DC Origin Story Presents: Raven part 1

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#1  Edited By Batvibe12

Gotham City

10:26 p.m.

A woman with tan skin and black, long hair is hiding in an alley. The woman is trying to end her misery because there is something in her that isn't human. The woman, Angela Roth, starts to cry as she sees her stomach glowing a purplish color.

"I shouldn't have run away." She said as tears drip from her face.

"Maybe this can all end with a pill?"

As Angela opens the drug container and picks up the circular pill, a bright, yellow portal opens. A man with a white hooded outfit on and a glowing, white, aura appears in front of Angela.

"Are you...an angel?" Angela asked in desperation to get out of this plane of existence.

"No, young woman. I'm just a messenger." The man said, lending out his hand.

Azarath, a peaceful dimension with melody and harmony.

10 years later

A ten-year-old Rachel Roth, the daughter of Angela, is in a luxurious room full of gold and silver, reading a book about the different types of emotions. This is practice for her due to her having the ability to manipulate emotions or empathy. But, the problem is, she can feel emotions.

The Queen of Azarath and Rachel's teacher, Azar, walks in to see Rachel.

"Greetings Rachel, what are you reading?"

"A book about emotions," Rachel answered.

"Interesting. Especially for a girl who's able to manipulate it," Azar said with a smile on her face.

Rachel looks at her teacher and asked, "Ms. Azar, why can't I feel emotions?"

"Why do you asked that?"

"Because, Ms. Azar, I always see people expressing their feelings and I can sense it all around me. But when I try to feel emotions, it doesn't work. Why is that?"

Ms. Azar then explains, "You were born a different way. We, as in the Azarathian Court, had to block you from expressing feelings because it will cause danger to all of us and the universe. You understand now?"

"Yes, Ms. Azar."

The Queen of Azarath then leaves the room. Rachel looks down at herself as she knows she can never feel emotions.

Rachel puts the book back on the shelf and looks at the other books. As she looks and looks, she sees a book that caught her eye. The book is red and it has golden edges. On the front page, it has a symbol. This symbol was the same one that was used in the ritual of Trigon. She opens the first pages of the book and starts reading.

An hour later

Outside of the city of Azarath, Rachel is running around the pacify place with the book to find her mother.

As she runs, Rachel sees her mother talking with Azar. She goes towards them because she wants answers. Once she got to her 0.1-mile destination, she looks at the both of them with the eyes.

"Mother," Rachel said very deeply, "...why is there a picture of me in this book?"

"What book?" Angela asked.

"This!" Rachel then shows both Angela and Azar the book with the symbol on it.

The eyes on both Angela and Azar start to grow wider as they see that book on Rachel's hand.

"Where did you get that book from?" Angela asked.

"I got it from the bookshelf," Rachel answered.

"There shouldn't be any book like that," Azar said.

Out of nowhere, the sky began to turn black.

"Mother, Azar, what's happening?" Rachel asked.

Azar then explained, "Rachel, when you touched that book, it send a signal to your father, Trigon."

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#2  Edited By cbishop

@batvibe12: There's a few wording problems here, but I'm curious to see where you go with this. Tag me for the next chapter. :)

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#3  Edited By Batvibe12

@cbishop said:

@batvibe12: There's a few wording problems here, but I'm curious to see where you go with this. Tag me for the next chapter. :)

Okay.

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Some proofreading goes a long way. I did an edit for you with notes and a my main thoughts below.

Gotham City [use headers or bold. The contrast helps the important info (dates, titles, times, etc;) stand out from regular narration.

10:26 p.m. [See above ^.]

A woman with tan skin and black, long hair is hiding in an alley. This is where the womanShe [always try to be specific with as few words as possible.] is trying to drug herself because she is carrying something. This something is within her and it is not a regular human at all. It's a demon.[Revisit this. You're being too vague.] The woman, Angela Roth, starts to cry as she sees her stomach glowing a purplish color.

"I shouldn't have run away." She saidsays [Your either in past or present tense. Past is actually easier to stick with IMO.] as tears drip from her face.

"Maybe this can all end with a pill.?"

As Angela opens the drug container and picks up the white, circular, pill, a bright, yellow portal opens. A man with a white hooded outfit on and a glowing, white, aura appears in front of Angela. [Less commas. Colors don't need to be treated like separate adjectives.]

"Are you...an angel?" Angela asked in desperation. She wanted [or wants, depending on tense.] to get out of this plane of existence.

"No, young woman. I'm just a messenger." The man said, lending out his hand.

Azarath, a peaceful dimension with melody and harmony. [Needs to drop another line to indicat a new scene. Then, header or bold].

10 years later [Header or bold.]

A ten-year-old Rachel Roth, the daughter of Angela, is in a luxurious room full of gold and silver, reading a book about the different types of emotions. This is practice for her due to her having the ability to manipulate emotions or empathy. But, the problem is, she can feel emotions.

The Queen of Azarath and Rachel's teacher, Azar, walks in to see Rachel.

"Greetings Rachel, what are you reading?"

"A book about emotions," Rachel answered.

"Interesting. Especially for a girl who's able to manipulate it," Azar said with a smile on her face.

Rachel looks at her teacher and asked, "Ms. Azar, why can't I feel emotions?"

"Why do you asked that?"

"Because, Ms. Azar, I always see people expressing their feelings and I can sense it all around me. But when I try to feel emotions, it doesn't work. Why is that?"

Ms. Azar then explains, "You were born a different way. We, as in the Azarathian Court, had to block you from expressing feelings because it will cause danger to all of us and the universe. You understand now?"

"Yes, Ms. Azar."

The Queen of Azarath then leaves the room. Rachel looks down at herself as she knows she can never feel emotions.

Rachel puts the book back on the shelf and looks at the other books. As she looks and looks, she sees a book that caught her eye. The book is red and it has golden edges. On the front page, it has a symbol. This symbol was the same one that was used in the ritual of Trigon. She opens the first pages of the book and starts reading.

An hour later [Header or bold.]

Outside of the city of Azarath, Rachel is running around the pacify place to find her mother. Note this, Rachel is carrying the book, but why? Well, you find out.[Try to avoid outright telling the readers where there attention should be. Show, don't tell.]

As she runs, Rachel sees her mother talking with Azar. She goes towards them because she wants answers. Once she got to her 0.1-mile destination, she looks at the both of them with the eyes.

"Mother," Rachel said very deeply, "...why is there a picture of me in this book?"

"What book?" Angela asked.

"This!book." Rachel then shows both Angela and Azar the book with the symbol on it.

The eyes on both Angela and Azar start to grow wider as they see that book on Rachel's hand.

"Where did you get that book from?" Angela asked.

"I got it from the bookshelf," Rachel answered.

"There shouldn't be any book like that," Azar said.

Out of nowhere, the sky began to turn black.

"Mother, Azar, what's happening?" Rachel asked.

Azar then explained, "Rachel, when you touched that book, it send a signal to your father, Trigon."

Overall, this is nice start. The pacing winds down at the end where the repetative dialogue starts forming. A trick to dealing with this is to find a different voice for each character; it's not really about what they say, more like how they say it. Lastly, you have a tendency to overnarrate things. Don't tell your audience what a character is thinking. Show them why your characters think a particular way through action. Hopefully this was helpful.

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@dngn4774 said:

Some proofreading goes a long way. I did an edit for you with notes and a my main thoughts below.

Thank you. I'll edit right now. :)