Sleepy Agent #1: Life and Art- The Secret Life of Spies

When I was seventeen, I had the most drop dead gorgeous girlfriend I could have ever imagined. I still don't know why she was with me. Her name was Karen. She got a ticket, wound up in my dad's defensive driving class, and found herself sitting next to the doorway of the small projection room where I sat, waiting to run the films each hour for my dad. We whispered back-and-forth enough for me to find out that she tutored other students, and I asked her to tutor me in Latin.

That first tutoring session was just us talking, getting to know each other better, and that turned into us dating, albeit ever-so-briefly. She was just unbelievable. Wicked smart. She volunteered as an EMT, knew four languages fluently, and had plans to major in a fifth language in college, and minor in a sixth. Because of her GPA and language skills, she had intelligence agencies trying to recruit her from before we ever met- she mentioned the FBI, CIA, and Military Intelligence. That's all she ever told me.

We broke up, of course. She wanted a more physical relationship, and my little virgin self was afraid to go there, because I was worried about getting her pregnant. That wore thin with her real quick, and she broke up with me. I look for her occasionally on Facebook, or just through a Google search, but I've never found her. I figure that means she took one of those intelligence jobs. My ex-girlfriend, the spy.

***

My roommate, Mike, works for Best Buy. He travels for them, installing displays at various stores all over the state- sometimes out of state; a few of those being across the country. He makes twice what I do. Best Buy was kind of the reason we wound up being roommates.

Mike likes TransFormers which is how he knew my business partner, and so was a regular customer/visitor at my business- a comic and toy shop. I had the shop for only a few months, found out that my partner was crooked, and had shut it down when all the clues came rushing in on me at once. I was broke, and about to lose my apartment when Mike got laid off from Best Buy.

He took a manager job with Lidl, and they were sending him to Ireland for three months to train. He had two cats that were like his kids though, and he didn't want to leave them, or put them through the trauma of moving them to someone else's house while he was gone. So, we helped each other out in the form of me staying at his apartment while he was away, and watching his cats. He wound up getting his job back with Best Buy, and coming home a little early, but we've been roommates ever since.

***

James was another regular at the shop. He was a contractor, and liked G.I. Joe figures. Just something about the paramilitary cartoon that appealed to him, I guess. He used to stop in about midday, and just talk away for an hour or more. He'd joke- well, really, I don't think he was joking, but he'd laugh anyway- that I was "a captive audience," because I had to be there to run the store.

***

My business partner- I'd prefer his name didn't cross my lips- he was the perfect, scumbag conman. He caught me at a low time in my life, reeled me in, and used me until he couldn't anymore. I had seen a couple of red flags early on- even early enough that I could have avoided the whole mess if I had just paid attention- but I was too focused on what he promised me to give the red flags any credence.

By the time I realized that he had been playing me, I had to scramble to pay the debts he had racked up by not paying state sales taxes. I lost my business, and soon after lost my apartment. I quit talking to him the day I shut the business down. He still lives a little over an hour away, running a big shop. Who knows who he's conning for that one. Mike's been there, but I never have. I'm afraid of what I might do if I go there.

I don't know if I can adequately explain that. It's not like he just tricked me. I was duped, conned, fleeced... he pulled the wool over my eyes, and took me to the cleaners. I saw a guy that looked like him once, and had taken three steps towards him to punch him before I realized it wasn't actually him. I've had two dreams where I angrily told him he owed me money. It was while waking up from that second dream that I realized that I can't go see him. I want to kill him, and I'm afraid I might actually do it.

Not that I'd miss him- the world would be a better place without him. It's just that I've never killed anyone before, and I'd most likely get caught. Who wants to spend the rest of their life in jail, thinking about someone they'd rather forget? Not this guy. That's not really me anyway. Violence isn't really my nature. That's what really scares me about how I feel about my business partner- I think I'm actually capable of killing him. He screwed my life that bad.

***

I should probably put "my life" in quotes, because what life? I'm working at a Walmart, living on the good graces of my roommate, and I don't even have a girlfriend. My life is work, streaming shows, and Internet.

Like lately, I've been binge watching Chuck. All about a guy named Chuck Bartowski that gets a government supercomputer called the Intersect uploaded into his brain after opening an e-mail with encoded images from his old college roommate, Bryce Larkin- a CIA spy. When Chuck "flashes" on something, the Intersect kicks in, giving him needed info and skills for the mission at hand.

Chuck- he works for the Buy More Nerd Herd, and over the course of the show, meets a girl named Sarah that becomes his girlfriend, but turns out to be a CIA spy sent to protect him and the computer that's stuck in his brain. NSA agent John Casey comes into play too. It turns out a CIA underground complex called Castle is conveniently beneath the Buy More. Chuck winds up becoming a spy, and anytime he goes on a mission, Buy More thinks he's out on a Nerd Herd install.

I had seen the first couple of seasons when it was originally on TV, but now I'm getting to see the show start-to-finish. It's fun.

***

So, I've been binge-watching the show, and I still think it's funny that "Buy More" is so obviously Best Buy, and "Nerd Herd" their Geek Squad. It bugs me though that these "installs" Chuck is out on for long periods of time never seem to bother anyone too much at the Buy More. Every time the show gets to the point that it would become a problem, someone else gets let in on Chuck's secret spy life that can help him keep from blowing his cover.

Then it hit me. Mike travels a lot for Best Buy, installing displays for the stores. He's the supervisor of a small team that travels with him. Suddenly, I blurt out "It really would be the perfect cover for a spy." Yeah, sure, my rommate, the spy.

***

I'm just about to shrug off the whole notion as ridiculous fantasy when I hear the gun cock behind me. A voice says, "I need you to not turn around." I don't know why he's worried about it. I recognize James' voice. I never even heard him come in. And I live on the third floor. "I need you to tell me- when's the last time you saw--"

"--He really doesn't like it when you say his name," says Mike as I hear another gun cock somewhere behind me. I hadn't heard him come in either. I must really tune everything else out when I'm watching television, I think to myself.

Story and characters owned by Chris Bishop, copyright 2021, 2022, 2023.

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The Origins Behind the Origins (or how some of these characters got their names):

Thanks for reading. :^D

@cbishop: Suuuure you're not a spy....Wal-Mart's got everything goddam thing, gadget, device and doohickey combined with Best Buy and your OCD....SPY!

Good job

working bump.

Nov 24, 2023: Found on Facebook, this 'toon made me think of this sort-of-meta story where I've been writing people in my real life with these weird double-lives.