Marvel Iron Age: Old Man Scalphunter

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batkevin74

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This is a fan-fic within a fan-fic universe, which may be true or not. Rated M and in case you're unfamiliar with the Iron Age; Stryfe took over and has ruled the planet for 200yrs as The Supreme Commander. Want more then go here and check it out!

**

The Bar With No Name, somewhere in the Mid-West

“I think you’ll find that’s my hovercycle, you old stark!” snapped the young lady in the vintage SHIELD armour.

The old man looked up and smiled. “I think you’ll find sweetheart, is that I don’t give a stark what you think!”

The woman snapped her fingers and three large burly men got up from the tables on the veranda, each producing weapons of various calibres. The old man on the soon to be stolen hoverbike shook his head.

“How quickly people forget when you’re not in the starking spotlight!” he remarked as he got off shaking his fingers “Now I’m going to kill you last sugar boobs, mainly because…actually I ain’t got no code against killing women, stark I’ve killed truckloads. Kids too!”

With speed seemingly impossible for one so wrinkled he drew his gun and shot her right in the mouth, blasting teeth out the back of her skull. Her body collapsed in a heap in front of her comrades as he holstered his gun.

“Whoa!” said the heavyset guy slowly raising his hands “S’okay man, chillaxinate”.

The old man drew a pair of katanas. “That’s not even a word, you fat sack of jelly pus! Besides, killing your wenchy gave me a thirst for hacking and slashing and dice rolling. You poked the starking bear!”

He surged forward spinning like a ballerina of old, the blades ripping through them like a scythe through wheat. It was more massacre than fight. Fingers, limbs, and blood. Gallons of blood coated the veranda of the bar.

“You moron nutcage children forget who the stark I am! And that gets in my craw! I don’t even know what a craw is but you’ve gotten in it! You starking starkholes!”

The old man panted as he looked at the slaughter on the steps. Nothing was left of the trio that was bigger than a data pad. Blood dripped from the roof. It was if someone had thrown a razor grenade into a meatworks. The publican walked out to survey the mess.

“Boise moi!” he muttered as he polished a mug.

He sheathed his katanas and rummaged through pockets, producing an ancient silver eagle coin from one and flicking it “Sorry about the mess.”

The publican caught the coin, “So who are you?”

“Not you too!” moaned the old man “I’m starking Scalphunter! Former premier assassin of the Iron Army!”

“Before my time. My father might’ve known you, if he was alive.”

Scalphunter walked up to the bartender and grabbed him by the neck, tilting his head to the side to study his face “And your father was?”

“S-Sergei Vleck!” he coughed struggling against the vice-like grip.

“And he is…?”

“The man who rallied the New Latverian Quarter.”

Scalphunter twisted the man’s head to study it completely “Doom-lite! You look like him. Clone?”

“Son.”

“Lovely jaw line,” remarked Scalphunter as he let him go with a pat on the chest “Your dad was an idiot with an army. Would’ve worked too, but history is full of wrong place wrong time things. Seems the Iron Apple has always been a melting pot for chaos and stupidity. Anyways, I’d love to stay and chat but I’d be lying, so I’m gonna head off.”

“You knew my father?”

“Not personally. What’s your name?”

“Anatoli. Anatoli Vleck.”

“Well Anatoli Anatoli Vleck,” Scalphunter smiled “Just run your bar and keep your trap shut and you may just have a nice life. Unlike your papa who collided headlong into a Magneto wannabe and they both ended up dead!”

Anatoli looked longingly at the old assassin “Would you please tell me about my father? I never knew who he was.”

Scalphunter threw his head back to match his rolling eyes “STARK! Your dad is dead and he ain’t coming back. No amount of hugging and…” He drew out his gun again “Man, old habits die hard. See what’s happening here Anatoli Anatoli…which is a dumb name by the way! Just let me steal the hoverbike before them Shieldheads arrive. Capeesh? Comprende?”

Anatoli nodded slowly as Scalphunter got on the bike and kicked it into life. “How much?”

“How much what?” replied Anatoli.

“How much you going to pay me to tell you a story?”

Anatoli reached into his pocket and produced a set of keys “You can have the bar.”

The hoverbike rumbled underneath him as Scalphunter glared at the keys. He smiled broadly “I’ll think about it. Keep your mouth shut to the Shieldheads and maybe I’ll be back next week.”

And with that he shot off down the road. Anatoli looked at the horror on his doorstep and shrugged as he trudged off to get a mop.

**

The wind buffeted Gerald’s face as he flew back towards his hideout. For thirty six years he’d pretty much kept to himself after the stark that went down.

“Looks like I’m going to have to do a montage to catch everyone up to speed,” said the assassin into the rear-view mirror “Man, you are one wrinkly old bastard! Well, that’s because I’m old and can’t die thanks to…” He paused as he said a name he hadn’t said in three decades. “General Falcon Helfitta!”

**

Some 36yrs ago, on route to New York City

Scalphunter stood leaning against a bank of monitors on WarForce One, the Supreme Commander’s personal warship. Iron Claw, General Falcon Helfitta, the commander’s “daughter” Rachel, and The Wrecking Crew stood in front of the Supreme Commander as he tapped angrily upon the armrest of his chair, the Muramasa Blade resting on his lap.

“I have had enough!” scowled The Supreme Commander, flecks of spit bubbling on his lips. “We are ending this NOW!”

“Righto mate,” said Wreckingball in his broad Australian accent as he threw up a lazy salute. The leader of the Iron Army looked the org-borg up and down like it was something he’d trodden in.

“This Magneto and his army of mutants,” He spat the words like they were poison in his mouth “The one they are calling Doom and his band of New Latverian misfits. The Chechyen DMZ!! How is it they are able to raise armies? Is there a whole underground city teeming with genetic filth simply waiting for the next would be ruler to bring them to my attention? SOMEONE ANSWER ME!?”

“Well you’ve been a bit starking mad of late,” said Scalphunter with a smile “That Asgard fight, tha ack coff oh good arrgh you’re choking ack coff me!”

The head of the European Assassination Division hung in the air like an ant caught in tweezers, legs dangling as his employer held him aloft telekinetically. Everyone else was deadly silent as the hanging proceeded. With a flick of his finger he slammed Scalphunter into the roof and then head first into the floor. The Supreme Commander chuckled. “You wouldn’t be so quick if you didn’t heal Gerald. Anyone else? I didn’t think so. Now Falcon, what is this plan of killing me?”

General Helfitta stepped forward “We use this uprising with Magneto and this new Doom; along the open sedition in Colorado to our advantage along with your agitated state. You take them down brutally, violently and publicly. Then when the dust settles and your guard is down, our assassin strikes. You will not actually be harmed nor anywhere near as we will have the decoy,” A man stepped up from the back who looked exactly like Stryfe “He was made by a secret division of Ferrum under the direction of Stevenson. When they test his teeth and blood to make sure it is you, the results will come back confirming our ruse. You will go into temporary exile.”

“I don’t like this,” muttered Rachel.

“Neither do I.” added Iron Claw.

“This is not a committee!” snapped Helfitta angrily. “Either we use this plan or we do what we always do! Place bandaids over bullet holes! What do we lose by this? NOTHING!”

Stryfe looked at his general, peering deeply into his eyes “Hmmm. It has merit, and all the hallmarks of treachery. We shall proceed.”

“My lord!” barked Iron Claw in protest. That protest was met with a telekinetic slam that send the Chechyen killer up to the roof and back onto the floor. Scalphunter stood and adjusted his broken neck.

“So that’s what it looks like!” he giggled “Normally I don’t get to see it from the outside. Very funny. Want me to kill him boss?”

The Supreme Commander shook his head “No, we need him. Now get me every Iron Hall on the eastern seaboard.”

**

Casa Del Scalpo

Scalphunter arrived at his little fortress in the middle of nowhere. It had been built by some rich starks who wanted a place free to express their dissenting opinions to the regime, stupidly believing that Dr Nathaniel Essex was more trustworthy than the current leadership. Essex listened to their grievances before rounding them all up and performing a series of experiments on them which eventually turned them into paste which was then used as feed for a Creed cloning farm. That generation of Creeds were especially vicious.

“Honey, I’m home!” he sang as he waited for the automated defences to scan and check him. A green light clicked on and a section of the hill slid open to reveal a set of carbonadium reinforced doors that slowly hissed open.

“Did you bring wine?” asked a voice from the wall.

Scalphunter paused and looked himself up and down “Um…”

“You idiot!”

Scalphunter smiled and pulled a bottle from behind his back and held it up to the pinhole camera hidden in the wall. “Of course I did you miserable starking stark!”

To be continued...

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#4  Edited By cbishop

@batkevin74: "Chillaxinate." No, it's not a word...but it should be. :)

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TommytheHitman

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Nice Magneto reference. Very enjoyable story and for some reason I really enjoyed seeing Old Man Scalphunter slaughter some fools.

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batkevin74

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#6  Edited By batkevin74

@tommythehitman: Tying in your Magneto stuff which occurred at the same time as another uprising hence SC's complete dismay at yet another revolt! :)

@cbishop said:

@batkevin74: "Chillaxinate." No, it's not a word...but it should be. :)

True. Try using it a few times today. It'll catch on :)

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#7  Edited By ImpurestCheese

@batkevin74: So sorry for the late comment. Feels great to have Scalphunter back, not to mention the Iron Age to boot. Can't wait to see where this heads.

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I love how Tony's legacy has just been dragged through the mud. You know you weren't the most popular when you're name has been converted to a swear.

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@cbishop said:

@batkevin74: "Chillaxinate." No, it's not a word...but it should be. :)

True. Try using it a few times today. It'll catch on :)

Dude, don't rush me. Take a chillaxative. 8^D huh? huhhh? I think we could be onto something.

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#10  Edited By ImpurestCheese
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Time_Phantom

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Very good. Can't wait for more. I'm curious to see how this developes

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batkevin74

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@time_phantom: Might go with the idea we discussed but might sway another way, stay tuned

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#15  Edited By batkevin74

Bumped to remind me

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wildvine

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I didn't know I wanted this til I read it.

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@wildvine said:

I didn't know I wanted this til I read it.

Thanks, I was trying for an Old Man Logan feel doing a fan-fic of a fan-fic which echoed what really happened but the future was different...I should really have a crack at a part two to either wrap it up or wreck it completely