DCMU Outlaws #0

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first story in the DCMU, a fan fiction group centered around the concept of the Marvel and DC Universes merging, and all the team-ups and fights that could ensue because of it. A couple other people and I are writing stories for this universe, and I have just finished the prologue for my story: The Outlaws. Please note that this is my first true story I have written, so any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated to help me as I am writing the next parts in this storyline. So, without any more explaining, here is the prologue to the Outlaws.

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“11:53 PM. Almost Midnight.” A man said, in a deep southern accent. Watching to the streets, he was accompanied by another man, and a woman, both of which were armed with guns. “The new boss will be meeting us here any minute now. Everything ready?”

“Yeah. Got the crates right here.” The woman responded. “What are in these things, Montana?”

“I ain’t exactly sure.” The man with the accent replied. “I just got the info from the new boss to pick this junk up from the docks and meet him her with it.”

“And you are sure the guy is trust worthy?” The woman said.

“Well Janice, I ain’t sure if he’s any less ruthless than Fisk or not,” Montana stated. “but I was told he paid better, so that’s a start.”

“As long as he won’t kill us over a simple mistake, I am good.” The other man said.

“Still doesn’t answer if he is trustworthy or not.” Janice stated, under her breath.

Jackson Brice, or Montana, was a southern man who became a criminal in New York City, and assumed the mantle of the Shocker, working as a henchman for Wilson Fisk, aka the Kingpin. Janice Lincoln was also a criminal in New York, but only worked for Fisk for a short amount of time, before angering him, and having to flee for her life. Montana stepped in and helped her escape him, and the two teamed up with Mac Gargan, formally nicknamed the Scorpion, and fled to Gotham City.

After a few more minutes of waiting, a black limo pulled up to where they were standing, and several people got out of the car. One man in a suit walked up to the criminals, with two guards following close behind.

“I assume you have the bosses stuff.” The man said.

“Yeah. Mind tellin’ us what we had to bust our butts for to get? I suspect we are now on the GCPD’s radar.” Montana said.

“Honestly, the boss wouldn’t even tell me, and I am the closest thing he has to a real friend.” The man replied. “Whatever it is, it sounds like it is exactly what we need to gain full control over the Gotham City criminal underworld.”

“Listen, Montana and I, we need protection from our old boss, and we are willing to help you guys in exchange for it.” Janice said.

“I have heard you two had some good tech at your disposal back in the day.” The man said.

“If you help us, the three of us could have our gear back by the end of the week.” Montana said.

“And what were your names again?” The man asked.

“I’m the Shocker.” Montana replied.

“The Beetle.” Janice said.

“The Scorpion.” Mac Gargan said.

The man grinned, giving a slight chuckle as well. “Good to hear you three are back in the business. Now, let us get you back your gear.”

Up on a nearby roof, a man in a brown leather jacket was watching the exchange. He looked as they were loading the crates into the car. After another minute, they got in their cars, and drove away. The man in the jacket looked up. He had short, black hair. He reached down by his side and grabbed a red helmet, and put it on his head. “Well Jason,” he said. “Looks like the Red Hood is back in business.”

@thefortress: My eyes are burning from needing sleep, so I'm signing off, but I'll read this in the next couple of days. Good to see you guys are getting beyond the idea stage. :)

@cbishop: Haha. Ok. Thanks. Can't wait to get some critique.

And so it begins!

Congratulations on getting your first-ever story up and running! That is very cool, and I have to say you're handling it quite well.

What I'm liking the most so far is that you're generating a sense of mystery and grit: shady characters, blemished histories and potentially grim ramifications for the criminals.

The setting you're working with is solid! A dark underworld where secrets are kept, loyalty is questioned and the bad guys are being watched. I really dig that aspect of your prologue, and I think you have a solid handle on it in terms of tone.

I'd say overall you could do with a couple additional read-throughs just to proofread. This will help clean up your sentence structure and word choice a bit more. Sometimes you have additional words that (in my opinion) don't need to be there, and sometimes there are small typos. Nothing catastrophic.

The only other suggestion I'd make right now is keep an eye out for how much character info you provide and how much you withhold. For instance, the man who meets with the trio has very few distinguishing features. Clearly you're holding back information about him on purpose, but just keep an eye out for when and why you choose to tell us about certain characters, their histories, etc., and when you choose not to.

One other thing I thought you did well was inject the prologue with moving pieces: characters who have a past, goals for them to pursue in the future, and more than one potential obstacle or risk to thwart them.

This was a solid length I felt, because it added to the overall sense of shadowy back alley mystery. I'd be happy to encounter longer segments in the future. Well done, and please keep it going!

And oh yeah, @thefortress, I'm around if you ever feel like having somebody give your next installments a proofread. Good job once again.

@rushnoir: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! Dialogue is certainly the aspect of writing I have the hardest time with, so being able to send it to you for proof reading would be very helpful. I am about to get started on the official part 1, so I a, glad your critiques will help me move forward. Thank you again, and I am very excited about this project moving forward.

@thefortress: Edit: Sorry, forgot I was in my FicOPedia alt. This is @cbishop. :)

It's a good start. Same thing rushnoir said: minor typos and unneeded words, but nothing catastrophic. This is written pretty well.

My only real critique is the dialogue, which you said you have a hard time with. English teachers drill it into us not to use contractions, but for characterization, that just doesn't work for most characters. A very prim and proper, precise, or uptight individual might talk without contractions, but most people are going to use things like "I'm, you're, he's, it's, we'll, etc." as part of their everyday language. I would think especially badguys, since they tend to be a bit streetwise, but otherwise unpolished.

You've got your Southerner talking in contractions, but that seems to be more because you've pictured him as "dumb hick" in speech, rather than because you wanted his speech to be natural. Beetle and Scorpion are stiff though. I'm unfamiliar with Beetle- maybe she's that way. As far as I remember, Scorpion wasn't. He was quick tempered and shot off at the mouth- very relaxed with everyday contractions.

Give me a callout for the next chapter. :)

@ficopedia: Thanks for the advice! I am really struggling with getting ideas for the first official part of the story because I am trying to learn a bit more about the characters I chose (both characters presented in this prologue, and characters that are not). I will admit, I did decide to use characters I am not overly familiar with (with the exception of Red Hood, Shocker, and one other character yet to be introduced), so that has given me some writers block. I am working on another series of stories completely separate from this that will hopefully help me get past my writers block. Hopefully learning more about these characters will help me write better dialogue in the future. Thank you again for the critiques. Every little bit helps.

Lemme know if you want some help brainstorming your plot/storyline! In fact just PM me if needed.

This seems nice.

@rushnoir: Awesome. Thanks for the help. I may be taking you up on that offer soon!

@thefortress: You don't necessarily have to know the characters. This is fan-fic after all. I would just say work on the dialogue. While you're figuring it out, a guide might be if it sounds wrong when you say it aloud, then it's going to read wrong on the page. That's not always true, but it's a good place to start.

@ficopedia: Thank you. Good advice. I will definitely be using that while writing future stories. Thanks for the help.

@thefortress: No problem. ;)

@thefortress: I really like it the sense of mystery and the overall idea,I really want to know more about those characters. It's great I'm really looking forward for the official first part

@poze: Awesome. Thank you!

@thefortress: You do any more of this?

@batkevin74: Hey. I do plan on finishing this at some point, however, a couple things have caused me to not be able to continue it like I was hoping.

1. When I wrote this first part, I failed to realize that just one month later, my summer break would end, and I would have to go back to school (I am currently in my early college years). With my college work, I do not have much free time to devote to writing.

2. I impulsively wrote this part, as well as the next part I released, without having any plan for the overall storyline. Because of this, I didn't really know where the story or the characters would end up, and that made it a bit harder to write.

Like I said, I do plan on finishing this soon, however I currently do not have the time, nor the overarching plan to be able to complete it at this point in time. Thank you for asking, though. I am certainly glad to see that there are people out there interesting in where this story is going.

@thefortress: Knowing where your story is going can be hard, but sometimes (and I admit this is hard) you have to just sit down and write, and see where the characters take you. My favorite comic guy- Erik Larsen- has said multiple times that he often writes Savage Dragon "flying by the seat of my pants." He's 230-some issues in now, so I think it must work pretty well. :)