DC Re-Created: Manhunter #1

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Turbinail

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#1  Edited By Turbinail

Katherine Spencer, high school student, comic book nerd. There was many other names passed around at school. Though Katherine didn't look the part, with braces, glasses and choppy brunette hair, she always wished of being a superhero, which was her alter-ego. Her life in Gotham wasn't always easy with abusive parents, drug addicted brothers and two pit bull guard dogs. The gloomy weather always brought out the best in Katherine.

No Caption Provided

One Friday night, when both of her brothers were in rehab and her parents were in jail, Katherine quietly pulled down her mother's sewing machine. Being far off in Gotham, Katherine didn't have neighbors, but sometimes a large white van would slowly pass by Katherine's house. Katherine started sewing, for a few hours. Once she was finished, a skintight red and black suit was finished.

Once Katherine saw the van slowly drive past her house once again, she ran outside and yelled for the man to stop. The man stopped and got out of his car. Once the man got out of the car, Katherine noticed a glowing ooze in the back of the car. When the man slowly walked around, Katherine pulled a piece of metal from the car.

When she attacked the man, he clicked a button, which sent the car into the air then exploding. The ooze surrounded Katherine's burnt body, which healed the burns and created a light blue aura around Katherine's body. That night was the night Katherine had been waiting for her whole life.

18 Years Later

Katherine sat alone in her office, the icy weather frosting the windows. Katherine yawned, then leaned back in her chair. Her phone rang, making the chair fall over. Katherine quickly got up from the fall and answered the phone.

"Hello? This is Katherine Spencer, nurse at Gotham Medical Services."

"Yes, this is Caitlin Snow, I'm calling about a frostbite.'

"Okay, that's new. Wait, Caitlin Snow?"

"Ring a bell?"

"You were one of the bullies in my middle school."

"And guess what. Gotham's going into a deep freeze tonight."

"Wait, Caitlin Snow, Killer Frost!"

After the call ended, Katherine immediately looked outside the window. Snow started falling heavily. Katherine opened her suitcase, which revealed her red and black costume. She changed, not caring who was watching at the moment. She pulled her escrima pole from under her desk. She ran outside the front door, noticing her red Lamborghini.

As she got in the car, the windows frosted over and the doors locked. Chuckles of insanity hovered around the car. The windshield shattered, and noticed Louise Lincoln's face.

"You said you were Caitlin Snow!"

"I knew you would fall for that."

Louise chuckled, then tried tackling Katherine. Katherine spun out of Louise's way. Louise rammed her head into the headrest. Katherine jumped out threw the windshield. Louise grunted, then turned her frosty face back at Katherine. She hissed at her then rolled on the hood of the car. She slammed her boots on the hood then jumped at Katherine.

Katherine twirled away, then slipped into the snow. as Louise prepared ice shards to shoot at Katherine, she slammed her large escrima pole against her head. Louise hit the ground, the ice shards hitting the ground and shattering. Louise held the left side of her head as Katherine slammed another escrima pole blow to Louise's face. Blood started dripping from the icy woman's cheek.

Katherine slammed another blow against Louise's face. She charged the pole with energy then shot off twice. As Louise coughed up more blood, Kate smashed the escrima pole once again at Louise. Louise took a final breath, coughed up blood, then faded.

"No more Mrs.Ice Girl."

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TheManInTheShoe

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@turbinail: Good start. I would advice you though to write longer chapters. I noticed you published the second one pretty quickly afterwards, why not combine the two? You could also try to begin each sentence in different ways, not just "Katherine..." or "Once...". Otherwise, good job.

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4donkeyjohnson

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@turbinail: Interesting idea but poorly executed.

You gloss over Manhunter's terrible home life, there's so much to explore there and then the sudden jump cut 18 years later after the ooze?

What are you trying to achieve would be my question?

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TommytheHitman

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It was pretty short. Nice starting point though.

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dngn4774

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@turbinail: A lot of details are missing in this, which would leave your audience slightly confused, and the dialogue seems to be forced in certain spots. Great writing is difficult because it requires a higher concentration of thought. Try to take time to think about what you are trying to say. Reread you work several times and see if there is anything you would like to add to the plot or change with the dialogue. Once those steps of followed you will have a more elaborate and coherent chapter.

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batkevin74

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@turbinail: Okay let's have a look at what you've got.

Overall it's okay but it does need some work.

Paragraph 1: "Katherine Spencer, high school student, comic book nerd. There was many other names passed around at school. Though Katherine didn't look the part, with braces, glasses and choppy brunette hair, she always wished of being a superhero, which was her alter-ego. Her life in Gotham wasn't always easy with abusive parents, drug addicted brothers and two pit bull guard dogs. The gloomy weather always brought out the best in Katherine."

We first meet Katherine and while there are some details it's kinda vague. Is she 6 or 16? Also this bit "she always wished of being a superhero, which was her alter-ego." Kinda doesn't make sense. I'm guessing she wants to be a superhero but there is a better way to convey that. Why are there pitbull guard dogs? Are her parents druglords? Satanists? Why do they abuse her?

Paragraph 2: "One Friday night, when both of her brothers were in rehab and her parents were in jail, Katherine quietly pulled down her mother's sewing machine. Being far off in Gotham, Katherine didn't have neighbors, but sometimes a large white van would slowly pass by Katherine's house. Katherine started sewing, for a few hours. Once she was finished, a skintight red and black suit was finished."

It's her origin but why is she making a costume? This needs expansion. Because if she is 6 the costume won't fit her 18 years later? Same if she's 16!

Paragraph 3: "Hello? This is Katherine Spencer, nurse at Gotham Medical Services."

"Yes, this is Caitlin Snow, I'm calling about a frostbite.'

"Okay, that's new. Wait, Caitlin Snow?"

"Ring a bell?"

"You were one of the bullies in my middle school."

"And guess what. Gotham's going into a deep freeze tonight."

"Wait, Caitlin Snow, Killer Frost!"

Who is talking? How are the sounding? Is this on the phone or in person? Details!

The windshield shattered, and noticed Louise Lincoln's face. ?????? The windshield noticed her face?

Hope this helps