First Try at a Fan-Fic

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Jkutz

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This is my first try at writing a created character. If you could help me figure out what I did wrong and how I can improve this idea, that would be great thanks. Without further or do, here is Vortex #1(Rough Draft):

I am still ambivalent to the idea of being permanently insane, I mean it’s like being on LSD all the time, so many pretty colors and shapes, but none of the high. I can’t complain too much though, it sure makes my job a lot easier. Have you ever fought a professional chameleon demon? That thing changes colors like there’s no tomorrow(it’s a petty and gimmicky distraction tactic) but that was one instance where this came in handy. Sitting in this cell all day would also be pretty boring if I didn’t have Fantasia vision, but I digress.

Oh! where are my manners, my name is Kyle…..or is it Howard? Eh, it doesn’t matter, because I prefer to be called by my other moniker, Vortex. I know it’s not the coolest name but the only other thing I could come up with was The Human Sucker, and that just sounds wrong in too many ways. Now any rational thinking organism would ask,

“Vortex? Why do you want to be called that?”

Well I am glad you asked rational thinking organism; I would like to be called that because it matches up with my super power. I could demonstrate it for you but since I know that what I am seeing isn’t real and I am actually locked up in an asylum with a straightjacket on, it’s hard to do so, but what I can do is tell you what I can do.

“Quit stalling we all know what your power is, so just shut up about it!”

“I’m not talking to you, I was talking to my friend.”

Don’t worry about him, that’s just the other me. I know what you must be thinking,

“Wow this guy suffers from delusions and he has MPD? Should I reconsider being friends with him?”

Well first off you can’t reconsider that because I said so, and secondly, it’s fine.... I promise you that I probably won’t kill us both.

“Why do you have to do this everyday, nobody finds you interesting or cool, making up people that seem to think that about you won’t change that. Why couldn’t I control the body, why did it have to be you.”

“Maybe if you didn’t kill all those people then I wouldn’t have taken control, imbecile.”

“I didn’t kill anyone! They were transported somewhere and we just can’t find them.”

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that….wait”

“Sometimes you can be the most insufferable personality, I’m gonna go over to club Vortex and talk to some of the other guys, maybe they won’t be as bad today.”

Just let him go, he brings out the worst in me, and that isn’t always a good thing. Wait, did he say he was going to club Vortex? That’s my club! Oh sorry friend, forgot you were here. I guess I should explain, club Vortex is a metaphysical club where all my personalities hang out, except for that one, he likes to bug me a lot.

Hey look at that figure in the distance, it looks like a giant dingo, with… A PARTY HAT AND STREAMERS! I like this already, I hope it’s a real person coming to talk to me, this would be the best conversation ever. Play it cool friend, don’t want this dingo thinking we’re weird.

“Hello prisoner. It says here that you like to be called Vortex so I’ll continue to do so. I have a proposition for you, I am starting a superhero team, and would like someone with your talent, regardless of your instabilities.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh man if you could see yourself right now, oh man, I’ve never had a serious conversation with a dingo, except for that time in the other prison….Well I have to consult the council first, if you will allow it.”

“The council?”

“Yes, the Council of Me, gotta make sure it’s ok with me before I say anything.”

“I should have expected nothing less, do what you may, I have some time”

“Great, I’ll be right back”

Alright this day couldn’t get any better, I made a new friend and I am getting invited to join a super team.

-------------------------------

Alright we’re finally here, club Vortex. I’ll introduce you to the guys, they’re pretty cool. Here they are, the one behind the bar is Bartender me, his only purpose for existing is to be the bartender of this club. Over there is Showboat, he’s very full of himself and really likes to show off all of his talents. There is Rationale, the girl me, she is the most level headed of the group and keeps everyone focused as much as she can. You already met Negative Norman.

“My name is Cynic”

“Shut up Norman, no one likes you”

And last but not least is Brute, a man of few words but many punches, I think he has beaten all of us up at least twice.

“Hey guys, guess what, I got invited to join a superhero team. What do you think I should do?”

“Don’t you mean WE got invited, whatever, I don’t think it’s a good idea, we can barely comprehend our surroundings when we are just sitting in a room literally doing nothing.”

“So is that a yes Rationale?”

“Huh, it’s no use arguing with me, I’ll just go and do what I want to do anyway, I’ll be upstairs if you need me”

“Ok that’s one yes, what about you guys”

“Sure”

“Great, normally Bartender wouldn’t count but he agrees with me, so he matters this time”

“Thanks Vortex, that literally made me more depressed than I already am.”

“Norman? Come on, I know you want to.”

“It’s Cynic, whatever, Rationale is right, there is no point arguing with you. Do whatever you want.”

“YAY, Brute what do you think, not like it matters that’s three yesses.”

“Brute want kill bad people”

“Great, I’ll go tell the party dingo.”

“You don’t have to, I heard the whole thing, because I’m standing right next to you.”

“Oh, that’s a shame, I wanted to surprise you.”

“Don’t worry you already have, now follow me, I want to introduce you to the team”

Isn’t this great buddy, I’m finally going to be put to use, and on the same day I met you. You have to be my good luck charm, with you here I feel like I can do anything. Well I’ll wake you up when we get there, you must be exhausted, this was a lot to take in, and you have been staring at bright LSD euphoria for the past couple of hours. Don’t worry I won’t do anything without you.

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ImpurestCheese

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@jkutz: A good start although the second half was a bit hard to track since there were multiple speakers with no exposition. Also would like to know what each figment of Vortex's mind looks like just for curiosity

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Jkutz

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@impurestcheese: Yeah, I didn't know how to track it since Vortex in narrating and it wouldn't make much sense for there to be lines like "Rational said" or "Brute grunted". I'm not that good at art or design so I'll have to describe it. Brute is just a huge musclebound meathead. Bartender looks like an old-timey bartender from the 19th century. Rationale looks like a very plain girl, she is conservative in dress with long blonde hair. Cynic looks like a grumpy college student, always has a frown on his face, almost looks tired when he is not angry. Showboat is a very flamboyant character who thinks he is high above everyone else and he dresses to match his attitude.

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cbishop

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@jkutz said:

@impurestcheese: Yeah, I didn't know how to track it since Vortex in narrating and it wouldn't make much sense for there to be lines like "Rational said" or "Brute grunted". I'm not that good at art or design so I'll have to describe it. Brute is just a huge musclebound meathead. Bartender looks like an old-timey bartender from the 19th century. Rationale looks like a very plain girl, she is conservative in dress with long blonde hair. Cynic looks like a grumpy college student, always has a frown on his face, almost looks tired when he is not angry. Showboat is a very flamboyant character who thinks he is high above everyone else and he dresses to match his attitude.

Nice descriptions, but they really should have been in the story. I'm not a fan of crazy, MPD characters, because not too many people know how to do them well, but so far, this isn't bad. Curious to see where you go with this. Give me a callout for the next one. Added to my FF Long Box - Authors. :)

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Jkutz

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@cbishop: Thanks a lot for the feedback! I didn't really know how to describe the characters until I was asked about it, I'll be sure to add it in part 2.