The Brutal Foes of Batman
2nd January 2014, 8-Ball Bar, Gotham City
There aren't many good days in Gotham City for people like me; if you aren't tangling with the Bat or his ever growing brood of tag along children then you almost certainly have crossed someone higher up on the food chain. In a city where dressing up like a pschyotic clown elevates you to the apex of crazy criminal hi jinx the number of guys who are dressed normally in my line of work are somewhere between 1 and 0. Take my crew for example, living it up like kings after what can only be called a good day.
First up is the cranky old coot the Getaway Genius, yeah he may be pushing seventy but he still moves like a much younger man, although how much of that is down to his strength enhancing suit is unknown. As the name suggests the man is an expert at escape, from what he likes to tell us he's been getting out of his dates windows for years without them realising they've been fleeced by their handsome gentleman caller.
Speaking of ladies, my crew accepts women despite claims that I'm a chauvinist pig, just ask the Carpenter. Smart as she is beautiful the woman is a master, or should that be mistress, of demolition and construction, not to mention balsy as hell. Yep all the men want her and all women want to be her and if you're lucky enough to be a lesbian you can get both. The only problem is the stunted hat wearing baggage that follows her around but more on him later.
Stunted and hat wearing are things that can't be said about my muscle, although bad tempered and single minded are. Yep NKVDemon is not a name you want to be stuck with, not if you want to make it in this town, but my guy is making it work for the moment. And considering what passes for dumb muscle in this city I reckon I lucked out.
My final guy is definitely lucky, albeit in the worst kind of way. If I had to liken him to an animal then it would be a rat, although considering he calls himself the Ratcatcher I guess its apt. Despite being creepy and a social misfit, old Catcher has worked out on the team even if insists on bringing his favourite rats with him to the club, like some retard post pubescent Wilard.
But enough about them I know you're wondering who I am, well let me tell you. The words graceful, courteous and chivalrous are the words used to describe moi, your fair, and totally unbiased narrator for this little piece, the one and only Cavalier! And I am the leader of the Gotham Five, don't pretend you haven't heard of us by the way, the amazing and awe inspiring team who just pulled off the heist of the year.
So as I mentioned earlier when those good times come, we celebrate and celebrate hard and when you crash you hit the ground harder. And it matters not who you are; be you akin to the Luthors and Black Adams of this world or some pathetic street thug. And we fell as soon as we took a few steps out the door, well all of us except the Getaway Genius, incontinence is one thing he couldn't get away from, as the shadow every crook in the city fears.
"Oh god the Bat found us!" I hear the Carpenter yell as the shadow descends, his feet slamming into NKVDemon as he gropes for his gun, his body crushing into the floor with a thud.
"It can't be!" I yell back as the Carpenter removes her drill, only to drop it a foot in front of the Bat before lunging forwards only to crack her nose on the Bat's armoured knee pads. This whole thing doesn't make sense, unless, it's obvious what's happened, someone ratted us out, no offence intended to my buddy the Ratcatcher, and I know exactly who it is. You see this morning we were the Gotham Six, but after what can only be called a difference of opinion our sixth member was fired. Obviously the Bat found him causing him to spill his guts and doom our enterprise.
As I muse I reach for my sabre only to realise my trusty blade is missing, in desperation I make contact and feel my opponent recoil in pain. "Beware Batman, even without my blade I am a deadly foe." I yell as the image of the Batman swims before my eyes.
"You punched me in the boob!!" The figure yells in a distinctly feminine voice. I narrow my eyes and peer at the Bat and see that he is wearing a denim mini skirt, T-shirt emblazoned with a bat and a domino mask, her head framed with long red hair.
"Ba...Batman?" I gasp, I hope that it's simply alcohol effecting my perception, if not then I have broken my code of chivalry, and that if I have then I'm no better than the general rif-raff that haunts the streets of this broken city.
"I'm Batgirl!!" The woman hisses as she strikes me in the chin. "Dark Vengance!!!" Whoever this person is she's not a member of the Bat Family that I recognise, that said I know where this will end, Arkham Asylum, not the destination I imagined waking up in tomorrow morning.
And while I can tell you a lot of things, beautify what comes next, there are two things I'm going to tell you with uncharacteristic bluntness.
Number One: If you make it big and plan to stay in this city, make sure you never let your guard down.
And Number Two: When I get to Arkham I'm going to kill Firebug for screwing me and my guys over