The Brutal Foes of Batman #1

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#1  Edited By ImpurestCheese

The Brutal Foes of Batman

2nd January 2014, 8-Ball Bar, Gotham City

There aren't many good days in Gotham City for people like me; if you aren't tangling with the Bat or his ever growing brood of tag along children then you almost certainly have crossed someone higher up on the food chain. In a city where dressing up like a pschyotic clown elevates you to the apex of crazy criminal hi jinx the number of guys who are dressed normally in my line of work are somewhere between 1 and 0. Take my crew for example, living it up like kings after what can only be called a good day.

First up is the cranky old coot the Getaway Genius, yeah he may be pushing seventy but he still moves like a much younger man, although how much of that is down to his strength enhancing suit is unknown. As the name suggests the man is an expert at escape, from what he likes to tell us he's been getting out of his dates windows for years without them realising they've been fleeced by their handsome gentleman caller.

The Getaway Genius. Still moving good for a Septuagenarian
The Getaway Genius. Still moving good for a Septuagenarian

Speaking of ladies, my crew accepts women despite claims that I'm a chauvinist pig, just ask the Carpenter. Smart as she is beautiful the woman is a master, or should that be mistress, of demolition and construction, not to mention balsy as hell. Yep all the men want her and all women want to be her and if you're lucky enough to be a lesbian you can get both. The only problem is the stunted hat wearing baggage that follows her around but more on him later.

The Carpenter, if looks could kill...then I'd be dead when I took this picture
The Carpenter, if looks could kill...then I'd be dead when I took this picture

Stunted and hat wearing are things that can't be said about my muscle, although bad tempered and single minded are. Yep NKVDemon is not a name you want to be stuck with, not if you want to make it in this town, but my guy is making it work for the moment. And considering what passes for dumb muscle in this city I reckon I lucked out.

NKVDemon, Anyone else as terrified as I am?
NKVDemon, Anyone else as terrified as I am?

My final guy is definitely lucky, albeit in the worst kind of way. If I had to liken him to an animal then it would be a rat, although considering he calls himself the Ratcatcher I guess its apt. Despite being creepy and a social misfit, old Catcher has worked out on the team even if insists on bringing his favourite rats with him to the club, like some retard post pubescent Wilard.

Ratcatcher, because you know everyone needs one of these on their team
Ratcatcher, because you know everyone needs one of these on their team

But enough about them I know you're wondering who I am, well let me tell you. The words graceful, courteous and chivalrous are the words used to describe moi, your fair, and totally unbiased narrator for this little piece, the one and only Cavalier! And I am the leader of the Gotham Five, don't pretend you haven't heard of us by the way, the amazing and awe inspiring team who just pulled off the heist of the year.

This is me. Am I not the most handsome man you've seen?
This is me. Am I not the most handsome man you've seen?

So as I mentioned earlier when those good times come, we celebrate and celebrate hard and when you crash you hit the ground harder. And it matters not who you are; be you akin to the Luthors and Black Adams of this world or some pathetic street thug. And we fell as soon as we took a few steps out the door, well all of us except the Getaway Genius, incontinence is one thing he couldn't get away from, as the shadow every crook in the city fears.

"Oh god the Bat found us!" I hear the Carpenter yell as the shadow descends, his feet slamming into NKVDemon as he gropes for his gun, his body crushing into the floor with a thud.

"It can't be!" I yell back as the Carpenter removes her drill, only to drop it a foot in front of the Bat before lunging forwards only to crack her nose on the Bat's armoured knee pads. This whole thing doesn't make sense, unless, it's obvious what's happened, someone ratted us out, no offence intended to my buddy the Ratcatcher, and I know exactly who it is. You see this morning we were the Gotham Six, but after what can only be called a difference of opinion our sixth member was fired. Obviously the Bat found him causing him to spill his guts and doom our enterprise.

As I muse I reach for my sabre only to realise my trusty blade is missing, in desperation I make contact and feel my opponent recoil in pain. "Beware Batman, even without my blade I am a deadly foe." I yell as the image of the Batman swims before my eyes.

"You punched me in the boob!!" The figure yells in a distinctly feminine voice. I narrow my eyes and peer at the Bat and see that he is wearing a denim mini skirt, T-shirt emblazoned with a bat and a domino mask, her head framed with long red hair.

Who is this Misfit?
Who is this Misfit?

"Ba...Batman?" I gasp, I hope that it's simply alcohol effecting my perception, if not then I have broken my code of chivalry, and that if I have then I'm no better than the general rif-raff that haunts the streets of this broken city.

"I'm Batgirl!!" The woman hisses as she strikes me in the chin. "Dark Vengance!!!" Whoever this person is she's not a member of the Bat Family that I recognise, that said I know where this will end, Arkham Asylum, not the destination I imagined waking up in tomorrow morning.

And while I can tell you a lot of things, beautify what comes next, there are two things I'm going to tell you with uncharacteristic bluntness.

Number One: If you make it big and plan to stay in this city, make sure you never let your guard down.

And Number Two: When I get to Arkham I'm going to kill Firebug for screwing me and my guys over

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Joygirl

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@impurestcheese: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH someone used Misfit in a story! Squee! You're my new hero. :O

Critique time! If ya want it.

Since the last time I gave you a few pointers on comma use you've actually improved a great deal in that regard, I must say. Your narrative flow has enhanced greatly (only improved by using the low-effort-high-reward first person writing style) and things seem to move a lot more smoothly in this, it looked really great.

There were a few typos in this but nothing too severe, it more just seems like this needed a quick edit that you didn't give it. Little errors like "unkown," rather than "unknown." Stuff like that.

There is an instance where you switch tenses, which is a no-no:

"It can't be!" I yell back as the Carpenter removed her drill,

Yell = Present Tense

Removed = Past Tense

NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET.

On a more broad note, while this has a strong narrative, a cute cast of misfits (c wat i did thar?), and from what I can tell, a neatly budding storyline, it was a little bit bare bones which is doing the first person narrative an injustice. Throw me a little more detail, a little more character interaction, a little more dialogue, and a little more personality. Cavalier's narrating, let me know it, let me get inside his head. Don't just use him as a mouthpiece -- let him do the talking.

Anyway I don't wanna waffle on too long. This has a lot of potential and I like this team of underdogs. Just give me more of them, more dialogue, more humor, more personality, more detail. More more more.

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ImpurestCheese

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@joygirl: Cool thanks for the comment and for the advice. Will take an axe to this misfit tail and reconstruct it for next issue. Gotham Hearts was a big inspiration for this tale so thanks a million for the comment.

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ImpurestCheese

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@joygirl: May go back to third person for next issue. What do you think?

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Joygirl

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@impurestcheese: You've done well with First. You just need to harness the tool you're using. I find first person to be both easy and rewarding.

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ImpurestCheese

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@joygirl: Cool thanks for uh the advice/opinion

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#8  Edited By cbishop
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4donkeyjohnson

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batkevin74

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@impurestcheese: 8-Ball Bar...really? I like your stuff but this seems like the DC version of Thunderbolts. You do the team thing very well but you do seem to do the team thing all the time (notable exception Gaia in recent times) so I'm not as enthused about this as some people. But this line "You punched me in the boob!!" is a stand out and very funny

Pschyotic should be psychotic btw. Bring on chapter 2

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cbishop

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@batkevin74: @impurestcheese: I did think of what batkev' said when I saw 8-Ball Bar, but was waiting to see how it developed later. A little wink to the readers is okay. In a small group though (which the FF section essentially is [unfortunately]) it can seem a little heavy-handed. But enough of that- bring on chapter two! :)

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@batkevin74: @cbishop: Yeah it's just a wink really. Nothing else behind that really. Thanks for the comments both of you

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#14  Edited By arthurkerr

I have to say I love a good story. I will never ever tell you anything about spelling or gramer or did you dot that damn I.

Those to me, as you know I am horrible at in my own stories.

I want to feel what the character feels to see what they see and some things I want left to my own imagination.

To much I cringe to little I swear where are they what are they doing and why do I care that they are doing it.

Case in point.

Batman looks over the darkened city of Gotham. His anger fueled him he had been searching for the Corpse Collector all night and when he found him he was in no mood to play. This villain killed women and children and left the bodies to rot then came back later and dug them up with notes on the graves saying he had been the one. Leaving the burning bodies smoldering on the grave. Batman found his prey. The collector was about to collect another lost run away teen. Batman made sure that would not happen. He moved like the dark he was the whisper in ones ear as you were about to drop into sleep. Giving you the chills. The Girl screamed as the blade began to fall and then it was over and it was done the alleyway was empty the night silent again and Batman stood before her. You should go home little one he whispered.

She smiled and bared her fangs. Oh so sweet you will taste Bruce. I just want to savor the taste. He woke up in a small room chained to a bed. What had happened Batman had to retrace his steps. He had to remember or he could die.

Just a thought but you see what you see and what I see makes a great story work. Bring to life your villain.Let us see your hero and understand his desire to do what ever he is doing or she.

Food for thought but I to need to work allot on my tales on my stories and on all the spelling and grammar in all of my works.

Story first you can always go back and fix things. I hate reading a story where it looks so pretty but reads like a grocery list.

Milk , eggs , save the world , repeat Friday.

Good luck and remember this one most important thing.

Did you enjoy your work?

Can you sit back and read it all again and again?

Because if you can nothing else truly is important.

If you cannot then you see the problem.

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ImpurestCheese

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@arthurkerr: Uh okay and this has what to do with my writing? Not that I don't appreciate the time or thought put into this but it seems a wee bit abstract.

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arthurkerr

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@arthurkerr: Uh okay and this has what to do with my writing? Not that I don't appreciate the time or thought put into this but it seems a wee bit abstract.

I was bored it was late. I do not read batman much. I gave it a go. just some idea on what I like to see when I read things. I think I was just saying what I like.

Story line to me is most important of all. What is your main focus and the rest is good and great but at the end of the day.

Where is the story going?

But your write just food for thought.

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ImpurestCheese

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@arthurkerr: Ah okay, I know where the story ends. And like you I'm not a Batman fan but I am a Z-List Villain fan. And Cavalier's attempt to get to the Big Time.

My speciality is my Thunderbolts arc

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#18  Edited By arthurkerr

@impurestcheese said:

@arthurkerr: Ah okay, I know where the story ends. And like you I'm not a Batman fan but I am a Z-List Villain fan. And Cavalier's attempt to get to the Big Time.

My speciality is my Thunderbolts arc

I love a good story and unlike some powers and ability does not stop a character from making great stories.

On the contrary it deepens the impact it truly lets others shine as well.

So much to see and do in a huge universe and some characters are loved not for the power to be a hero but the power to inspire the hero that saves the day.

They need more characters of character in the back ground going about life on in the watch tower. The cook , the security , the children of all these people. Those whom are simply some place being inspired themselves by those whom save them.

One day hero.

That can be a story in itself.

One day I will be like that hero. (insert hero)

One day I will save the moment. big small or simply giving somebody a dime when they are short at the store.

A hero just does what is right. Because you do not need powers to do that. We see what we can do with what we have and we make it work.

The term ( I got this)

Batman is a great character but trully he cannot be all places at once.

Same with superman or Wonder Women or even the flash.

It truly takes a team and it truly takes the people they are trying to save.

Batman is a dark hero. Some would say one with no heart.

Maybe make a story were he find it?

Make the journey a epic tale to find the soul of Bruce Wayne.

Hidden in the depths of hell.

Stolen by those whom killed his parents.

What a twist that would be.

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@impurestcheese

B list characters in a team setting. I understand BK's comment, but to be fair this is your strong suit. Its really no different from some users writing solo heroes all the time, or writing with a comedic bend all the time like me. Anyway I like this as a DC girl. And in Gotham to boot! I wonder if any of my faves will get cameo's. There were a few typo's and tense boo boos here and there, nothing unforgivable though.

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knightofthechronicle

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@impurestcheese: I feel good in knowing about 3/4 of these guys. And using Misfit? That's a girl that needs more fan fics

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