Feathered Fowl: Part 2 of 4.
Note: The characters used in this series are a bit more exaggerated then they would otherwise appear. So... like, Captain America isn't usually so happy about beating people up. Do you get it? Yeah. You've got it.
Cleaveland, Ohio
Tragedy was nothing new to the life of Howard T. Duck, while he'd spent most of his early life dealing with various hardships, the amount of tragic events he encountered seemed to have doubled since he'd arrived on this new, different Earth.
"Of all the stinkin' luck." Howard grumbled while walking down the high street, still dressed in his Smart Mart employee uniform with a cigar sticking out of his beak, sending black smoke drifting up into the otherwise blue sky. As he went about his way the citizens of Cleaveland gave him odd looks, like they were curious about his appearance, however he simply ignored them, having grown used to the ignorance that seemed to pollute this Earth like a disease.
"Fired from my job and I ain't even got enough cash to print off another CV!" He moaned.
The Duck let out an audible sigh, an expression he'd been using a lot lately before taking a long, loving look at his final cigar, discarding the one he'd just finished smoking.
"I'm gonna have ta make you count." Howard muttered before stepping inside the nearest convenience store with the intent of begging for a job.
DING!
A dull, static light washed over him like a cold shower, green light covered the small shop as Howard walked towards the counter where a clerk was busy reading a local newspaper.
"Hulk saves world."The paper's headline read, followed by a picture of the jade giant surrounded by destruction. "Military continues pursuit of creature."
"Makes sense." Howard said to nobody in particular.
By the store's entrance a customer noticed the talking duck and immediately dropped his shopping and stepped out of the shop, not wanting to get involved with the strange scene that was happening right before his eyes.
"Hey buddy!" The Duck prodded the clerk's paper in an attempt to get his attention. "Customer service!"
The man was of Asian descent, made clear by the colour of his skin as he peered over his crumpled reading material. He took one look at the creature in front of him and dropped his paper to the ground.
"Oh my god!" He yelled as Howard rolled his eyes and adjusted the small hat on top of his head. "You're-" He started to say.
"I know. I'm a duck..."
"No! You're Howard!" The shop owner almost cheered with glee before reaching behind the counter and producing a small, plastic DVD case with a picture of an egg on the cover.
"Oh gawd..." The unemployed creature rubbed his eyes like he was suffering from a headache. "Why were you carrying that?" He asked.
"You're the star of the greatest movie ever!" The clerk yelled while wiping some dust from the cover, revealing the bright orange logo for something that Howard would rather forget. "Why wouldn't I carry it with me?!"
"George Lucas proudly presents-"
"Listen, pal." Howard said, trying to negotiate with the lunatic before things got out of hand. "I just came in here looking for a job. Not t-"
"Oh my god, yes!" The overweight nerd giggled, revealing unkept teeth and what appeared to be an infection growing on his bottom lip. "Yes! Please! Take my job!" He begged as Howard slowly started to back towards the exit. "Take my job! You c-"
DING!
The warm sensation of the sun fell onto Howard's back as he stumbled into the street, scarred by what he'd just encountered. He breathed heavily and began to relax, relieved that the ordeal was over. Fans were some of the most dangerous people on the planet, he didn't meet one often... but when he did it never ended well.
He never seemed to catch a break, everywhere the Duck went he seemed to encounter a situation that was somehow more bizarre (and dangerous) then the last.
It wasn't fair! It wasn't-
BOOM!
Any train of thought Howard may have had was interrupted by the blazing fireball that incinerated the store he'd just visited, he was knocked back into the road, with firey debris flying all around him like some kind of meteor shower.
"WAUGH!!!" He gasped as he landed on his back.
"Oh my god!" A civillain yelled at the scene. "It's a terrorist! One of those ISIS monsters!"
"Uh... no." Someone else said. "If it WAS a terrorist it was clearly Donald Trump. He's the biggest terrorist of all!"
"You got somethin' ta say, pal?" The first speaker asked.
"Can someone help me?" Howard asked as he got back to his feet and stared at the small crowd that was getting into a political debate.
"Clearly if anyone's a terrorist it's the Je-"
The Duck ignored the hairless apes and instead moved towards the ruins of the building, he heard a cry for help and spotted the store clerk pinned beneath a pile of concrete rubble.
"Howard..." He gasped.
"Don't worry!" Howard said, trying to reassure the weirdo. "Help's on the way! Somebody help me!" He yelled to the crowd, only for his pleas to fall on deaf ears.
"It's... too late for me..." The clerk said. "Just... just let me stroke your feathers..."
Howard jumped back in horror, his eyes widening as he realized he was dealing with a complete nutbag. On a nearby building overlooking the carnage, the Turnip Man watched his enemy try desperatley to organise the bickering crowd, only for him to fail miserably as they ignored his requests and instead continued to argue.
"Yes, duck."He said, trying to impress a person that didn't actually exist. "Fail! Fail like you always-"
Turnip Man leapt behind cover as his evil speech gained the Duck's attention, having somehow heard the villain talking to himself. He looked up at the rooftop from where the voice had come from, only for him to see nothing.
From behind his sanctuary, the villain finished his wicked statement, still disatisfied with the whole process of trying to impress the invisible audience that monitored the universe.
"Fail like you always will."He said, only to realize that the moment for the speech had passed.
____________________________________
A little later...
"Avengers (and Hulk I guess...) Assemble!
Hours later and Howard's luck hadn't gotten any better, from a mile away he could see the ruins of what had once been his low rent apartment. Smoke drifted up into the air and what appeared to be a team of costumed idiots were standing around the rubble like they were posing for a magazine cover.
"Great work team!" Captain America said to Iron Man, Thor and the Incredible Hulk, all forming around him like he was some kind of god. "Only 17 innocent people injured and $6000 in property damage!" By their feet was the unconscious supervillain known as the Hypno Hustler, a black bruise slowly forming on his face. "That's an all time low!"
"Hulk smash?"
"Yes, Hulk! That fire station we smashed through didn't know what hit it!" The heroes all began to laugh at their victory... and Howard began to scream.
"WAUGH!!! You costumed morons!" He screeched. "What the hell have you done?!"
All the heroes turned towards him, each one looming over the small duck like he was an insect.
"Howard?" Captain America's face turned pale as he remembered a memory from the past. "I haven't seen you since Iraq!"
"Do you know this guy, Cap?" Iron Man asked while taking a sip out of his suit's portable drink dispenser.
"It seemth the Captain doth know every brave warrior under the sun." Thor, the thunder god said while turning away from the duck with a look of disinterest.
"What can we do for you, chum?" The Captain asked while kneeling to the height of his old partner.
"Do?!" Howard's eyes were red with fury. "You can rebuild my house for one thing! Pay me back for all the damages and return all my junk you smashed!"
Iron Man and Captain America glanced at each other, both shrugged at the exact time and looked down at their ally.
"We didn't smash your house, Donald." Tony Stark said. "It was like this when we got here."
"Oh I really doubt that!" Howard snapped. "You're a billionaire, Stark! Why don't you-"
"You can handle this, Steve." Iron Man activated his boot jets and soared up into the sky. "I'm gonna go do something productive for once." The invincible hero laughed at his little joke before disappearing.
"Howard." The Captain said as his friend turned his back in disgust. "You know the Avengers are only here to help."
"I know that Cap." Howard scowled, his beak twitching slightly as he tapped his foot in anger. "And I also know that I've had a pretty crummy week! And sometimes... I've gotta let all that pent up rage and anger out!"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying the Avengers just made themselves extinct!"
Next Issue: Howard takes on the Avengers!
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