Hey viners. I would one day like to become a writer, but I'm not that good at it right now. I've written a short little story, and I was hoping some of you would read it. It's my first story so it probably sucks but with that said I was hoping you would give me some constructive feedback. Things I defiantly need to work on, how I can fix them, things like that ( not just something like "it sucks"). Thank you in advance.
Nothing But Darkness
The old man stared out his window, his brow lowered in contempt. Outside the neighbors, in their self-loathing, had taken it upon themselves to practice their despicable craft, laying out their offerings on the tables around them. Crowding around their chosen receiver, they began to chant, dedicating the day to some one on equal level to themselves, though lesser than himself of course. A quiver of a smile briefly appeared on his weather-worn face. “How pathetic” he thought “that they should require the acceptance of one another to know of our greatness, to think that humanity has partook of this land for so long that we have forgotten our rightful claim to it. That we must reassure ourselves of our place in this world. I need no reassurance. ” The smile’s place was now occupied by a stern frown, as his eyes darted to the wall behind him. His gaze was one of alarm, and he began to shake his hands restlessly as if trying to brush off a great blaze. He knew he had seen something in the corner, he knew it, but it must have run off, for he now saw nothing but darkness. “A child” he thought , “One of the pathetic things offspring that has wandered into my home.” He began to walk towards the wall, in order to search for his mystery intruder. He was quickly distracted, however, as he began to ponder over the objects placed delicately on his wall. His eyes focused on the various diplomas and awards with extreme intensity and loving, as if gorging themselves on the fruit of his labor. Here was his proof, you see, all the proof he would ever need of his own worth, and it filled him with a burning pride. His heart began to beat faster. He had bested the top contenders for his admittance, surely a sign of his worth! Thump -Thump, Thump -Thump. He had bested his peers, always the top of his class. It was many years ago, but it surely still rang true, an obvious admittance of his worth! Thump- Thump, THUMP -THUMP. “Why, if given the chance” he thought “I should best God himself!” THUMP – THUMP, THUMP – THUMP. “Human persistence proves its righteous claims, in and of itself, not lest for our dominance in this world. We show our worth in every act, and I am an example of the worth we show!” THUMP – THUM… and his face froze with a look of confusion, followed by horror as realization hit. He fell to the floor with a groan of pain, and wriggled around in agony. From his mouth spewed white foam, and his eyes rolled into the back of his head, until he could see only darkness. He felt a sharp pain, unlike any he had ever known, and his chest was set ablaze. And as he lay there on the floor, his mind began to race. His life flashed before his eyes, yet he saw nothing but an empty void, and then he saw something even more frightening. He saw a great expanse of cosmos; millions upon billions of stars alight with intense devotion, planets both occupied and not, that a human eye has never yet laid upon, and never again will. The expanse grew smaller in front of him, as if he was constantly moving in reverse until he could see the whole thing. The entire universe now stood before him, in its infinite glory. And while he continued to stare at the vastness in front of him, in the back of his mind the image began to zoom in. He noticed no pattern, no rhyme or reason to the point in space upon which it chose to focus. Just one insignificant speck expanded upon only to zoom in on an even more insignificant speck inside of the previous one. This continued for what seemed like eons to him. One insignificant speck, after one insignificant speck, after one insignificant speck, after One INSIGNIFICANT speck. Until finally he faced himself and woke with a start; he had lived through his ordeal. Surely another sign of his worth? And he mustered all his might to stand, but found he could not, though not due to the weakness of his legs. So he began to slowly crawl his way through the kitchen door, and when he reached it he finally had gained the courage to walk once more, and so he did. Not long after the kitchen drawer lay open in front of him, containing all its normal contents minus one steak knife. And he pushed the knife into his heart, to end his pain. His external suffering had already ended, but in its place it left a pain that would never leave him. He now knew something that before he did not, but he wished he had never learned, for how can one who knew so much now know so little?