Cowritten and Edited by @knightofthechronicle
The stupidest bounty hunter in the galaxy.
"Hey... does anyone else have kinda... eel... thing in their drink? 'Cause I do."
A series of loud booms rocked the skull of Jon Trunick as he stumbled from his table located in the foulest night club in the universe. He was dressed in casual clothing, brown trousers, with the chest armour on his torso being covered by the coat he always wore, even when it was boiling outside. His bright, blonde hair was slicked back like someone trying to compensate for something and he was wearing what appeared to be a pair of retro sunglasses from the 1980s over his eyes.
It was strange, mankind had somehow reached the year 2789, a time of great innovation and scientific advancement, yet the species still hadn't invented a cure for drunken hangovers. In this modern era, foul diseases like cancer and and the common cold were capable of being cured within minutes, yet a simple headache caused by alcohol was still a mystery. Jon didn't care what scientists said, losing a body part was child's play compared to the splitting pain of a hangover.
At least he hoped it was a hangover.... for all he knew somekind of telepath could be reading his mind and accessing his credit information... or a Slurian brain slug had managed to creep into his ear while he was sleeping and was already beginning to plant its eggs right behind his eyes.
"Nope. Definitely a hangover." Jon groaned as the flashing lights of the 'Eclipse Club' scarred his vision, leaving a painful mark. All around him a multitude of different shapes and figures were dancing their troubles away, ranging from looking humanoid, to resembling the native animals that had once populated Earth. Some looked like dogs, some looked like forms of aquatic life... one patron of the club had an Elephant skull and what appeared to be scales running along his body.
The drunk bounty hunter checked the electronic device on his wrist, taking note of the time listed in the corner.
"It's getting late, Jon." A somewhat attractive, female voice said into the man's ear. "You should probably head home."
"...I should probably head home." Jon decided, stepping away from his chair and using the table to help balance his path. "I should also stop talking to myself!" He yelled to spite the voice he'd just heard. Jon gave off a small chuckle before accidentally knocking his drink off the edge of the table, spilling its liquid contents over a nearby patron with half a dozen arms. A loud crash filled the air as the glass shattered on the ground, sending a small, oily creature onto the floor where it began to wiggle violently.
"Ha! There was an eel!" The hunter yelled triumphantly, before looking to the man covered in his drink. "Dude I'm sorry." He said before realizing the terrible mistake he'd made.
"What have you done?!" The six armed alcoholic screamed before suddenly turning into ash, his once breathing body being replaced with a statue of his figure which quickly crumbled to the ground.
Upyourtainiums were particularly weak to liquid substances... it was weird that the guy had been stupid enough to head into a bar populated with the stuff.
"Oh blarkin!" Jon cursed while wiping ash from his face, the loud, mindless music seemed to halt and all eyes in the room locked onto the man as he quickly kicked the black remains of the deceased patron under a chair in an attempt to cover up his mistake. "Sorry! I'm sorry!" He yelled to nobody in particular, the effects of the alcohol beginning to wear off. "Didn't mean to do it!"
A loud cry filled the air.
"That guy was my chirotractor!" A female ogre with purple spots screamed as tears filled her eyes, causing spikes to pop out of the spots in her skull.
"It was an accident! I mean... what the hell was that guy doing in a nightclub if he can't stand alcohol?! I mean... that's like if I walked into a hospital populated with STDs!"
"Nice one, Jonathan." The female voice said again. "You've really exceeded my expectations this time."
The crowd of strange shapes and figures began to part as a large, towering slab of insectoid meat stepped towards the source of the disturbance, chest covered in cockroach like armour, with large, bulging eyes squinting out of the thick stump that he called a head.
"Killer..."The creature chirped, tilting its head slightly like it was eyeing its next meal.
"Ha! Oh great!" Jon said, chuckling at his own bad luck. "You're a Crabiculan!"
The large insectoid looked at the pile of ash that had once been its friend, then looked back to the filthy human that had seemingly murdered his friend in cold blood.
With a deafening noise resembling a screech the alien began to stomp towards the pathetic fleshbag that smelled of alcoholic products. With one thing on its mind, the Crabiculan scooped up a nearby chair like it was an axe and prepared to crush the human beneath its weight.
With a loud thud, the chair clattered to the ground, followed by the cockroach man's body, a large, sizzling hole lay in the center of his chest, with a type of yellow oozee dripping from the man's insides. The crowd let out a loud, collective gasp before looking to the shooter in horror.
"What?" Jon asked, Type A Pluvarian blaster in his hands as he began to holster it back into the strap on his right leg. He looked at the stunned faces of the crowd and threw a little fit, stamping his foot on the ground and waving his arms around. "What?! The dude was coming right for me!"
"You didn't have ta kill him!" A pig like person pointed out. Trunick chuckled once more at the pig's stupidity and rolled his eyes.
"No I didn't." He explained. "I totally set the gun on stu-" That was when he remembered the piece of information his local dealer had told him when he'd bought the weapon. "Oh god. It's Pluvarian." Jon muttered, covering his mouth with his hand. "'Stun' means 'kill' in their language!"
A feeling of guilt rushed over his stomach, making him feel sick. With a look of embarassment the famed bounty hunter began to back towards the nightclub's exit, only to hear the all too familiar sound of the local law enforcement's sirens approaching the building.
"FREEZE!" A tentacled law officer yelled as he charged into the room, flanked by his partner. The two aimed their weapons at Jon, who quickly raised his arms into the air to make it clear he wasn't looking for trouble. "DON'T MOVE!"
"Calm down!" Jon yelled, not wanting to get shot. "I'm a bounty hunter! A law enforcer! Like you!" To be honest a police officer and a bounty hunter weren't really the same thing. "...kinda?"
"Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground right now or I'll-"
"Look, I've got a badge in my pocket I can show you if you'll just-" Jon started to say while reaching into his coat pocket.
"HE'S GOING FOR HIS GUN!" One of the officers yelled in a panic. The two switched their weapons to the correct setting and opened fire, both sending blue, electric bolts into the chest of the human creature that had apparently murdered two innocent peope.
Salvia dribbed down the human's mouth as he shook from the electrcity, his otherwise perfectly combed hair stuck up towards the sky and with a loud groan he slumped to the ground, with everything fading to black.
A dull throbbing had replaced the loud booming that had once inhavbited the back of Jon's skull, his eyes darted open and the young bounty hunter realized he was locked up inside a police interrogation room, something that had happened quite a lot to him in recent years. A pair of handcuffs kept him tied to the metal desk in the center of the room, with all the walls surrounding him seeming completely solid.
"Oh come on!" Jon yelled while sitting up in his seat. "I'm not supposed to be here!"
From behind a holographic wall, a pair of law officers were silently watching their captive, fascinated by the rare sight before them. It wasn't often a human being came this far into the galaxy, and whenever they did it always ended in trouble. One of the officers was the tentacled man who'd captured the bounty hunter in the nightclub, he seemed pretty bored, having dealt with situations like this on a regular basis... while the other officer seemed focused on the information he was finding on the human, intrigued by the history of the man before him.
"I'd say we're about done here, Ed." Detective Glibum said, reptillian eyes locked onto the flesh of his fellow officer. "You can probably head home."
"What did you get on this guy, Glib?" Edward the octopus asked while pulling on his multi limbed coat. The grizzled detective picked up his portable info pad and snorted from his bronze snout, staining the glass with steam.
"His name's 'Jon Trunick'. A human, obviously, from Earth. A planet who's name literally means 'dirt'." Glibum laughed at his little joke before continuing. "Turns out he is actually a law enforcer, he's a bounty hunter, employed by the Board and everything."
"Really? Like Rucka? And those... those Fatal Five guys lead by Amy Strongborn?"
"Exactly. Except... well they're a bit more talented then this guy."
The two looked back to the human who was busy pulling at his restraints, after a few moments of silence it was Ed who said what Glibum had been thinking.
"That guy's an idiot, Glib." The octopus said while stepping out the door. "But he's dangerous. You'd better keep an eye on him."
"I plan to." The miniature T-Rex sighed before moving to the microphone connected to the room's loudspeaker. "Jon Trunick!" He said. "You're free to go!"
After a day of dark encounters and disturbing memorabilia, Jon found himself returning to the one bright spark of hope in his life. Located in a dingy hanger buried beneath congested buildings, his galactic starship stood produly, shining like a star as he climbed up the vessel's landing ramp and returned to his own little sanctuary.
"I'm home!" He tossed his coat into the living area of his ship and began to move towards the cockpit, narrowly avoiding the pieces of rubbish and debris discarded on the ground.
"Oh good." The female voice from earlier, said in Jon's ear. "You're back. Now I finally have someone to help me tidy the place!"
She was being sarcastic... something Jon hadn't realized she could do until it was far too late and she'd already been imbedded in all of his security files and systems.
"Come on, ARK." Jon sighed. "I'm not in the mood for all this flargon right now." He jumped into the main seat of the cockpit and tore his boots off, casting them to the side and slowly reclining to maximise his comfort.
ARK would have frowned if she were capable of such an expression, instead she was forced to express her inner thoughts with verbal communication, something she was more then happy to do.
"You said you weren't going to get into trouble." The Artificial Intelligence said. "Then you go and kill two people before getting captured by the po-"
"Read emails!" Jon interrupted, not wanting to spend his few minutes of peace being scolded by his ship's computer. ARK fell silent for a minute as she accessed her owner's electronic account and began to read the information listed.
"Message from: 'Dag'Thon the accountant'. Subject title: 'Jon, you stupid-'"
"Delete. Next message."
"Message from: 'Sapphire'. Subject title: 'I got the abort-'"
"Reply later!" Jon said quickly, trying to keep his secrets hidden.
"Currently trending, you disgusting pig: 'Female celebrity posts erotic pregnancy photos online.'"
A sudden chirp in Jon's ear notified him to a new message, automatically ARK began to read the email's core details to determine whether Jon would want to read the mail or not.
"Message from: 'The Bounty Board.'"
Instantly Jon was intrigued, it had been awhile since he'd last heard from the Board, he'd started to winder if they still considered him an employee... and wondered if he was still earning his monthly salary.
Quickly ARK skimmed through the message, condensing it in her mind so she could simplify it for the idiot who was somehow in charge of her.
"There's an open contract on the heads of 'the Ribstone Raiders.' A group of bandits responsible for the kidnapping of 'Princess Glimmer' of the Tristone Nebula. Her father is offering a substantial reward to the bounty hunter who kills her kidnappers and returns her to him."
"How much?" Jon asked. A chirp in his ear told him how much this bounty would be worth. "Wow. That's quite a lot."
"Enough to buy your own planet." ARK said. "Or... buy another AI." She said, trying to suggest an idea.
"Alright. I'll do it!" Jon sat back in his seat as he began to do a quick check of his ship's systems. "Wait... 'open contract'?"
"Open Contracts are contracts where any bounty hunter can take part for the reward. They usually result in fighting between the parties involved."
"Never done of those before." Jon muttered to himself, he shrugged and gripped the controls for the ship. "Whatever, it can't be too tough."
"What's the plan?"
"I'll go talk to my usual contacts. See if they know anything about where these Raiders hang out."
That was it! For the first time in month, Jon had a mission. A mission that would pay him very well, he had all the equipment he could need and was ready to leave the dirtball of a planet that he'd spent the last month on. But something was missing... for whatever reason he didn't feel complete.
"ARK! I need some tasty ass jams to set the mood!" He yelled while turning on the engine and slowly guiding the ship out of the hanger.
"On it, sir!"
In Jon's ear, the song 'Money, money, money.*' by the group known simply as Abba began to play. He smirked himself as he pointed his ship up towards the sky and pressed the ignition.
"Let's go get rich." He said just as the ship burst into hyperspace.
*Link to 'Money, Money, Money' by Abba