Feathered Fowl:Part 1 of 4
A long time ago...
In another galaxy...
In a small cabin, located far from the everyday problems of civilisation, a couple gave birth to a beautiful, baby boy. He was perfect in every way. Completely healthy, with bright blue eyes, a lovely laugh and an orange beak that matched perfectly with his white feathers. His mother knew he'd grow up to be a handsome devil, one that would attract all the fowls and ducklings he encountered.
See... this baby boy was a duck. As were most of the other intelligent lifeforms that populated his planet, in this strange, confusing world, being an amphibious bird that spent more time on the water then on land was nothing unique. Honestly it was pretty average to be born that way.
Yet there was something different about this child, something that was completely unique, something that was very different from the average person.
"Howard." The child's mother said as she cradled him by the fireplace of her home. "I want to call him Howard." She decided before affectionatly stroking her son's head. "One day he's going to change the world."
As it turns out, the duck's mother was correct. Her son would in fact grow up to change the world before recognition... it just wouldn't be the one he'd been born on.
Honestly she should have been more specific, as at the ripe old age of 23, Mister Howard T. Duck suddenly vanished from the face of the Earth, leaving little to no impact on the population he'd once coexisted with.
Mrs T. Duck had been correct though, her son would go on to do great things.
Things beyond imagination.
________________________________
Cleaveland, Smart Mart.
Now.
BEEP!
In one world he was a billionaire, a man who spent his days donating money to various charities, before spending his nights dressing up in a ludicrous costume and patrolling the rooftops in search of crime.
BEEP!
In another world he was a king, ruler of a land populated by hairless apes who all obeyed his every command without question.
"Oh my! It didn't scan."
"Uh huh."
"Must be free."
"Never heard that one before..."
BEEP!
An electronic sound distracted Howard from his day dream, it was much later in his life, and quite a lot had changed for the 30 year old hero.
Well... 'hero' with quotations. Let's not overexaggerate anything.
"That'll be $4.95."
Years ago, back when Howard had been on his own Earth, he'd wished for a change of scenery, something far away from the bumbling idiots he was forced to constantly deal with.
It seemed the universe had taken him literally, but rather then actually helping him, he'd been sent to a world with even bigger idiots that dressed up in spandex at the slightest provocation and went around punching each other in the head.
"Oh dear..." The old, human woman mumbled as she quickly rummaged through her bag like she was searching for a murray mint. A pair of thick spectacles were hanging from her head, making her eyes look gigantic and almost bulge from behind the glass. "I do believe I've misplaced my credit card."
Howard sighed from behind the till of his latest profession, a large queue was beginning to form around his work station, with the whole process being held up by the hairless ape who'd somehow managed to mess everything up. She'd had one job.
"Cash is fine." The Duck said, arm keeping his almost numb skull from collapsing.
"What was that, dearie?"
"Hey man!" One of the customers trapped in the queue yelled, gaining Howard's attention. "What the hell are you doing?!"
In anger, the feathered fowl hopped up onto his chair, placing him in clear view of all the customers and causing some of them to scream in surprise. Some of them were men as well... it was quite disconcerting.
"What am I doing?!" Howard snapped, body shaking with rage and irritation. "YOU'RE the hairless ape who decided to get onto a busy till! What am I doing?! What are YOU doing?!"
The man simply stared at the anthropomorphic creature, eyes wide and his mouth hanging slightly, amazed at the sight before him. All around him, his fellow customers were also giving off similar expressions, everyone's eyes locked on the talking animal attempting to serve them their groceries for incredibly convenient prices.
"You're... you're a duck." He said, almost in a whisper to make the situation more dramatic.
"The old granny don't seem to mind." The Duck grumbled, giving off a foul expression. He noticed that the old woman seemed to be continuing her conversation with a nearby dustbin, and he realized that her being fine with his presence wasn't saying much.
"I'm pretty sure she's senile." One of the customers pitched in.
___________________________________________________
In a stuffy office that seemed to slowly suck the life out of its inhabitants, Howard tapped his webbed foot against the stained carpet right below him.
Everything seemed to smell like coffee and he didn't know why, as far as he knew the shop's manager didn't even like coffee.
"So, Howard." The store's boss, Mister Greengrass said from across the room, right by his window that seemed to lead to the tranquility of the outside. "How long have you been with us now?"
The Duck checked the watch tied around his wrist.
"Two hours and seventeen minutes."
"Wow. And you couldn't go that long without attacking one of our customers?" Greengrass asked, looking extremely thin beneath his sweaty suit. His head was very thin, like he wasn't eating correctly... but for some reason he seemed nervous, like he was afraid of something. "Our INCREDIBLY valued customers?" He said as if somebody was listening.
"It ain't my fault most of your customers are mindless idiots with no manners o-"
"Get out!" Greengrass said suddenly, slamming his hand down on his desk, almost making Howard jump out of his skin. "You're fired!"
"What?!"
"You heard me!"
He watched as Howard rolled his eyes, got to his feet and quickly continued his tyrannical rant.
"There are two rules here, Howard! Don't urinate on the products and DON'T yell at the customers!"
"...what? Where the hell did you get that first rule fr-"
"We have it for people like you!" Greengrass snapped. "And by 'people' I obviously mean..." He glanced at some writing on his hand and squinted slightly, unable to read his own style. "...animal people."
It seemed he'd quickly given up and just come up with the first name on the top of his head.
"Shaddup ya hairless ape." Howard grumbled as he slammed the office door shut behind him and walked out of the building.
Greengrass waited a minute before glancing out the window into the lovely, scenic car park that surrounded the store. Once he saw the unmistakeable figure of Howard storming across the concrete gravel he slumped into his chair and let out a loud sigh of relief.
"It's done!" The stressed out manager yelled into the air. "The duck's gone! I got rid of him, just like you wanted!"
Out of the corner of the room a shadowy figure appeared, seemingly having watched the entire conversation. His head was abnormally large, with what appeared to be a cape trailing behind him as he stepped towards the frightened manager.
"Excellent work, Mister Greygrass."The figure said, voice sounding like an elderly woman that had smoked a hundred cigarettes a day. "For a moment even I thought you had the spine to fire an employee. Obviously that's not true, otherwise you would never have agreed to my demands."
The manager chuckled nervously to himself and pulled slightly at his collar, sweat dripping down his head to join the thick puddle covering his body.
"It's, uh... it's Greengrass." He corrected.
"I really don't care." The figure admitte before placing his hand on the manager's shoulder. "BUT I'LL BE SURE TO WRITE IT ON YOUR GRAVE!"He laughed as the manager suddenly began to choke to death.
"What..." He splutted while stumbling back into his desk, clutching at his throat. "My alergies!" Greengrass gasped as his skin began to turn pale. "But... I-"
He fell back into the table, crushing it beneath his weight.
"Oh."The shadow looked down at his handiwork in a bit of surprise. "Oh wow! I didn't even realize you were allergic."He was amazed at the sheer coincidence of the situation. "That... that really helps illustrate my threat."
Quickly the killer twirled his cape to give off a dramatic appearance, something he'd been told would help amaze anyone that would happen to be watching the scene.
His name was the Turnip Man, a professional super criminal that had a score to settle at any cost. He stepped back into the shadows and disappeared, leaving behind the foul stench of turnips and cough medicine. Before suddenly reappearing upon realizing he'd messed up the order of his dramatic exit.
"And soon."Turnip Man said, remembering the line he'd thought of earlier. "Soon Howard the Duck will face a similar fate!"
He glanced around just to make sure nobody was watching, and with disatisfaction at the otherwise empty office he stepped back into the shadows, quickly disappearing from sight.
Next Issue: A Day in the Life.
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