REVENGE OF THE MAGNA-KING. Chapter One.

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Omniscience

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#1  Edited By Omniscience
Please remember that this novel is not intended for young audiences.
Rating: T (some mild violence and mature language).
No Caption Provided

Your brother has betrayed you.

He has taken the Kingdom for his own.

Nothing is left for you there.

Naught but the bitter taste of treachery,

And the joyous burden,

Of revenge.

The Four Warriors of Gladmeade remained valiantly atop the mighty hill eclipsing Wish Town. Each wore beautifully crafted steel armours, and wielded uniquely crafted weapons. Facing the Town straight on, the warm morning rays of sun passed over them in such a way that their shadows were cast with deceptive mightiness over the Town below. The Four Warriors of Gladmeade- some of the finest soldiers in the Pythrean Kingdom. After a few hours of silence passed by, they lowered their guard just enough to permit causal conversation between brothers in arms.

“I say, Valan, this does remind me of the Battle of Blumble.” One plucky veteran of the quartet chuckled.

“How do you mean?” Valanir, another of the band’s veterans, bellowed in return.

“For the fact that we may be waiting here 100 days before we see battle!”

“Be it beside you, Gorm. The battle will be here and soon. So be ready.”

The two younger members of the band smiled on at the pair’s quick mutterings- as was typical before any of their battles. Valanir was canonically sober minded in the wake of an oncoming campaign, whereas Gormbrunt preferred to live and breathe each battle as his last, with full vigour and overpowering crudeness of speech.

“You there, Master Kite, why the glum face? A glorious battle shall soon be fought!” Gormbrunt proclaimed with a hearty bellow. Kytra remained motionless and quiet, and instead placed on his face plate. He was the only one of the group to wear facial armour.

“Gorm, you know Kytra prefers silence when facing times of war.” Terundil (the youngest of the quartet) muttered, always careful not to upset anyone in the band before the mast. Not that Gorm took any notice.

“I say, young Teddy, perchance Master Kite in his haste for action- has forgotten- to reunite himself with a supple bosom before the battle!” Gorm guffawed blissfully, at a silent Kytra’s expense. Valan and Teddy looked on up at the towering frame of Gormbrunt in a starkly unimpressed fashion, whilst Kytra looked on outwardly toward the vast fields of grass beyond the hill of their post. Looking upon their dismayed expressions, Gorm responded in his defence with somewhat misdirected candour.

“T’was only playful conjecture chaps- no reason to become all horse faced about the thing!” In the face of his verbal shortcomings, Gormbrunt always seemed to have a way of making right any of his hastiness’s of speech. His comrades chortled passively, with Kytra releasing a faint smile to signify his pardon.

But for all the folly on Gorm’s part, there was no denying that King Tetsu had sent these four on a highly clandestine mission. They neither knew the adversary they were to duel, nor the situation around it. Their task was simply to defend the otherwise peaceful Wish Town. The town housed amongst the largest supply of crops and livestock for the whole Pythrean Kingdom- and so it was markedly obvious why the King had sought the four to place it under their protection.

But they four had been deceived.

For privily the King knew exactly what manner of foe the four were to face. Not an army. Not a crusade of mercenaries. Maybe not even human. He needed to know whether it could be vanquished. And secretly, for that matter. For if the people knew of this force- they would ask how it came to be. And one way or another, the questions would point to him. King Tetsu could not allow that to happen.

Your throne was stolen from you, my child.

Taken from you through corruption and greed.

I watched your body burn,

As the ravenous flames consumed your being.

And the cries of your torment reached me.

For I could not allow you to burn,

In vain.

“Well, whatever incarnation of evil we’re up against, we’ll be ready.” Teddy reassured to the rest of the band, whilst keeping a firm grip on his concealed blade. The sun had nearly reached the summit of its journey towards the west-lands as the sweltering heat of the day reached full swing. But the heat did not stop rising. The air had visibly turned bleary under the unrelenting heat of the sun.

“Quite the heat for an autumn noon, I must say!” Gorm moaned, whilst wiping the sweat from his brow onto his steel plated arm. Teddy agreed, whilst Valan and Kite remained silent. It was terribly hot for this time of the year.

“Why, it hasn't been this sultry since the War of…”

“Will you stop blathering about the temperature!” blasted Valanir, “the heat will not kill… ”

In the same fashion that Valanir had interrupted Gormbrunt, a colossal tremor swept across the hillside, throwing all four back onto the ground. Kite was the least affected, springing up quickly with dual blades handy. Valan too recovered with haste, startled by the power of the quake.

“What the devil was that?” Valanir exclaimed with an incensed shriek. But the tremors did not end there. Smaller after-shocks continued to manifest up and through the hill in almost rhythmic succession. Loosened pieces of earth reverberated frantically atop the ground with each seismic activity.

“I did not think the King would send us against a small army!” Valanir cried, with an undertone of anxiety in his voice. Kite fell acrobatically to the ground, remaining low and on all fours, whilst Teddy shunted his hefty metal shield in front of him. The magnitude of the after-shocks gradually lessened, but much to Gormbrunt’s aggravation, no opponent of any size or stature had become visible across the open fields. It would have seemed that either a tremendous earthquake had just passed by- or something altogether more sinister was at work.

“I must say, how are we supposed to battle something we can not see?” Gormbrunt proclaimed in an exasperated roar, unsheathing his mighty axe. After a short while, the ground finally came to rest, and the band relaxed their intense defences just a little. Still on high alert, Terundil gazed on at Valanir with respect to Gorm’s question. But when Valanir could do little but shrug his shoulder in bemusement, the answer would come from no other than the otherwise silent Kytra. He had his back turned to the group, looking toward the highest part of the hill in which the Warriors of Gladmeade stood.

“You can not see it- because you are facing the wrong way.”

Fret not about the Kingdom, my child.

If your brother was to destroy you by fire,

You will exact to him the same.

I promise you that.

The three less vigilant warriors turned about face cautiously. And they were right to do so. For at the top of the hill in which they had made their post- something- unlike they had ever seen. Not an army. No- something much worse...

“‘Tis the devil himself!” Valanir cried!

Sparing no time to think or reason, Gormbrunt rampaged towards the fiery adversary in front of him. The sharpened edge of his axe glimmered hopefully in the noon sun. But this would be Gormbrunt’s final act of valour. For quicker than Gormbrunt could realise, he found himself engulfed in a hellish flash of light and flame. The explosion was blinding. The sheer force of it sent out a blast wave of superheated air, bringing even Valanir to his knees. When the light cleared, only Gormbrunt’s axe and a few fragments of his armour remained. They were shattered and melted on the scorched earth where he last set foot.

“GORMBRUNT!” Valanir cried, eyes widened in sheer disbelief. This was war. Valanir, Kytra and Terundil stampeded towards the menace that had so easily erased Gormbrunt from their world. No time to think. No time to reason. Their adversary casually projected massive bolts of fire and shadow towards them, powerful enough to utterly destroy anything that they collided with. Soil and rock erupted high into the air with every passing explosion. Valanir had taken ahead, but in the smoke and fire Terundil could see little of his fellow-men. Very quickly, it became nigh impossible to see what was going on- leaving Terundil with only the sound of the raging flames to guide him towards his target.

And then a scream.

The thick black smoke encompassing the warriors ejected something with frightful speed and force. It clattered woefully against a cluster of boulders on the hill. It was Valanir. Or what was left of him. Overcome by grief and despair Terundil braced his shield in front of him and yelled with the loudest and most assuming voice he could muster:

“SHOW YOURSELF TO ME!”

A thousand years I have waited in the shadow,

To unleash my wrath upon the race of men.

But now, I shall stay my hand no more.

For I have given you power,

To exercise my fearful judgements.

Suddenly, a cold and steely hand grabbed hold of Terundil’s shoulder.

“Let us have it then!” he cried, as he closed his eyes and swung his blade powerfully at whoever touched him.

“HOLD! It is Kytra! Your friend!”

Waving away the smoke from in front of him, it was indeed his silent ally. Terundil released his breath in relief. But the passing grace of a friend found would end very quickly. The after-shocks reappeared, and more powerful than ever. Kytra arranged his dual blades together in a masterful sort of way. Strangely, the cut-outs in Kytra’s face plate for his eyes and mouth began to glow faintly. He was summoning his ‘Vitra’, or inner energies. His blades began to glow brightly with ambient energy, as Terundil remembered gladly how powerful a warrior Kytra was.

“Nega-Suri!” Kytra proclaimed, whilst drawing apart his two swords. This action released the glowing energy pent up within himself and his weapons. Consequently, the thick smog around them whittled away, revealing the true extent of the devastation which their adversary had wrought. After the radius of the vitra reached its maximum, a towering wall of smoke remained around them. But even with the most part of the smoke cleared, they could see nothing. Only the ground quaking from the after-shocks.

“Look there!” Kytra whispered, pointing north towards a section of the wall of smoke. It was faintly glowing of orange. The colour intensified in line with the force of the tremors, until the pair could barely keep upright due to the convulsing ground beneath them.

And that was when they saw it.

Emerging from the wall of smoke, an immense man-like warrior wreathed in flame, and shadow. It wore armour that glowed red hot towards the joinings of its plates. It was as if the armour was keeping back a burning furnace inside. Its face was concealed by a steel mask, save for its eye vents. But this creature had no eyes. It had only small glowing red cores where the eyes should have been. They leaked fire. Its whole armour did. And the heat- the unbearable heat shrouding this being- literally melted the air around it. Though a good twenty yards away from this abomination, Kytra and Terundil cowered under the sheer discomfort of the boiling temperatures around them. It stood still. The tremors abated in turn.

“Keep- very- quiet.” Kytra warned, keeping his eye upon this great nemesis before them. He inhaled whilst arranging his blades in front of him in sequence. Terundil had been lost for words some time ago, so he was more than willing to do as instructed.

“One… last… part…”

His swords began to glow as they had done before, as he muttered another mystical saying. But he had run out of time. The being reanimated, extending its hand towards the duo- and released a terrible bolt of fire at them. Terundil managed to push Kytra out of the way, narrowly escaping being incinerated himself. Kytra remained quite still on the ground, much to Terundil’s bewilderment. The fiery menace raised its right foot slowly, as if to pace towards the grounded pair. But as it set its foot upon the ground- a gigantic earthquake ripped across the distance between them, and threw Terundil back several yards. As he picked himself up, he realised that the seismic activities were not earthquakes. They were its footsteps.

Each destructive footstep brought it closer to Kytra, who still lay motionless on the ground. It lifted its hand, and immersed Kytra’s being in a torrent of all consuming fire.

“KYTRA!” Terundil hollered in agonising sorrow!

The being walked nonchalantly through the billowing smog of the seared earth, where Kytra had last laid, and turned its fiery gaze onto Terundil. He could feel the ground wrenching beneath him. What had the King done? What manner of evil was this? With anger and frustration welling up within him, he bared up his trusty shield once more. He was not afraid. Not even to die. In the name of his fallen, he stood against the encroaching foe.

“Whatever force of Hell you are- you will BREAK before I fall!” Terundil roared, whilst racing towards it with ravenous desire. It stopped, and lifted its hand against Terundil. The magma-hot flames amassed once more from its hand.

But this time, Terundil would not be scathed.

The creature emitted an ear splitting roar. It found itself encompassed in a flash of blue energy that brought it thunderously to the ground. The strike intended for Terundil misfired, and rocketed into the sky. With an acrobatic somersault, no other than Kytra landed with ninja-like prowess on the ground!

“Kytra! I thought you dead!” Terundil gasped.

“Stop talking and attack!” Kytra replied bitterly, skipping out of a fiery blast’s path.

“Right… for Valanir and Gormbrunt!” Terundil bellowed, putting his shield up in front of him and resuming his charge upon the now startled creature. Being reduced to bending on one knee, the creature unleashed an arsenal of fire-bolts in retaliation. It fired in every which way, further ripping apart the battle ground and throwing up more putridly black smoke. Terundil could see Kytra back flipping and leaping away, keeping the brute occupied. Through his cover, Terundil managed to get within five feet of it. But realising Terundil’s advance, the creature unleashed a volt of fire at him- and this attack he would be unable to dodge. He resorted to protecting himself with his impressive shield. This would be a grave underestimation of the creature’s power. Kytra grimaced to see Terundil shoot backwards high into the air, and then to land squarely on his back with a bone crunching impact, several yards away.

For the foulness of his treachery,

The very flames of your indignation,

Will raze every last piece of this wretched world,

To the ground.

Terundil lay unconscious on the ground. His shield had been vaporised instantly, and his armour had crumbled under the force of the impact. His left arm and lower right leg were bare, and littered with burn marks. But he was alive. Just. The creature now had regained its stance, and Kytra was now alone against it. All his vitra based attacks could do little but infuriate this being. He would have fought to the end, but to give Terundil a chance of life, the decision was clear. The monstrosity however was not over yet. Extending its arm-span with clenched fists, it shrouded itself in a field of blisteringly hot power. It may have realised Kytra was a respectable adversary, and as such prepared to unleash a wholly more devastating attack. And this attack, once charged up, would end the battle. Knowing this, Kytra had but a few moments to make distance between him and the creature, and to summon a rarely used vitra to save himself and Terundil. Rapidly manoeuvring his dual blades, they faithfully glowed with energy- and more fervently than ever.

I have made you more than a King.

More than any that has been, or ever will.

And you shall set forth my vengeance,

As My Bringer of Destruction.

Time had again run out for Kytra, as the creature completed charging up the attack. Suddenly, the field of pure heat energy around it expanded viciously, destroying everything in its path. The entirety of the massive hill, which in itself was far larger than the actual Wish Town, began to collapse in the wake of the rapidly growing field of destruction. Kytra’s swords were glowing frantically as he enclosed in on a broken Terundil. The scorching heat had begun to melt the armour on his back.

My Lord of the Flame and Shadow.

No time to think. No time to reason. Kytra closed his eyes and leapt toward Terundil, whilst unleashing the vitra prematurely built up in his blades. In mid-air, he proclaimed his final mystical saying.

“DI-KUMI!”

And in that split second, the field of pure heat plunged over the duo’s residence, leaving nothing behind, as it continued to bring down the entire hillside.

My Magna King.

To be continued: 24/11/12

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batkevin74

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#2  Edited By batkevin74

@Omniscience: Okay, how do I pronounce Kytra, Ternundil and Pythrean?

I was saying Kai-tra, Ter-un-dil and Pie-three-an? Is that how you're saying it. I ask so years later you can't be like Denny O'Neil with Ray-sh Al Ghul when we all say it Rarrrsss Al Ghoul!

Good work, personally I'm more capes and supers than sword & sorcery.

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Omniscience

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#3  Edited By Omniscience

@batkevin74 Don't worry, you pronounced it exactly right! I'm of lover of all things fantastical... l mean, I've got a great idea for a superhero novel. But I chose to do this first because it allows for very clever story writing! Once again, thanks for reading man, tell other to come over too!

Regards,

Omniscience.

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4donkeyjohnson

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#4  Edited By 4donkeyjohnson

@Omniscience said:

was summoning his ‘Vitra’, or inner energies. His blades began to glow brightly with ambient energy, as Terundil remembered gladly how powerful a warrior Kytra was.

“Nega-Suri!” Kytra proclaimed, whilst drawing apart his two swords. This action released the glowing energy pent up within himself and his weapons. Consequently, the thick smog around them whittled
away, revealing the true extent of the devastation which their adversary had wrought. After the radius of the vitra reached its maximum, a towering wall of smoke remained around them. But even with the most part of the smoke cleared, they could see nothing. Only the ground quaking from the after-shocks.

Very Dragonball-Z ish, but still quite cool! Nice chapter

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Omniscience

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#5  Edited By Omniscience

@4donkeyjohnson: You're quite right, some of the moves do appear quite zany, like in that of DBZ or Naruto. Allow me to explain.

Vitra, in the Pythrean tongue, literally means vital. It is not a conventional means of attack in this world, as it takes a very long time to perfect, and can be difficult to harness... Kytra can use it to a degree, but then again he is versatile in most forms of combat. You'll see an expert in the very next chapter!

However, when the chapters go on, you'll see exactly what 'Vitra' is and can do. Also, the Magna King's power level is literally of the highest class in this world... without giving too much away he is the head of an Order, and therefore can access some crazy powers. But most of the people, save for a select few in the novel, can just use swords and H2H (like poor Terundil)!

Many thanks for reading,

Omniscience.

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Omniscience

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#6  Edited By Omniscience

l know you guys were interested! Here, have a read, and drop a note or two if you like!

Regards,

Omniscience.

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#7  Edited By Pyrogram

@Omniscience: all i can say is, give us part 2.

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#8  Edited By Omniscience

@Pyrogram: Awesome! God willing, I'll post the next chapter this coming Saturday! In the meantime, help a brother- tell more people about me! LOL :)

Regards,

Omniscience.

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#9  Edited By cbishop  Online

@Omniscience: You've got a decent story here. Typically, fantasy stuff isn't my fare, which I realize is a little strange for a comic fan to say, but for whatever reason, it just isn't. What I like even less is when it's written to sound "old world/ Old English." HOWEVER, that is just my personal preference. It's a perfectly valid choice of narrative - it's just not to my personal liking.

What definitely needs fixing here is that the narration flip-flops between sounding old world and sounding modern. I'd pick one or the other and go with it. If you're firm on old world, it might be easier to write it in modern, everyday language, so you get through it, then go back and make the needed changes to make it old world (changing your "while" to "whilst" and such). What might be better is having your characters' dialogue in old world, but narrate in modern. Old world narration is just going to slow your reader down from placing themselves in the story, and there's not much reason for it, unless one of your characters is the narrator - then they should stay in character.

I had to go back and read the parts in bold again, because they didn't flow well for me. After re-reading it, I think it was mildly a wording issue, but mostly because of CV's forced doublespacing format - the doublespaces broke it up and made it seem choppy. Personal opinion again: I think you should put the whole part in bold at the beginning, instead of breaking it up. I see what you're trying to do, saving the reveal of the name Magna King (and is it "M K" or "M-K"?) until the end, but why? The story title has already spoiled that. I'd put that whole ominous narrative at the start, and let the battle scene flow uninterrupted.

Outside of the technique, I enjoyed the story. You did a fair job of setting up the Four Warriors as mighty soldiers, and then made your villain scary, by having him easily defeat them. I assume a true hero will show themselves later, to challenge him.

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#10  Edited By Omniscience

@cbishop: Thanks for reading- feedback is not a given and thus is appreciated. I can see have you made very keen observations. I like that. Allow me to explain:

The parts in bold are not entirely clear at this moment- but it is intentionally not expected to be, as this is chapter 1. It is supposed to make you think why it has been written like this, who is speaking etc. Stay tuned to understand why I have done it this way!

If I follow you correctly, you are concerned about changes in narrative style. The descriptive narrative is more modern than the dialogue to make the story more accessible to other readers! In a way I am compensating for all audiences.

In all other matters l would obviously like to point out that this is the first chapter. There are a lot of a technical and narrative areas yet to be expounded; but as I say, all will make sense as the plot thickens, so to speak.

Regards,

Omniscience.

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#11  Edited By cbishop  Online

@Omniscience: I get that it's chapter one, and the parts in bold are intentionally obscure, and even that they are arranged the way they are for a reason. I'm just saying that I think you could gather it all at the beginning, making your battle scene flow better, without changing the mysteriousness of it at all. That's just an opinion on style though.

The change in narrative isn't exactly as you're saying. Some of it is written as if in old world speak, and some of it is in modern. I'm not talking about the dialogue - you're pretty consistent on that.

It's a good start though.

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#12  Edited By Omniscience

Excellent. I have seen some areas that I could change. Perhaps you could point out to me any areas you feel are too "old world speak"? Perhaps I just write old fashioned, being an old fashioned kind of guy. As always, thank you for the feedback.

Regards,

Omniscience.

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#13  Edited By cbishop  Online

@Omniscience: I'll give it a re-read in the next couple of days. Tue/Wed is my weekend, and I've got a few things to do. I'll get back to you though.

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#14  Edited By cbishop  Online

@Omniscience said:

Excellent. I have seen some areas that I could change. Perhaps you could point out to me any areas you feel are too "old world speak"? Perhaps I just write old fashioned, being an old fashioned kind of guy. As always, thank you for the feedback.

Regards,

Omniscience.

Done. See your PM box. Hope you find it useful.