Percy Jackson: the God of Thunder Part 1

Avatar image for jackjack390
JackJack390

1604

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

#1  Edited By JackJack390

I do not own any of the characters, locations, or items in this story

Percy Jackson: Leo, are you sure that these weird tubes will be able to ensure that we'll be able to breathe in space.

Leo Valdez: Of course dude, I spent weeks on these, they'll hold up.

Jason Grace: Annabeth, can you tell us why we have to go to the moon again?

Annabeth Chase: Because, my mother has been senseing something godly wrong on the moon recently and wanted me to check it out.

Piper McLean: Gods, I hate rocket ships.

Leo: Relax Pipes, cause, we are on the freaking moon!!!

Jason: Well I'm not feeling any good vibes here, so let's find this "Godly wrong" thing and leave.

Percy: Guys, I think I see it.

Narrator: Percy sees a crater, and inside the crater, was a hammer, the odd thing about the hammer, was that had little bits of lightning sparking around it.

Annabeth: Jason, that lightning, do you know anything about Zeus, or Jupiter, or… whoever, owning a lightning hammer?

Jason: No, I don't, other than… well no, that can't be true, just forget it.

Piper: Well I say we bring it to the ship and than we leave.

Annabeth: I agree.

Leo: I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a hammer.

Jason: Well I'm going to go get it as seeing that it's real sparky.

Percy: Go for it

Narrator: As hard as he tried, Jason couldn't lift the hammer, than Leo tried and failed. But than Percy said

Percy: Girls, I got this, woah, no offense.

Narrator: Annabeth and Piper were giving Percy a disapproving look. Percy picked up the hammer, and he transformed, He was taller, wearing some kind of Viking Battle Armor, and while this happened he was wrapped in lightning.

Percy: Woah

Leo: Wow, did you just turn into 22 year old Jason? Hey, if you did you can drink now.

Narrator: Leo was the only one grinning, every one else looked somewhat shocked.

Narrator: Than in a second the Demi-Gods found themselves in a golden throne room.

Jason: Hey, is this Olympus?

Narrator: Asked Jason who has never been to Olympus

Annabeth: No

Narrator: Than a booming voice came from the other side of the room

Odin: How dare you children lift the hammer of Thor??

Percy: Erm-

Piper: Hi, I'm Piper, and these are my frien-

Jason: Sir I'm sorry but Thor, as in the Norse God of Thunder?

Odin: I will not play this game children! Explain, or be destroyed!! For stealing a weapon of the Prince of Asgard!

Narrator: Leo instinctively lit himself on fire, Odin took this as an attack.

Odin: Pest!!

Narrator: Odin backhanded Leo and he was knocked out.

Jason: Hey!! We just got our friend back, so you aren't taking him away!!!

Narrator: Jason mustered all of his strength and blasts Odin.

Odin: Ahahahaha!!

Jason: How are you… laughing? How did it not hurt.

Odin: It hurt boy, but it will not stop me. I am the All-Father you miserable childr- ouch.

Narrator: Annabeth took her Drakon Bone sword and invisibility hat and attempted to run him through, it merely scratched the All-Father

Odin: Foolish welp!!!

Narrator: Odin threw her across the room, than Percy saw blood trickling across her head, then got mad.

Percy: Old Monster!!

Narrator: Than Percy grabbed Odin and threw him out of palace and, Percy follows.

Narrater: Want to find the fate of the Demi-Gods, Where the real Thor is, and how only Percy could lift the hammer, tune in next time to find out.

TO BE CONTINUED

Avatar image for delphic
Delphic

1705

Forum Posts

10567

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 47

User Lists: 18

@jackjack390: Okay, several tips for you, but first I'm going to tell you what you got right. What you have here is an interesting concept, and if polished then you could have something really good.

Now on the parts you didn't get so well.

1) Most readers don't take you seriously when you write in script format. Dialogue is always good, but your readers want to be immersed in the scene. They can't really get that from a script, because a script is left largely up to the interpretation of a director and actors. Since there are neither, I recommend you being writing in a narrative format, and be sure to be descriptive. You want readers to like what you write, then they have to feel as if they are there in the scene as it takes place.

2) Your spelling needs looking at. It's something else that readers sometimes have issues with, more so than grammar. For example in your fic: Narrater is actually spelt: Narrator, and for toon in next time, it should actually be: tune in next time.

Work on these two main points, and I think you will be well on your way to having an excellent fan fiction story.

Avatar image for jackjack390
JackJack390

1604

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

Avatar image for thespiritstalker
TheSpiritStalker

2781

Forum Posts

724

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 5

User Lists: 0

@delphic said:

@jackjack390: Okay, several tips for you, but first I'm going to tell you what you got right. What you have here is an interesting concept, and if polished then you could have something really good.

Now on the parts you didn't get so well.

1) Most readers don't take you seriously when you write in script format. Dialogue is always good, but your readers want to be immersed in the scene. They can't really get that from a script, because a script is left largely up to the interpretation of a director and actors. Since there are neither, I recommend you being writing in a narrative format, and be sure to be descriptive. You want readers to like what you write, then they have to feel as if they are there in the scene as it takes place.

2) Your spelling needs looking at. It's something else that readers sometimes have issues with, more so than grammar. For example in your fic: Narrater is actually spelt: Narrator, and for toon in next time, it should actually be: tune in next time.

Work on these two main points, and I think you will be well on your way to having an excellent fan fiction story.

This is gold right here.

Avatar image for jackjack390
JackJack390

1604

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

Avatar image for cbishop
cbishop

16860

Forum Posts

361212

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 75

User Lists: 1092

@delphic: @thespiritstalker: so as long as I fix these things do you think you will follow the story?

I would, even though I'm not familiar with the Percy Jackson characters. I really dislike script form though. I should really try it more, because that's how most comics get written, but that's something for me to try on the writing side. For producing a story I want others to read, I'll go with prose every time. Nobody is putting pictures with my text here, so it's completely up to the words to convey the story.

Script works against that from the beginning, because script directions keep your reader from being completely drawn into the story. You want to draw them in with every line, so that they want to read until the end. Script fights the reader's commitment the entire way.

Added to my FF Long Box - Authors. :)

Avatar image for jackjack390
JackJack390

1604

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

@cbishop: I am planning on making the rest narrative instead of script, so I will tag you, tss, and delphic the next time

Avatar image for cbishop
cbishop

16860

Forum Posts

361212

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 75

User Lists: 1092

Avatar image for 4donkeyjohnson
4donkeyjohnson

2063

Forum Posts

0

Wiki Points

0

Followers

Reviews: 0

User Lists: 0

@jackjack390: bit hard too read

@delphic said:

@jackjack390: Okay, several tips for you, but first I'm going to tell you what you got right. What you have here is an interesting concept, and if polished then you could have something really good.

Now on the parts you didn't get so well.

1) Most readers don't take you seriously when you write in script format. Dialogue is always good, but your readers want to be immersed in the scene. They can't really get that from a script, because a script is left largely up to the interpretation of a director and actors. Since there are neither, I recommend you being writing in a narrative format, and be sure to be descriptive. You want readers to like what you write, then they have to feel as if they are there in the scene as it takes place.

2) Your spelling needs looking at. It's something else that readers sometimes have issues with, more so than grammar. For example in your fic: Narrater is actually spelt: Narrator, and for toon in next time, it should actually be: tune in next time.

Work on these two main points, and I think you will be well on your way to having an excellent fan fiction story.

no point saying whats already been said