Gray Shadow #1

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deadpoolrules

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#1  Edited By deadpoolrules

The Gray Shadow

It was a shadowy night,four men walked into a strange accommodation.One of them was leading,opening the doors,he wore a totally black armor.The other two were soldiers,both were dressed with a gray uniforms and swastika symbols on their chests,the last one was a prisioner,he had chains in his hands and was wearing a totally gray armor,except for its visor,that was red.The men entered the house,they went down some stairs.Below the house was a secret base,you could see some soldiers training and some scientist working.

“Öffnen Sie die Tür!“(Open the door!) –screamed the leader.

Some soldiers that were standing near a metal door quickly opened it.Inside it there was nothing but a corridor,it looked endless.The four figures walked into it,steps could be heard.They walked for ten entire minutes,then stopped in front of a door.

“Enter here,brazilian.“-one of the soldiers said,with a strange german accent.

The man in the gray armor obeyed.He entered the small room and sat on a chair,a dark figure was staring at him,it was sitting on a big chair,hiding on the darkness.

“So...you are the brazilian I heard that much from.“-the figure said,in an air of irony.His german accent was almost annoying.

“Yes,I suppose I am“-the man in the gray armor spoke,the helmet made his voice sound a little robotic.

“You don’t see to be that great,they told me odd things about you,now I can’t believe they are true.But I’m not here to judge,tell me about you.“

“Well,I’ll give you a summary of my life.I was a small boy when your boss corporation destroyed the USA in a massive attack.Then the resistances started forming,first in the Europe,after in the Americas and other countries.We were all prepared to you and your machines,at least we thought so.You promised to keep Europe safe,but came to us with the will to destroy every single person in our countries.First you invaded São Paulo,our most important city,that was where me and my family lived,you killed all of them,all...my family...my life,I was sixteen.I was at school,but when you destroyed it,the only thing I can remember is running,I ran really fast to escape debris and fire,I finally came out of the building,and what did I saw?Robots and soldiers killing innocent people.I couldn’t do nothing,so I tried to flee,nothing more than the natural instinct of a prey.I joined the rebellion some months after,I was trained by the best men,they made me an expert at hand to hand fights,armed fights and technological armors.I was almost nineteen when I built this armor.But then you discovered our base and killed everyone,destroying my life again.You captured me and took me to a place where I was tortured,they threw acid at me,cut my arms,made me suffer,but it wasn’t over.One day you were attacked by some sort of resistants that set me free,the first thing I did was looking at the mirror,I looked terrible,I don’t know how I could survive to such a thing.After fleeing I recovered my armor,which scientist were studying and fled again.But now its enough,I won’t run away anymore.I was trained as an assassin and this is what I try to do everyday,I kill you,all of you,terrorists."

“Enough!Take out the mask of this bastard,I want to see his face before he dies“-the figure screamed

Two men walked on the prisioner’s direction and prepared to take the mask.

“I forgot to mention,my name is Lucca Bali and I named myself Gray Shadow,because you never will find me,I’m always in the shadow.And the funniest thing is that...“

The men finished taking off his helmet,they found nothing but a phone.They looked at it with a surprised and terrified face.

“...I built more than one armor and many of them can walk alone.Its funny to know that this legend of the great assassin I'm,started with...“

“Son of a bit...“-one of the men whispered,but was interrupted by the assassin.

“...a BOOM!“

The whole place went down on a giant fire ball,the armor contained explosives on it.Not so distant of the base was a dark figure,with a gray armor and a red display on his helmet,he turned back and walked slowly while the explosion happened,and he knew that in the middle of the night that sound could be heard,and all the ones that prejudice others would know and fear the Gray Shadow.

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4donkeyjohnson

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#2  Edited By 4donkeyjohnson

This is good, bit squished with punctuation eg: {It was a shadowy night,four men walked into a strange accommodation.One of them was leading,opening the doors,he wore a totally black armor.} Need gaps between the comma and four etc. Also what is a transmissor? Did you mean transmission or transistor or is it actually a word?

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deadpoolrules

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#3  Edited By deadpoolrules

@4donkeyjohnson said:

This is good, bit squished with punctuation eg: {It was a shadowy night,four men walked into a strange accommodation.One of them was leading,opening the doors,he wore a totally black armor.} Need gaps between the comma and four etc. Also what is a transmissor? Did you mean transmission or transistor or is it actually a word?

Ok,ok.I'll try to search for a word.Wait...

*never comes back >:D*

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wildvine

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#4  Edited By wildvine

I'll read this tomorrow.

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deadpoolrules

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#5  Edited By deadpoolrules

@wildvine said:

I'll read this tomorrow.

ok

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GR2Blackout

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#6  Edited By GR2Blackout

Awesome!

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thespideyguy

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#7  Edited By thespideyguy

Great

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#8  Edited By poze

great! and i like it even more for the german inside it :) cant wait to read more

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tomdickharry1984

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#9  Edited By tomdickharry1984

Cooool!!!!

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#10  Edited By batkevin74

@deadpoolrules said:

The Gray Shadow

It was a shadowy night, four men walked into a strange accommodation. One of them was leading, opening the doors, he wore a totally black armor. The other two were soldiers, both were dressed with a gray uniforms and swastika symbols on their chests, the last one was a prisoner, he had chains in his hands and was wearing a totally gray armor, except for its visor, that was red. The men entered the house, they went down some stairs. Below the house was a secret base, you could see some soldiers training and some scientist working.

“Öffnen Sie die Tür!“(Open the door!) –screamed the leader.

Some soldiers that were standing near a metal door quickly opened it. Inside it there was nothing but a corridor, it looked endless. The four figures walked into it, steps could be heard. They walked for ten entire minutes, then stopped in front of a door.

“Enter here, Brazilian.“-one of the soldiers said with a strange German accent.

The man in the gray armor obeyed. He entered the small room and sat. A dark figure was staring at him, it was sitting on a big chair, hiding on the darkness.

“So...you are the Brazilian I heard that much from.“-the figure said, in an air of irony. His German accent was almost annoying.

“Yes, I suppose I am“-the man in the gray armor spoke, the helmet made his voice sound a little robotic.

“You don’t see to be that great, they told me odd things about you, now I can’t believe they are true. But I’m not here to judge, tell me about you.“

“Well, I’ll give you a summary of my life. I was a small boy when your boss corporation destroyed the USA in a massive attack. Then the resistances started forming, first in the Europe, after in the Americas and other countries. We were all prepared to you and your machines, at least we thought so. You promised to keep Europe safe, but came to us with the will to destroy every single person in our countries. First you invaded São Paulo, our most important city, that was where me and my family lived, you killed all of them, all...my family...my life, I was sixteen. I was at school, but when you destroyed it, the only thing I can remember is running, I ran really fast to escape debris and fire, I finally came out of the building, and what did I saw? Robots and soldiers killing innocent people! I couldn’t do nothing, so I tried to flee, nothing more than the natural instinct of a prey. I joined the rebellion some months after, I was trained by the best men, they made me an expert at hand to hand fights, armed fights and technological armors. I was almost nineteen when I built this armor. But then you discovered our base and killed everyone, destroying my life again. You captured me and took me to a place where I was tortured, they threw acid at me, cut my arms, made me suffer,but it wasn’t over. One day you were attacked by some sort of resistants that set me free, the first thing I did was looking at the mirror, I looked terrible, I don’t know how I could survive to such a thing. After fleeing I recovered my armor, which scientist were studying and fled again. But now its enough, I won’t run away anymore.I was trained as an assassin and this is what I try to do everyday, I kill you ,all of you terrorists!"

“Enough! Take out the mask of this bastard, I want to see his face before he dies“-the figure screamed

Two men walked on the prisoners direction and prepared to take the mask.

“I forgot to mention, my name is Lucca Bali and I named myself Gray Shadow, because you never will find me, I’m always in the shadow. And the funniest thing is that...“

The men finished taking off his helmet, they found nothing but a phone. They looked at it with a surprised and terrified face.

“...I built more than one armor and many of them can walk alone. Its funny to know that this legend of the great assassin I'm, started with...“

“Son of a bit...“-one of the men whispered, but was interrupted by the assassin.

“...a BOOM!“

The whole place went down on a giant fire ball, the armor contained explosives on it. Not so distant of the base was a dark figure, with a gray armor and a red display on his helmet, he turned back and walked slowly while the explosion happened, and he knew that in the middle of the night that sound could be heard, and all the ones that prejudice others would know and fear the Gray Shadow.

Above is an edit of your work, spacing the squished up bits where your sentences run into each other. It's good, but I have no idea why the guy starts rambling about his life. It tells you why but I don't know WHY he's suddenley just telling him all this information.

Good work, let's see part two so I can work out if I really like it

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#11  Edited By wildvine

I like it okay except the Life summary part. That just felt...off. Otherwise pretty good.