nothing wrong with that. Police office? Odd choice of words, I'd go with station but office can work. He went onto his car with his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went together. Um yeah, you already said that in the first part, and then you're repeating yourself. Leave off they both went together.

Now me, I start a new sentence when someones talking. Is it correct? No idea. But it does let people know. So if I'd of written this it would go eg:

"I've never been in a confrontation, we will finish with the bad guys and i'll invite some donuts later". Jason said as he buckled himself into the passenger seat.

John nodded "The world isn't like that, people die every day, this is a dark world, you have to be prepared to kill, to see death. Do you understand?".

"Yes, sir"

But now let's talk about their conversation. Have you read this out loud? I suggest you do. Because to me it sounds ridiculous! What Jason says makes no real sense. "I'll invite donuts later." Is Donuts a person? My guess is English is your 2nd or even 3rd language, yes?

Now are they cops or hired killers? John's response isn't much better.

They arrived and the action started. They got some info before entering to the confrontation. There were other cops confronting them before them, Officer Crooks and Officer Barnes. This gang had a leader, one of the greatest gangsters from the area, he was involved in the drug business, prostitution, bets, and much more, and his alias name was The Monster. He was dangerous, but they got him because of an informant. When they locate him sent two patrols, officer jimeno and officer Ashcraft were down, and Officers Hurk and Morales came just in time.

Okay wtf?? They arrive where? On the moon? The country club? You need to give us a bit more. Also you say the action starts and then they get some info. Maybe reverse the order. Now The Monster is fine but it's kinda sloppy. This is me doing a quick version of your second paragraph

Hurk and Morales arrived near Harlem.

"Stay here," John said to Jason as he exited the car to talk to a man who dressed like some kind of peacock standing on the corner. Jason watched them chat before John got back into the car.

"Who's that?"

"Joey Flamingo." John replied starting the cruiser. "One of the good bad guys. Might have a lead on this gang for us. Punch this in."

Jason took the $5 note with the scrawled name on it and fed the details into the mobile database in the car. "Daytron Brown aka The Monster. Drugs. Firearms. Prostitution. Extortion. Arson. Nice guy."

"And according to Joey, he's sleeping off a big night at motel six blocks from here." John smiled. "Dispatch. This is Officer Hurk requesting backup for a possible 10-66."

"Copy that Officer Hurk. We have two units near your vicinity, rerouting them to your location."

See the difference?

They entered the fight. Two men had uzis, officers covered and started to shoot. They got them down and continued. As they continued found their other partners, officers Jimeno and Barnes, they were injured. They got their emergency botiquine and took the bullet out, by later vandaging the injure. Since this lasted longer, more patrols came.

And here is where you lose me! No idea what's going on. Who is shooting who. A little description can go a long way. Also what is a botiquine and what is vandaging? Spelling errors is my guess.

Have a re-read of your story and see where you can possibly edit. It's fan fic there is no need to rush. Is John Hurk black? Is he white? Does he have a scar behind his left ear when he was jumped by three drunk frat boys who broke a bottle over his head? Is Jason Morales Puerto Rican? Or his he half Chinese half Mexican? Is he a police officer because it helps him adjust from being in the military where he served in Iraq for 4yrs?

Details.

I'll read some more later. You have a think about my critique and let me know.

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@mbcb2001: Now that I've read the whole thing, the story you're telling is not bad, but the writing has a lot of problems. Mostly it's spelling, punctuation, and wrong word choices. Those things only get better with effort, so basically, you just need practice. I think you should finish this story though. ;)

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#24  Edited By MBCB2001

@cbishop: @batkevin74: thanks for the advices. I just edited, but I still need to edit more. Yes, english is my second language, but i'm practicing. And I see 2 options, as I saw that you're both great writers:

1- finish this by myself

Or

2- give you my story to use it as you want. (As I know it would be in good hands if you are interested)

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@batkevin74: i'll give details but not all of them. That's the magic of mystery in novels (:

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I usually have good ideas/stories, but I just don't know how to express them.

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#27  Edited By MBCB2001

This day was like every other day, but no one knew everything was about to change for ever. Officer John Hurk went to the police office after leaving his wife and daughter at home. He talked with the sergeant, who send him to a mission, to trap a gang that was shooting civilians in Harlem. He went onto his car with his rookie partner, Jason Morales, they both went together."I've never been in a confrontation, we will finish with the bad guys and i'll invite some donuts later". Jason said as he buckled himself into the passenger seat.

John nodded "The world isn't like that, people die every day, this is a dark world, you have to be prepared to kill, to see death. Do you understand?".

"Yes, sir"

They arrived and the action started. They got some info before entering to the confrontation. There were other cops confronting them before them, Officer Crooks and Officer Barnes. This gang had a leader, one of the greatest gangsters from the area, he was involved in the drug business, prostitution, bets, and much more, and his alias name was The Monster. He was dangerous, but they got him because of an informant. When they locate him sent two patrols, officer jimeno and officer Ashcraft were down, and Officers Hurk and Morales came just in time. Cops surrounded the Strip Club and tried to finish this quickly.Hurk and Morales arrived near Harlem.

"Stay here," John said to Jason as he exited the car to talk to a man who dressed like some kind of peacock standing on the corner. Jason watched them chat before John got back into the car.

"Who's that?"

"Joey Flamingo." John replied starting the cruiser. "One of the good bad guys. Might have a lead on this gang for us. Punch this in."

Jason took the $5 note with the scrawled name on it and fed the details into the mobile database in the car. "Daytron Brown aka The Monster. Drugs. Firearms. Prostitution. Extortion. Arson. Nice guy."

"And according to Joey, he's sleeping off a big night at motel six blocks from here." John smiled. "Dispatch. This is Officer Hurk requesting backup for a possible 10-66."

"Copy that Officer Hurk. We have two units near your vicinity, rerouting them to your location."They entered the fight. Two men had uzis, officers covered and started to shoot. They got them down and continued. As they continued found their other partners, officers Jimeno and Barnes, they were injured. They got their emergency botiquine and took the bullet out, by later vandaging the injure. Since this lasted longer, more patrols came.

-batkevin74- (he wrote it, not me)

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@mbcb2001 said:

I usually have good ideas/stories, but I just don't know how to express them.

You just write them. You can edit them later.

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@batkevin74: thanks for the advice. I really apreciate (: