Star Wars Fan Fiction. Hope-Chapter 1

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Hush114

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(This is my first attempt at posting fan fiction. I would love some feedback. Enjoy.

Chapter 1. Hope

Mace Windu has been on the run ever since the Emporer discovered that the Jedi Master survived his fall on coruscant. So, Vader has been dispatched to Mace Windu's home planet of Haruun Kal, where the inquisitorious have sent out a distress beacon.

Mace windu stands tall on the planet of haruun kal, the inquisitorious lay defeated all around him. The empire has found him and he knows vader will soon follow.

'No more running' Mace thought.

Mace stares up at the gloomy night sky, feeling a presence drawing near. A presence shrouded in darkness, consumed by hate and anger.

"Vader" Mace said aloud.

The tie advanced bursts through the clouds. Vader stands on top of his ship as it descends, piloting it with the force.The ship lands forty feet from mace. Vader levitates down onto the ground, he ignites his lightsaber.

With each step vader took towards mace, mace sensed something deep beneath vader. A flickering, dying light that felt familiar. An inner conflict, one he had not felt since corruscant...it was the presence of Anakin Skywalker.

'So it is him' mace thought.

"It was fortold that you would be here" Vader said now standing five feet from him.

"My lord." mace said mockingly

"The emporer will be most pleased with your death. If you give me the locations of obi wan kenobi and yoda the citizens of your planet will not be seen as accomplices to your treason." vader declared.

"I would rather die than betray my friends...unlike you...young skywalker."

"Anakin skywalker is a name that no longer has meaning. He was weak and i destroyed him." vader said.

"No..." mace said

"...he is not dead,not yet."

Mace lunges forward, unsheathing and igniting his lightsaber, slashing at vader. Vader using djem-so holds his ground, defending well against the flurry of vaapad.

As they trade strikes mace notices that vader no longer favors ataru the way he did in the past. His style is an amalgam of all saber forms. He is precise and calculating. Vader has a more powerful and defensive style, patiently waiting for opportunities to strike.

Vader suddenly goes on the offensive catching mace off guard, putting mace back on his heels. Mace parrys vaders strike as he leaps into the air, kicking vader in the face. Vader counters with a force push, hardly fazed, sending mace onto his back.

"Your powers are weak..." vader said

"...you underestimate the power of the darkside."

Mace gets up to his feet, ignoring vaders taunts. Using shatterpoint mace searches for a weakness in vader.

Vader using a saber toss technique, hurls his saber at mace. It spins through the air like a tornado. Mace barely dodges it by rolling underneath it, closing the gap between he and the sith lord.

Mace rises up and slams his saber downwards with both hands. Vaders saber returns to his grasp and he blocks it with one hand.

Vader amps up his agression, his hatred flowing through mace as he employs the principles of vaapad. Vader changing his style, a grounded form akin to juyo begins to overwhelm mace. He focues in, letting vaders darkness fuel him, mace locates a weakness...vaders cybernetics.

Mace counters vaders strike and hits him on his shoulder, sparks fly as vader cries out in pain.

"Still sloppy i see." mace says mocking vader.

"You are weak old man...i can feel your fear." vader retorts

"That is not my fear... my lord."

Mace lunges at vader, now giving 100%, making vader move backwards as he defends against windu. Vader switches from his defensive style and tries some makashi, attempting to parry windu, windu hand traps vader and force pushes vader in the chest, damaging his cybernetics. His slow, hypnotic breathing turns to a weez. Vader makes one more wild attempt at windu, windu counters, disarms vader and slices off his arm. He kicks vader onto his back. Vader lays defeated, mace stands over him, powerful and relishing in his victory.

"I have no idea what qui gon saw in you..."mace says

"...we took you in, taught you the ways of the force and for what? So that you could betray the jedi when we needed you most?"

He can feel vader focusing all of his force power on survival, his hate and anger now drowning in self loathing and regret.

"We could have destroyed palpatine right then and there but...you were foolish...you chose the darkside and now you have been defeated. Rise up lord vader, accept your destiny like a man...not like a fool hearted coward."

Vader lifts himself up before mace, he kneels at his feet and removes his mask. He looks up at mace with the bright blue eyes of anakin skywalker...not the yellow sith eyes of darth vader.

"Mace...please...finish it..." vader beggs.

"So be it..."

Mace beheads Vader, his robotic body hits the ground. A swirl of regret festering inside mace turns to a hurricaine as he looks upon the sight of the fallen sith lord.

The battle is won but the war is not over, mace closes his eyes, seeking the force to guide him.

"Mace..." a voice calls out from the force.

"Who is there?" mace asks

"A friend it is, an old friend indeed."

"Yoda..." mace says relieved.

"...i thought you were dead."

"Survived, i have. Quick we must act if we are to destroy the sith...to the dahgoba system you must come."

Mace sheathes his lightsaber and enters the tie advanced. He takes off into the sky with something he had not felt in some time.Hope.

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cbishop

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@hush114 said:

Mace Windu has been on the run ever since the Emporer discovered that the Jedi Master survived his fall on coruscant.

Mace windu stands tall on the planet of haruun kal, the inquisitorious lay defeated all around him. The empire has found him and he knows vader will soon follow.

The tie advanced bursts through the clouds. Vader stands on top of his ship as it descends, piloting it with the force.The ship lands forty feet from mace. Vader levitates down onto the ground, he ignites his lightsaber.

With each step vader took towards mace, mace sensed something deep beneath vader. A flickering, dying light that felt familiar. An inner conflict, one he had not felt since corruscant...it was the presence of Anakin Skywalker.

'So it is him' mace thought.

"My lord." mace said mockingly

"The emporer will be most pleased with your death. If you give me the locations of obi wan kenobi and yoda the citizens of your planet will not be seen as accomplices to your treason." vader declared.

"I would rather die than betray my friends...unlike you...young skywalker."

"Anakin skywalker is a name that no longer has meaning. He was weak and i destroyed him." vader said.

"No..." mace said

"...he is not dead,not yet."

Mace lunges forward, unsheathing and igniting his lightsaber, slashing at vader. Vader using djem-so holds his ground, defending well against the flurry of vaapad.

As they trade strikes mace notices that vader no longer favors ataru the way he did in the past. His style is an amalgam of all saber forms. He is precise and calculating. Vader has a more powerful and defensive style, patiently waiting for opportunities to strike.

Vader suddenly goes on the offensive catching mace off guard, putting mace back on his heels. Mace parrys vaders strike as he leaps into the air, kicking vader in the face. Vader counters with a force push, hardly fazed, sending mace onto his back.

"Your powers are weak..." vader said

"...you underestimate the power of the darkside."

Mace gets up to his feet, ignoring vaders taunts. Using shatterpoint mace searches for a weakness in vader.

Vader using a saber toss technique, hurls his saber at mace. It spins through the air like a tornado. Mace barely dodges it by rolling underneath it, closing the gap between he and the sith lord.

Mace rises up and slams his saber downwards with both hands. Vaders saber returns to his grasp and he blocks it with one hand.

Vader amps up his agression, his hatred flowing through mace as he employs the principles of vaapad. Vader changing his style, a grounded form akin to juyo begins to overwhelm mace. He focues in, letting vaders darkness fuel him, mace locates a weakness...vaders cybernetics.

Mace counters vaders strike and hits him on his shoulder, sparks fly as vader cries out in pain.

"Still sloppy i see." mace says mocking vader.

"You are weak old man...i can feel your fear." vader retorts

Mace lunges at vader, now giving 100%, making vader move backwards as he defends against windu. Vader switches from his defensive style and tries some makashi, attempting to parry windu, windu hand traps vader and force pushes vader in the chest, damaging his cybernetics. His slow, hypnotic breathing turns to a weez. Vader makes one more wild attempt at windu, windu counters, disarms vader and slices off his arm. He kicks vader onto his back. Vader lays defeated, mace stands over him, powerful and relishing in his victory.

"I have no idea what qui gon saw in you..."mace says

"...we took you in, taught you the ways of the force and for what? So that you could betray the jedi when we needed you most?"

He can feel vader focusing all of his force power on survival, his hate and anger now drowning in self loathing and regret.

"We could have destroyed palpatine right then and there but...you were foolish...you chose the darkside and now you have been defeated. Rise up lord vader, accept your destiny like a man...not like a fool hearted coward."

Vader lifts himself up before mace, he kneels at his feet and removes his mask. He looks up at mace with the bright blue eyes of anakin skywalker...not the yellow sith eyes of darth vader.

"Mace...please...finish it..." vader beggs.

The battle is won but the war is not over, mace closes his eyes, seeking the force to guide him.

"Who is there?" mace asks

"Yoda..." mace says relieved.

I deleted the lines that had nothing I wanted to point out. Everything that is in bold and underlined needs to be capitalized. Names are always capitalized.

The few things that are in bold and italics are terms that need to be dealt with, but this might be on me, as I don't know all the terms in Star Wars. Still, when you use terms lie vaapad, djem-so, juyo, and ataru, you need to find a way to describe what's going on. For the reader like me who doesn't know that those things are, those actions are blank. It's like you narrated this:

Vader using ________ holds his ground, defending well against the flurry of ________.

That's how that reads to me. Now if "djem-so" is (for example) an upward punch, and "vaapad" is a downward kick (for example), then you could say:

Vader using the upward punches of djem-so holds his ground, defending well against the flurry of downward kicks of vaapad.

Or:

Vader using upward punches holds his ground, defending well against the flurry of downward kicks.

See? Now the uninitiated reader such as myself can tell what's going on.

Another problem with those terms is that not knowing them, I wasn't sure if they were Star Wars terms, or if you were using real martial arts or swordfighting terms. Even in a franchise as old and well-storied as Star Wars, you never know if your story is going to be your reader's first story experience in the franchise, so you have to resist a complete shorthand of terms, and explain them- at least the first time.

Beyond that stuff, there were some punctuation things. When you have a period at the end of a quote, followed by narration, the period becomes a comma:

Yours:

"You are weak old man...i can feel your fear." vader retorts

Should be:

"You are weak old man. I can feel your fear," Vader retorts.

Also, ellipses. In most instances where you used them, they should have been periods or commas:

Yours:

"I have no idea what qui gon saw in you..."mace says

"...we took you in, taught you the ways of the force and for what? So that you could betray the jedi when we needed you most?"

Should be:

"I have no idea what Qui Gon saw in you," Mace says. "We took you in, taught you the ways of the force and for what? So that you could betray the jedi when we needed you most?"

The story is decent, even if I don't think Vader dies that easy. ;) You just need a little technical work.

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Hush114

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@cbishop: thanks for the feedback. This was originally supposed to be on the battle forums in a fan fic kind of tournament but it never happened. Which is why i wrote it the way i did.

I am going to be doing one about darth maul soon. Can i tag you in it?

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cbishop

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@hush114: The forum has nothing to do with good writing. Proper capitalization and correct punctuation are universal. If it had been something like you wrote all the dialogue in bold, I wouldn't have said anything, because I know that's a thing in RPG and Battles sometimes. Incorrect, but a thing, so I don't bother.

I don't always feel like reading Star Wars, but you can tag me. ;)